Today we're going to be talking about how many chances do exes give zero, have a good day. Now everyone's like, what?! Everybody's heart stopped. Okay. So this is a really difficult question to answer. Okay. So we're going to guide you through this one a bit, because I don't think there's any specific number now, Margaret, you had a thought about that.
New Speaker (01:09):
I did. What I hear, I'm just thinking of what, what I hear from people. I hear oftentimes that there's been one breakup and reunification and sometimes two. Okay. So the number I said was just again on the, on the simple math I did three. Yeah. Okay.
New Speaker (01:30):
Okay. But we're gonna look deeper at that and how you can look at your own situation to evaluate it a bit. I got two really quick emails, and then we're going to get into this.
Craig (01:43):
The first one said, hi, Craig, my name is Milan. I'm just another brokenhearted guy from the UK. What I wanted to tell you is that when I watch you and Margaret's videos, literally every day, you probably get this a lot, but I just want to express how grateful I am to you too. You are giving people hope you two are angels. Listen, you don't know Margaret. She has little devil horns. You better be careful with that. Yeah, you are lifesavers. I pray and ask God that he takes special care of you too. You are probably not even aware of the fact that you bring light into people's lives. You inspire, you give people positivity, keep it up. Thank you so much. And God bless both of you. Cheers. Thank you.
Craig (02:37):
Thank you so much for those kinds of words. And it is always nice to hear that from you guys. Because you know, on our end, it's nice to know that the stuff that we're putting out for you does help, help. Right? That's very important for us. Yeah. Got another quick email here that says, hi coach Craig and Margaret. I am a huge fan of you, Margaret. I just love your earrings, which my Halloween Christmas earrings today. I saw a lot of people put comments about your cat earrings, how cool. I always check them out in your newest videos. LOL. I have a question about chances. Could you do a video on how many chances and ex gives? Okay. So here you go. This one's for you. First of all, this is so important for me to express to you guys. I really believe that if you want to be successful in trying to get your ex back, if you want to have the best chance act as if you're only getting one, right? Good point. Because many of you guys don't prepare yourself nearly as well as you need to. And then you get in front of them and you make a million mistakes. When in front of your ex that's when you need to be the most disciplined, not the least. And a lot of times you guys are really disciplined for months. Then you get in front of your ex and everything you thought about everything that you planned, just vanishes in a matter of seconds, sometimes all it takes is an ex to say a comment or something. And poof, you just melt in front
Margaret (04:34):
And it goes for women too. And I think a lot of that has to do with anxiety. Yeah, absolutely.
Craig (04:41):
So act as if you're only getting one, what would you do differently in this breakup process if you knew it was one time only? How different are you going to behave? Are you going to obsess about where they're at and what they're doing? You better not because that's a waste of time learning the skills, improving the areas that you've struggled in the relationship, understanding your attachment issues, healing, it, understanding their attachment issues and how to navigate that is far more important than who they're with right now and who they're talking to,
Margaret (05:17):
And you're right. Cause that's what comes up immediately.
Craig (05:20):
Yep. Right? And quite honestly, there's a good chance that whoever they've left you for are dating. Now that's going to fall apart in a short amount of time. And you've wasted time obsessing about this new person when you could be getting ready to show them and blow them away.
Margaret (05:37):
But it's hard not to obsess. You can see by the number of people who do it.
Craig (05:42):
Oh, and I understand, but my goal is to help you guys be the most successful that you can be. And so I'm trying to put you in the right state of mind, the right frame to be successful. What you do with that is up you. Right? Okay. Yes. But you're going to have to stay disciplined. So right. How many chances? Well, we got some questions for you to think about for your own personal situation. Okay. First of all, how do you define the chance? Right. What is a chance? Is it that you broke up and this is a breakup and this is your fourth breakup in six weeks or is it a chance? And you know, you got into an argument and they're not sure about things right now. So it's hard to say how many chances there would be, because it's hard to say, what is a chance, what you define as a chance or your ex defines as a chance, may be two completely different things. Your ex may be like, I gave you a hundred chances to fix that. And you didn't. Whereas I might think, yeah, I might think, well, no, it wasn't as simple as what they're saying here. Okay. So looking at was it a fight, is it an actual breakup? And how many times has it happened? Has it been a lot of breakups or was it a bunch of arguments and now a breakup and it's the same theme come up over and over again, it likely does, right? Yes. Okay. Another important thing to think about what was the length of the relationship? If you're with somebody for years, you have made a significant impact on their life. It's far different. I think if you're with somebody for years, as opposed to six weeks or a few months, you're just getting this know somebody and everybody's in a short term relationship right now, their heart is racing, but you know, it's the reality. How can you compare a relationship where you've been with somebody for four years to somebody you've dated for four months? Okay. So you got to look at it differently. How many mistakes have you made? You know what I mean? Like and along with that, what has, how severe was the mistake? Did you cheat five times or did you ignore that person for a certain amount of time or forgot their birthday three years in a row? Or, you know what I mean, how it could be really extreme on what the offense is and how they viewed the offense.
Margaret (08:26):
Absolutely. Did you not pick up your socks or like Craig says, did you cheat five times? There's a big difference. Did I demand to see his cell phone 10 times? Because I didn't believe him. That's another issue. You can look at all sorts of things.
Craig (08:40):
Where are you lying? Did you disappoint them? Was it a hundred times or was it one severe time? So there's going to be a lot of different things to evaluate for what it's that chance. And will they give you another severe? Is it. A big one. Were you ever abusive to them? Right. Physically, verbally. Margaret, what are your thoughts about that?
Margaret (09:07):
Well, that's huge. And certainly the rule is never, ever in our adult lives do we put up with abuse of any kind. So that's a deal breaker, unless the person gets into some therapy. Now it can get fuzzy around verbal abuse. "All I said was the truth." You know, there are all sorts of debates about that, but I think it's how it felt to the recipient that wins the day. I don't care what you meant, what you said was extremely hurtful to me. Okay. and it made me feel bad about myself and it made me really sad for three days. So whatever you meant, I don't care. This was the result of what you said, and that can be either way men to women or women to men. Absolutely.
Craig (09:57):
How many times have they asked you to correct this? Right? Is it that you slipped up one time and they never brought that up to you before? Or is it something they've asked you to quit doing a hundred times or you promised you would change a hundred times and you didn't
Margaret (10:14):
You never tell me what time you're coming home. I've raised this with you 500 times. Right. And you still won't give me a call when you get out of the office and tell me what your plans are. So yeah, I hear that one a lot. Or you haven't taken your dishes out of the sink for three years now that may sound minor, but if you've got a couple of kids and you're trying to clean up the sink, not so funny. Okay.
Craig (10:42):
Here's another one. What was the positive to negative ratio in the relationship? In other words, how much good versus bad were there? Right. And you know, I think it was John Gottman that was talking about the five to one ratio that there should be five positive interactions for every negative. Now they also get a bit tricky. Cause it's like, what you see as positive, I may not. And what I'm going to see is positive. You may not, but in general, it's just good to think about that. The five to one ratio is really important.
Margaret (11:16):
I like that five positive for one negative. One of the things I like to ask is at its best, what was the relationship like? Well, when we were first together, he paid attention to me or she was always so glad when I could come home and you know, you hear some good stuff, but it can, it can deteriorate over time.
Craig (11:37):
Sure. Yeah. And I think that goes along with one of the next points I wanted to make was how serious did it get when it was at its best? Right. Was the person saying, I think you're the most amazing person ever, I want to marry you. And it was like that for five or, you know what I mean? And then, you know what I mean? Or is it, you know, they told you that over a long weekend.
Margaret (12:01):
Yeah. When everything was going just great. So it's very different thing. I just want to know one of the politicians who just dropped out of the presidential race, I think it was Kamala Harris. Her husband issued a statement saying I'll be there for her as always. And I thought, how absolutely wonderful, what a secure base, this big major, not feeling so good things just happened to you and I'll be there for you and I'm letting the world know that
Craig (12:28):
I loved it. Wow. That is nice to know. Yeah. One other point that I wanted to get to was how long has the relationship had problems for? Yeah. That's really important. Have you been having problems for six weeks? Have you been problems having problems for six years? Right. And believe it or not, I'll have people come to me where they've been in a relationship for 10, 20 years and the relationship has been bad for 10 years. Yeah. 6 years. And now it's a lot harder to show that person that the relationship would change. I mean, if we've been unhappy for so many years, what makes me think that you're going to change enough or that things will be different enough between us to be better?
Margaret (13:17):
Anybody can change if they really choose to. And you know, my boyfriend or my girlfriend says they're going to change, but they refuse to go to therapy. That's doesn't sound too sincere to me then. You know, some people can read books and listen to us and make improvements. And that's wonderful. But oftentimes if it's a serious matter, it does involve some outside support of some sort.
Craig (13:44):
You got to do the work and that's why I done workbooks. I can't stress that enough to you guys. They really get you to sit down and evaluate who you are, who you want to become and help you get there. It's really important because you don't want to have one chance with your ex and then not be ready for it. I hate that.
Margaret (14:09):
One of the other questions I like to ask is tell me what you fought about and believe it or not, sometimes they get a clear answer. We fought about, he stays out of the house too much. Or she goes out with her girlfriends and comes home drunk at two o'clock in the morning, all the time. It used to be a few times a month. And now it's like 10 times a month. Those are the kinds of things you hear. But I also often hear it doesn't make any difference. We just fought, okay. Then you're distancing from each other for some reason. And you got to look at whatever that is. Whether one party is avoidant and it's too close. One party is anxious and you're gone too much. You got to look, if you're fighting about absolutely everything, then look at why are you from each other.
Craig (14:52):
And of course we can help you navigate that for your situation personally, if you want to get our help with an individual session. But I, I have one major point that I want you to think about. And that is when it comes to doing the work you want to practice so much and get so ready that when the time comes, you can't get it wrong,
Margaret (15:18):
Right. If you've made real changes, you can't get it wrong. And it doesn't amount to whatever words you put together correctly. If you've really made the changes, it will come through.
Craig (15:29):
You think about like an elite basketball player, they have their shot down so well that it doesn't matter who defends them and what place on the court at what angle, at what height they can make it. And that's the way you want to act is that no matter when it happens, how it happens, that you've really incorporated so much personal growth, that when the time gets in front of them and you are going to be anxious and scared that you can't screw it up,
Margaret (16:05):
You can't mess it up if you've really made the changes. And that brings me to another point, just to be a little more specific, we all want a partner. Who's a reasonable grownup? How do reasonable grownups act? Okay. They take first and foremost, they take responsibility for their own behavior and decisions. Okay. And if you're still with somebody who's saying, well, that wasn't my fault. It was your fault, et cetera, et cetera. Don't get too excited because you need a person who's going to take responsibility for their behavior and you need to take responsibility for yours. But if you continue to be blaming each other things will never work.
Craig (16:46):
Yep, absolutely. Yeah. So hopefully this will help you really think about your situation and the chances that you guys are all looking at and trying to figure out.