things are not improving with my breakup

Things Are Not Progressing With My Breakup

Craig Kenneth:                  00:24                   Hi there. I'm coach Craig Kenneth, and in this video I'm going to be talking to you about things are not progressing well. Breakups can be extremely frustrating when things don't go the way that you expect or the way that you're hoping. It can be. Incredibly disheartening. It can be incredibly frustrating. I know I've been there and a lot of times there are a lot of setbacks. There are a lot of changes. Uh, unexpected events. It can be really scary. Okay. Especially when your ultimate fear is losing the person for good. And sometimes you can hear information that absolutely devastates you. Maybe find out that your ex is dating somebody new or they told the friend something about you, like, oh, well, I'm never going to date them again. There can be a lot of different things. It's tough, right? And very, very rarely goes in a straight line of you broke up and then all of a sudden you get back together again.

Craig Kenneth:                  01:37 There's going to be a lot of different things that happen along the way and it can be really easy for you to obsess over everything. I know I used to do that myself and it can be really frustrating so it can be tough to kind of heal and move on when you're obsessing over all of the little details, all the little events, all the information that's coming back to you from family and friends, whether you asked for it or not. Sometimes you'll have friends say, hey, I saw your ex out the other night holding hands with some guy and then you know what? I didn't even know she was dating with somebody. Somebody in there. It's frustrating. Right? And sometimes you might be in contact with your ex and it's not going the way you want it to go. I see that a lot where you're got really high expectations.

Craig Kenneth:                  02:29                   I'm supposed to see her on Saturday. Doesn't happen or I'm supposed to come by and get my stuff next Thursday doesn't happen where you thought things were heating up a little bit so it can be really difficult to have expectations and then not go the way you want. I know I've been there and sometimes things start to improve and stuck and it's just not going the way you want and you know, obviously you know when it gets tricky like that, if you want to do a coaching with me, I can try and figure out if there's something you're not seeing or you know, something is going on deeper than your understanding because when you're going through it, everything feels like the end of the world. Even them taking down a Facebook picture, even if you weren't even in the picture. I mean I remember seeing an exchange, their Facebook profile picture and my heart was racing and my heart stopped and it wasn't even.

Craig Kenneth:                  03:40                   I wasn't even in the picture with her. It's just seeing that picture change. It somehow felt like, oh my gosh, they're moving on without me. I don't know what's going on in this person's life anymore. It's really scary and um, so I got a good email today that I think is going to explore a few different things here and this guy is frustrated because things aren't going the way he's wanting to. It's a guy in his early fifties and he was dating a woman a few years younger for about a year and a half. Before I go on, I always forget to tell you guys to subscribe to the channel. Just click on there real quick and subscribe. You know, the content is great, but I always forget to remind you guys because as soon as you do that, Youtube will let you know when I release a new video. And the other thing you could do is go on my website AskCraig.net and join my mailing list.

Craig Kenneth:                  04:39                   I haven't been putting out stuff too much recently, but you want to get on there because when I do you know it's going to be some good stuff. So thanks for doing that. I do forget all the time, but I remember to do it this time. Okay. So let me go on. Like I said, guy in his early fifties dating a woman a few years younger for about a year. Okay. And he was telling me a little bit about her life. He said that her father had issues with alcohol and the mother believes in doing everything for the grandchildren and instills this in her. Okay. So he said that she said, I talked about my exes too much and didn't feel I was committed to her. She also felt I did not accept her and her two kids. So both of those could be major issues there, especially if she feels like you're not accepting her kids.

Craig Kenneth:                  05:41                   Uh, you know how you're going to be in a relationship with somebody if they don't treat your children well. Okay. He said I chased her at first, but then I backed off. She then chased me a bit and then I chased her again. So he said this was through texting and speaking, but not phoning or visits. I don't know what he means by that. He says text speaking, but not phoning or visits. All right, let me just go on. I think he just means to say maybe there were texting, but not actually talking on the phone. A little confusing there. Okay. The two biggest problems that she had in their relationship with his lack of emotional commitment. She wanted me to propose after eight dates. Yes. I said that right. You heard that right? She wanted me to propose after eight dates. What does that tell you about this woman?

Craig Kenneth:                  06:48                   Think about it. What does that tell you about her? She wants him to propose after eight dates tells me she's really insecure and she's trying to force things. It's almost like an ultimatum. In fact, I guess it wouldn't be an ultimatum. Right? Like if we're not engaged after eight dates. That's it. I'm done now. I think he's meeting after eight more dates because like I said, they were dating together about a year and so I'm guessing she meant like, you have eight more dates to get it together or I'm leaving now. I got to tell you, if somebody tells me that, I'm going to say, listen, uh, I think you're great and I want to continue seeing you, but I can't just marry you because you're putting an ultimatum on me. I'm not going to feel comfortable with that. I mean, I'm not gonna put myself in a lifetime commitment.

Craig Kenneth:                  07:43                   Ideally a lifetime commitment based on you trying to force that. No Way. Not Me. Maybe some of you guys would do that, but I wouldn't recommend it not going to go well. I could tell you that because if she bullies you into that kind of forces you into that, you're not going to really feel happy. Right? That's not really a loving relationship. That feeling like you're obligated. Okay, so he says, we've been texting for a couple of weeks now. She said she needed to talk about things, but then text me not long after, but it does not progress beyond this. I have broached meeting up with her, but then she says she needs time. If I don't contact then she'll text. But if I text too much then she withdraws. I am now trying to keep texts lighthearted, but then she picks me up on issues recently because I talked to her in past tense. This seemed to upset her, of course, because it seems like she really wants to be with you, but her anxiety is causing her to try and lock you down, which is ultimately just going to push you away, right? Because nobody's going to want to move forward in a relationship under these circumstances. I sent a text yesterday morning with my pictures. All I said was good morning. She responded with that pick wasn't taken this morning. It was taken last night.

Craig Kenneth:                  09:29                   What? Who Cares? What is the difference? You could see like her anxiety level is so high, like what does that have to do with anything? If you took a picture last night, what is it implying that he's with another woman? Is that what she's afraid of? Seems like a to me complete jump in logic there, right irrationally. She then responded with, I don't know why you're not upfront. What? What? Where did she get this? This is just anger and unresolved issues and she's like implying that you're lying here. It's just bizarre. Right? All he did, all he did was send a picture of him and said, good morning.

Craig Kenneth:                  10:30                   All of a sudden she's angry about it. That picture wasn't taken this morning. It was taken last night. I don't know why you're not upfront. How was he not being upfront, but you see when people are like this, they're anxiety is off the charts and it's. It seems to me like she's implying he did something wrong by sending this picture or that he's being dishonest by sending this picture. Right. I'm not heading down this road with this woman. I'm running the other way. I'd be like, listen, you can keep your eight dates. I'm out of here. Yesterday. She said to me, you're confident and you send a lot of pictures of yourself. So he said, okay, I'll cut back. Then this morning she texts, why haven't you sent me a picture this morning?

Craig Kenneth:                  11:22                   I'll tell you what I think is going on here. I think she wants pictures in the morning because she wants to know that he's at home in his bed and there's no woman there or that he's not at a woman's house. That's what I think. That's how distorted her perception is. Right. That's what I really think is going on here, but that's just ridiculous. I mean, if she really wants to know where it is and I'm not encouraging this, why not just pick up the phone and Facetime them if you don't trust where he's at or what he's doing. He said it's something we used to do when we were together. Yeah, well I wouldn't go down that road with somebody. I mean, that's just ridiculous. Full of distrust is off the charts. Last night I sent a text about some of the happy times we had together and then half an hour later she sent a kiss. Today she has sent a few texts and even a picture of her in bed wearing silly glasses. I said in my text, nice to see you in bed. She responded with, is it? But then moments later, texts, good night. Then she's angry. Good. What is she angry about? A B, and not understanding this logic here at all, but it doesn't seem like logic, right? Margaret would say, you're looking for logic. There is none. This isn't logical. This is about her feeling easily disconnected and hurt, but he didn't. I mean, I don't understand how she got upset about that. She sends a picture of her in bed wearing selling glasses. He says, nice to see you in bed, and she responds. Is it good night? Then?

Craig Kenneth:                  13:16                   Could you imagine how frustrating it would be to be in a relationship with someone that's acting like this? Some of you are scratching your head thinking, well, you know, the thing about that is I used to do this or maybe your exits to do that, right? He says, if I go no contact now, it will seem weird as we are at least texting and that could just feed into the feelings she's having about me, that I did not care. Sometimes her texts will have a kiss, sometimes small, sometimes big, whereas other times they're techs are short with no kisses. I do miss her and find not seeing her painful. I also find this limbo state difficult, although I can be patient, I read so much about being friends zone though and the advice being to cut contact, but somehow my stage teams a step on, so I'd rather build bridges if I can. I've told her how I feel and explain why I behave this way and have now been very open with her and apologized. It can also change from a lot of texts to very few. I rang, but you won't answer my direct calls. I also said I would consider marriage as she is the one for me.

Craig Kenneth:                  14:39                   You can have her, man. I don't want anyone that's going to treat me like this and you're going to see after, um, the good thing. The interesting thing about this email is that you're going to a response from him that he sent to me after I sent him his coaching. Okay. He says, basically I feel there might be something I should do more than perhaps I'm not doing in order to escalate things to a more favorable outcome so he could see. He was like, is there something else I could be doing or should be doing to get this to work in my favor here? What worries me is that I did read the ex's context. You as a way of weaning you off. I hate if that was the case. Generally she's a loyal person and I don't suspect anyone else's involved as you can gather.

Craig Kenneth:                  15:32                   I would like to get her back, but I'm unsure as to whether the current situation is positive and I just need to be more patient. Basically. What should my next move be? Alright, well I told him that I didn't think that this woman is very emotionally stable. She's got tremendous amounts of anxiety and you're gonna wind up having a lot of fights with her because she isn't able to control herself. She just lashes out. She's cruel, she's manipulative. She, uh, is vengeful and all kinds of things verbally aggressive because she's scared, right? And she doesn't know how to calm herself down. And while you can do your part to try and manage that a little bit, it's going to be constantly putting up with it to some degree. So it's gonna be tough because yes, you can learn some skills to help decrease the level of arguments or be a better partner for her.

Craig Kenneth:                  16:38                   But she still gonna act, you know, all over the place based on how she's feeling. Right. And the ultimatum of marrying her after eight dates, a eight more dates. I would never go for that because I don't think a relationship is going to go well if you're progressing because of some kind of demand or whatever she's got going on here. So, you know, I think he's got to be patient here. I think he really needs to assess whether she can be a good partner for him and I think he's starting to do that. Um, but letter come to you and when she does be friendly, I'm not going to be playing games with somebody who's not answering my calls, who's hot cotton, cold. I mean if you want space you can have space, but I'm not going to be chasing you and being kind to you or sending you pictures and then you accusing me of doing something wrong.

Craig Kenneth:                  17:44                   I mean it's just, it's just ridiculous. He wasn't doing anything, so this is what he said in response to my email coaching and obviously there were some more things that I said in the email coaching, um, and I kind of explained things as I went into the email and read it to you guys, but he said Hi Craig. I just want to thank you once again for your insight and summary into my situation. I think you are bang on and some of the traits you mentioned. I've actually noticed already when I reflect back I had been ready to blame myself for everything. I'm reevaluating my situation and we'll tread with caution yesterday. She hardly text but I did not jump as I usually would have done. I suggested meeting up previously and she hasn't made a reference to it so I'm not approaching it again.

Craig Kenneth:                  18:42                   And will heed your advice. One final thing, uh, if my story can help others and I actually don't mind you sharing it as long as you keep myself anonymous, which of course I can do for all of you guys. And that's why I'm vague about ages and time. You've been together. I try and keep it vague, but close enough, right, so nobody can actually pinpoint who you are or anything like that, so if you're in a situation where somebody is putting these kinds of demands on you, you better reevaluate it and explore it because it might not be the best situation for you, but if you want to get my health personally, just go to my website Askcraig.net.

Sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching. I do Skype coaching. If you got to get with me right away, I do offer emergency Skype coaching. You can also get Margaret's help and sign up for a Skype coaching with her, but that's it for this video. I'm coach Craig. Kenneth and I will talk with you soon.