Dating Multiple People Helps Manage Attachment Issues/Trauma

Dating multiple people helps manage attachment issues

In this video I’m going to be talking about the benefits of dating multiple people.

For some of you it will help you relax and reduce anxiety during the dating process. Something that I call Courtship Anxiety.

For those of you who have an attachment issues, such as an attachment trauma it can help you stay a little more calm and relaxed

When we start talking to or dating someone new we have a tendency to project our fantasies and unmet needs onto that new person.

It can be unhealthy because you get hooked into by the delusion that you have created and projected.

This puts a lot of pressure and stress on not only the situation, but the other person and ourselves.

Think about a time you started to talk to someone new. When you think of this person, you start to imagine all these great wonderful things about them.

The less we hear from them and the more time that goes between contact, the more we become anxious and desire them more.

Now, in some ways this is a good thing. When we have a delayed gratification to hearing from them and seeing them, we have a bigger payoff. So when we do see them, the chemicals released in our brain are more intense and we start to like them more.


However, for those of you who have attachment traumas or an insecure attachment style often times obsess over the fantasy of this new person. Because you have been neglected for so long. Whatever your unmet needs are feel

I got an email here from Steve who is going though this exact situation. He writes, Hello hello Craig,

Fantastic channel, love your videos. Incredibly insightful! I have really started to learn some things about myself thanks to your videos. I realized that I have a very insecure attachment style. I never realized how anxious I was until my girlfriend and I broke up several months ago. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I was really obsessed. Day and night. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I lost weight. My chest hurt, it was awful.

I have become aware that my mother has a very anxious attachment style and her parents were abusive. I am now seeing how it has had a major effect on me in my relationships. I’m often attracted to women who I know are not good for me. I don’t want to get back with my ex, but dating new women for me has been tough. I start to like a girl even before I really know her. I can’t even help it. I tell myself, I don’t know her I have to spend time with her… but my brain starts thinking about us getting married and having kids. Sometimes before the second or third date.

Craig: So I suggest to you considering dating multiple people. Now to what extent you feel comfortable doing so is up to you.

What I’m suggesting is that if you are single, and in the very early stages of dating, at least keeping your options open by talking to several people.

Here’s why: When you have several options. You do not expect that one person to meet all of your unmet needs

It will help keep you from fantasizing and projecting so intensely on one person. Keeps you from getting attached so quickly and projecting

Helps you make sure that this person is right for you. You want to have an abundance mentality. That there are plenty of eligible single people out there looking for the right person.

When you are able to do that, you are with someone because you want to be with them, not NEED to be with them.

Steve: After a date I have a really hard time not over pursuing. After reflecting on my relationships, it seems that the only women that attracted to me are ones that have more anxiety than I do.

So if you were dating multiple people, you wouldn’t have all your hopes and dreams put on this one person. It’s healthier for you to date several people and get to know them. When you date several people you can pick the right person for you objectively and not out of a desperate need.

If you were starving, you would eat anything someone gave you.

But if you ate you would be more selective with your next meal.

During the courtship, as a man, your job is to reach out, extend an invitation

You wait for her to reply. In the meantime, you set up a date with someone else and go out and have a great time.

Keep doing this and take your time getting to know the people you are dating. Make sure they are going to be a good fit for you (they should be doing the same thing)

If one girl does not respond, either move on or wait a week and try again. But you won’t be so stressed when you have other options. You won’t stare at the phone waiting for her to get back to you.

If you make one person the object of your affection. You will begin to project all your hopes and fantasies on this one person.

You are trying to get them to meet all your needs.

You are putting the cart before the horse. The way we connect is by being intimate. Once all the chemicals are released then human beings become attached


You really want to take your time getting to know someone. As soon as you become exclusive, you unconsciously expect that person to meet all your needs.

Because you’ve projected all these lofty expectations on them, you are going to be hurt and disappointed that they can’t live up to all of them.