What to do after a no contact period ends and your ex still doesn't want to talk to you.
Coach Margaret: 00:39 So what do you mean? No? Like if you've had gotten no context for like 30 days and then you decide you want to contact your partner and they don't respond.
Craig Kenneth: 00:49 Exactly. That's to be sure I had it right. That's right. That's where we're going to be talking about and a lot of the people that have been watching our channel for a while know that my approach on a breakup is that if somebody breaks up with you, you simply walk away and you say, okay, it's not what I want. I do love you. I care about you, but if you don't want to work it out, I understand. And then you move forward with your life and you leave them alone,
Coach Margaret: 01:20 giving them the overall message that I shared, but I will be just fine. That's right. And able to function. That's right. Now. Sounds good to me.
Craig Kenneth: 01:30 A lot of people out there give conflicting advice and sometimes it's really confusing. So we're going to talk about that and if you know what I talk about when they'll contact you may sit there and watch this video and think, oh I know this already, but I know there's a lot of newcomers and new people find our channel every single day and they get really worried about the no contact period because some people will tell you that you should not contact your ex for 30 days. Right? Okay. I don't know where this magical 30 day number came from. No, but um, it would have been a lot more helpful if they said 30 years. Don't contact them for 30 years. And if they don't contact you back then do you have it up? So a lot of people say 30 days. You should ignore your ex or contact them. Reach out after the end of 30 days. Some people are so all over the place. You can't even figure out what the heck they're talking about.
Coach Margaret: 02:25 People get scared that they're going to forget them if you suggest that they go through a period of no contact. Absolutely. Yeah,
Craig Kenneth: 02:33 and we talked about this in a major video recently. Yes. Your ex does not forget you. You simply do not forget somebody that you loved and you were attached.
Coach Margaret: 02:45 Yes. And that you were intimate with and spent time with.
Craig Kenneth: 02:48 It just doesn't work that way. Okay. I made in the other video, I, when I talked about this, I couldn't remember, have a voice of an x from 15, 20 years ago. No. Yeah. I could imagine their personality, what they would say to me and how they would say it and it would take very little effort and even if I haven't talked to them in years, your ex is going to be the same way. They don't forget you. It just doesn't work like that.
Coach Margaret: 03:17 Become a pleasant memory
Craig Kenneth: 03:19 if, if things don't work out. Right. So. Okay, so we're going to talk about this. No contact period. I do not believe in a 30 day, no contact. I don't think you do. We? No, I don't because our thoughts are it's not gonna magically change in 30 days. What you need to do is wait for that person to come back around again because they will, even if they're stubborn, isn't that right?
Coach Margaret: 03:48 Even as we said in the essay on stubbornness, yes. If they have asked you for the ultimate space, in other words said, I want to break up with you, at least for now, and then you need to respect what they asked you for. Absolutely. So the the rule is if someone asked for space, short space or a long space, you granted,
Craig Kenneth: 04:10 so let's get to this quick email. This was somebody that said, hey coach Craig, I am brand new to your channel and I'm still a little confused. A lot of breakup experts out there give conflicting and ambiguous advice. You reach out and they don't give you a response. What do you do in that situation? Okay, well let's say for some reason you add followed somebody else and you broke no contact and now you're confused. You're like, oh my gosh, I broke it. I reached out. They didn't.
Coach Margaret: 04:44 What do I do now?
Craig Kenneth: 04:46 That's very common and it's not the end of the world. Just because somebody does not reply to you when you reached out, doesn't mean they're not thinking about you. Doesn't mean they're not thinking about the relationship or ever considering getting back with you.
Coach Margaret: 05:04 Yeah, and it doesn't mean they'll never respond because they didn't in a week or two weeks or even a month.
Craig Kenneth: 05:09 That's right. Sometimes people are going through the process of the breakup and they are all over the place themselves. Maybe they thought you were never going to change. Maybe they thought they wanted to date. Somebody knew they were attracted to somebody new and they're giving that relationship a shot. Um, it could be
Coach Margaret: 05:30 kinds of reasons and it can take people different periods to mourn and grieve and get over a relationship depending on how many losses they've had.
Craig Kenneth: 05:39 And sometimes they feel one way and then a few months later they start to think, you know, we had our problems, but at the end of the day, I know she really loved me,
Coach Margaret: 05:50 didn't make great chocolate chip cookies
Craig Kenneth: 05:52 or he really was there for me and maybe I did walk away from this too soon. And a lot of times Margaret, right? They think that they are done with you, that you can have an exit, feels like, yeah, I really am done, I can't do this anymore. And then they start to miss you or they get some rest or any number of other things. So just because an ex doesn't reply to you doesn't mean it's over for good. And you know, you obviously do not want to badger anybody. You don't want to continue to reach out to them when they know you've messaged them. Yes. Okay. They know you've contacted them or emailed them or whatever. Let them be yes. And if they've chosen not to reply right now, you have to give them the space. We all are wired differently and we all have formed different attachments to our caregivers.
Craig Kenneth: 06:54 And we use those attachments in our romantic relationships and so your partner may have a completely different attachment style than you do and so they see things the opposite of how you see those or very different than how you see them and you forcing them to try and see the way you want it to is not going to make them change their mind. You know, we can't make anybody change their mind, excuse me, we can't do it. So I don't recommend breaking. No contact in a situation where your ex has broken up with you and they said they want to move on. I think you should just leave them alone and respect that. And you know, some of you guys are in contact with an x and there is some conversation going on. That's a completely different story. Okay. If you're in contact with them, then you're not going to just completely ignore this person.
Craig Kenneth: 07:59 You're going to handle it a completely different way. Right? So you definitely don't want to ignore anybody if they reach out to you. And I had. I had a guy today that I was really frustrated for and he was frustrated too because we had gotten him so close to getting his ex back and he made a complete mess and everything. I mean, they were. They at the last time we talked was a few months ago they had made out things were going good and then he got upset and frustrated because things weren't going as fast as he wanted them to, so we started pushing. He did manipulative behaviors. He tried to act like there was all kinds of women in the picture and and started putting pressure on it. It completely blew up in his face. Said No. So yeah, completely blew up in his face. Now she's like, I don't know if I want this.
Craig Kenneth: 08:58 I don't want to know. I don't know if I want to be with somebody that's got all these women in the background and that I can't feel safe with. I don't like the way I'm feeling anymore on and on and on because he just went against everything that I suggested. Kind of lost it. He did his anxiety, got the best of him, and and that's what we're telling you guys is if your anxiety is high and you're really stressed out, that your ex isn't gonna reply to you. Don't keep badgering them, chill out. If you can't you. That's why we say talk to us about it. Let us talk to you about your situation. You're going to feel so much better. Right? And that's one of the things that you always encouraged me to do.
Coach Margaret: 09:39 Yes. Always talk, talk, talk. If you hold things in, it only eats you up inside. Get it out. And if you can get it out to somebody who even remotely understands what you're saying, like your cat, it will still help.
Craig Kenneth: 09:53 Yeah. Because if you don't, you're just going to make a slew of mistakes and have things blow up in your face like this poor guy. I know. I was so frustrated for him because we were so close and last year I taught he was on the verge of the success story and he, he was a no contact this girl for, I don't know, several months I believe, and it just looks so good. So they did the hard part and then launched it at the end. He just did all kinds of behaviors that I would have never recommended. He knew it. He owned it. He said this was because I said I feel bad that this is going on. And then we were so close and he's like, it wasn't way it was me. And he knew. He knew for him. He owned it. I respect that. Yeah, exactly. I did too, but I feel bad for him because I want you guys to get your ex back if that's what you want. We want you to know we're trying to help you. We are genuinely trying to do that and you know, we're frustrated too when you can't get what you want. We really
Coach Margaret: 10:51 things you just can't hurry no matter how anxious you get. Yeah,
Craig Kenneth: 10:57 absolutely. So if you did some kind of no contact period and you reached out, maybe you followed somebody that said 30 days, ignore them and now you've reached out and now they're not talking to you or they're angry at you about about how you handled it, whatever the case may be, you just need to let it sit and wait for them to reach out to you
Coach Margaret: 11:20 and that can be so hard.
Craig Kenneth: 11:22 Absolutely. But just because somebody doesn't want to talk to you today, it doesn't mean they won't want to talk to you next week or next month, but if you continue to push, it's going to continue to make them feel frustrated, annoyed, irritated by your behavior, and so you got to really have that emotional self control not to keep badgering somebody.
Coach Margaret: 11:47 And we live in a world of instant this instant, that glasses in about an hour and a same day. Service and sometimes waiting is necessary and constructive.
Craig Kenneth: 11:58 Absolutely. Your ex isn't gonna. Forget about. You know, they're truly not. If you've been with somebody for three years or five years, they don't forget you. They remember you when your favorite show comes on or when they drive by a car that looks like yours or when a movie that they know you would like to, how they think about youtube
Coach Margaret: 12:18 if they cook your favorite dinner.
Craig Kenneth: 12:20 Yeah, absolutely true. They go to a restaurant that you used to eat at. They think about all those things. So your ex isn't gonna be as likely to forget you as you really believe. So don't panic, at least not like. No. Absolutely not. So okay. I think I really helped everybody understand this because I don't want people to be confused like, okay, if your ex doesn't respond to you after some kind of no contact period, simply wait for them to do that. That's exactly right. That's what we mean. And that's what we share is as scary as it may be. You want to be patient there, unless, like I said, you guys are in some kind of communication, in which case that's a much more delicate situation in simply being patient and cause for assistance if you need it.