What’s An Attachment Style?
I talk about attachment styles in a lot of my videos. Some of you guys have no idea what I’m talking about.
So in today’s video, I’m going to give a little bit of an overview of them. And help you understand why knowing about them, can help you gain tremendous insight into yourself and your relationships.
One of the awesome things for you guys who get my coaching, is that I can ask you a few questions about you and your partner, and it will give me a lot of information on how to help you personally. And make adjustments that is going to give you better results.
I got an email today from James who said: Hey Craig, I have to say, I have learned more about relationships from watching your videos in the past month, than I have my entire life. Thank you! This channel is going to be huge. I feel really grateful for all your hard work so I wanted to make a donation to your channel, but I see that there isn’t a donate button.
Thank you James. I didn’t intend to put one up, but I had a few other people bring that up to me, so I will. I think what I’m going to do is put any donations I get to a college fund for my son.
James: So I still don’t really understand what an attachment style can you talk about it?
Absolutely. A log time ago in a baby crib far far away…
As a baby, around 3 months old we begin to attach to our caregivers. We form an Emotional bond.
Human beings have the longest and most dependent infancy of any species. So if our caregivers don’t take care of us, we die. So we bond with each other.
If our parents or caregivers (I use these terms interchangeably) are attentive to our needs, hold us, feed us, change us, give us attention and love consistently and reliably… say 90 percent of the time. We form a secure attachment with them.
When our parents are not as attentive to our needs, and do not meet our needs consistently we form an insecure attachment style.
Here are just some possible reasons as to why that happened: your mother has a postpartum depression. Maybe she has 4 kids. Maybe your parents work all the time. Maybe you went to an overwhelmed daycare. You had parent that had an avoidant attachment style themselves so they didn’t connect with you. They could have had mental health issues.
Your parents could have been alcoholics or drug addicts. Maybe they just aren’t good parents. It could be a lot of reasons, but for whatever reason. Their inconsistency caused you to have an insecure attachment style.
So when we learned to reach out for our parents, they didn’t come. This is our introduction to the world.
Love does not feel safe to people who form an insecure attachment style.
There are 3 basic types of attachment styles:
Secure- the ones who had their needs met most of the time. These people tend to be well adjusted.
Anxious They were fearful of abandonment. They have separation anxiety. They’re constantly looking for little things that prove that you are going to leave them. So
Avoidant They don’t trust people. So they didn’t attach. They kind of have lost hope in people.
James: how does an attachment style effect relationships?
So there are a lot of ways an attachment style effects a relationship. I will share a few examples.
There is a constant struggle in a relationship with fears of abandonment and fears of enmeshment.
Secure: Let’s say you promised your wife you would cook, and you had a terrible day and get home late. Your wife will be more understanding and say to themselves “Hey honey, I know you said you would cook, but I know you said you were having a bad day so I cooked for us. You can cook another day this week”.
Anxious: If you come home late from work, your wife might sit there thinking. He promised me he was going to be here. I knew he was going to do this. His job is more important than his family. I don’t know why I bother. You’re late again huh? You promised you were going to make dinner.
Avoidant: You come home late from work. She’s sitting there eating. You look at her, oh you cooked? Yes, but I didn’t know if you wanted any so I just cooked for myself. Then they’ll ignore you and act like you don’t exist.
As a baby, our attachment to our caregivers is our introduction to the world. Growing up with those kind of caregivers cause us to from a style. The more deprived we were, the more anxious or avoidant we will be.
By learning about attachment styles, you will begin to be aware of how and why you do certain things and feel a certain way. You can also then understand your partner better and give them what they need (whether they are able to tell you or not).
If you are single, keep watching my videos, I will give plenty of examples in future videos. Knowing about attachment styles will allow you to you will know what you’re getting yourself into when you start to date someone new.