7 Reasons Exes Get Back Together—and What It Means for Your Relationship
By Coach Craig Kenneth, M.A., with Coach Victoria.
Why do exes get back together? When you’re going through a breakup, hearing the reasons can help you see possibilities you’ve forgotten about—or didn’t realize were important.
Victoria and I discussed seven reasons in one of our videos. “We could only come up with seven, so that’s all you get today,” I joked. Obviously, there are many reasons people reconnect, but these seven gave us a useful place to start.
Our discussion drew on research into on-again, off-again relationships by René M. Dailey and colleagues. A 2011 study surveyed 274 people who had experienced an on-again, off-again relationship and identified lingering feelings as a predominant reason for renewing the relationship. We expanded on the topic with examples from our own experiences and coaching conversations. You can find the study abstract here.
Austin is a lovely city. Stay weird out there—and thank you, René, for the research.
Before we get into the reasons, remember this: understanding why someone returns is different from knowing whether the relationship will be healthier this time. Some motivations give you more to build on than others.
1. Lingering Feelings
The first reason is—drumroll, please—Star Wars figures.
No, that didn’t make the list. It’s number one on the list for me, ironically. The first reason is actually lingering feelings.
To me, this speaks to how powerful attachment can be. A person can end a relationship without all their romantic feelings disappearing. Love can feel like an imprint on you. You might have broken up with somebody years ago and still have feelings for them.
That’s part of what we want people to understand when they feel hopeless. The decision to leave and the emotional bond aren’t always moving in the same direction at the same time.
Victoria made an important distinction: just because the feelings are still there doesn’t mean the emotional tools and relationship skills needed for a healthy connection are magically there, too.
Feelings can give you an opening. You still have to work on how you relate to each other.
2. Familiarity
Familiarity includes the little routines you create as a couple. Maybe you spend mornings together, ride to work together, or call each other at a certain time.
Once you break up, that routine is broken. The absence can make an ordinary part of the day feel strange.
I’ve talked about this with the breakup involving the Applebee’s girl. When I would leave work or finish part of my day, I would call her. We’d talk about how she was doing, how our days were going, or what we planned to do that evening.
It was part of my routine. After the breakup, that time of day had a big impact on me. I felt like I needed to be talking to this person.
You probably have your own version of that. It’s the moment when something happens and you automatically think about telling your partner—then remember you aren’t talking anymore.
Victoria pointed out that dating somebody new makes the contrast especially clear. You’re starting over with basic information: their family, how they grew up, and how they live their life.
Your ex already knows Tuesday night is your class, or when you have to pick up your children. A new person doesn’t necessarily understand those things yet.
Or, as Victoria joked, the new person gets offended because you roll over to go to sleep instead of cuddling all night. They think you’re mad at them.
“Don’t you like me?”
“I do—until you ask me that,” I joked.
When you’re familiar with someone, they already know that rolling over isn’t personal. That comfort and understanding can be something people miss after a breakup.
3. Companionship
Companionship is a bit of a mixed bag. It can mean missing a meaningful connection with someone who understands you. It can also mean feeling so lonely that you’d rather return to an ex than spend time alone.
Victoria and I don’t like the idea of fear of loneliness driving the relationship. Ideally, the other person adds to your life, and you’re choosing them because the connection is meaningful.
We see situations where someone feels they always have to be in a relationship. One ends, they start another, or they return to somebody familiar because being alone feels too uncomfortable.
You don’t have to like being single. You don’t have to want it. But getting to a place where you can be okay on your own helps you choose relationships for better reasons.
If you’re terrified of being alone, it’s worth looking at how you soothe yourself and manage anxiety. Those difficulties can follow you into the relationship, too.
This is one of the things we work on through the Creative Healing Course. We use cartoons with anxiety-ridden characters to help make these patterns easier to recognize. There’s even some very obvious Star Wars inspiration in how anxiety is portrayed.
“You’re afraid, aren’t you?” I said in my Emperor voice.
We can have some fun with it while helping you understand something important: getting back together won’t automatically resolve the anxiety that makes being apart feel unbearable.
4. Insight and Personal Growth
If we had to choose the best reason for an ex to return, Victoria and I would choose insight.
They’ve reflected on the relationship. They understand more about themselves, where things went wrong, and what they want to do differently. They can come back and say, “I actually do want this to work. I want to put in the effort.”
That’s very different from someone returning while still saying, “This was all your fault.”
When two people take accountability for how they contributed to the problems, the conversation can change. Now you have something to work with.
Victoria noted that a thoughtful reunion may look cautious and intentional. You have conversations about what the relationship would look like now and how it would be different.
Time apart can include new experiences, maturity, and a different understanding of each other. But that’s why I keep emphasizing personal growth. If all your time goes into obsessing about your ex, you aren’t putting that time toward the changes you want to bring into a relationship.
One of my best friends broke up with his partner before they were married. They were apart for about a year, got back together, and went on to have a marriage lasting decades.
People do break up and get back together. What matters is what they bring back to the relationship.
5. They Recognize the Value of the Relationship
In the video, we called this reason “the ex is the best option.” What do I mean by that?
I mean becoming someone who is emotionally steadier, confident, empathetic, understanding, and able to communicate. Those qualities matter in a relationship.
Sometimes an ex dates other people and begins to appreciate things about the relationship they left. As painful as that can be for you, you can’t control whether they choose to explore other connections.
The most useful thing you can do is focus on your own growth. Do the workbooks consistently. Get support. Practice the changes you want to make so that, if another opportunity comes, you can show up differently.
Victoria added that you have a decision to make, too. If someone recognized your value after losing the relationship, there may be hurt to repair around that. You don’t have to ignore it simply because they’ve returned.
And here’s something I was direct about: if you’re still pursuing them, sending handwritten letters, clean slate messages, or good reminder texts, you’re continuing to offer the connection they walked away from.
I disagree with those attempts to engineer a response. If someone has ended the relationship and isn’t willing to repair it, stop chasing. Give them room to make their own decision, and give yourself room to grow.
That doesn’t mean ignoring shared responsibilities or failing to respect explicit boundaries. It means stopping the effort to persuade them to be your partner.
6. Regret
Victoria described the impulsive breakup: an argument happens, someone gets angry, and they say, “I’ve had enough. I’m done.” Later, after cooling off, they begin to realize the gravity of the decision.
Regret can also take longer. What felt right in the moment may look different after someone experiences life without the relationship.
I used a shopping example in our discussion. If something is still available at the store five minutes away, I may not regret passing it up. If it sells out, suddenly I’m thinking, “I should have gotten it when I had the chance.”
The point is about recognizing a loss. It isn’t an instruction to pretend you’re unavailable or manufacture jealousy. You don’t need to keep reassuring someone that they can return whenever they want while you put your life on hold.
Space may give an ex an opportunity to reflect, but it doesn’t guarantee regret. And regret alone doesn’t tell you whether they’re ready to address the problems between you.
At this point in our discussion, Victoria mentioned that someone had commented on how often she said “exactly.” She decided she might try “precisely” instead.
“Indeedly,” I offered. “Do I have some options?”
We had options. The bigger point remained: you’re looking for thoughtful effort after the regret, not just an emotional moment.
7. Concern for Their Former Partner
The last reason is returning for the partner’s sake. This can happen when someone has strong caretaker tendencies.
Victoria described people who grew up taking care of younger siblings or carrying responsibilities when their parents weren’t available. In a relationship, they may feel deeply responsible for making sure the other person is okay.
They might think, “I can’t leave them when they’re hurting this much. I have to go back.”
It’s okay for care and concern to be part of why someone wants to repair a relationship. You want to matter to your partner. But if guilt is the main thing keeping them there, that’s a difficult foundation to build on.
You want someone choosing a relationship with you, rather than feeling obligated to manage your distress.
We also discussed the extreme situation where someone threatens harm to themselves or others to prevent a breakup. Don’t use threats to bring an ex back. If those feelings are real for you, seek immediate professional support locally; you deserve help with the distress itself. A partner shouldn’t have to resume a relationship to prevent a crisis.
You may feel as though you can’t be okay without this person. That feeling deserves care and support, but it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of getting through the breakup.
A Return Is an Opportunity to Assess What Has Changed
Victoria’s closing point was that there’s a range of reasons exes return, and some are healthier than others. Someone coming back doesn’t automatically mean they’re bringing their best relationship skills with them.
What you can control is the work you do on yourself: understanding your patterns, building emotional self-control, and learning to communicate more effectively.
That way, if another chance comes, you’re better prepared to explore whether it can become a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. And those skills can help with other people you meet, too.
As I said in the video, the work pays off one way or the other.
If you want our help with your situation, explore private coaching with me or Coach Victoria at AskCraig.net. You can also find The Knowledge Workbooks and Creative Healing Course there to help you actively work on your relationship patterns during No Contact.
Research Referenced
Dailey, R. M., Jin, B., Pfiester, A., & Beck, G. (2011). On-again/off-again dating relationships: What keeps partners coming back? The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(4), 417–440. Read the abstract. The research concerns relationship renewals; the examples and advice above reflect our discussion and interpretation, not predictions about an individual ex.