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Topic: Break ups when kids are involved.

Today’s topic is going to be how to handle a break up when kids are involved.

Now I’m not just talking about if you had a child with this person. I’m talking about when you or they had a kid going into the relationship. I have been in that situation and it was literally the hardest break up of my life. And I will share that embarrassing tale today.

I have a great quote that I wanted to share about break ups. The Great Sigmund Freud Said: We are never so vulnerable as when we love, and never so hopelessly unhappy as when we lose the object of our love.

So it’s bad enough that we lose the person we love during a break up, but often times we lose other people we really care about. They count too. Believe it not they matter. We know these people for years and they often become a huge part of our life. It can be friends, family, kids. And often times we lose contact with all of them. Especially because break ups can cause so much drama, everyone starts taking sides.

So I want to start with an email from Bryan today. He says: Hey coach, I was hoping you could help me out with my break up. I feel lost. I am heartbroken and I think I’m depressed. I can barely eat. I eat once a day and I barely have any appetite. I lay awake at night crying. I keep checking my phone to see if she’s called. Last night I made myself sick while I was crying and threw up all over myself. I’ve had throbbing headaches and I can literally sit in a chair for hours and not even turn on the t.v. My girlfriend said she isn’t attracted to me anymore and broke up with me.

We’ve been together for 4 years and I had no idea she was so unhappy. She said she only sees me as a friend and wants to start dating other people.

Talk about pouring salt on the wounds. Dude I am so sorry that’s happening to you. You sound depressed.He continues to add that she had two sons who I love like my own two kids. I took them to all their little league games.

Honestly, I have been in your shoes. You sound depressed. I’ve definitely gotten depressed over some of my break ups.I felt and I looked like a lost child. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I had no desire to do anything.  All I could think about was my ex and her kid.

She had two sons who I love like my own two kids. I took them to all their little league games. We used to do everything together. Their own father wants nothing to do with them, but they call me dad. They call me from their phone all the time and ask me where I am.

I can tell you from experience you have to grieve. For a long time I was very sad. I was about as sad as you Bryan. I would wake up in cold sweats. I would think about her daughter and cry. I would stalk her Facebook. One time she posted a Facebook picture of her daughter, I missed her so much I cried.

The difficult part was that I was angry at my ex. I knew she was being immature and selfish (it ran in her family). But I just missed her daughter.

I know what It’s like to be inyour shoes. I wish there had been a break up coach out there for me. Someone that knew what I was going through. TO talk with. Who had THE REAL answers as to what can get them back.  That’s why I do this. I want to coach you through it. I want to give you, what I needed during my break ups.

As a therapist I’ve learned that we often give other people the thing we wish we had gotten. That’s one reason you’ll know I’m going to be able to help. Because I am offering you the very best strategies that I wish I had gotten. That nobody knew and yes they did help me get back with an ex that literally everyone in my life said I would never get back.

He wants to know if there's anything he can do to get her back? He thinks the grand gesture will work. It ain't like the movies. The grand gesture is a complete lie. You can go ahead and do it and nail the coffin of your relationship. I did it. When a girlfriend broke up with me and I thought it was just a fight. I waited until she went to work and I planted flowers, put down mulch, I did the whole front yard. She came home and she was pissed. That's what the grand gesture will do for you.

Is there anything he can do to get her back? I know most guys want to do something. The grand gesture. I’m sorry to say, but they actually cause harm more than anything.

Yes and no. Don't try talking to her, her friends and family. I used to make that mistake ALL THE TIME.


Do not contact her for any reason. Take space for yourself. Look at how your behavior has been clingy, needy and weak.

If you leave her alone, and she was ever attached to you, she will revisit the situation. She will reconsider getting back with you. But that is only on her terms. You have to let her come back to you. She will contact you (and likely it will be something that seems insignificant reason). Understand, that any time a woman contacts you after a break up, its because shes testing the waters to see how you'll respond. Very rarely does a woman say "I miss you. I made a mistake" or anything even similar. It will be something like, "can you send me your Moms recipe for meatballs?" It's not about the meatballs. She wants to see how you'll respond and she's hoping you'll know to ask her on a date. 

Make a date. Hang out, have fun. Have her come to your place (after all she broke up with you and has to earn YOU back), cook dinner, get wine. Be romantical.

As far as when kids are involved. You have different feelings for different people. In order to move on, get angry at your ex. You have to get angry to move on. But you will have to grieve and morn the loss of the kids in your life (assuming you do not get back with your ex).