Am I Wasting My Time?

Am I Wasting My Time?

I got an email from a woman named Allison who is unsure about if her boyfriend is relationship material.

So, lets take a look at what’s going on in this situation and I will assess. Do I think she should she keep em or drop em?

Her email says: Hi Craig, so I came across your channel because I’m confused about my current relationship. I am a 28 year old woman with a 4 year old daughter. Her father is not really involved in his daughter’s life. My current boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We dated for about 4, months he disappeared out of my life. He just stopped calling me or texting me. Then he came back about 5 months later and wanted to work things out. He told me he was really sorry, that he needed to get things figured out. He told me how his drug problem (I had no idea he was doing drugs) got really bad. I really cared about him so I give it another shot.

Okay, So I’m already seeing major red flags. This guy is addicted to drugs and disappeared from her life completely after they had been dating for 4 months. Forget about the drugs for a minute. He disappeared from your life once, what makes you think he’s not going to do it again. Next time you could have kids with him.

You obviously didn’t mean that much to him the first time. Him just ghosting you tells me quite a bit about his personality. He wasn’t very attached to you for him to just disappear.  It also tells me a little about you. It tells me you’ve been hurt before.

My guess is that you’ve got some abandonment issues going on from your past. So you are attracted to this situation because you want to repair your early childhood wounds.

That’s a huge unconscious part of attraction. We are very unconsciously drawn to people who will hurt us in the same way as our parents. Now you said you had no idea he had a drug problem. But, I think you did. I think one of your parents had a drug problem and that is why you were unconsciously drawn to this guy to begin with.

That was traumatic for you. Now, my guess is that because he traumatized you, it had an impact on you. Unless you did a bit of work talking about it, it tells me you are probably giving him another chance because you are trying to unconsciously figure out what happened the first time around.

Allison: My daughter is visiting her grandparents out of state for the summer. So he is now staying with me because he got into big fight with his roommate. He is still using drugs but I love him. I feel like God put me in his life to help him.

Okay, wow. So, she has this belief in her mind that God wants her to help fix this guy. Until we deal with that she is going to continue to allow any and all of his behavior. 

So, Allison. If you believe God wants you to help fix this guy let me be very clear. Do it only as a friend. You cannot fix anyone. They have to want help. He continues to use drugs. Therefore, thing he will put first every single time, is his addiction. End of story.

You can be supportive as a friend. But he is completely useless to you or anyone else as an active addict. He will not have the tools, desire, or ability to maintain a healthy emotional adult relationship.

God does not put people like this in your life to be your life partner. He puts healthy adults who are ready to love you, be emotionally available to you, and support you. This guy needs a lot of help and he’s not even helping himself.

Allison: Should I try to make it work with him, I really care about him? What would you do?

First and foremost should be your daughter. You are putting her at risk being in a relationship with an addict. Their behavior is dangerous and unpredictable. You are also putting yourself at risk. Emotionally as you ARE going to get hurt by this guy (sooner than later). Perhaps, depending on his drug habit, you are putting your own health at risk! He could be sharing needles, or sexually acting out with other people. HIV, Herpes, Hepatitis, HPV. There is no telling what he is doing when he is high.

Now, you are a big girl so I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. BUT since you want to know what I would do? This is an easy case of Dump him.

GOD does not want him as your romantic partner. You can be his friend, help get him support and help. Get him into therapy to deal with his issues.