You Just Might Get Her Back

You Just Might Get Her back!

In today’s video I’m going to go in depth into an email about a guy who has a real shot of getting her back. Now, the reason that his girlfriend lost attraction to him was due to his insecure behavior.

Basically he had been dating a girl for a few months. There was one day where he couldn’t get a hold of her. She told him she couldn’t talk because she was with her family.

He says: essentially when I tried to get hold of her one time she said she couldn’t talk as she was with her family.  But I saw her car outside her house when I was nearby so tripped her up a couple of hours later during a phone call asking her how the drive was to her parents.  She said she rode her bike.  Later she called me out on it at a friends gathering and asked if I had seen her car outside her house.  I said yes.  She said “so you tried to trick me then”. 

Craig: He totally got busted. Of all the questions to try and find out if she was really there I think It was kind of weird to ask her how her ride was to her parents. Why not say how was it?

He admitted he tried to trick her and apologized.

I’m glad you owned up to this. Good job. We all make mistakes. Anxiety causes us to do things like this.

She said that was a red flag because she was always honest with me and therefore couldn’t deal with my insecurity. 

She was right and honest. I appreciate that. You are really insecure.

Him: We didn’t speak for three weeks, then I arranged to meet her alone and she confirmed it was over but wanted to be friends.  I said I wasn’t interested in friendship and suggest she call me if she changed her mind.  She said she wouldn’t.  I walked away and didn’t come unglued.  I have seen her lots of times since then in our shared group of friends.  Sometimes she avoids talking to me, other times she is really friendly.

Craig: She’s probably conflicted. Sometimes she’s attracted to you, sometimes she remembers the insecure and needy behavior. If you continue to display strong confident behavior her attraction level will go up. She will then just justify in her mind what you did, minimize it, or her attraction to you will be high enough to ignore the red flags and go for it.

You want passion and her natural attraction to get her to overlook those things. The way that’s going to happen is by giving her time and space. She needs to wonder about you.

I think you have a really solid chance of getting her back. When she puts herself in your orbit, simply arrange a time to hang out. Invite her over or take her to do something fun. No talking about what happened. No talking about feelings or wanting to work things out. Just have fun with her. Something like an activity where you are doing something. Go Karts or Laser Tag. Something where the focus isn’t on talking about the past.

Hey coach,

I was dating a girl for two months and then she ended it owing to an insecurity i had carried over from a previous relationship i.e. trusting another. 

I agree with this, but it’s not the relationship you are thinking. While Im sure your ex did cause some type of trauma to you and trusting others, I would really explore your early childhood. I think you’ve got some anxiety going on. You are hypervigilant on being anxious that she is going to abandon and leave you. That’s why you went past her house.

In my opinion, you probably have had an attachment trauma (which is probably why you have an anxious attachment style). I can completely understand. It seems to me that when you project all your feelings onto her being the object of your love and meeting all your needs you become overwhelmed with anxiety and fearful that you will lose that.

Now, because she may have an avoidant attachment style, she probably is more distant at times. When you pick up on that, it triggers your anxiety and fear that she is going to leave you. Then comes the obsessive thoughts.

It turned out she was actually telling me the truth about something i challenged her on so i totally screwed up. 

Craig: Are you really certain of that? Maybe your gut was telling you something for a reason?

Him: Anyway we met for a chat about it and she said she still wanted to be friends as she likes spending time with me.  I replied saying being just friends wouldn't work for me and to call me if she changes her mind.  She said she would never change her mind. 

A woman will always say that they aren’t going to change their mind in that moment. If they thought they were going to change their mind, they wouldn’t break up with you in the first place.

Craig: Also, remember, that is true for that moment. So what she is essentially saying is. In this moment, there is nothing you can say or do to change my mind.

Some guys make the mistake of trying to change her mind in that moment. You all of a sudden act like a used car salesman desperately trying to push someone into buying someone. Don’t treat yourself like a used car. Act like you’re a Ferreri. Have the internal attitude that if you don’t want me, plenty of other people will.

So i walked away and didn't plead. Great job!

Him: The difficulty with implementing no contact is that we share the same social circle of friends.  We actually met this way in the first place.  I managed to avoid most of the social events i knew she was attending for about two months after the breakup but I started attending again as i was missing out on fun times with my friends.  Over the last two weeks when the ex and I have interacted at these social gatherings she was very flirty; playing with her hair, making physical contact such as nudges, throwing me flirty looks across the room, and teasing me. 

Craig: All excellent signs!

Him: After one of those occasions I asked her out on a date again but she turned me down saying it would not be a good idea as she is still attracted to me and couldn't trust herself. 

Craig: That means she is still attracted to you, but she isn’t sure she can trust you to have emotional self-control. Remember, women need to feel safe with a man. They can’t feel safe with someone who loses emotional self-control. I would say if you work on your anxiety, and follow my instructions, she will likely come back in time.

Him: She didn't want to get involved again as she doesn't think it'd work out long term.  I said can you not just go with the flow and see how it goes? but she replied saying she is really stubborn and would not change her position on that.  I said ok, if you change your mind let me know. 

Craig: Great job. You always want to act indifferent. You’re awesome if you have her, you’re just as awesome if you don’t.

 Him: A week later we were out again and she was dressed very sexily (almost like it was for me as by now she knew i fancied her still) and again was very flirty; smiling at me a lot, winking, mimicking my movements, playing with her hair and teasing again.  She also sent me a text saying "stop thinking about my ass". 

Craig: Dude this was it! You have to seize this opportunity! You are killing me. Say something playful! Flirt back with her.

Him: So the next day i asked her out again, and again she turned me down.  You waited too long! She puts herself in your orbit and said stop thinking about my ass. That means, I like that you’re thinking about my ass.

Craig: I want to shake you right now. It’s okay, I get it. Next time, jump on it… Literally

Him: She said there is obviously physical attraction there but she still didn't think it would work out.  Now she said she is going to avoid me until she can keep a lid on her attraction for me and not give off the signs.

 Craig: Yeah, in this moment that’s how you feel. Just be cool and relaxed around her. Let her come over to you in social settings. Be friendly, but not TOO friendly. A little mysterious and aloof. You want her to wonder if you still like her. This is critical!!!

 So three questions:

1-     Should i just let her go and see if she contacts me? 

Absolutely. She is attracted to you, and you are going to see her around your friends. When she puts herself in your orbit, it means she’s interested. Until then, be friendly, but let her come

2-     Regarding my group of friends, if i know she is going to be attending more gatherings in the future (I'm not attending the next two she is at), should i avoid them?  the problem is that if i don't go, my social life takes a dive and i miss out and i really value these friends.  But I also understand if she sees me at these occasions, she might not miss me? It a dilemma!

 Go out with your friends as you normally would have planned (regardless if she was going to attend or not). During the next 2 events, if you are in the group text. Simply reply “thanks for the invite but I have plans”. The curiosity of what or who you are doing will make her anxious and want you more.

 3 - We are all in group chat on WhatsApp.  Should i avoid replying to the group messages from now and go quiet so she can start missing me?

Craig: During the next 2 events, if you are in the group text. Simply reply “thanks for the invite but I have plans”. Be a little mysterious in the group chat, but not completely gone. The curiosity of what or who you are doing will make her anxious and want you more.

I think it would be even more powerful than not replying to your friends.

I think you have a really solid chance of hooking back up with this girl. Just be cool and confident and let her come to you.

 Now, more importantly than her is you. I think you have some anxiety going on. That is going to hurt all of your relationships.

 I highly suggest you watch all of my videos with attachment style (anxious/ avoidant) in the title.