Top 8 Deal Breakers in Relationships
The reason I want to talk about deal breakers is because you should know what your personal deal breakers are before you even start dating someone.
That way, if you know you have some, not to even start going on dates with someone who has one.
I’m going to talk about some very common deal breakers in this video.
First I’m going to do a quick update from the video Relationship Deal Breakers
In that video a woman had just broken up with her boyfriend because he has substance abuse issues. He smokes pot 3 times a day and drinks alcohol heavily outside of social settings.
One of the key things to look for if someone has a substance abuse issue is it interfering with his functioning and life. In that case it was (you can check out the video Relationship Deal Breakers to get the entire story)
Woman: I watched Choosing a Good Partner and I can see all of the issues my ex has at the moment are not signs of being emotionally healthy...
You're right that my ex's behavior is a 'deal breaker' and something I needed to be firm about. However I still can't help myself dwelling on and feeling guilty about the part I played in damaging our relationship too. For example I also watched the attachment style video. I think my attachment style would be mildly anxious. While I wouldn't say I was clingy or jealous, my reaction to his lifestyle certainly mirrored the example you gave about the husband who is too late home to cook his wife dinner. In fact it almost made me laugh because it sounded so familiar!
Craig: Well while there is no doubt your attachment style would affect your behavior in a relationship, the bottom line is that he is still using and abusing substances. Your behavior did not influence his using it as you mentioned to me he has been using them to cope with problems for years.
Woman: Towards the end of our relationship I started to get upset, and moan, nag, criticize if I felt his smoking or drinking interfered in our relationship in even very small ways. While I accept that I had every right to bring the issue up in general I think the manner in which I did so wasn't helpful and pushed him away. It's good to have this insight.
Craig: No matter how you bring it up, if he wasn’t going to stop, he wasn’t going to stop. The only reason someone quits substances is because they want to. You can’t make them. I want you to let go of that guilt. It wouldn’t have changed his desire to stop.
Woman: I do find that I am wanting to do irrational things like contact him and apologize more for the part I played and even tell him I could change if he did too. However, I'm going to stick to your advice and keep doing no contact! I know that unfortunately right now this is just something I have to work on and learn from for the future.
Craig: I think you are looking for excuses to contact him. My guess is that you are hoping that he will tell you he loves you enough to change. It’s understandable. We do a lot of irrational things for love.
Keep doing no contact, if he wants to work it out with you, make sure he gets into some type of substance abuse program first. Don’t be fooled by promises that he will.
So lets get to some of the deal breakers to keep in mind before you consider dating someone.
1) Substance abuse- we just talked about this. If someones use of substances interferes with life functioning. They have an issue. The addiction will always come before everything else. Including their own health. This includes smoking or chewing tobacco
2) Any kind of abuse. Physical or verbal. Threats. One of the most important traits of a healthy relationship is safety. If there isn’t physical or emotional safety, get out.
3) HealthyIssues or STD’s- You need to decide from the beginning if you are willing to deal with someone’s health issues or STD’s. Are you willing to put yourself at risk for them.
4) Poor Hygeine- You don’t have to date Mr. Clean
5) Doesn’t want kids. If you want kids and they don’t. You have a real problem. Straighten it out right away. Don’t waste your time
6) Where you want to live. Remember Kim Kardashian had this issue with husband number 1. You better know if this is a deal breaker for you
7) Religious beliefs- You have to accept theirs, they have to accept yours. Sometimes the differences can be too big
8) Cultural beliefs- sometimes you cannot agree on how a kid will be raised if there are drastic differences in your cultures
Know what your deal breakers are. If you find them, its better to move on sooner than later. Sometimes things can be negotiated, sometimes they cant.
IF you sit down and try to talk through it and can’t come to an agreement, it’s best to move on so you both can have what you want.