I Told Them I Was Done, But I Didn't Mean It

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about, I told them I was done, but I didn't mean it. Huh? Okay. Margaret, you know, a lot of times when we're upset, we're emotional, something's bothering us and we say, I'm done. I'm done. I remember I started hearing that from some clients locally years ago. Right. I remember some of the women would be like, I'm done. I'm so done. I'm so done with him. I can't take it. I remember who it was specifically. And then two weeks later they'd be back together. Right, exactly. Right. And so, you know, that might be you, you might be sitting there thinking, Oh boy, this was me. I kept saying to them, I was done in the relationship. And, but I didn't mean it. And you don't mean it sometimes. You mean it at the time, but then afterwards you're like, I didn't really mean that you gotta watch what you say when you're upset in a relationship in any circumstances.

Craig (01:41):

Because if you say it, you have to own it. Yep. You can say, I said it impulsively. I didn't mean it, but you have to own that. You said eventually it gets old. And the person's like, you know what, I'm tired of you threatening this relationship. Cause it physically hurts them. When it causes emotional hurt, it causes physical pain as well. And so if they keep hearing it over and over again, it makes them just feel like, you know what, I'm going to disconnect from this and I'm tired. I'm done. So ironically, when you keep saying you're done to somebody, eventually they're going to be done with you. Right. Right. Got to be careful what you're saying. So we got an email coaching. That's going to go into this today. Okay. so this is from a woman in her early thirties and she was dating a guy in his mid twenties. So they were together for over four years. Wow. Long time she said they both live in separate houses and don't have any kids. She, he, she works in retail and he works at a store. They broke up about a month ago after a stupid argument regarding COVID. Now I've seen quite a few breakups over COVID now that the months have been going on. Right. And boy, Margaret it's getting, I think pretty rough for people that they don't have their outlets there.

Margaret (03:06):

Absolutely. Absolutely. People are depressed and mental health experts are saying that, you know, the clinics are going to feel it. And there's never been such a demand for online therapy. I get two messages a day of do I want a job?

Craig (03:20):

It's been really tough. You know, I kind of anticipated this was going to be going on six months. So even for me, I'm kind of like, all right, it's gotten past where it's going, but I know it's going to be a while still,

Margaret (03:34):

But it's on the uptick today and yesterday.

Craig (03:38):

Yup. But I think it's going to be some time before we have a vaccine realistically. And so it's going to impact a lot of people. You have friends and loved ones that are at risk. They have health issues that you're really worried about them. 

Margaret (03:54):

People with children have had a terrible time

Craig (03:59):

Homeschooling, If you're sending your kid to school or not you know, people are losing their job. There's a lot of stress. People are on top of each other in a little apartments or homes. You can't go out and see friends and family. I think a lot of people are depressed

Margaret (04:14):

And you can't go to the bar with your friends. Yep.

Craig (04:17):

Yeah. I think a lot of people are depressed and I think, I think a lot of trauma is coming up.

Margaret (04:22):

Absolutely. Yes. Of course. A lot of trauma is coming up not to mention the financial disaster of people facing evictions and so forth.

Craig (04:30):

Yeah. So people are on edge already and it's such a delicate balance of knowing that you still have to give your partner some space, even if you're in a small confined area. Right. Yeah. And giving them space to, you know, maybe listen to music or play video games or watch a movie

Margaret (04:51):

When you go play with your toys in the kitchen and I'll go in the living room,

Craig (04:55):

You got to do it. All right. So they had an argument about COVID. She said, I got mad at him for trying to argue about the topic. And I told him he was making me angry. What do you think about that statement?

Margaret (05:09):

I wanted to know if he said it was a hoax. Well that he didn't want to wear a mask or, but anyway, she got angry, whatever he said, I know

Craig (05:18):

A lot of people that I've done Skype calls with that have had COVID. But I always ask them about their area and how things have been for them. I do too. And so no, I've had a lot of people and I've had a lot of people that have seen people die in healthcare and stuff like this. And one of my best friends is a surgeon and he talks about how horrible it is. Yeah.

Margaret (05:47):

Oh, I've, I've talked with several people who've lost a loved one.

Craig (05:50):

Yes. Oh, I have too. Absolutely. Lost grandparents and family members. In fact, I remember somebody lost one of their best friends and she was only in her early thirties. Yeah. Yeah. So it's been rough. It's been stressful. She goes on to say, he then accused me of trying to start a fight. And I told him I'm done that we were breaking up and I didn't mean it. And I said this a lot throughout the relationship when I would get mad, but he got tired of hearing it and said that now he was done and meant it just, like I said, at the onset.

Margaret (06:32):

It wouldn't be something somebody could live with. We all have separation anxiety. And anytime anybody says that, you know, it kicks it off. Yeah,

Craig (06:40):

Yeah. Yeah. Cause they get tired of the threat

Margaret (06:43):

It is a threat. The guy was right with that. Yeah.

Craig (06:46):

Yeah. It is a threat. And so eventually somebody is just going to say, you know what you keep saying, you're done, I'm done

Margaret (06:52):

And the messages we can't resolve it, so we'll have to end it. Okay.

Craig (06:56):

Okay. let's go on. He then retracted and said maybe he was making arrest rash decision. But the following three days after him being silent, he came over to tell me, he decided to go through with the breakup. I pleaded and begged. And of course it didn't work. I tried texting him a few days after the breakup was final and got no response. So I went to his house, Oh dear. You know, this isn't going to go. Well, he was annoyed, but calm and told me he just couldn't do it anymore. So I calmly left and only returned to sit his belongings quietly on his porch. Since that day I had no contact with him. And it's now been 30 days. I know I was wrong for always threatening him and even deserve a taste of my own medicine. But I love him and want him back. Other than the petty arguments we would get into sometimes, we really did have a great relationship. We trusted each other. We're loyal and we're best friends.

Margaret (08:04):

The petty arguments though, oftentimes have some more heavy issue behind them. And so often people will say, I was, so what did you fight about? I don't even remember. It was stupid stuff. But when you do find out what it was about, it usually has some meaning

Craig (08:21):

Underlying issue. Yeah. A lot of times

Margaret (08:23):

The most recent one I heard was he wants me to go visit his parents four times a week. That's not stupid stuff. That's a, that's a serious issue.

Craig (08:33):

I feel like he does have some trauma issues because he was adopted at a young age by his great grandparents. And he was little, he was under the age of two.

Margaret (08:47):

Probably too young to have a tool to have a two year old. I wouldn't want to chase one. Oh, they're exhausting. Yes. You know.

Craig (08:57):

Both of his parents were neglectful and chose substance abuse over him. And he was born with fetal alcohol syndrome

Margaret (09:05):

Probably was born with a difficulty.

Craig (09:08):

His mother was worse than his father. And even told him she hates him and wishes. She had aborted him.

Margaret (09:16):

I have seen it and I've heard it. And the message is you're not even welcome in this world. Okay. I didn't even like you before you were born. I'm so sorry anybody said that to anybody. That's awful. Isn't it? It is.

Craig (09:36):

He even told me during my pleading and begging that no one should love him this much. So when she was begging and pleading, he was like, nobody should even care about me this much

Margaret (09:47):

Because I don't know what to do with it. My own mother didn't love me. Oh my God.

Craig (09:52):

Yeah. During my relationship with him, he was very clingy with me, which I didn't mind. I actually liked it. I loved that we were together so much. And when we were apart, we would always, we would be texting the majority of the time. The only major problem we had was our petty arguments and my response of threatening him. But if you think about it, Margaret he's already been abandoned by his mother.

Margaret (10:16):

So the worst thing you could possibly do to this man is threatened to abandon him. Like the last woman he loved, the most important woman in his life. Good heavens. And I wonder why she did that. I hope she's thought about it.

Craig (10:32):

Let's see what she says. There's a little bit left. Yeah. I heard from my sister a few days ago, she said that he missed me, but just can't do it, which is devastating to me. My question is where do I go from here? I'm afraid that because of his trauma with his parents, he won't reach out. He hasn't even attempted yet. Well, it's only been 30 days.

Margaret (10:55):

Yeah. And that feels like an eternity, but in the big scheme of things. Yeah. It's not that long. Yeah.

Craig (11:01):

He's got to sit with it and, and think about it and process everything. You both were upset when this breakup happened, but for him, I think this is a really sensitive area that he's been with the abandonment. So at this point, you know, I would let him process it and think about it because he's, he sounds exhausted when he says, I just can't do it. That sounds like he's exhausted. Right? And so he needs some time to probably process and think about it and maybe even get some of that energy back before he starts to really miss her.

Margaret (11:44):

I'm glad that he shared it all with her. I mean, that's a good sign and that's a good sign for the relationship. He sounds avoidant to me with no one should love me this much. I

Craig (11:58):

Was thinking disorganized.

Margaret (12:00):

It certainly could be because

Craig (12:03):

Yeah, the adoption and the clingingness that she said he would reach out all the time

Margaret (12:08):

And then it probably got too close for him. What does he know about being close to the people that love you? Nothing. Okay.

Craig (12:14):

My gut is that she's anxious got an anxious attachment style because she liked all of that closeness and that didn't feel too smothering for her. And he was probably disorganized because of the abandonment. And so,

Margaret (12:29):

And so he could easily go from clingy to frightened to death of being close. Yeah.

Craig (12:36):

So I think you got to give him some time to think about this. You know, he has a lot of anxiety, I think. So he's going to struggle with that and struggle with soothing himself. Yes, she is. So but he needs to, he needs to kind of sit with this and kind of reflect,

Margaret (13:01):

But I hear that she is out of her mind in her anxiety and so afraid he won't reach out.

Craig (13:08):

Yeah. you know, everybody's afraid that they won't, their ex won't reach out, but you know, it's only been 30 days and now while it feels like an eternity while you're going through it, when you're sitting on our side of things, you realize that's just not that long.

Margaret (13:22):

No, but it feels like an eternity, right?

Craig (13:24):

Every second feels like an eternity.

Margaret (13:28):

I would suggest to her that she spends some time thinking about her anxiety and how it got in her way here.

Craig (13:36):

I agree. Because she seems to have lost emotional self-control and would just keep doing it. And that eventually made him feel so unsafe in this relationship that he's like, I can't do this. I'm tired of you threatening to leave me

Margaret (13:53):

Probably angry. And he put it, he got it right. Tired of you threatening to leave me. And you know, she may have her own abandonment stuff, which would account for her enjoying his cleanness and probably feeling safe when he was clingy.

Craig (14:10):

So you gotta work on that and getting more secure and really learning the skills to manage yourself and to manage the relationship if you get back together. Cause I think if he comes back around again and you go back to those unhealthy ways, it's just gonna lead to another breakup. Right. So I think she's going to have to really work hard because since he's been adopted, he probably has a lot of his own issues. And so it's going to be even more challenging to navigate a relationship with him.

Margaret (14:41):

Exactly. Right. However, like I say, he did share the story. She does remember the story clearly, but she didn't think about the implications saying, you know, yeah, I'm done and I'm leaving you.

Craig (14:55):

Yes. And that, you know is often happens when we get an emotional state with our partner and are frustrated. We're disappointed.

Margaret (15:06):

And I'm sure everything in her says, well, I can call him up and explain that to him now. No. Give him time. I'm just speculating on what will go on in her head. I need to call him up and tell him I'm really sorry. And I didn't put it all together. Yeah.

Craig (15:20):

Because there did seem to be a lot of good in this relationship

Margaret (15:23):

Really did. And just the amount that he told her is encouraging.

Craig (15:27):

Okay. But he needs to see that on his own right now. Yeah. Okay. So that's what I'd do for now and see how it goes when he reaches out and then you can navigate, but you really got to implement those skills when he comes back around again.

Margaret (15:41):

And also his sister called for a reason.

Craig (15:44):

She said, I heard from the sister, so we were assuming that maybe this is the reached out. Right. But we'll see, give it some time.