Never Chase After Being Dumped.
Why you should never chase after you get dumped and how if you do, it will only make the situation worse.
If someone ends your relationship, and you want them back, there are very limited actions you can take to re attract them.
Pursuing them is not one of them. Your instinct will be to pursue her. To tell them how much you love them, to beg, to write her a letter. Try the grand gesture.
Its normal. They pull back, and you chase. It’s kind of instinct because our separation anxiety kicks in on a very deep level. And the more anxious you are on a regular basis, the more you are going to be afraid they will abandon you for good.
I have an email from Dave who says: Hey Coach, so I’m going through a break up and I’m having a really hard time. I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years. We have 2 kids together. I’ve had to switch my work schedule about 6 months ago and we haven’t been spending much time together. I am so tired that on the weekends I don’t feel like doing anything. She gets angry at me for sleeping all the time. Then as the months went on we started arguing more and more. Now, she said she can’t do it anymore. She said she’s tired of it and told me she wants me to move out. At first I refused to leave the house and she stayed at her sister’s house for about a week. I told her to come home with the kids and I will go stay with my brother. I was hoping that if I stayed there it would force her to want to work it out.
So first of all, I can only imagine what you’re going through. Ten years with someone, and two kids. You must be having a really hard time. And it would be hard to let someone go that you love.
Okay so here’s what I’m seeing. It sounds like because your work schedule changed, you weren’t spending time with her and the kids and she was getting frustrated. She probably told you that many times. She was reaching out to you repeatedly and you were making excuses.
At that point you probably were in a pattern of making excuses, while she kept pushing you to pay attention to her.
When you weren’t paying her any attention she probably turned away and said things like You don’t care about me. Leaving you alone. You would just continue to sleep only caring about having peace and quiet.
Then after she could see you weren’t trying to repair the situation, she would have an emotional melt down. You guys would start arguing. You would repeatedly use logic and reason to defend your position of being too tired.
Guys if your girl is telling you something, you need to listen to her and validate her feelings.
In this case something like, you’re tired of how much time I’ve been sleeping. You feel like I’m not spending enough time with you. Is that right? (if she says yes). You then say: Okay you’re right, I have been sleeping a lot more on the weekends because of my new work schedule. If I was in your shoes it would bother me too.
Notice how I didn’t say any excuses about being tired, you’ve probably done that a lot already.
Then you say I miss you guys, hug her, hold her. Then take her to do something fun together.
That is what you needed to do at the time. Now, your idea is to try and force her to make it work. You can’t force anyone to be with you. She feels smothered right now.
Now, what you need to do is go to your brother’s house. Give her space. Start making plans with your kids and the only reason you should contact her is about the kids. Don’t even send one message about how you miss her or love her. The only thing that does is make her feel more smothered.
Leave her alone and let her come to you. If she starts to see that you really do care about the kids and have changed, by spending time with them. Wait until she contacts you, and then plan a fun evening with her. However, the only way you share your feelings if you are reciprocating. And only match her level of reciprocation.
If she said I had a good time tonight don’t be like Iove you, I miss you, I can’t take being away from you. No you say, I had a good time too. DON’T EVEN ASK HER OUT AGAIN OR MENTION DOING IT AGAIN SOON. Let her come to you again!