How to Recognize an Avoidant Person

Today we're going to be talking about how to recognize an avoidant person, you know, Margaret one year first coming to the channel, obviously so many people are just overwhelmed by the breakup and just this horrible feeling of being dumped. But as you learn more and more from us, what we teach about attachment and love and relationships, we start to explain attachment styles and attachment theory. And many of you are just shocked to hear, Oh my gosh, this is exactly how my partner is. Or this is describing me to a T and learning about the dynamic between, you know, secure people or anxious and avoidance, you know, disorganized. It can be overwhelming. It could be confusing. It's scary. I mean, and it's kinda like, what do I do with all this?

Margaret (01:33):

And it's always better if you even have a name for it. That's the beginning of control.

Craig (01:38):

Yeah. But, but it's certainly enlightening and it really is just like incredible how many aha moments you'll have just by hearing about this stuff. And so if you find yourself in a situation where you're dating an avoidant, it can be really difficult. It could be really confusing because they're going to trigger you a lot. A lot of times their behavior is going to set you off and you're going to feel so anxious and overwhelmed. You don't know how to handle them.

Margaret (02:08):

And often you're going to feel hurt when in fact your partner had no idea that what they did to pull away from you was hurtful. I want to do a little bit of an introduction. Yeah. Avoidant people have a profound fear of depending on others. And she had as a weakness.

Craig (02:28):

And that's partially because they've been led to believe that it's a weakness. Yes. And, and also there's you know, just this sense of, if I count on somebody else, they're just gonna let me down. So they're afraid to have somebody just disappoint them.

Margaret (02:48):

They're afraid to be vulnerable. Yeah. Now I looked at any number of sources on avoidant people because I'm trying to wrap my own mind around it clearly. And there's pretty general agreement from Dr. Bowlby himself. And some people we're going to quote today that what happens to the avoidant child is a very sad thing. When we're little, we cannot take care of ourselves and we cannot regulate our own emotions. If you're going to grow up to be an avoidant person what happened to you was that when you were little and when you needed comfort or direction or structure or whatever you needed, your parent got annoyed with you. Okay. And didn't have time or invalidated your feeling. The famous one is people saying to little boys, little boys don't cry. Well, if they're young and they stubbed their toe, or they have a fight with the other kid, there are many reasons why little boys should cry, or if there's a death in the family. And I vividly remember a case. We talked about where the boy was told by his grandmother that she had lost her daughter and he'd only lost his mother so he could just shut up. How awful. Right. So you quickly learn that if you go to someone, another person for help and support, you're not going to get it. And if you keep asking and being disappointed every time, that's kind of exhausting too. So eventually you give up and say, I don't want to need anybody. It doesn't work for me. All right. Yup. And think how that must feel for a little kid. It's hard for us as adults. Yeah. so that's the kind of the bottom line avoidants are wired for attachment like we all are, but fear losing autonomy, independence, or even their identity, which they've struggled very hard to get but you can be close without being fused, which we see in healthy relationships. So it can happen. And the other standard behavior that does it to people is being left in a crib too long. You can't get out of the crib yourself. You can't change yourself. You can't feed yourself. So if you're left in that helpless position too many times, you're not going to trust anybody ever. At least not without a lot of work, but it can be done. That's important to state. It can be done. What would make you feel better is if you manage to get close to somebody and it doesn't feel like they want to control you or own you or tell you who you should be. Okay. Then, and only then when you've experienced that, are you going to even believe that it's possible because life has not taught you that. Okay. So let me give you some common behaviors that, that people show. One of the other important things to remember is that oftentimes avoidants have no idea that they're being hurtful or that they're doing anything wrong. So it's extremely important that you make your needs clear from the beginning. Okay. Some common strategies that they use to keep you from getting too close. Here is a famous one. I'm not ready to commit, but I have been in your life for two years now. There's a mixed message. Okay. At what they should really say is I'm afraid to commit, but I like being in your life. Avoidant people will focus on small imperfections in their partner and we all have them: the way she talks, dresses, eats you know, something about what the person does commonly is annoying me and it's getting in the way of my romantic feelings. Yeah.

Craig (06:56):

Right. And, and they use that as an excuse. And sometimes they'll even say things that you can't control. You know, if you were just a little bit taller, I would totally marry you. Okay. Like, I can do anything about that. Yeah. Craig, if you were only Spanish, you'd be the man of my dreams. I can't go back and redo it. No comprende.

Margaret (07:19):

One of the things they will often do, and I've heard this from people, is they will think about an ex girlfriend or boyfriend as the most perfect person. Now, chances are, they had a relationship with that person that worked out for awhile until they push the person away. So lots of times avoidance have an perfect ex partner that you'll never measure up to.

Craig (07:46):

That's right. Meanwhile, when they were with that person, they were probably complaining about them all the time.

Margaret (07:51):

Okay. And that, that person is called the Phantom ex. Alright.

Craig (07:55):

That's like a way that they can triangulate the relationship and control you. And that will keep you anxious all the time.

Margaret (08:05):

That's right. Yup. If that exercise, there were just a little bit less perfect. Maybe I could look at you.

Craig (08:13):

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Margaret (08:14):

Flirting with other people is a really hurtful way to introduce insecurity into a relationship. If you go out to a restaurant and your boyfriend or your girlfriend is flirting with the waitress or waiter that's a way to introduce anxiety just as you say. Yup.

Craig (08:32):

And then they can control you better. That's right. When you're anxious and you're emotional, people can control you better. That's what they do on purpose

Margaret (08:41):

Unaware usually. Not saying "I love you" while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person. Right. You hear stories about people who've been together forever, clearly love each other, and nobody has ever said, Oh yeah, I've heard some stories like that. Pulling away when things are going well, that's the one I hear on an almost daily basis. I don't understand why he, or she broke up with me when things were going so well. And the answer is: they couldn't do it. Yeah, exactly. The answer is when it started to work and it started to get close, the avoidant partner,upulled away. Alright. And then I get this very unhappy person saying, I don't understand. Why would they break up when things were going? Well, it was too close. What? That doesn't make any sense. And it doesn't make any sense because obviously the partner wouldn't be your partner if they didn't want a relationship. But when it gets to a certain degree of closeness, they don't know what to do. It feels uncomfortable. And it feels, well, it feels too much like setting themselves up to be disappointed again, you know, like when they got left in the crib. Ubut I think that's the most confusing one to the person that they break up with. Yeah. Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married that often happens. We don't hear so much about that one, but it does happen. Checking out mentally when your partner is talking to you. I talked to a very open and pleasant gentleman the other day, who basically said he did that. And he didn't mean to do that. And he only now has realized that that's what he did because when she said to him, you don't listen to me. He had to really think about that to know what that meant? And he would check out.

Craig (10:39):

Yeah. And a lot of times people will distract themselves, put on the TV.

Margaret (10:43):

Oh yes, absolutely. Yup. Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain your feeling of independence. I've come across two people very recently who said that they never knew how much money their partner made. How do you plan a household budget that way? You know? Seems odd. But apparently it's not as unusual as I thought it might've been. Wow. Yeah. That is interesting. Yeah. Avoiding physical closeness, not wanting to share the same room, the same bed, not wanting to have sex. And this one, I never thought of walking several strides ahead of your partner. Oh wow. I never thought of that. Did you know? But it is a distancing way. It's literally physically to pull back. We talked about the Phantom ex and nobody you meet now will ever measure up to that Phantom ex. And it reminded me of a story that we had dealt with at one point where a woman broke up with a man because she decided she was still in love with her husband who had passed away. And it did not occur to me at the time that this was an avoidant maneuver. Which of course it was, he wasn't even here. And she was more attached to him than she was to the boyfriend.

Craig (11:59):

I feel like you told me about that one.

Margaret (12:02):

Okay. Many avoidant people also talk about "the one". Okay. We hear a lot about the one avoidant people often believe that the one perfect person for them is out there somewhere.

Craig (12:18):

Or sometimes they'll say things like it shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be, it shouldn't be this hard. Relationships should be easy. Meanwhile, they're not doing anything to make any effort.

Margaret (12:30):

Once you find that special person, you will effortless, effortlessly connect on a totally different level. How do you avoid hooking up with an avoidant person, be aware of the distancing maneuvers that we just listed.

Craig (12:48):

It's really important that you pay close attention to how people are in the very beginning,

Margaret (12:53):

Really important.

Craig (12:55):

Because you'll get attached and then you'll already find yourself attached to somebody and then you're just thinking about them all the time, wondering about them all the time, when they're doing off, you know, they're off doing their own thing.

Margaret (13:10):

And lots of people say to us, I'm sure to you too, Craig. I ignored the red flags in the beginning. Of course, you know, you're excited. You're interested in this person and it's very easy to ignore the red flags. Don't do it. You'll pay. Okay. Be careful of the benefit of the doubt. If something bothers you, you deal with it. Yeah.

Craig (13:33):

That's why it's very important that you focus on understanding how to choose a good partner. That's right. And I believe that's the first video in the first workbook, choosing a good partner. So you guys learn from the beginning, what is healthy? What's unhealthy? Because if your partner is not healthy, there's going to be a breakup. Absolutely. It ain't going to last.

Margaret (13:57):

Absolutely. and one of the things that I'm going to talk about more in a few minutes is that you need to make your needs known from day one. Okay. And oftentimes avoidant partners get very confused. If you start asking them for anything, I need more emotional support from you. They look at you kind of confused, like what? Okay. And so sometimes you have to explain what you need mean by that. You know, we're here to be a secure base for each other. I try to be there for you. I hope you try to be there for me. And sometimes we're going to have to try and read each other's emotions and that takes some work to learn.

Craig (14:39):

I feel like what happens is the anxious people are afraid to confront them because they're going to abandon them. Right. So they keep it to themselves. But then that just makes the avoidant feel like they can get away with whatever they want, invest very little and then they just get less and less invested in the relationship. That's right. And you're just as invested because you're, if not more, because now you're trying to be patient and calm and you're hoping that they'll change. That's right. That's right. So there are some tips on recognizing avoidant people. It's really important that you start to recognize these kinds of things. And especially if you're single and you're looking to date somebody new or date new people and you want to find healthier people because a lot of times, you know, the avoidants will leave you feeling like you're not cared about, like, you're not important, but you're not worthy.

Craig (15:46):

Right. And then a lot of times they feel, make you feel like it's all your fault. They often do because they honestly don't know in the beginning that it isn't. Yeah. Okay. So we're going to do some more videos on avoidants, but hopefully this one was good to help you understand some of the things you need to be aware of some of the behavior patterns you'll see and maybe help identify, "Oh my gosh, the person that I'm dating with, or I just broke up with was an avoidant"