I Can’t Stop Obsessing Over My Ex- Attachment Trauma
In this video I’m going to talk about why we have obsessive thoughts about our ex. Then I go into an email, and I even talk about why the break up isn’t as painful for our ex.
If you are going through a break up you may find yourself obsessed with your ex.
A break up can be very traumatic.
Physically you hurt. Your chest feels physical pain. You are anxious and sick to your stomach.
You can’t sleep, you can’t eat. All the physical pains are a reminder of your ex.
You may have relentless, obsessive and intrusive thoughts that you can’t turn off or tune out.
You are consumed with your ex.
I got an email here from Jerry who wants to know why. He is going through a break up and having a really difficult time. He writes, Hi Craig, I just signed up for your Skype coaching package. I’m really looking forward to it. I broke up with my ex 2 months ago and I can’t stop thinking about her. I’ve lost 10 pounds. I keep waking up in the middle of the night.
Why does this happen to us. Why is it worse for some people than others?
Craig: Well a lot of it actually has to do with our own personal history and the attachment we had with our caregivers.
If you had a secure attachment style, you’re going to be more likely to go through the loss quickly. You’ve had love your entire life and so you haven’t had a need. You don’t have a tremendous amount of unmet needs.
The break up for you is more about your long history of unmet needs than it is about that person. I wonder how your feelings about the break up would change if I told you tomorrow you would meet a hotter, sweeter, funnier, richer girl.
Think about that scenario for a moment.
Work with me and you’ll be a lot more likely to find the kind of partner you’re trying to attract.
Jerry: I don’t even think she thinks about me. It makes me feel even worse.
Craig: I have been there. Well, she does think about you. But remember, initially she will probably be relieved. A lot of times there is someone else in the background. Remember, a man doesn’t throw away his only pair of shoes.
So initially they are thinking about their new toy. Until it isn’t what they expected. Remember once you get something that you’ve been wanting, you no longer want it.
So if they had secretly been desiring someone and fantasizing about it. Chances are, that other guy will blow it.
As long as you maintain no contact (which I’m not going to get into in this video)
But here is why they aren’t thinking about you or obsessing over you:
1) She chose to break up. It wasn’t unexpected for your ex. They had been thinking about it for some time.
2) They were prepared (and who knows how long they have been)
3) They had control over the situation. You had no say in the matter.
So, if it gets to the point where they don’t have control or feel like they have control. After they are wondering what YOU are doing. Then it starts to hurt them. They feel separation anxiety. Anxiety is the root of desire.
Our connection and relationships to others is the primary way human beings feel safe. So when we are going through a break up it feels like when we were a child and lost our caregivers. It feels like we are going to die.
Our attachment to our partner is the way we feel safe as an adult. When we lose that connection in triggers separation anxiety and our attachment traumas.
Each break up brings up past break ups. They’re attached like a string of paperclips.
So when your partner breaks up with you don’t feel safe. Your body releases chemicals (probably the same that you would release as a lost child). The brain is perceiving that you are being deprived and going without love
If you had an attachment trauma in your childhood where you weren’t heard. Ignored, neglected. Abandoned.
It’s like you are a child again. You feel those same feelings again. If a trauma is bad enough you can’t separate the past from the present.
The person, the object of your affection, who you had projected getting all those unmet needs from, is now gone and you feel terrified, alone, unloved.
Because we have not made peace with our history of being ignored or neglected
The brain uses the most recent person.
Warning: I don’t feel safe. I don’t have enough love in my life, I don’t have enough emotional connection
When babies develop a secure attachment bond, they are better able to:
- Develop fulfilling intimate relationships
- Maintain emotional balance
- Feel confident and good about themselves
- Enjoy being with others
- Rebound from disappointment and loss
- Share their feelings and seek support
They are able to do all those things better in adulthood as well.
Are you struggling with your breakup? My workbook series will help you grow, change and re-attract your ex. Just click on the link below