Craig (00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about my ex got serious with someone else right away. Talk about awful Margaret.
Margaret (00:50):
I just knew I wasn't good enough
Craig (00:54):
If being broken up with isn't the worst thing to have them leave you for somebody else or date somebody new right afterwards. That just is like a thousand times worse.
Margaret (01:05):
Aside. Yes. Okay. You're left with no self-esteem yeah. It's not only on the floor. It's in the basement,
Craig (01:11):
Especially if they said I don't want to be in a relationship right now. And then three weeks later, they're in a relationship or three days later. Exactly. It's brutal. It's brutal. And you know, I have to say, I just want to say this upfront, when you're going through it, it feels like that next person is going to replace you and they're going to get serious and they're going to be together forever.
Margaret (01:37):
And they're going off into the sunset together any day now.
Craig (01:41):
Yeah. And I've been through that Margaret and you helped me see many, many years ago that it wasn't the case, even though I was absolutely convinced that it would be
Margaret (01:50):
Well I'm most people are, Oh, I know. She's she hooked up with this guy really fast. And this is it. Probably not
Craig (01:56):
The reason that it looks like that is because in the beginning it's so exciting and new, and the other people are fantasizing about how wonderful this new person is going to be. New people are always wonderful. Yes. And then, you know, several months later it usually falls apart. But that in that time it feels like it's never going to turn around there. That's it. We're done. We're over. And they're just getting more and more attached to me. They're not going to care about me. Their bond for me is gone. Talk about that. Margaret, the bond for me is gone. They're no longer attached to me. Is that possible?
Margaret (02:35):
No, it's really not. If you date someone with, for any length of time, you spend time with them, you live with them, you cook with them, you have sex with them. You don't forget that person in five minutes. It's just not human to be able to do it. Yeah. It's the very rare person who is so attachment damaged that they could do that and say, Oh, well I'll just get another one. No, doesn't happen. Even though it feels like it should. And there's always that ubiquitous third party who wants to tell you how great you're ex looks at the bar with the new guy, she looks really happy. She looks great physically. Yeah. Yeah. What she is possibly is relieved that she has finally broken up with you. Cause she felt like she had to
Craig (03:24):
Many times it doesn't last too long. It doesn't sometimes it does sometimes, but I would say probably 3%. Oh yeah. I wouldn't give it much.
Margaret (03:36):
No, no, but it's what it feels like. I think to the person who's been abandoned to centrally, so,
Craig (03:42):
Oh, I had a short Instagram message today and I got an email coaching too, that we're going to get to.
Margaret (03:48):
Can I add one more thing? The other thing is you always think that the person never loved you. If she could do this to me, if we could be together for a year and now, you know, in less than three weeks, she's with this other guy, it means she never loved me. No, it doesn't. People have to go cold in order to break up when they feel they have to. Yeah. So it doesn't mean that people are startled when I say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. I'm sorry.
Craig (04:18):
That's okay. I asked people to today, before we started filming, if they would share any kind of success story they had in the DM to me and I pulled this one out, they said, hi, Craig I'm not trying to weasel my way out of paying for coaching. I just want to thank you for helping me go through the breakup and giving me hope. I was always doing the work, but now I'm working even harder. I couldn't sleep for days until a friend of mine recommended your channel. The videos calmed me down and made me go pursue what I can control. Thank you for for being true to the people and not a scam artist. We need more people like you and Margaret. Thank you for you guys. All recommending us to friends and family. Yes. We always appreciate that you guys are willing to share us. And when your friends are struggling with their relationship, that you've put us, put them on our channel. We always appreciate that. So thank you.
Margaret (05:35):
You mean you're decent and have ethics. Wow. Imagine, it's nice to find people are decent and have it. Yeah.
Craig (05:43):
Yes. What many of you guys don't work with is Margaret and I worked with low-income families for almost our entire career. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And I did this because I was passionate about it. Right. And because I knew I could be successful at it and could change breakups and the understanding of breakups. Right. And right. And, and I always had to play, honestly, I always had the plan of bringing Margaret on board and that was always a part of what I was going to do when I started the channel. She wasn't on board for a couple of years, right? Probably about two years. Yeah. And now the new coach has been training with us since last July. But what you don't know is she helped me do volumes one through 10 of the workbooks. Really, they look gorgeous and incredible because of her. And the very first day I started filming videos and recording videos, even before I launched the channel, we filmed two videos together. So she has been in the background of this the entire time. And maybe I will show you guys that video because I know there will be doubters out there, but you can actually, if I do launch it, you'll actually see the upload date was before anything had ever come out before.
Margaret (07:03):
And when you get to meet her, you will love her.
Craig (07:05):
She's fantastic. Wonderful. She's fantastic. And we'll talk to you about the training that she's had, but she won't be doing any coachings anytime soon she will be training and she will be on video. So you guys get to know her, but you're gonna love her.
Margaret (07:19):
Yup, absolutely. We wouldn't hire any scale artists. No,
Craig (07:24):
No. We're not about that scam artists life. So this was an email coaching from a guy in his mid forties, dating a woman in her late twenties. Okay. So he said, my ex broke up with me in early may. After about 10 months saying there was no spark, but people with ulterior motives influenced her to break up with me,
Margaret (07:57):
Said she or says he, or you don't know at this point, you don't know.
Craig (08:01):
No at this point, but it's certainly a red flag that either he's not sure. Or has this woman not individuated that she can make her own decisions. We continue to be friends with benefits until late June. When she got into a relationship I believe is a rebound. Okay. So this is what I was talking about is right away. After the relationship, she started dating somebody new. He says, I took the breakup fine, but lost it when they started dating the other guy. See, that's what I'm saying, Margaret is that at first he was okay, then you find out there's somebody else involved and it's just devastating. Oh, it's the worst feeling. I did not contact her after, but she contacted me indirectly on the 4th of July. She then moved in with the guy on the fifth.
Margaret (09:03):
Oh, you think she has a little trouble with decisions?
Craig (09:06):
She's got a little trouble with something, Margaret. Yeah. But it's certainly very bizarre behavior. Right? It's going to go on. She then sent me another message a few days later and we started talking and mind you she's just moved in with this new guy. She's broken up with him. Why is she reaching out to him if she's broken up with him and wants to be with this new guy?
Margaret (09:30):
This poor lady has no idea what she wants, sounds like.
Craig (09:35):
Okay. We made plans to get together, to do my taxes, but then I screwed up and started liking things on her Facebook. So now what that probably made her feel like, Oh, it was, Oh no, he's publicly putting this out there. This new guy that I'm living with is seeing this. I realized what I did and tried to go no contact again with a short message that was worded poorly. She then blocked me on Facebook. I found out later her boyfriend and best friend told her to block me. And she did that for about four days. This girls all over the place that people are telling her to block him. So she does it. Then she unblocked him. I mean, the amount of mixed messages here. It's enough to make you nuts
Margaret (10:23):
Enough to make anybody nuts.
Craig (10:25):
She then unblocked me and then told me it was okay to come in on that Saturday to talk. Meaning I guess for the taxes, it went well until her boyfriend showed up. Okay. So he must have known somehow we started texting and I went in again and we talk and it was going really well. Talking about past sex and future plans. Then the boyfriend showed up again. This guy, he knows something's up, right? I mean, he, this girl just moved in with him and he already doesn't trust her. I look at her behavior. She's like, what is she doing here? She breaks up with him a month later, moves in with a new guy the day after she's messaging him again. She's talking with this guy about sex. A week later, still texting every now and then I go back to tell her I wanted to back off for a while. I think he should have just backed off. I don't think there was any reason to tell her he was going to back up. I think he got over anxious and he was like, Oh, I'm going to tell her I'm backing off. He panicked. She said, she didn't want me to, of course, she's going to tell you, she doesn't want you to back off because she's confused. And you're her other option. Why screw it up with this other guy here. It might not work. So I don't want you to back off. I want to keep you breadcrumbed.
Craig (11:56):
And I told her what I want. Not begging. It went really well. She did tell me there's no chance of getting back together, but hesitantly,
Margaret (12:09):
You got to take it at face value. She said the words.
Craig (12:13):
It's so odd to me that she, he says it went really well. And then literally it doesn't, there's not even a comma. Well, she did tell me there's no chance of getting back together.
Margaret (12:28):
He enjoyed the conversation. Yeah. But you can't read anybody's mind if she said the words hesitant doesn't come. She certainly giving him mixed messages, I guess. Right.
Craig (12:39):
All over the place because she's laughing and probably having a good time with them. But then she's saying, but we're never going
Margaret (12:45):
Exactly. That's my vision too.
Craig (12:49):
And she was understanding and still wanted me around. I mean, could you imagine being this, this other guy, if you found out what she was doing with this other guy that she just left to be with you. We then joked and stuff. This Tuesday, he, I went in and she flirted with me and told me she was unhappy with the boyfriend. My new she's only been with this new guy for like a month.
Margaret (13:19):
What a surprise.
Craig (13:21):
Ah, yeah. She wanted me to send this video I made for her and a sex story, which I'm good at.
Margaret (13:32):
Where did she want him to send it?
Craig (13:34):
I guess to text her, some kind of sex story, which I'm good at. I like the part that he added, which I'm good at.
Margaret (13:43):
Okay. That kinda makes me happy. I write sexy.
Craig (13:46):
Wait, sex stories. Yeah. I don't know what the video is. I probably don't know what the video is. You said it felt like old times. I went in and talked to her the next morning.
Margaret (13:58):
So obviously she has an office where she does taxes. Is that it?
Craig (14:01):
I guess. So that's what it seems like she said that night that she got drunk and talked with the boyfriend and found out he is hung up on his ex as well. And they made up, so now that she was afraid she was going to lose this guy. She was like, Oh no, we have to make up.
Margaret (14:20):
At what course, they jumped into it way too fast. And then found out that they were not over their exes, which were two minutes old. Yeah. Yeah.
Craig (14:29):
We then talked some more and she wanted to keep reaching for me, but would pull back and kept saying how good looking I was. Then the boyfriend showed up surprised and made a scene with me in front of her, he then left and she was hurting and wanted him to come back. She asked me to leave. She texted me later. She wasn't mad or upset with me. I texted the next morning to make sure she was okay. I told her I didn't want to cause her any more problems for her. I would understand. She again said she wasn't mad or upset with me, but needed a few. I'm leaving her alone, but not sure what I should do. Any help?
Margaret (15:18):
It's hard to know where to begin, huh? Yeah.
Craig (15:21):
Well now how old is she? I'll go back and look. She is in her late twenties. I think she was fairly close to 30 and he's mid forties, mid forties. I don't know about the other guy. Well, let me start with this. How she's treating this other guy is how she's going to treat you. If she already hasn't done these things, right. She doesn't seem very faithful to me. Okay. If she's in a relationship, I mean, let's just say that she didn't talk to this guy until you guys were broken up. Let's say she did meet him later. Even if that's the case, look at how disrespectful she's being to the new boyfriend, telling you to send sex stories, telling you how good looking you are, telling you, you don't want, she doesn't want you to leave her alone.
Margaret (16:18):
There's no chance of getting back together. And she's with the other guy exactly. Who she's moved in with. That would be enough to make anybody crazy.
Craig (16:25):
Yeah. But imagine being the other guy, imagine if he knew how she was really behaving. So my point is, look at that. She could do that to you. If you got back together with her, if she didn't already do it with this guy beforehand and we'll, and we'll do it, then we have the issue of people or influencer to break up with you.
Margaret (16:46):
No, she doesn't. That's very strange. I love to know the truth about that
Craig (16:51):
I suspect, It's probably the best friend and this other guy, I think that's, who was influencing her to break up with him
Margaret (17:00):
If it's even true. But if that's the case, there are people who can't manage a one-on-one relationship and always somehow managed to drag in a third party. And it almost sounds a bit like that. I can't do one-on-one with you. I can't do one-on-one with my boyfriend, but if I keep both of you, I can kind of juggle in a way that works for me. And I won't have to get too close to anybody,
Craig (17:27):
But she sends this guy just enough messages to keep him around. But then we'll say, but we're never going to get back together again. You can send me your sex stories. They're wonderful. He's very good. Very good at it. But I'm never going to get back with you. I mean, the mixed messages there, I mean, they are enough to keep him like going nuts and keep them on the hook. Yeah. So, I mean, where do we go Margaret?
Margaret (17:59):
If we ask him what's in it for him, what would he say?
Craig (18:03):
That's a good question. That's something he should think about
Margaret (18:06):
What's in this for you. Yeah. Okay. and it would be very interesting what his perception would be of that. He might think if he hangs in there long enough, she'll come around. I don't know if he wants something temporary or he's looking for something long-term. But the decision-making is what scares me if her boyfriend and her best friend or whoever else is making her decisions for her, then she is nowhere near being a grownup. That's right. The measure of a grown-up is you have to be able to make your own decisions.
Craig (18:43):
Yeah. Try it. And let's just say, if she doesn't get to that point, that means if she gets back together with you. And so when the influences are to break up with you again, she'll do it exactly. Like you're taking a big risk with this woman. I get a vibe that he doesn't have a lot of experience with women. That I think somebody maybe that had more experience would have really been disgusted by this behavior and walked away
Margaret (19:10):
Either that, or he's so in love. Yeah, whichever it is. I personally don't see what's in it for him. Do you?
Craig (19:20):
Not at this point, I mean, to me, if you're looking for something meaningful, I mean, I think it's unlikely to find it with her and not, not with her acting like this. I mean, you know, she's close to 30 years old, you're 40 something, 40 mid forties. And I would think that you would be looking for something a little bit more meaningful than this. If you're just looking for casual, then I say, I think it'd be okay to date her. But I think if you get attached to her, you're going to get hurt. Right.
Margaret (19:52):
But she seems to want to get serious very quickly with people. Right?
Craig (19:56):
Well, she moved in with this new guy after a month.
Margaret (20:01):
Which says to me, she can't handle being alone, but I don't think she can handle being with anybody either. And she's creating this crazy triangle circus to try to manage day to day. Yep.
Craig (20:14):
And the other guy is hung up on the other girl and he's causing all kinds of drama coming back and forth and making a scene and getting upset.
Margaret (20:24):
How many people do you know who can do that on one hand?
Craig (20:30):
Yeah. Let me get both hands. But I mean, this is really crazy.
Craig (20:34):
This is yeah. And you know, we see here at the bottom of this email, he said, she said that night she got drunk. So that might be an, that there's some other issues going on with her, with alcohol that we don't know about. But you know, she's got a new boyfriend. She's flirting with the ex this guy here. I mean, lots of mixed messages, but then also saying, but we're not getting back together, but send me a sec story. But flirting with me, come see me at the office. Let's talk about sex.
Margaret (21:08):
Let's say, you know, if you're looking for a normal relationship with her, I think you're going to be dissapointed.
Craig (21:16):
And hurt. I think you're going to get hurt
Margaret (21:18):
Again
Craig (21:21):
Is my big concern here. It's like, if, if you think that you could date her and just have fun and go out and date, occasionally, you know, that's, that's a personal decision. You're an adult. You can make that decision for yourself. But I think if you're looking to get attached to somebody, she seems to have some serious attachment issues.
Margaret (21:38):
Oh, she certainly does. And just really life management issues. I mean, I imagine every day has some crazy incident.
Craig (21:47):
I would be shocked, shocked if this relationship lasted very long with this new guy. Even though they got serious real quick, and this is the kind of stuff we see, often somebody gets into a new relationship right away. They move in with this person. They're so great. And so wonderful. And they never really cared about you until it falls apart which it often does. And then they're like, what have I done? Right.
Margaret (22:13):
Yeah. This guy needs to think about protecting himself and his heart. That's already injured.
Craig (22:21):
So, you know, even when your ex leaves you to be with somebody else or meet somebody else right away and get serious with them, I've been doing this far too long to get stressed about that because I know that most of the time, it doesn't last very long. And then afterwards they think about the person that they were truly attached to and cared about. And in many cases, that was you, right? Yep. You see that too, right? Yes, indeed. So hopefully you take all of this in and think about it before you proceed. And you're careful with yourself and hopefully this helps you guys see that. I mean, I've seen, exes get engaged to somebody else right away, and then come back a few months later, begging and pleading for you back cause it doesn't work with that new engagement.
Margaret (23:11):
What do you think would happen if he went no contact?
Craig (23:14):
I think she'll reach out to him. In fact, I think she would probably reach out to him and, and give him more mixed messages.
Margaret (23:22):
Well, I think he would have to call her on the mixed messages
Craig (23:26):
In a situation like this. I would agree. I would say for, for this woman, I would say, why don't you get back with me when you're single that way she can't use you to triangulate,
Margaret (23:38):
Which is exactly what she's doing. Yeah. Which is exactly what she's doing.
Craig (23:42):
Yeah. So in a situation like this, I'm not going to let take advantage of you and hurt you anymore. So be careful with this one. And I'm sorry this happened to you.