Today we're going to be talking about my ex left for someone else. It's happened to me before and it is one of the worst feelings in the world. It is so scary and so painful. I mean, because when you're in that situation, you really believe that this new person that's come along is better than you. They're more attractive than you. And that new relationship that they have is amazing. That's always the fantasy and they're all going to be. Oh, so happy. Oh yeah. It's terrifying. Uh, I've mentioned the girl that I dated before, the applebee's girl where she started dating someone else right after we broke up. I mean it was like less than two weeks. They were going out on dates. Right? I was absolutely devastated and I was shocked. I had no idea what to do.
Craig Kenneth: 01:22 I didn't understand anything. I was just completely and utterly devastated and blown away. Yes, you were, and it was the worst feeling in the world and I was so scared and I was going to Margaret. That's when I started to go see you. This is about seven years ago now and maybe more, right? I guess that's maybe a little more now, and I just had this terrifying fear that she was going to marry this guy. They looked great. They started posting pictures on social media. The relationship look great. Now they're taking pictures at Christmas time, Christmas time, pictures show annoyingly man. I wanted to die. It felt horrible except he looked like biggie buffet. He did look like Beaky buzzard and an old cartoon character look them up and so it was absolutely terrifying and just scary. I mean, you're just so scared that this new person is better than you.
Craig Kenneth: 02:19 I can tell you that this happens all the time. All the time. People leave you all the time when they think this new person is going to be amazing and wonderful, and sometimes they are in the very beginning, but after not too long of a time, you'll find that that new relationship falls apart far more often than it lasts. Yes, that's right, and so you feel like they're never going to come back. That relationship is going to go on forever. Well, I can tell you that in probably over 95 percent of the cases, that relationship doesn't even know. It just doesn't because they don't really know that person. They just had the fantasy of who that person is. They're feeling lust and the traction for this new person, they think it's going to be great. Oftentimes it is not so great and it's not that long before they miss you and come back around again, and so if you spend the time working on personal growth like we teach how to be a better partner, how to understand your attachment style, work through attached, understand yourself.
Craig Kenneth: 03:35 Yes, you're going to give yourself a much better opportunity when they do revisit the idea of getting back with you, which does happen all the time and I know that every single one of you watching this video, thanks. No, no, no, not my situation. I'm going to happen. Minds hopeless. I know his looks good and hers looks good, but mine is hopeless. We all feel like that may not be at all. No, I now see the thing is at the time it is hopeless because there's nothing you're going to do to convince them to come back. Right? But if you give it time, the chances are you will get another opportunity and it's what you do in that time to give yourself the best opportunity and it's tough. It's really tough because you may think that you're ready and you do a lot of work, but oftentimes it's not even enough and then you get in front of that person again and you just have a complete meltdown, right?
Craig Kenneth: 04:40 Then you wind up crying at Applebee's like I did what? Why the Applebee's girl? Exactly. So today I got an email coaching from a woman in her mid twenties dating a guy that was just a few years older and she said, Hi Craig. I'm in a bad place mentally and emotionally, so I'm thankful for any advice or help. I'm consumed by this breakup and feels like I lost my damn mind. Okay. Then we're clear. I think that's pretty clear how a lot of us feel. Right. She says, I can't go on anymore. My ex is recently divorced and has several kids. I've never been married, nor do I have any kids, but I did enjoy spending time with his kids. He and I met back in 2011. We had a shorter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Long time. We had a short flame, but remained close friends ever since.
Craig Kenneth: 05:46 We only lost contact a few times. We always had a special bond with each other. We reconnected in 2016 and then that time he was going through a divorce. We were each other's best friend. Now I suspect that he was probably using her as a crutch during such a difficult time. She was comforting him through this. Yes, she goes on to say he ended up meeting someone else this past January and ended things with me in February to pursue this new person he met. That's awful. That's awful. So he or she is thinking this is my best friend and I've been there and now he's left her for someone else and I've been there and now he's the offer. Some other woman's. She's, she's dying inside. That's what it feels like. You're just the worst feeling. I was devastated and completely blindsided by it all, which I've been there too. And you know that this new person, he is with his separate or separated and not yet divorced from her husband or so I have seen after facebook stalking, so she's. This woman isn't ready for a new relationship. She's probably using him to come
Coach Margaret: 07:13 for her. I was going to say, how complicated is this coming off a divorce? Used her to comfort him and the first relationship after a divorce rarely works.
Craig Kenneth: 07:25 Nope. And that's what happened with me and applebee's girl. Right. I didn't know any of this stuff at that time. I didn't realize that she wasn't ready.
Coach Margaret: 07:33 It can feel heavy when you're Kevin Heady, you know, exciting. Wonderful. Terrific. When you're coming out of a relationship. Sure,
Craig Kenneth: 07:41 Yep. He told me how he felt like he was living in a fairytale with this new woman. Everything was perfect and how she completes him. Oh dear. And she even wrote Puke.
Coach Margaret: 07:57 I agree. Yeah. Aware of that when they make joke about them. But that is living in a fairytale, but then it tells you he completes you
Craig Kenneth: 08:06 running. Yeah. This is it. This is not gonna last. I did not take the breakup well at all. I told him he was making a mistake and I begged him to reconsider. I wanted to work on things together, but his mind was made up. Sure. Because this new woman feels like a drug den
Coach Margaret: 08:27 and you know, he's been in an uncomfortable relationship for years, so he's not about to tie himself down there. Fest.
Craig Kenneth: 08:34 Yeah. And so she's coming out of this relationship. They're both in a fantasy. Sure. His main and only reason for not wanting to be with me was money related. Oh. He felt like he could live the lifestyle he wanted with my income and his income combined and he didn't want to support me. She goes on to say we didn't live together or even talk about moving in together. So I'm not sure how we would have been supporting me. This new girl that makes a lot more money than I made and probably more than him to again, facebook stalking. So I think he's got this fantasy of this woman taking care of him. Like his mommy. Yes, I agree. And I guess his wife get that for awhile, but this must be quite a lifestyle. Yeah. So because you know, so he was married then. He was dating her and now, oh, he's upgraded to somebody who makes all this money.
Craig Kenneth: 09:37 Right. Until she gets tired of it and says, I don't want to date a guy who doesn't make any money like you, but it can't be that spectacular. No, it's lifestyle. Excuse me. Where are your priorities? Sure. So she says he never talked about money or my income before he met her. His mom died when he was around 10 years old. Is that it was an alcoholic and wasn't around much and didn't take care of him and his siblings after the death of their mom. See this mommy fantasy. You're right on. My question is, is there any hope for him? And I. thanks so much for listening. I'm tired of my friends and family telling me to just be happy and move on. Well, move on, but you're not going to just be happy right now. No, and she said, I just decided. Note I do have anxiety and I do take medicine for it.
Craig Kenneth: 10:33 So good for her for dealing with that. No reason for her to suffer in such a difficult time to and for reaching out now for him. Exactly. So I do think there's hope for this situation. Whether or not you want to take him back when he comes back around again, that's another story to you, but this isn't going to last. He is. He thinks he's found his mommy. Who's going to take care of them? She's going to get fed up after. No, I don't know. That would be not too long. He's found as wealthy, wealthy, mommy to take care of them and she's probably going to say you're not really ambitious like I like, and you don't make as much money as I need. I don't want to date a guy who's as broke as you. How many kids are there? Uh, he has several kids.
Craig Kenneth: 11:19 Okay. So, uh, do I think there's hope? Yeah. Show he'll come back around again and when he does, you know, I certainly wouldn't rush to take him back because you know, he left you for somebody else, right? And you want to show, hey, that you respect yourself and you value who you are, that you're not just going to let somebody who leaves you for another woman come running back into your life. If you do, he's not going to really respect. You know, he's. No, I'm not mean. He didn't even discuss having difficulty leaving this lady
Coach Margaret: 11:54 that he'd been with for awhile. He could only think about his lifestyle. Whatever he means by that, we don't know if he has a yacht and two airplanes. So a modest pool at his house. We don't know exactly what he has or what he means.
Craig Kenneth: 12:06 It didn't sound like he was doing that. Well, I mean it sounds like he was doing okay.
Coach Margaret: 12:11 He's worried about money in his shovel. Children and expenses. Yes. That will be difficult.
Craig Kenneth: 12:16 So I think he's got a fantasy situation going on here too and I do think he's going to come back
Coach Margaret: 12:22 and no matter how we look at it and how mature we are, mommy is still always there.
Speaker 3: 12:29 Yeah.
Craig Kenneth: 12:30 So, um, you know, take some time to really think about if this is a healthy situation to put yourself there. Right. And you know, because if he does this now, what if another mommy comes along with a higher income later? Yeah. You know, he could do it again
Coach Margaret: 12:47 and also be aware that, you know, he has not fully processed the first relationship. He hasn't had enough time to grieve whatever extent he's going to or deal with this anger to whatever extent he's going to and he's just not ready to reinvest just yet. I wouldn't think. It doesn't sound like it, but it probably sounded like you spent time with his, with his children and you invested in them and you kind of. It kind of became family for you very quickly. Yeah. Yeah.
Craig Kenneth: 13:15 But you know, if you're in a situation that your ex leaves you for someone else, a lot of times your friends and your family will say it's hopeless. They're never coming back. Get rid of him. Yeah. That simply isn't the case at all. It really isn't. And like in my situation, I had another opportunity with the applebee's girl. I really think she did reach out to negative, but that's where I did everything wrong. And that's the hard part is knowing what to do. How do I handle it? And that's what makes breakups so difficult is they're so scary, overwhelming, confusing. There's a lot of pressure on you. Your friends and family are giving you bad advice. It's not easy. And that's why
Coach Margaret: 13:57 overnight you're here and we always say, you know, you can be sure that everybody's going to think about a breakup and wonder if it was the right or the wrong decision. So you know, the thought is there at some point and we'll be there at some point.