Craig (00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about five ways to destroy your chances of getting your ex back while you're in no contact. You know, a lot of people think, how can I destroy my chances in no contact. Right. And you would think, yes, it would be pretty simple. It's not as simple as it sounds many people really struggle with no contact and leaving their ex alone because they're having such a hard time, which I completely understand. And, you know, coach Victoria, you've gone through breakups before I was thinking about this. I think I've seen you go through three breakups in all the years that I've known you and, you know, especially the ones from several years ago, you really struggled with that feeling, right? We were talking about that feeling.
Victoria (01:29):
Yeah. It's just a feeling of wanting to connect and your brain just says, get back with this person, get back with this person. You're remembering reminiscing on all the great, good times that you had together and that's all you can obsess about until you get that.
Craig (01:44):
There was one, several years ago that I was actually on the phone with you as you are on your way to your ex's house. And I was pleading you not to go with you not to go when her phone went out, cause she was in the train. Right. And do you remember that feeling? I remember how panic to where your way there.
Victoria (02:02):
It was, I was very nervous because you don't know when you're about to do a grand gesture or anything like this in your head. You have it planned out for it to work. So on the ride there ,on the train ride there, Craig is on the phone and he's like, don't do it. And meanwhile, I'm passing through tunnels. It's like,
Craig (02:21):
You're getting like every 10th word. I'm like stop! No! Please! But you know, in hindsight it wound up really helpful that you went through that. So now it's something that we've been able to talk through over the years of going through it. So it's been helpful for you to see what people go through in that moment and we can laugh about it now. We were not laughing then. That was a rough one. And we could get into the story a little bit in the future about what happened there. But just, you know, I've seen it through our friendship cause we've been friends probably like seven or eight years now. Breakups. And when we've talked about it, she seen me through difficult times. And, and so we know what it's like to have that overwhelming feeling of like, Oh my, I have to do something to reach out to my ex and you just get so emotional with the uncertainty and the anxiety causes you to make a lot of mistakes. We're going to talk about some of these mistakes today. Margaret, you know, these are some big ones, right? So the first one I want to talk about is blaming shaming or criticizing. Okay. This obviously I don't mean directly with your ex. I mean, yes, it would. Don't do that with your ex, but even with friends or family publicly, you've seen this with some of your girlfriends, right?
Victoria (03:45):
Especially if you have mutual friends, word gets around and people will give you their word to your face, but they may also be talking to your ex, you know, you never know. So it's better to be safe and find somebody professional that you can speak with or somebody that is outside of your social circle.
Craig (04:05):
Yeah. that, cause we get so upset. Oftentimes we'll sit there and tell our friends and family, Oh, they did this and they did that. And you know, you don't think it'll get back to them, but it does. It does more often than not. And you know, it's understandable that you're hurt and you're angry at them. But if it gets back, it's only going to do damage. I mean, how many times have you seen that you say something to somebody else. Oh, absolutely. And the next thing you know, everybody knows it. And then your ex is like, why did you call my uncle and tell him that I,
Margaret (04:41):
And people want to call people's relatives after a breakup.
New Speaker (04:45):
So guilty of that with the Applebee's girl. Yeah. Oh, it was so awful. I was talking to her brother, her sister, her mother, and they all love me. They really felt bad. And I think they probably would have wanted us to repair things. But I do think that there was more getting back to her than I realized. And I had one friend that I thought was a friend that wound up spilling the beans, you know, that story. And so I had a friend that was a very mutual friend and I thought to my face, she was, you know, on my side, but she had a hidden agenda. She sabotaged it and she really caused a lot of problems. So regardless of how upset you were be very careful who you share with. Yep. Okay. The next one on the list is retaliation manipulation or playing games. This is big. Especially with social media, a lot of people will do something to get revenge. You'd be surprised how many people will send out naked pictures of their ex to other people. They'll post it on websites. They'll they'll post it on Facebook. Oh yeah. I've seen some really big mistakes because people are hurt, but they're trying to humiliate their ex, but that is really good to destroy any possibility that wanting to come back, it's going to really hurt your chances. Right. you know, it's going to get back with them. Essentially. If you play a game with somebody, they're gonna get it. Right. They're gonna hear us through friends. Right. Do you see that with any of your female friends playing games or manipulate?
Victoria (06:27):
I could see that with social media, as far as posting pictures with other people to make their ex jealous you could also see this with people trying to get with their ex's friends. That's that's particularly insidious.
Margaret (06:42):
It is. Yes.
Craig (06:45):
I agree. I've seen that too. I've seen that, but a lot of times it just makes them so angry at you that they're like, well, I'm never going to date you a deck again, because of that. I've seen girls do it to guys, like they'll go after the guy friends. And if the guy reciprocates any way that might ruin that friendship as well with him and the other friend.
Margaret (07:09):
That would get them good, wouldn't it?
Victoria (07:14):
I could also see how somebody could warn other people about dating their ex
Craig (07:19):
Oh, that's a big one.
Victoria (07:20):
Spread rumors about them.
Craig (07:24):
It lies. Lies. That's what you know. So like with the revenge, the retaliation. Yeah. It's a big one. Okay. Here's another one. This is important too. Frequent emotional inconsistency and mood instability. Right? Posting emotional songs and poetry. Especially I see this, like on Instagram, people will just post, post, post, post, post 50 things in a week and it's like so much, right. It just doesn't make you look confident and like you're over things or that you're handling things well, right. Margaret.
Margaret (08:01):
No, it wouldn't make you feel like that. And you're trying to let your, your ex know how distressed you are hoping they'll respond. Is that it?
Craig (08:08):
I think that might be what they're trying to do, but I think it just makes the ex angry or like what is going on with this person.
Margaret (08:16):
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That wouldn't ever get you anywhere.
Victoria (08:19):
This could also be a loophole in the no contact, especially if you have a public profile or if you're still friends with your ex on social media, you may think they're going to receive the messages that I'm expressing via social media via signing on, you know, I don't need to contact them to express myself to them.
Craig (08:41):
So sometimes you, you might do it because you're wanting to connect with them on some level, but it often makes a situation worse. Right. Okay. Okay. Here's a big, we see this a lot: disrespected or ignoring boundaries.
Margaret (09:01):
Well, boundaries are sacred and serious and so forth and so on, but boundary violations would be calling the rest of the family. Trying to stalk them on social media and all of those things that sometimes desperate people do to try to get a response,
Craig (09:20):
Even worse than that, the social media driving to the work. Have you seen that like with your friends and stuff too?
Victoria (09:28):
Driving by houses, driving by work, trying to find their car at friend's houses.
Craig (09:35):
And I feel like women in particular get very scared when a guy does that.
Margaret (09:40):
Yes they do. Yes they do. Cause it looks like they're being stalked and there's a lot of information around about stalking these days. So women do get very scared.
Craig (09:51):
I just had a guy today who went to her work and she got a restraining order against him now. And he's like, hasn't even been served yet, but it's going to happen. He's scared as hell. But you know, you violate those boundaries and you think it's innocent. You know what I hear a lot too, is that the ex doesn't want to talk to you. So they just show up at their house and like I'm coming over.
Margaret (10:18):
Terrible boundary violation. No means no.
Craig (10:24):
So you want to avoid doing that and if you get upset, figure out a way to deescalate and calm down because it's only going to make decisions.
Margaret (10:32):
So we make things much worse. But going to people's work, I've known people to be fired when some angry or agitated ex shows up at work. Yes, yes,
Craig (10:44):
Absolutely. And the last one I want to talk about is another big one. Not following through with promises. How many of you have told your ex certain things about what you're going to do, what your goals are, what you're trying to change. And then instead you get so obsessed with where they're at, what they're doing. You completely lose sight of that. Right? like a big one, I'm going to go to therapy.
Craig (11:16):
If you have a guy that says I'm going to go to therapy and then four months later, the girlfriend comes back. I mean, Margaret, what do you think? How do you think that's going to hurt the chances?
Margaret (11:28):
It's not going to help. And I will say, always say to the guys, you know promises, don't cut it. You have to do it. And nothing's going to impress her as much as if you've actually gone to therapy. "But I thought about things and I worked on myself". No, it's not going to sell as well as going to therapy. Yeah. Yeah.
Craig (11:49):
Any other lifestyle changes you can think of that you might see that somebody really wants to see their ex do in that no contact.
Victoria (11:57):
I would also think of the problems you had in the relationship. So if your partner was always complaining about you not going to work or not being functional at work, also, maybe living with family, not having a place of your own might be another one.
Craig (12:09):
I think especially women get frustrated with men for that. Cause I think a lot of guys just kind of will get complacent and live with their grandparents or their parents and women like to see a man who can really be independent and self sufficient. Right. I just had a call about that this past week
Margaret (12:31):
Or I'm going to go back to school. Yeah. That's a big one too. Did you do it? "Well, No." Okay.
Craig (12:38):
Maybe quitting a habit like smoking or drinking or if you're doing drugs, those are all big ones that your ex wants to see. And so if you don't really make those changes while you're not in contact with them, it's going to come back and haunt you. That's why Margaret and I have been preaching for years. It's all about the personal growth in no contact, healing, those attachment issues, becoming more confident learning to communicate. Right? We talk about all kinds of different ways to improve your relationship.
Margaret (13:11):
Of course, we'd love to see you do it for your own wellbeing, not just to impress your spouse, but if you're going to improve yourself, start anywhere you can. Yes.
Craig (13:21):
Yeah. That's so true because we ideally, we want you to do it for yourself. Right. But we understand that it's often the ex and the, you know, trying to get the ex back that keeps you motivated so highly. Right. So we just want to see you staying committed and working on yourself, whatever way you can. Right. But I think all of these are huge big ones. We hear all the time. So if you can make sure you don't do any of these mistakes from here on out. Many of you have probably already done several on this list,
Margaret (13:58):
But I think Craig, as you pointed out, boundaries is behind a lot of these yeah. Of, of how to get to somebody when they don't want you to get there.
Craig (14:08):
And the course, we talk a lot about boundaries. There is like, what is it? The one homework assignment. That's like five sections. It's all on boundaries. Boundaries is so key. And that's in the creative healing course if you want to check that out. But I think that it's really important that you do your best to steer away from these mistakes. And I think it'll help your chances significantly. Absolutely. Okay. So hopefully you found this video helpful, put a like on there if you did. And of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net,