If I Leave My Ex Alone, Will They Miss Me?

Craig  (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about if I leave my ex alone, will they miss me? So Margaret, this is a topic that comes up for me, probably on a daily basis or almost a daily basis. Several times a week, at least. But I understand why it's such a big topic. And so we're going to talk about this today because it's so terrifying, so terrifying to go through a breakup and just feel like your ex isn't going to miss you. And we're going to talk about why and what your ex is going through. And some of the things they might be thinking of feeling as well, as long as, and yourself, because I found it to be so helpful to understand what's going on within ourself during a breakup. Absolutely. Right. Uso, you know, people say to me all the time, do you think they're gonna think about me? Do you think they're going to miss me? And you know, obviously we're dealing with, you know, emotions and we're dealing with a connection we're dealing with love, we're dealing with attachment, you know, and I don't think there's anything more powerful than attachment. And it's hard wired into us. That's the way we are men as human beings is to form a bond, even with our mother pre-birth but it really gets to get to that what three month mark where we really start to bond and have a powerful attachment with them. And that isn't something that you have to talk about or think about it's just, just happens. It's natural. It's normal. Right. So,uI understand that. It's so scary to think about your ex, not thinking about you and letting them go and not reaching out to them that we constantly feel like we have to do something to repair that connection.

Margaret (02:50):

Okay. And not only that, we get hormones that tell us stuff that's right. Mother nature always wants us to propagate. And when A relationship ends, mother nature says, Oh, no kids from these two and sends you more hormones to go get them back.

Craig  (03:08):

So, you know, obviously one of the things that is incredibly challenging is the obsessive thoughts, right? We're dealing with the obsessive thoughts, almost nonstop, and it feels like this almost like you're trapped in this endless cycle of obsessive thoughts, and it's just, you just can't turn them off. And there's a biological reason behind that. And that is if you're a child, like look at, if you're a child and you're disconnected from your parents, you wander off too far, your brain has you go back to them cause you've, you could die. You could literally die. Right? So that's, what's going on there. It's a very similar thing that you experienced as a child wander too far away from your parents. You're gonna die. And so that's why you're going through those obsessive thoughts. But, and I'm going to talk about how this affects your ex as well in a minute. But I want you to understand, because, you know, I remember when I first started researching breakups years ago, I stumbled across a video that talked about death and how we feel like we're dying. And that's why we have these obsessive thoughts. And then it started to really hit me, like, no wonder why this is so painful. I feel like I'm dying because your brain is telling you don't disconnect from that person because you could die.

Margaret (04:35):

And let's go back to our old friend that saber tooth tiger. Okay. And remember that in our evolutionary old days if we got separated from mom, we did probably become somebody's lunch, you know? So it's not crazy. It's it's in a way adaptive.

Craig  (04:53):

Exactly. Yeah. It's, it's, it's very intertwined with our survival. And so that's why so many of you guys are driving past your ex's house. You are calling their job, you're driving past their job. You're calling their, their friends, their family, you're stalking their social media. You need to be honest with yourself on that. You're doing it because so many guys are not going to admit it, but yeah, you really are doing or have done it. And it's because you're desperately feeling like if you don't do it, you're going to die without them.

Margaret (05:28):

But there's a cognitive piece to it too. This is somebody you've been with, you know, for some period of time, enough to classify it as a breakup and obviously that person has said loving things to you and you have said loving things to them. And then all of a sudden they walk away from you and it makes no logical sense. Right? Emotions don't always make logical sense, but there is some logical sense here. How could the person, you know, two months ago told me I was the best thing in the entire universe walk away from me even two days ago. Even two days ago. Yeah.

Craig  (06:05):

Yeah. And I have an email coaching that we'll get to in another video, if we have some time today about something that happened to somebody just like that. But you know, Margaret we're in this obsessive thinking of, are they going to come back? Are they going to miss me? Are they going to think about me, Margaret? What do you think?

Margaret (06:25):

Well, I think they are going to miss you. And they are going to think about you. You can't be with someone on an intimate level and not have some level of attachment. Yes. Okay. So yes, they are going to think about you. Yes. In the beginning, they're going to feel relieved because they've finally done the breakup, but they're going to miss you. They're going to think about you. And they're going to wonder if they made the right decision. That's true.

Craig  (06:48):

Right. But it takes time. Okay. We know that you're experiencing so much physical pain that it's unbearable. I I've been there. Yeah. That's what propelled me to want to learn this stuff. So well is what I went through with my own breakups in the past. And you know, that's why I can relate with you guys because I know how horrible it is and Margaret was there for me during that time. And you know, it's so scary to think, is this person thinking about me? If I leave them alone, if I stop reaching out, if I go, no contact, is that it? Are we done? Are they just going to be out of sight, out of mind?

Margaret (07:25):

Right back in the old days, we had loved letters to save, but now it all takes, takes place electronically. And you can't even, they used to joke about people having an old trunk full of love letters. You know, we don't even have those anymore. So you can't hold on to them.

Craig  (07:40):

Yeah. Unless you have like text messages now, or,

Margaret (07:43):

And the other thing you might have is pictures. And I really think that when you're dealing with any loss, it's useful to look at a picture of that person. Now it might sound like it's going to pour salt in the wound, but I guarantee no, you know, you look at the person's picture and you say, I'm sad. I'm sad about all of this. And that's a very healthy way to go. Yeah. You know?

Craig  (08:05):

Yeah. It's, it's, it is because you have to kind of own it. And you know, that brings up for me. I'm thinking, calling up the object that so many of the people that we're dealing with have had attachment issues and they can't picture somebody, you know, that, you know what I mean?

Margaret (08:25):

And just let me repeat that theory in a couple of sentences, talking about if things work correctly and we are mother is available and we attach and all those wonderful things happen. Eventually we begin to develop a picture of mom that we can hold in our memory, in our head, when mom is not there.

Craig  (08:46):

Up their voice, calling up them talking to us.

Margaret (08:50):

And so forth. And if you can call it, the object, life is so much easier. You can call it up to soothe yourself, or you can call it up if you have to grieve. Yeah. Okay. And I remember essentially being taught by a client when I suggested that he needed to grieve some of the people in his family, he said, I'll have to bring in the family album only then did it dawn on me, that it was easier for him to do it when he could see the pictures, cause he couldn't really call up the object. You know? So it was a wonderful thing. I, I did family albums ever after. No, I thank him if he's out there somewhere.

Craig  (09:27):

Yeah. So what happens is, you know, that inability or that struggle to call somebody up makes us feel like they're going to forget us because in a way we're forgetting them, we're forgetting the sound of their voice. We're forgetting how they talked to us what they were saying to us, what they told us. And so we are afraid that they're doing the same thing that we're struggling with. Absolutely. Right. It's almost like projected.

Margaret (09:51):

Yeah. And is it easier to put somebody out of your mind? Yeah. You can try good luck because those obsessive thoughts will come right back. You miss me. I know you do. I know you miss me. What are the other things I hear often is, does this mean they never loved me? No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't at all. And I think that most people break up for whatever reasons they break up. But that at one time when you were together, they said they loved you and they meant it. Oh, absolutely. Okay. People often think there are reasons they have to break up. Sometimes they don't even want to.

Craig  (10:27):

Yup. But you know what happens next is that, you know, your ex has made a decision to end the relationship to move forward. And at that point they really are fairly confident with their decision. They're not always a hundred percent and every situation is very different. Let me put it out there. There are situations that are so different throughout my day that, you know, we're trying to talk in general terms to get you to understand that, yes, in most of the cases they are going to think about you and miss you right off the bat. But there will be situations that your ex is so frustrated or maybe fed up with you or the situation that they're at that point. They're like, I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to think about it, but they can't turn it off forever.

Margaret (11:13):

No, they can't. They can delay it, but they can't turn it off forever. And how many times do we hear tha they sign up on six dating sites, you know, two days later to distract.

Craig  (11:24):

That's exactly it. And you know, what we start doing at that point is we're looking at our behavior and we're starting to beat ourselves up of, Oh my gosh, I couldn't leave them alone. I was, I was pushing, I was shoving them to, to give, to talk to me, to work and out. And we start to feel really bad about that because we realized that we've been demanding and then our ex just gets cold ice cold. Yes. And so when they're at this point, they're not going to act like they're ever going to miss you. They're not going to budge because they don't want you to continue harassing them. So they got to put that wall up. Right. So that's why I'm trying to get you to see is that the process of leading up to this point is they're not going to act like they're missing you or thinking about you because if they do, you're just gonna pursue them like a like an awful salesman. Like you're just interacting like a persistent salesman that won't let the person think about things. Right? So at this point, you, you know, you gotta go no contact, you know, and some of you get there sooner than others. I get that. And you know, when you go no contact, it's actually a really powerful thing to do. Yes, it is. Because your ex, at that point, it's just like, Ugh, they're constantly badgering me reaching out. And so there's no fear there, there, there's no sense of like, am I making a mistake? Am I going to miss this person? Cause they're not missing you at that point. No, at the moment. They're really, and they're like, finally,

Margaret (13:12):

They're leaving me alone. Right. Finally, I have space. We all need space. That's what we hear a great deal. I need space. That's right. Finally, I have my space while you think all you want and your space. Yeah.

Craig  (13:21):

Yeah. But as you, once you stop forward momentum, that is a complete change of dynamics. You're no longer trying to be a used Carlson car salesman. You're no longer trying to force them into something they're not wanting to do. Now. They actually have to sit with a decision of, Hmm, am I really going to want to live without this person? Right. At first they think you're still going to reach out maybe in a couple of days or a week. But as time goes on, they don't stop thinking about you the way they think about you. And the situation changes. They go from feeling angry and frustrated and walls up and defensive to, Hmm. Maybe I am making a mistake. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe the things that were bothering me, then weren't so bad, but it takes time to get there.

Margaret (14:25):

And that's the thing I had somebody say to me today, it's been four weeks. I mean, we're talking, you know, several months.

Craig  (14:35):

Exactly. That's typical, depending upon the situation, why they wanted to end things. But you know, once you have stopped the forward momentum, that creates space. And the more time that goes, the more space that is created, the more they are going to wonder or start to believe. Well, I actually am never going to hear from this person again. And in that space, that's when they start to feel like they've been dumped in a sense right now, sometimes you'll have people that will do breadcrumbs. And every once in a while, they'll reach out and you know, we don't want you to chase them. No, we don't want you to be eager with these people. But you know, like I said, this is so general, oftentimes we're in situations where we don't hear from our ex for months at a time, and we don't want you to ignore them. If your ex is breadcrumbing you and reaching out to you occasionally saying, you know, I mean, sometimes you'll have an avoidant that's reaching out. You know, every couple of days at that point, you don't want to, you know, act like you're available or too interested in them. You know, we want you to be a challenge. Right, right. We don't want anybody to think that you're easily available, but we don't want you to ignore them either. Right. So if you are in a breadcrumbing situation, you're going to do it differently obviously than a situation where you haven't heard from your ex.

Margaret (16:12):

Or the three o'clock in the morning or the drunk call. Don't put up with that.

Craig  (16:17):

Exactly. But I don't want people to get confused because there's a big difference with a breakup. When somebody hasn't reached out to you in four months and ignoring them versus you, haven't heard from your ex in two days and they're reaching out every three days and they're bread crumbing. You, that's a very different kind of breakup. Okay. But more often than that, not the breakup is you haven't heard from your ex for three, four months.

Margaret (16:47):

And the normal response, the normal human response to loss is grief. Okay. And you can put grief off, but you cannot make it go away. And we find out that people don't last a year without getting into that grief stage. Okay. So grief is going to come upon them and they go into, remember you and they're going to be sad. They can delay it for a while. And then eventually it's going to catch up with

Craig  (17:16):

That's a good point. Yeah. it does catch up with them. And if they try going from relationship to relationship, it's just going to be unhealthy. And the losses are just going to amount and they're just going to continue the cycle of unhealthy relationships

Margaret (17:33):

And trying not to grieve.

Craig  (17:34):

Yeah. which is why we are always pushing and advocating for mental health and growing and working through your issues. It's so critical to turning it around once your ex does reach out again. But you know, there are so many different types of situations. That's why I say in the video, every relationship is different. Every breakup is different because throughout all day long, there are very different scenarios that play out on why people break up how they broke up, what happened, why it happened, right? Attachment styles, mental health issues, all of those things,

Margaret (18:16):

The whole package, we're all a whole package, but I've, I've often heard. I've watched him put things out of his head. He can put things out of his head and never think about them again. No, he can't. He lives on the planet with our shared humanity. You know, eventually it's going to catch up with him. He does have feelings or you wouldn't have been with him. Yes.

Craig  (18:33):

So in time your ex does miss you. And they think about those good things. They think about those good times you've had together. They think about the pros of the relationship. They think about the cons to the relationship. And your goal is to work on those things that when they come back, you're not doing those mistakes or you're trying to minimize those mistakes. So they are more willing to try and give it another go. Right? That's the things that they were so frustrated with. Won't be there as intense as they were before. If you can try to minimize those problems, right. Then things will be easier for them. They'll be happier. And, but it takes real work to get to that place. Right. But, you know, leaving them alone is absolutely critical to getting them to miss you.

Margaret (19:32):

Otherwise, it's like a fix for an addict. Okay. If they can call you, get a quick response or if you call them, then they start grieving. You don't want to interrupt the process.

Craig  (19:43):

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You want them to miss you, you want them to think about you. They, you want them to remember all those good times and people will talk about the fading effect bias. Have you heard about that?

Margaret (19:56):

No. What is the fading effects? I might have it, is it like COVID,

Craig  (20:01):

It might be you know, I haven't found a lot of good research on it. That's why we haven't talked about it too much in videos where supposedly in time, you start to forget about the bad things and remember the good, but the research I've seen isn't, you know, that significant yeah.

Margaret (20:21):

That happens in domestic violence cases. Oftentimes I'd have to research that. Which I will do if it's, if it's a topic of interest. Yeah.

Craig  (20:30):

Yeah. But somebody had commented on the video today about the fading affect bias. So I thought I'd bring it up real quick.

Margaret (20:37):

You remember the good times instead of the bad ones? Yeah. That probably is somewhat true. Yeah.

Craig  (20:42):

There's, I'm sure there's some truth to it, but the research is more about from what I was about specific amount of days and stuff like that. But what I had seen when I had researched it years ago, I wasn't thoroughly impressed. So maybe that's something you could look into in your research and your studies. But I, I want everybody to know. It's so important that even though your ex is just steadfast in their decision of, I'm never going to give you another chance. I'm never going to work it out with you. That changes over time. Okay.

Margaret (21:21):

Yeah. They will tell me the last hurtful thing that the ex says yes. At which, in which case I immediately quote you and say, Craig reminds us all that feelings change

Craig  (21:33):

Feelings change. But it takes time for those feelings to change and you've gotta be willing and you gotta be strong to leave them alone to allow that for them to actually miss you think about it. If you miss somebody time has had to occur and space has had to occur. You don't miss somebody when they're in front of you. Right. I don't miss Margaret when she's here right next to me.

Margaret (22:02):

But you miss me all week when I'm not exactly.

Craig  (22:05):

If we're not seeing each other or filming videos or whatnot. Right. Or my friends that I don't get to see you, you miss them when you have space and time away. And so yes, they will miss you. Even though they looked upset and angry and hurt and they had their wall up and they looked like they were never going to change their mind. That can change over time. Right. And we, we know that you guys need to hear this all the time because it's so scary what you're going through. And that's why we're always bringing it up and sharing different experiences that we've had. Uwhen we get email success stories, which we get all the time and,uwe can't share them all quite honestly. But if you give your time to your ex, if you give them space, they will miss you. They will think about you. They can't shut off that part of their brain

Margaret (23:02):

For any length of time. They can, they can do it briefly, but it, yeah, it will eventually come back and say, hi, I'm still here. Like all unresolved issues do. Yeah. Okay.

Craig  (23:12):

And when people tell you, they love you, you know, I think on some level they love you forever.

Margaret (23:18):

Oh yeah. I think so too. Yeah. I think that's true. And remember, what's going to happen to the minute you are ready to move on. Yeah,

Craig  (23:27):

Exactly. Right. Yeah. We see that all the time. In fact, I had a comment today. I think it was on my Instagram from somebody who said, the minute I was ready to move on, they came back. They sensed the disturbance in the force.

Margaret (23:38):

Right. And don't forget that we think they're not in touch. They've gone. They've absolutely blocked us out. And then as soon as we're ready to move on, they reach out. Yeah. Which says that the process has gone on for those several months. And remember we live in a world of instant and we've lost our sense of process. Oftentimes we fall in love too fast. And Craig and I are always saying, slow down, don't move too fast. And, you know, we fall into love too fast. And sometimes we fall out of love real slowly, you know, slow is better on both ends.

Craig  (24:13):

Yeah. So yes, if you leave your ex alone and give them time, they will miss you. They will start to remember the good times, the experiences you shared, those moments you had, the connection you had, and you just have to let them do that on their terms, which is so difficult. We know, but they're not going to forget you in that time. They're just not right. Right. Okay. Hopefully you found this helpful.

How Crucial Are The First 30 Days of No Contact

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about how crucial are the first 30 days of no contact. Okay. A good subject. You know, this is a good subject and I'm glad this came up. I got a quick email because a lot of people have heard of the 30 day, no contact. That's been going on for many years. I don't know how many years. I don't know where it started. But the 30 days of no contact has kind of been something that people have kind of heard culturally. And I think it's talked about movies and stuff like that. And so when people are going through a breakup, that's one of the first things they think about and hear about and they panic about. And I understand because when you're in no contact, every second feels crucial and it feels like an eternity.

Craig (01:36):

So I got a quick email that I wanted to get to. And then we're going to talk about this. Okay. They said, Hey coach Craig and Margaret, I just started watching your channel a little bit more than a month ago. Unfortunately, you are not the first channel I came across, but I'm so happy that I did. I travel a lot for work. So I listened to your podcast in my car every day. Cool. And when I'm at home, I watch you on YouTube. I never say this. I always forget. You can find many of our episodes on iTunes and all the different podcast platforms that are out there. So you can listen in the car. I always forget to say that. Actually I don't even talk about it that often. And we recently had over a million listens on that. Yeah. And, and I rarely even mentioned it. So I was blown away by that. So thank you. Thank you. I'm on volume six of the workbook and I absolutely love them. They helped me so much to learn so much about myself actually. Don't think I've ever been so healthy and it's all thanks to you. So thank you both so much. I know you guys don't talk about the 30 day rule, like those charlatans. I'm just wondering, I haven't heard from my ex in over 30 days now, do you think that hurts my chances? Do you think that hearing from your ex in the first 30 days is crucial for my chances? Okay. So they came across stuff all the talking about 30 days. And so they're wondering about that. Okay. So do you think it hurts your chances if you haven't heard from them in 30 days? I say not at all.

Margaret (03:39):

That's what I say too. Yeah. Not at all. Not at all. It feels like 30 years, right.

Craig (03:45):

It really does. It really does the hardest part. And it's unfortunate because many of you are going to go to your friends and family and they're going to tell you, it's done. It's over, that's it. They moved on when it gets to like 30 days. And that's simply not the case. And in fact, time after time, and at least from what I see, people often need months before they want to repair things again. Yep. Okay. and I think there's a lot that goes on in that time. And even though it feels devastating to you when you've been dumped for the other person, I think it takes much longer than 30 days before they start to really feel the impact of losing you. Right. Okay. Right now that doesn't mean it doesn't happen sometimes. Of course it does. But not hearing your ex within 30 days, don't panic. No, I don't think that hurts your chances at all.

Margaret (04:51):

And then of course there are all those fears that they're going to find somebody else any minute now, any day now and live happily ever after. And that's not likely either.

Craig (04:59):

Well, you know, one of the things that's scary is that a lot of times your ex does start dating right away and we feel like it's going to last forever. Absolutely. I know I've been there and you really think that that new person is going to see all the great qualities that your ex does, but they may see that in the beginning, but I really don't think it leads to get them getting attached. Do you?

Margaret (05:23):

No, I don't. I don't, if it's a rebound. Yeah. They might have fun for a little while and it might be a distraction to your ex for a little while, but it very rarely works out. Yeah. I think that's what we've seen and, there are no perfect descriptions of stages, but we've, we've thought about this in terms of what the, I gathered the girlfriend broke up with him.

Craig (05:46):

Actually. I think this was a woman that wrote this.

Margaret (05:48):

Yeah. So you know, she's going to have all of those fears and we've found it can take months because first there's a sense of relief that you've done this thing that was very hard and you finally got it over with, and then you might feel better for awhile and six, eight months later, "I really miss so-and-so and wonder if I made the right decision."

Craig (06:16):

It's we know it's hard and, and it's such a difficult balance of going between do I move on or do I wait for this person that come back for me and you have to make that judgment for yourself? I like to focus on the personal growth stuff and make that my priority. And that way either way you're gonna win. If they, if they come back, you'll be in a much better position to turn it around. And if they don't, you're going to be much healthier and you're going to have a lot more skills to have in a new relationship. So, no, I would absolutely not worry about hearing from an ex in 30 days,

Margaret (07:00):

But we certainly understand where you got that.

Craig (07:03):

I totally understand. But if you sat next to me on my couch and heard all the, the calls that I do and how things progress day in and day out, I would say it's okay. 30 days is not that big a deal at all. Okay. And I the second question was, do you think it's crucial to hear from your ex and 30 days? Absolutely not. I don't think that hurts your chances at all. In fact, the way I like to see it is that the more time that you have from them, the more you really have the space and the ability to reflect upon what wasn't working and to grow and to change because growth doesn't happen in 30 days. No, unfortunately not.

Margaret (07:52):

No, it doesn't that wouldn't, I mean, not, not much can change in 30 days.

Craig (07:56):

I think the big thing that changes Margaret is the awareness of I made mistakes and it's such an overwhelming fear of I made mistakes and that's why they've left me. That's right. That's why they feel like I've changed.

Margaret (08:12):

Well, not in 30 days. No.

Craig (08:15):

It takes time to work through your attachment issues. It takes time to heal those things that happened in childhood that you're only starting to become aware of, which is why we talk about attachment issues and trauma and mental health,

Margaret (08:32):

All those things.

Craig (08:34):

Yeah. So, you know, I'm glad somebody sent this because I had never really thought about that 30 day and feeling that pressure of it's 30 days or, or it's 30 days, should I reach out now?

Margaret (08:49):

Right. And are there some coaches who say you should

Craig (08:54):

I don't recommend no, in my experience, it's much better to allow that person to come back. And you know, of course every situation is so different. I've had people that I thought and said to them, wait, why are you in no contact? This person is trying to repair this and what's going on here? And then I hear situations where it's like, okay, you definitely need to stay in no contact. Especially if somebody is like saying, is there a legal actions or that, you know, that they're being threatened with legal actions? Like, don't call me, I'm going to call them

Margaret (09:28):

Please. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. Back off.

Craig (09:32):

But I do think that 30 days came from somewhere many, many years ago and it just kind of became an you know, entrenched in the culture. And so that's why we're trying to enlighten you guys and help you guys see that no, 30 days is not a big deal. And if somebody broke up with me today, I would not expect to hear from them within that 30 days. Sometimes they do go, sometimes they will do indirect direct approaches of the breadcrumb. You, or

Margaret (10:07):

Yeah. I have the key to your apartment or,

Craig (10:10):

Or sometimes they have to handle business. Yeah. But if you're in a situation where you're afraid that, Oh my gosh, it's been 30 days I haven't heard from them or 30 days is about to be up. Should I reach out to them now? No, we don't believe in that.

Margaret (10:28):

And it's always hard to explain. I think we both do it all of the time. How does it better your chances to not be in contact then making contract? Okay. You're telling me not to do the thing I want to do the most and that's going to scare me the most cause I can't do it, but we have found definitely no contact is much more likely to get your ex back than contact. Absolutely. Or we wouldn't tell you that. Yeah. But it is counter-intuitive Craig's favorite word, right? It's counter doesn't make logical sense. Yeah.

Craig (11:00):

Yeah. And you're going to have a lot of family and friends that are going to say things to you. They don't understand how breakups navigate because they're so complicated. Right? I mean, a lot of times family and friends are telling you they're done. They're over you. Move on. Just forget about that.

Margaret (11:19):

It was no good for you anyway. And you know, but if you're, if you loved her, it's not that easy. No, I told you my latest, my latest war is against the phrase of you must let go. No, you must work through, so you can't just let go of feelings that are major for you. You have to process them and entertain them and, and deal with them, you know? So you can't just let go and date somebody else next week.

Craig (11:46):

It's not the healthiest thing to do. No.

Margaret (11:48):

And I mean, people mean to be helpful. They don't want to see you glum. They want to see you cheer up. Yeah.

Craig (11:54):

And oftentimes they're angry at your ex for hurting you. Yes, of course. And you know, they most likely had a relationship with your ex. And so they're upset because they're like, I can't believe they would do this. I can't believe they would leave you. And so they're hurt and angry at your ex too. Family may be particularly hurt by it. And you know, you, you gotta think about, who's telling you these things, how healthy are their relationships, right? Are you getting advice from somebody that can't maintain a relationship telling you, just forget about it, move on, move on.

Margaret (12:33):

Well, who's been in a relationship for 30 years and doesn't talk to their partner. That's another possibility, another possibility.

Craig (12:40):

So it's okay. If you don't hear from an ex in 30 days, I would be surprised if they do. I would be thinking more likely they're going to need more time. And I think that's a good thing because it really does take time to get your life turned around and really work through issues that you've been doing or things that were going on in the relationship that you're trying to improve. So keep focusing on yourself, keep focusing on that personal growth. It's going to help you either way. You can't lose by focusing on that. Because like I said, time and time again, either you're going to have another chance with that person and you're going to show them you've changed or you're going to do amazing in new relationships.

Margaret (13:41):

Right. And how what's better than that? Right. And what we say right off the bat is working on your attachment stuff. Absolutely.

My Ex Couldn't Take No Contact Any Longer

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about my ex couldn't take no contact any longer. Isn't that wonderful? Oh, it sure is. You know, you guys are thinking the same thing, right? I can't take no contact any longer, right? When you're going no contact and you're leaving your ex alone. It's one of the hardest things that you have to do. And I had a nice discussion with somebody about that recently, who has a success story, and she's going to be writing me an email about what it was like for her to do no contact. But when you're not reaching out to your ex anymore, it's awful because now you feel just terrified that they're never going to reach out again.

Margaret (01:24):

And that they'll forget about you. Yes.

Craig (01:26):

Right? Which they do not. No, they don't, but we know why you feel like that. We understand why you feel like that. I felt like that, that you just think that the person's going to move on and it's so difficult to refrain from wanting to reach out, wanting to repair things, contacting them through any way possible. Even through friends and family, it's awful.

Margaret (01:53):

Both of which have to be not done. Don't do that. It'll get you in trouble.

Craig (01:59):

But we understand that when you're in no contact, it feels like an eternity. Every single day feels like an eternity. Every second of the day, you want to check your phone. I've been there. That's why I understand it so well. Cause I have been in that situation and I hated it. It's just the worst. And you watch your phone all day. That's all you do. Every time you look at it, you're just like, Ugh. Or every time it goes off, you're hoping that it's them. Right. That's so hard. But believe it or not, your ex isn't always certain about their decision. Even at the time that they make it. Now, a lot of the times they are certain in that moment in time, but that can change, right? Yes. Feelings can change. And you got to understand that it's hard to know sometimes what your ex is going through thinking or feeling for their situation with you. Cause it can vary based upon what happened in your relationship obviously. But you know, it would be easier for them if you were continuing to reach out when you go no contact and you no longer reach out to them, it makes it harder for them.

Margaret (03:19):

Yes it does. Yeah.

Craig (03:21):

Because they would like to know that you still want to be with them because then that option is there for them. And they don't feel so anxious about their decision. But when you choose to stop reaching out, that puts the pressure on them where they're wondering if you're going to reach out. But then they think, well, are they moving on?,

Margaret (03:45):

And they wonder if you're moving on. So you're kind of giving them back a dose of their own medicine.

Craig (03:50):

Exactly. But oftentimes no contact or when you're not reaching out to them is very difficult for them too. And sometimes they'll put posts up that you know, are about you, but you don't reach out. Sometimes they'll put posts that are implying about you. Right. And they're hoping that you're going to reach out to them because in that moment, maybe they're feeling some vulnerability or some confusion, but you know, you want them to reach out to make the first move.

Margaret (04:26):

Right. Right. The breakup, wasn't your idea of the ball's in their court.

Craig (04:29):

Exactly. So I've got a good email success story today and we haven't done a success story in awhile. No, but they remembered that we like to get success stories and share them with you guys,

Margaret (04:41):

Please, everyone. Remember we love to hear success stories. Absolutely.

Craig (04:45):

So when you have your success story, regardless of what it is with your ex, make sure you email me on the website. Okay. And you know, this is a really good one that I thought people would like to hear. So they said, well, coach Craig, I've been wanting to type this awhile now. Life's been busy. Then I remembered how you said you like to receive the success stories as well. On some of your videos. I spent almost five months going day in and day out in a scary haze after a breakup of over seven years, I was utterly lost in it. In every way I came across your videos. And most, every piece of advice I received from your chat or from your wisdom and knowledge on your channel, helped me get my ex back using no contact. Wow. By far the hardest thing I've ever had to do, considering the woman I lost, I always felt she was my soulmate. Somehow I still do after all this. Not one single text call email, nothing never once. Luckily I found you soon enough. I was determined. But after five months of no contact, she had found it to be almost impossible not to come to me wondering why things went no contact and realized what she had lost when we separated. That is big.

Margaret (06:31):

So she was expecting continued contact. Isn't that interesting?

Craig (06:35):

This is what we try and get you guys to see here. Right? She found it almost impossible not to go to him. And she was wondering why things had gone no contact. In other words, why he stopped reaching out,

Margaret (06:49):

You broke up with me

Craig (06:51):

And realized what she had lost and that's what we want your ex to go through. And that's why we stress the importance of working on yourself in that time. Right. That is the most critical thing because you don't know when they're going to reach out, they could reach out after a month, they could reach out after five months in this case, it could be a year later. Now we don't want you to put your life on hold, but we want you to grow in that time. So when they do reach out, you blow them away. Yeah. And I had a guy this week who was so depressed, just absolutely depressed. I think it was our third call together. And I got on him. I'm like, you've got to stay motivated because you don't know what's going to happen. After the first call, he, I think he's got a little bit more motivated than he kind of dropped. And then our most recent call. He's like, no, after our last call I've been working harder. Okay. So I quizzed him on some certain areas that I had told them to work on and he did better. And I'm like, keep going. You got to get yourself in the right position.

Margaret (08:00):

Because if she comes back and you're just the same, you were as you were when she left. Yeah.

Craig (08:04):

Yeah. But he's working really hard. Good for him. So I'm really proud of him. All right. Let me go on, to put then feelings into words is unexplainable. You're exceptional at what you do. And I can't express enough on how learning my attachment and reworking myself from inside out has changed my view on myself in a relationship. I couldn't afford coaching, but after much hard work done to myself after listening to so many videos and building myself up to that next level. And fortunately my ex had surprisingly done work on herself.

Margaret (08:52):

Wow. How wonderful.

Craig (08:54):

That is great. Through therapy, we were able to come to our senses and move forward with progress in learning and accepting each other for everything we are and are not. Sometimes I think back on the nights of laying there all night, trying to make sense of your videos and how it would work for me. Then it did, bam, late night call. She couldn't take it any longer

Margaret (09:28):

Great. He outlasted her

Craig (09:31):

And we worked it out from there. I am grateful to have found you. Thank you, coach Craig. You really have helped me change my life and relationship for the all around better. If it wasn't for these videos, I don't know how I would've made it through some of those long nights. That's the truth. You're the best at what you do. Stay positive. Add another success story to your list, coach. Thank you so much for sharing that. It's so encouraging to see you guys having success stories, hearing your guys' success stories and being able to share them.

Margaret (10:11):

So he did it himself just by watching the video. Wow. Yeah. That's great. Good for you.

Craig (10:17):

And there's well over 800 videos at this point and plenty more in the works.

Margaret (10:24):

I've heard that recently that somebody had counted them. Yeah.

Craig (10:28):

Well I know we've had certain people that we've worked with that have literally shown me that they've done all the videos. They literally showed me. Cause if you pull up your YouTube it shows the red bar on the bottom when you watched the video. Actually, I will let you know that my next project I have two people in mind that have worked with me quite a bit over the years. This one is one of them. Cause I know she's done the work. She is going to be previewing the project first to get an approval, to give me an approval and the new coach and approval and you to see it, to give us feedback,

Margaret (11:10):

That'd be wonderful. It is what I've seen of. It is absolutely wonderful. We will put the finishing touches on it.

Craig (11:16):

Yup. And by the time you guys see this video, it will probably be fairly close to being done. It's so exciting. But I have several people that are some of my best students that are going to look at it and preview it first because I want to make sure that you guys absolutely love what we have here. And I I'm fairly convinced that you will. But I just want to hear it from people that I know who have done absolutely tremendous amounts of work. So this is a great success story. And even though your situation feels hopeless, it doesn't mean that is one of the things that's the hardest to understand about being in no contact is that there can and will be a day for many of you where your ex does reach out again, despite going months of feeling hopeless and thinking they're never going to reach out, they often do. I mean, this example was five moths.

Margaret (12:16):

And this guy's partner was very honest with us, for which we thank her on saying she didn't really expect the no contact. She broke up, but she didn't expect the no contact. Yeah,

Craig (12:26):

Yeah, yeah. And you know, you guys have just got to stay working on yourself in this time. We know it's not easy when you're anxious and you're depressed. But the worst thing that can happen is that one day they pick up the phone, they want to see you, you get in front of them and you haven't changed and they see right through it

Margaret (12:47):

They'll see right through it. Right. Exactly. Particularly if they've changed.

Craig (12:54):

So you know, stay motivated. You never know what's going to happen either way. You're going to be a success story either. They're going to reach out and you'll have another chance with it or you're going to go on to meet and date amazing people with all this stuff that, you know, and you'll blow them away. Right, right. Right. Well, we'll see, you know, each person is meant to have their own destiny or future and whatever yours may be, you know, just make sure that it's great. Right, right. By doing the work.

Margaret (13:23):

And there's almost nothing that can't be changed if you're willing to work at it.

Craig (13:29):

Absolutely. And you can so great success story. Thank you for sharing it. And when you get yours, be sure to email me.

Big Mistakes NOT To Make In No Contact

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about five ways to destroy your chances of getting your ex back while you're in no contact. You know, a lot of people think, how can I destroy my chances in no contact. Right. And you would think, yes, it would be pretty simple. It's not as simple as it sounds many people really struggle with no contact and leaving their ex alone because they're having such a hard time, which I completely understand. And, you know, coach Victoria, you've gone through breakups before I was thinking about this. I think I've seen you go through three breakups in all the years that I've known you and, you know, especially the ones from several years ago, you really struggled with that feeling, right? We were talking about that feeling.

Victoria (01:29):

Yeah. It's just a feeling of wanting to connect and your brain just says, get back with this person, get back with this person. You're remembering reminiscing on all the great, good times that you had together and that's all you can obsess about until you get that.

Craig (01:44):

There was one, several years ago that I was actually on the phone with you as you are on your way to your ex's house. And I was pleading you not to go with you not to go when her phone went out, cause she was in the train. Right. And do you remember that feeling? I remember how panic to where your way there.

Victoria (02:02):

It was, I was very nervous because you don't know when you're about to do a grand gesture or anything like this in your head. You have it planned out for it to work. So on the ride there ,on the train ride there, Craig is on the phone and he's like, don't do it. And meanwhile, I'm passing through tunnels. It's like,

Craig (02:21):

You're getting like every 10th word. I'm like stop! No! Please! But you know, in hindsight it wound up really helpful that you went through that. So now it's something that we've been able to talk through over the years of going through it. So it's been helpful for you to see what people go through in that moment and we can laugh about it now. We were not laughing then. That was a rough one. And we could get into the story a little bit in the future about what happened there. But just, you know, I've seen it through our friendship cause we've been friends probably like seven or eight years now. Breakups. And when we've talked about it, she seen me through difficult times. And, and so we know what it's like to have that overwhelming feeling of like, Oh my, I have to do something to reach out to my ex and you just get so emotional with the uncertainty and the anxiety causes you to make a lot of mistakes. We're going to talk about some of these mistakes today. Margaret, you know, these are some big ones, right? So the first one I want to talk about is blaming shaming or criticizing. Okay. This obviously I don't mean directly with your ex. I mean, yes, it would. Don't do that with your ex, but even with friends or family publicly, you've seen this with some of your girlfriends, right?

Victoria (03:45):

Especially if you have mutual friends, word gets around and people will give you their word to your face, but they may also be talking to your ex, you know, you never know. So it's better to be safe and find somebody professional that you can speak with or somebody that is outside of your social circle.

Craig (04:05):

Yeah. that, cause we get so upset. Oftentimes we'll sit there and tell our friends and family, Oh, they did this and they did that. And you know, you don't think it'll get back to them, but it does. It does more often than not. And you know, it's understandable that you're hurt and you're angry at them. But if it gets back, it's only going to do damage. I mean, how many times have you seen that you say something to somebody else. Oh, absolutely. And the next thing you know, everybody knows it. And then your ex is like, why did you call my uncle and tell him that I,

Margaret (04:41):

And people want to call people's relatives after a breakup.

New Speaker (04:45):

So guilty of that with the Applebee's girl. Yeah. Oh, it was so awful. I was talking to her brother, her sister, her mother, and they all love me. They really felt bad. And I think they probably would have wanted us to repair things. But I do think that there was more getting back to her than I realized. And I had one friend that I thought was a friend that wound up spilling the beans, you know, that story. And so I had a friend that was a very mutual friend and I thought to my face, she was, you know, on my side, but she had a hidden agenda. She sabotaged it and she really caused a lot of problems. So regardless of how upset you were be very careful who you share with. Yep. Okay. The next one on the list is retaliation manipulation or playing games. This is big. Especially with social media, a lot of people will do something to get revenge. You'd be surprised how many people will send out naked pictures of their ex to other people. They'll post it on websites. They'll they'll post it on Facebook. Oh yeah. I've seen some really big mistakes because people are hurt, but they're trying to humiliate their ex, but that is really good to destroy any possibility that wanting to come back, it's going to really hurt your chances. Right. you know, it's going to get back with them. Essentially. If you play a game with somebody, they're gonna get it. Right. They're gonna hear us through friends. Right. Do you see that with any of your female friends playing games or manipulate?

Victoria (06:27):

I could see that with social media, as far as posting pictures with other people to make their ex jealous you could also see this with people trying to get with their ex's friends. That's that's particularly insidious.

Margaret (06:42):

It is. Yes.

Craig (06:45):

I agree. I've seen that too. I've seen that, but a lot of times it just makes them so angry at you that they're like, well, I'm never going to date you a deck again, because of that. I've seen girls do it to guys, like they'll go after the guy friends. And if the guy reciprocates any way that might ruin that friendship as well with him and the other friend.

Margaret (07:09):

That would get them good, wouldn't it?

Victoria (07:14):

I could also see how somebody could warn other people about dating their ex

Craig (07:19):

Oh, that's a big one.

Victoria (07:20):

Spread rumors about them.

Craig (07:24):

It lies. Lies. That's what you know. So like with the revenge, the retaliation. Yeah. It's a big one. Okay. Here's another one. This is important too. Frequent emotional inconsistency and mood instability. Right? Posting emotional songs and poetry. Especially I see this, like on Instagram, people will just post, post, post, post, post 50 things in a week and it's like so much, right. It just doesn't make you look confident and like you're over things or that you're handling things well, right. Margaret.

Margaret (08:01):

No, it wouldn't make you feel like that. And you're trying to let your, your ex know how distressed you are hoping they'll respond. Is that it?

Craig (08:08):

I think that might be what they're trying to do, but I think it just makes the ex angry or like what is going on with this person.

Margaret (08:16):

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That wouldn't ever get you anywhere.

Victoria (08:19):

This could also be a loophole in the no contact, especially if you have a public profile or if you're still friends with your ex on social media, you may think they're going to receive the messages that I'm expressing via social media via signing on, you know, I don't need to contact them to express myself to them.

Craig (08:41):

So sometimes you, you might do it because you're wanting to connect with them on some level, but it often makes a situation worse. Right. Okay. Okay. Here's a big, we see this a lot: disrespected or ignoring boundaries.

Margaret (09:01):

Well, boundaries are sacred and serious and so forth and so on, but boundary violations would be calling the rest of the family. Trying to stalk them on social media and all of those things that sometimes desperate people do to try to get a response,

Craig (09:20):

Even worse than that, the social media driving to the work. Have you seen that like with your friends and stuff too?

Victoria (09:28):

Driving by houses, driving by work, trying to find their car at friend's houses.

Craig (09:35):

And I feel like women in particular get very scared when a guy does that.

Margaret (09:40):

Yes they do. Yes they do. Cause it looks like they're being stalked and there's a lot of information around about stalking these days. So women do get very scared.

Craig (09:51):

I just had a guy today who went to her work and she got a restraining order against him now. And he's like, hasn't even been served yet, but it's going to happen. He's scared as hell. But you know, you violate those boundaries and you think it's innocent. You know what I hear a lot too, is that the ex doesn't want to talk to you. So they just show up at their house and like I'm coming over.

Margaret (10:18):

Terrible boundary violation. No means no.

Craig (10:24):

So you want to avoid doing that and if you get upset, figure out a way to deescalate and calm down because it's only going to make decisions.

Margaret (10:32):

So we make things much worse. But going to people's work, I've known people to be fired when some angry or agitated ex shows up at work. Yes, yes,

Craig (10:44):

Absolutely. And the last one I want to talk about is another big one. Not following through with promises. How many of you have told your ex certain things about what you're going to do, what your goals are, what you're trying to change. And then instead you get so obsessed with where they're at, what they're doing. You completely lose sight of that. Right? like a big one, I'm going to go to therapy.

Craig (11:16):

If you have a guy that says I'm going to go to therapy and then four months later, the girlfriend comes back. I mean, Margaret, what do you think? How do you think that's going to hurt the chances?

Margaret (11:28):

It's not going to help. And I will say, always say to the guys, you know promises, don't cut it. You have to do it. And nothing's going to impress her as much as if you've actually gone to therapy. "But I thought about things and I worked on myself". No, it's not going to sell as well as going to therapy. Yeah. Yeah.

Craig (11:49):

Any other lifestyle changes you can think of that you might see that somebody really wants to see their ex do in that no contact.

Victoria (11:57):

I would also think of the problems you had in the relationship. So if your partner was always complaining about you not going to work or not being functional at work, also, maybe living with family, not having a place of your own might be another one.

Craig (12:09):

I think especially women get frustrated with men for that. Cause I think a lot of guys just kind of will get complacent and live with their grandparents or their parents and women like to see a man who can really be independent and self sufficient. Right. I just had a call about that this past week

Margaret (12:31):

Or I'm going to go back to school. Yeah. That's a big one too. Did you do it? "Well, No." Okay.

Craig (12:38):

Maybe quitting a habit like smoking or drinking or if you're doing drugs, those are all big ones that your ex wants to see. And so if you don't really make those changes while you're not in contact with them, it's going to come back and haunt you. That's why Margaret and I have been preaching for years. It's all about the personal growth in no contact, healing, those attachment issues, becoming more confident learning to communicate. Right? We talk about all kinds of different ways to improve your relationship.

Margaret (13:11):

Of course, we'd love to see you do it for your own wellbeing, not just to impress your spouse, but if you're going to improve yourself, start anywhere you can. Yes.

Craig (13:21):

Yeah. That's so true because we ideally, we want you to do it for yourself. Right. But we understand that it's often the ex and the, you know, trying to get the ex back that keeps you motivated so highly. Right. So we just want to see you staying committed and working on yourself, whatever way you can. Right. But I think all of these are huge big ones. We hear all the time. So if you can make sure you don't do any of these mistakes from here on out. Many of you have probably already done several on this list,

Margaret (13:58):

But I think Craig, as you pointed out, boundaries is behind a lot of these yeah. Of, of how to get to somebody when they don't want you to get there.

Craig (14:08):

And the course, we talk a lot about boundaries. There is like, what is it? The one homework assignment. That's like five sections. It's all on boundaries. Boundaries is so key. And that's in the creative healing course if you want to check that out. But I think that it's really important that you do your best to steer away from these mistakes. And I think it'll help your chances significantly. Absolutely. Okay. So hopefully you found this video helpful, put a like on there if you did. And of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net,

How To Get Your Ex Back- The Right Way!

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about, get your ex back the right way. You know, Margaret, I have realized that we get a lot of newcomers coming to the channel all the time. People that are recently getting into a breakup and they start to search things like, how do I get my ex back? How do I get my ex back in the right way? What's the right way to get my ex back. So I thought it would be helpful to do a video for people that are, might be new to our channel. So if you're new to our channel, you know, this is some of the basic stuff that we help you guys understand about our breakup. Margaret and I have been in the field for many, many years.

Margaret (01:27):

We should add up the number of years sometime between us

Craig (01:30):

Margaret, how long have you been a social worker? 

Margaret (01:35):

40 years, right. 40 years. Yeah.

Craig (01:37):

And I have been a therapist for about 20 years. Yeah.

Margaret (01:40):

So we can edit up to 60. Yeah, yeah. We should, we should know something.

Craig (01:45):

I do know a couple of things. And so, you know, we talk about that because many of you don't know what our background is. I'm a mental health counselor. She is a licensed social worker and we've known each other for probably about 20 years

Margaret (01:59):

I think so.

Craig (02:02):

We worked together in agencies locally together, and then we started this together. I told her she was behind the scenes of when I started the channel all those years ago. And now we have coach Victoria on board. Who's been learning with us and she will eventually do coaching. She will. And she'll be wonderful.

Craig (02:20):

So we want to talk about getting your ex back the right way, because there's a lot of bad information on the internet and we know when you're going through a breakup, you can get very desperate. Yup. Okay. People will do things like love spells.

Margaret (02:41):

Right. We have heard that. Right.

Craig (02:44):

You know, they get so desperate that they will buy a love, spell thinking that's going to help get your ex back.

Margaret (02:51):

When you're desperate though, you'll try anything. It's understandable. It's tunnel vision, right? Yeah. It's tunnel vision. When you're, when you're desperate and feel up against it, your, your view of the world narrows down to just one thing. It's tunnel vision, right?

Craig (03:05):

Yeah. Yeah. And it's, you know, I think very tied to a depression that you get in that state. And so you may find yourself, you know, looking for magic beans to get your ex back essentially, but that's really not the way you want to go about this. So we're going to talk about some of these major points today. And the first one is don't try to manipulate your ex and stop trying to force your own agenda.

Margaret (03:34):

And that happens very often, very soon. Very quickly. Yeah.

Craig (03:39):

Yes. A lot of the other information out there about breakups is centered around manipulating your ex with some BS magical text that gets your ex back or a handwritten letter or grand gesture. And in my experience, it very, very rarely works. Right. I mean, if, if something like that happens to work, I think it was only because your ex was really reconsidering it anyway. Right. Right.

Margaret (04:11):

There is no magic formula. And I think sometimes when people call us, they hope we have one, but we don't, it's not magic.

Craig (04:19):

Yeah. I mean, a lot of the stuff that we're teaching you and the psychology and the understanding of mental health that's directly related to attachment and relationships working is absolutely the real stuff of how to make a relationship work and how to really repair things with your ex so you can have a real shot at repairing it and having a healthy relationship again. But you know, there's a lot of stuff out there about manipulation and using guilt pressuring your ex is a big one trying to get other family members involved or friends involved. I was guilty of that. Right. You try always backfire. It makes it worse. Yeah.

Margaret (05:07):

Always backfires. And there's always somebody who's willing to get in the middle and give everybody advice.

Craig (05:14):

I can tell you what I did. It, it backfired for me. It often just pisses your ex off. Yes. Right. It makes him really angry at you begging whether you may realize it or not is just a form of manipulation.

Margaret (05:27):

Yes. It is. It's a different form. How pathetic do I have to look, right?

Craig (05:31):

Or that you think that if you beg for that extra chance, I mean, I've heard very, very few cases over the years of begging actually working. It often turns your partner off. So these are all manipulation strategies that you want to get away from. Guilt pressure, getting other people involved trying to beg and just simply ignoring needs of your partner and what they're trying to tell you. Right. Right. That's huge. So you gotta be careful of doing those things. Of course. Some of that is to be expected in the beginning, especially the begging and trying to talk person out of it

Margaret (06:11):

Well you're shocked. Right? Yeah.

Craig (06:14):

Yeah. That's absolutely it right there is when you're shocked. So it's okay to do some of that in the beginning, but you, and don't beat yourself up if he did, because most people do those things. I was guilty of some of those things you know, I tried to grand gesture

Margaret (06:30):

And lots of people who call us say, I already tried all the things you guys said not to do. Did they work? No.

Craig (06:40):

So you know, what you really want to do is give that person space and freedom to make their own decision, which is very, very difficult, which comes along with the second major point. I want to say here is let them reach out to you, right? The way that I have explained no contact and the way that I teach it is simply not to reach out to your ex. Some people have some convoluted strategies or situations where you should ignore them. If they reach out to you or play games with them. I don't believe in that. I don't think you're going to have something healthy again, if you're playing those kinds of games.

Margaret (07:19):

Games are not healthy games or manipulations.

Craig (07:22):

So, you know, your ex made the decision to get in the relationship with you. And if they decide that they want to get out, you want to respect that decision as painful as it may be, but you want them to have that space and time to feel your absence.

Margaret (07:41):

And you're being respectful by giving them what they asked for.

Craig (07:45):

But believe it or not, you want to give your ex the space to miss you. Right. you know, a lot of times people will continually reach out to their ex or maybe they'll try 30 days at a time. Right, I'll leave him alone for 30 days and reach out well, they ignored it. So I'll try in another 30 days or you know, using the good reminder text. That's another form of manipulation.

Margaret (08:13):

Good reminder texts reminding us what a good time we had at the beach that day. Yeah.

Craig (08:17):

I just drove by the beach that we went. Do you remember when the bird pooped on your head, you know, some silly reminder of what happened and it sounds like a nice idea. I understand when you're going through a breakup, it's like, that sounds like a good idea, that does some provoking, and then you should hear all the people that are like, I tried it. What happened? Usually the response didn't work. Nothing. They didn't respond.

Margaret (08:44):

Let me just say another word about manipulation. One of the reasons why manipulation is a wrong thing is that by definition, manipulation means you're trying to get somebody to something without directly asking them to do what you want or to even tell them what you want. Okay. It's dishonest. That's the problem. Yeah.

Craig (09:05):

And many of you probably grew up in a home where your mother used a lot of guilt or your dad. Yeah. But I could say I grew up in a home where my mom used guilt, you know, the Italian guilt.

Craig (09:21):

They're famous for that. Yup. And so you may unconsciously be doing the same thing that's been done to you your entire life and you don't even realize why it's such a turnoff.

Margaret (09:31):

Again, just let me come at one more time. You lived with the Italian guilt. I lived with the Irish martyrdom. God knows I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. Yeah.

Craig (09:42):

And so when you're reaching out, trying these strategies, like a good reminder text or a handwritten letter, it just allows your ex to know that you're still wanting them. And it doesn't really get them to grieve the loss of you. Right. Because how can they grieve your loss if they don't feel the loss?

Margaret (10:03):

That's right. And if they're talking to three of your relatives and two of your friends, they can find out how you're doing anytime. Not helpful.

Craig (10:11):

So when you're reaching out, it also takes away the curiosity of what you've been doing, or if you've moved on, which people really want to know.

Margaret (10:21):

No, that's the first thing people want to know. It's been two weeks. Do you think he or she has moved on?

Craig (10:27):

And so if your ex sees that you're continually reaching out, they're not going to wonder if you've moved on. Right, right. It takes away that mystery for them. Yes. Okay. Another big issue, another big way to make sure that you're going to get your ex back the right way is to fix your own issues. Right? We all have our own issues. We all have things in our childhood that were traumatizing or difficult. And we have these blind spots within us that we don't see things about ourselves. And many of you, when you come to the channel, you see that what we're all about is healthy relationships, learning skills, being the best version of yourself. So you either have an opportunity to blow your ex away, or you're doing great in your new relationships. And that way it's a win-win and you're not so focused on, you know, just your ex. Then I get success stories almost every day about, well, maybe I didn't get my ex back, but I found this new person and they made me really happy. And thank you for all the growth and all this, you know,

Margaret (11:35):

Those are, those are wonderful to hear. Yeah.

Craig (11:37):

They're just as good as getting your ex back. I know it doesn't feel like that now. Not at the beginning. And I totally understand because I've been there, but believe me, if you find somebody new, that's amazing for you and you look at your ex, like, why was I tolerating things? Or, you know, that relationship was toxic or maybe it was even abusive. You're going to be so happy with the people that you come across that are healthier for you. Yes. So working through your own issues, you know, we have hundreds of videos on understanding, attachment styles, mental health, the workbooks are all centered around it. The course is centered around it. We're all about bettering your life after a breakup. Right? Right. Another big area and the, the last one we wanted to touch on today is that you have to realize that there are areas that you can improve. And oftentimes you're, so shell shocked that your ex left you, that you can't even realize that you can't think about what did I do wrong? Like, or what's, what did I do in this relationship that may have ultimately led to, you know, the connection being hurt or trust being hurt or the other issues that have come up. But now you have an opportunity to reprioritize yourself. And I think that when you're going through a breakup, it really gets you to reevaluate. What's important to you and prioritze.

Margaret (13:09):

Absolutely. And that's a healthy thing to do.

Craig (13:12):

I mean, you, you talked to somebody today that I did a coaching with a few weeks ago that realized they were addicted to video games. Yes

Margaret (13:19):

He did. And to his credit, he's working about as hard as anybody could. Absolutely. Yeah.

Craig (13:25):

Yeah. But when you're in that mode, you don't realize he, I mean, he was addicted to video games for years. Yes.

Margaret (13:31):

And when it looks like everything is okay, and your partner is still there, you don't think about it.

Craig (13:36):

Yeah. But when you have some time to realize, Oh my gosh, the last three girlfriends I've had have said, I don't listen. What's going on with me. I haven't been listening to my partner. And then you realize I've got to fix this. How are you going to do it? What are you going to do differently? You've got to really reflect on that and improve in those areas. You know? Maybe you could look at ways you could be more social in your life. Maybe you've only spent your time with that one person and neglected your friends or family or other areas of your life.

Margaret (14:14):

Absolutely. Maybe it's the other way around, continue with your friends and kind of neglected your partner. All possibilities can happen.

Craig (14:21):

Another big thing that you could look at is what am I doing that I'm satisfied with my life, take an inventory. Where am I satisfied in my life? Where am I not satisfied in my life?

Margaret (14:34):

Well, and don't just beat yourself up, look for what's going right and what your strengths are. And then you can decide what changes you may like to make. That's a good point to reevaluate what you want and your values and so forth and so on.

Craig (14:48):

Yeah. You might want to use this as a time to take some risks and use those opportunities to grow and learn new things that may be you haven't been willing to do before. You know, a lot of times people take a look at things in a, like, you know, I've thought about going back to school for years. Right. I wasn't motivated enough to do it. Now. I'm getting in school, I'm focused on a career or a business or something like that. But you know, it's understandable that you probably aren't going to feel very motivated, especially in the beads,

Margaret (15:21):

Not in the beginning, because it's going to take all your energy to try and deal with this shock to your system. Yep. Yep.

Craig (15:26):

But even if you can do something small, it could be meaningful.

Margaret (15:30):

Absolutely. And it can encourage you to move further

Craig (15:33):

A new hobby or just trying something new. I remember that when the Applebee's girl broke up with me, I wanted to learn a couple of dishes and learning how to cook a few different meals. And so I had my mom teach me to cook some meals that I didn't know how to do. And that made me feel good. I mean, it was not a huge thing, but I still remember what those two meals were off the top of my head, the two main ones that I asked her to help me with. Different routines can be helpful. Maybe you realize, you know, you stay up too late on the phone and you don't have a good, healthy sleep routine or exercise or eating routine. All of those are little things that can make you feel better and focus on becoming a healthier version of yourself. So when your ex either comes back or you start dating other people, you're going to look a lot more attractive.

Margaret (16:27):

Absolutely. Right. And don't forget to be nice to yourself. We're so well, programmed to beat ourselves up and people tell us, they go over every phrase, every word they ever said, wondering, which was the one that put their partner off. And it's probably not just one phrase at all, but find your strengths too.

Craig (16:47):

Yep. Absolutely. Because when you start doing these things, people are going to notice. Your friends are going to notice, your family is going to notice. They're going to be happy with seeing you do something positive because I really think there's nothing more motivating than a breakup. Right. And I know it's been, you know, the times in my life where I was absolutely laser-focused on the personal growth and bettering myself and so use this as an opportunity because I promise you very few of your exes will do as much work as the dumpee is. Right. Right. The dumper is very rarely motivated like the dumpee is right.

Margaret (17:31):

As they've been in control and the dumpee hasn't been, and the dumpee is going to say, I don't want this to ever happen to me or anybody else again. Yeah.

Craig (17:38):

Yeah. So use that to your advantage, knowing that whatever's going on in your ex's life, the motivation that you do, if you're really consistently making an effort, even if it's just a little bit every day, it's probably going to be far more than they do a couple months down the road, three months down the road, six months down the road, whatever it is, you know? Absolutely. Because exes do come back all the time and you know, sometimes even after years. Absolutely.

Margaret (18:09):

And I'll hear, I haven't heard from them for three weeks. I know it's over. Oh, it could be three months, three years. Absolutely.

Craig (18:16):

In fact, I heard from somebody recently that I hadn't heard from him in about two and a half years. So, and it was interesting Margaret and I talked about it and you know, there was probably more to it than what was on the surface, but it shows you that people come back all the time, just stay focused on yourself and being the best version of yourself and it's a, win-win either way. And those are some strategies to make sure you're going to get your ex back the right way. And of course, we're here for coaching. And if you want to get our help, personally, all you have to do is go to my website, AskCraig.net, sign up for the option that you prefer.

No Contact Works on Everyone

Today we're going to be talking about no contact works on everyone. So this is a big topic, Margaret. Yes, it is. You know, obviously no contact is something that many people will discuss in breakups. We understand there are a lot of people that talk about breakups out there, not even just online, but you know, maybe people that run local coaching services and such like that. So no contact. We're going to talk about our version of No Contact and kind of review it and get into this because it's really essential to understanding what it means, why you're supposed to do. And does it work on everyone? Well, the answer isn't as simple as yes or no, but I think you'll find it interesting what we have to say about that. Right. I got a quick email before we start.

Craig (01:41):

I want to get to from a fan that just said, hi Craig, I've been watching all the breakup expert out there for a few weeks and have to say you and Margaret are by far the best. Well, thank you very much, whoever you are. I am in therapy to help me cope with my breakup and it helps, but you both are even much better than they are. How do I explain this Margaret? Well, I think the only thing we can say is that at this point in our lives, we focus pretty exclusively on this particular phenomenon. Exactly. And your general therapist may have to deal with six different problems during the day. That's true. And you know, it's like anything, any career in life, not everybody is equal. No, you're not going to have doctors that are equal or dentists or lawyers, Margaret and I are very passionate about what we do and helping you guys and always continuing to learn and educate ourselves to get better at this.

Craig (02:38):

So we focus on breakups right now. And so we know the ins and outs of it, and we see what happens on a daily basis. Whereas the therapist might only come into a breakup situation once every couple of months and they don't know how to navigate, but I was happy to hear that you said it was helping. Absolutely. Don't don't quit. Yes, exactly. They say you truly have helped me change my life in such a short amount of time. I bought myself the knowledge workbooks and it's my new year's resolution to get all 10 done. Wow. That's a big job. It is. It's about 500 pages, I think. And there's 94 videos covered in all 10. So that's a lot of work. Right? I have a topic that I was hoping you both could do a video on. I've seen some other videos that no contact works on everyone. Could you do your take on that topic? So we took that email. We decided to do a video for you. Okay. So first of all, let's talk about our version of no contact. Okay? We don't ever tell you guys to ignore an ex and they're harassing you. Okay. But in most situations, we're simply saying, stop reaching out to them. If they want to contact you, let them do it on their terms. Right.

Margaret (04:03):

As long as it's on their terms, it works. Don't chase it.

Craig (04:07):

We're not telling you to ignore them. We're not telling you to ignore them within a 30 day period or in what you've heard recently, a 45 day period. And if they reach out in that time that you have to ignore them, I do not agree with that at all. I think it's foolish. And I think it's naive to ignore somebody when they're making a bid to try and repair things with you.

New Speaker (04:32):

And bid, if you will is Susan Johnson's word, our friend, Susan Johnson from Canada to make a bid is to reach out, to connect emotionally, to have some kind of an interaction.

Craig (04:45):

And what you have to understand is that even though your ex feels like they have the power in this situation, or at least they did at the time of the breakup, if time has passed, they don't know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're doing. And then they actually become insecure and wonder if they should reach out that's right. And that's why I have come up with the term, the indirect direct approach, where they want to directly reach out to you by making some kind of contact with you. But they don't know how to say I miss you. Or I was hoping we could talk. They say, how's the cat? Or have I got a piece of mail for you? Yeah, I do. You have that car key, my extra car key. I hear all kinds of excuses, but the indirect direct approach, and this is really important that you understand it is a confusing thing.

Craig (05:50):

Okay? It's not, we've got to pay the mortgage this month. Okay. Some people get confused and like my ex me, because I have to split the car payment with them, is that them wanting to repair things? Not likely, no. If they have a business related issue like a bill or a mortgage or health insurance or something, they need to have contact with you. The indirect direct approaches are often head scratchers. Like you're, they're disguised so well. You're like, wait a minute. Is this a, because they really need the key back for the car. I actually had this one spare car key about a month ago with an avoidant and an avoidant woman said, I didn't want to reach out and say, you know, I want to see you. So they acted like it was about the car key, but it wasn't. If she was able to say that she told me that she was actually one of the most insightful avoidants that I've had.

Craig (06:45):

In fact, I had an equally impressive avoidant this past week, which we haven't set to talk about, but I'm hoping they do a coaching with you because I was actually blown away by the amount of work they've done. And I told them that it was just, you can recover. And you know, guys, there are a lot of people out there that are avoidant that are on the channel now cause they were broken up with yeah. And they're changing their life. And if you're one of those people, share a comment. So people realize that avoidants can get motivated to change. And it's also helpful to let us know what worked for you.

Craig (07:22):

To review, we don't want you to reach out to somebody after they've broken up with you. That's our version of no contact, but we don't want you to ignore them. Okay. And we have no timeframes for any of it. Exactly. We don't believe in a 30 day or a 45 day window or something like that. Now why does no contact work on everyone? When I say that it does. Here's what I mean. Okay. It doesn't necessarily mean your ex is going to change your mind and want you back. However, what happens in many, many cases, I would say probably even most is if they have sat with their decision for some time and you're no longer chasing them and reaching out, they actually become the person that is scared that you have moved on. Right. Okay. Right. When that happens, they can't avoid the feelings of anxiety and that hard wired biological component that we have that when we're feeling disconnected from our partner, we feel that terror and we want to reach out quickly.

Craig (08:41):

Yes. So what you might even see is when your ex does reach out, if you don't reply right away, and maybe you wait three or four hours or even the next day or something like that, they might send you another message because then they are anxious. They're no longer in the driver's seat. And now they're like, Oh my God, I'm going to lose them. And I can't tell you how many times I've seen that, but it takes real patience and strength to get to that place. Because the hardest part about it is your ex might not reach out. Right?

Margaret (09:18):

What if, what if so-and-so never reaches out? We can't control that. You can only control what you do.

Craig (09:24):

Okay. But we really believe that allowing that person, the time to miss you and to regret things and then to think, Oh my gosh, they don't want me back. Ironically, it's like a switch. Right? And I see that a lot.

Margaret (09:43):

Right? It's a switch, right? The switch goes on

Craig (09:45):

And now it's like all of a sudden, the shoe is on the other foot and you're going to see your ex get anxious. Now that's not always gonna happen, but it does happen a lot because every situation is so unique. Your ex may only have a window of opportunity open for so long before they say, you know what? It's not going to work. They probably haven't changed. Right. So we don't want you to prolong things away, wait a week to reply or anything like that, because then your window of opportunity might be gone. Right. We just don't know. So this is a more of a general idea. So you can see that to some extent it does work on everyone because that feeling of anxiety can't be turned off. Nope.

Margaret (10:30):

It's, we're wired that way. And some people say, well, I don't know if he's thought of me in the entire month that we've been broken up. You can be sure he has. Okay. Or she has, they don't just say, Oh, well it was nice being with George or Georgina and I'll move on with my life. Now. We're not made that way we attach.

Craig (10:48):

Yes. And even, you know, you have to think about it. If they were upset and angry at you, maybe they were fed up with you because you had been continuing to do something that upset them, that anger subsides in time. Right. You know, not always because sometimes people say they have to move on, but in many cases it does subside. And then what happens? Their feelings change. Right. But if you're chasing them, if they think that they still have you, if you are stalking them and you're trying to do a handwritten letter or grand gesture, they know they still have you. And then they don't worry about you. Like they would, if you were just leave them alone.

Margaret (11:33):

And I've had many people say to me, well, what sense does it make to not have contact with somebody you want to return to you? It does make sense in another way. You want them to sit with their decision. Okay. As you have often said, people can feel like they want more space and make a to break up. And then in six weeks, six months or however long it takes, they begin to get anxious. They begin to realize this is more space from you than they wanted. And they will reach out to you.

Craig (12:05):

Yes. And there are many, many cases where your ex will break up with you to be with somebody else or start dating other people right away. And they think it's going to be amazing. They're posting social media. That it's amazing. I've even seen people get engaged and then it doesn't work out. And they usually return to the ex and revisit them. They take a look and they're wondering, have you changed, have their feelings for you changed? What would it be like to see you? A lot of times they think I'm over this person. I don't want them back. Then you say, Hey, why don't we get together? And you do. And you show them the side of yourself that they hadn't seen in a long time. And then they're like, you know what? I actually had a great time tonight and I hope I get to see them again. And then you take it from there. Right?

Margaret (13:01):

I talked with someone today who was having a hard time, trying to figure out how this makes sense, no contact to get them back sounds kind of crazy on the surface of it. Sure it does. But finally I said to her, every time he talks to you, he gets a fix and it takes care of his anxiety. So he's okay. Again, for a few weeks, don't give him that you want him to miss you and you want him to have to act on it. She finally, it finally became clear with her.

Craig (13:27):

Yeah. And when I tell you guys my suggestions on how handled things and I'm sure Margaret does too. I tell you from the perspective what I would do. Okay. You have to imagine, I deal with breakups all day, every day. And I'm telling you what I have found to be the most effective and what I would personally do if somebody did this to me. So you could imagine, of course, I'm going to try and put myself in the best position to turn things around if that's what I want. So I'm telling you what I would do here, what I found to be the most effective. And that's what I do when I'm navigating your situations. Is I think about how would I handle your situation if I woke up in your body and I'll tell you guys that I woke up in your situation tomorrow, what would I do? And this is what it is. And I would genuinely think about putting myself there, because if you can see how I would navigate it, you're going to say, okay, he knows what he's talking about. He's obviously dealt with this a lot. He's not going to do anything that's going to put himself in a bad position. Right? So by getting into your situation, it helps me navigate.

Margaret (14:34):

Sometimes when people say, I don't think that person has thought of me in the month, we've been broken up. I want to say, Oh honey, you're not that forgettable. And you're not that unlovable. Don't sell yourself short. If this person spent even months, you, they can't forget you in two minutes. Yeah.

Craig (14:54):

And I, I think it's important that we can't tell that to them too much. Right. Because I know what it feels like to go through that where, you know, when I was broken up with the, the Applebee's girl, for example, I didn't think she was thinking about me. And then I think a one call, I even remember saying to her, because at a certain time of the day I would always call her or when I got out of work and I would say to her, don't you think about me at this time every day when normally I should be calling? And she said, no, she said she didn't. And I believed her, but I don't now I don't believe her for one minute. No, no. At the time I thought, Oh my gosh, she really doesn't even think about me, but now I know she just didn't want to let her guard down. Right. She didn't want to tell me that

Margaret (15:39):

She didn't want to tell you herself. Yeah. But if somebody becomes that big a part of your life that they call you at the same time every day, you don't just forget that in minutes, whatever she said. No.

Craig (15:50):

And I really did believe it back then, but I mean, that was probably eight years ago now, a little over eight years ago. And so I didn't understand this stuff, but now I would know, first of all, I wouldn't have asked her because I knew, I know now she would just put her walls up. She's not going to want to tell me that because she's not going to want to lower her guard and then have me persue her.

Margaret (16:13):

And she didn't want to reinvest either

Craig (16:15):

At that time, which I did get an unusual, indirect, direct approach about which Margaret is actually there for me. I think the day that it happened. Yeah. I remember I, you know, it's so traumatizing. I literally remember where I was and what happened when I got that message. I can remember it. Exactly. And that was eight years ago. So, but then we talked about it and you know, now I understand it was an indirect, direct approach. He was revisiting, she was looking at me as she was, and I didn't handle it well, cause that's when I went to Applebee's and I was crying, but I did kind of know to go no contact. Right. And even back then, I did go no contact after my initial attempts with the grand gesture. And do you know, trying to talk to her about things wasn't working. And if I knew now,

Margaret (17:11):

Right. What you didn't know then

Craig (17:13):

Exactly. I would have been much more likely to turn it around and have another chance with it, but I've seen it time and time again. No contact works on just about everybody. It doesn't mean they're going to want you back. But at some point they're probably gonna think, you know what? I don't know if it was the right decision. Of course every situation is so different. So it's tough to say that, you know what I mean?

Margaret (17:42):

It's hard to know if it's the right decision. If you've been intimate with somebody and spent lots of time with them, it's a huge decision.

Craig (17:50):

I mean, if you've only dated somebody for three weeks, yeah. It's not going to be as powerful as if you dated somebody for three years. Right. And the key is, and I really believe this, that you focus on the personal growth and you act as if they are coming back. If you act as if you are going to have one more chance with them and you really put yourself in the position to become a much better version of yourself, when they do revisit, they're going to be blown away by the changes you've made.

Margaret (18:22):

And we see it over and over again.

Craig (18:25):

But even if they don't come back, think about how much you truly would have changed. And at that point you'll likely say, you know what? It's okay. And then you'll start dating other people and you've become so much more successful with understanding yourself. And you may attract healthier people. You will attract healthier people. Absolutely. Yeah. And so look at it from that angle, you stay in no contact. You allow them to reach out to you when they're ready, you focus and you obsess over the personal growth. If you're going to obsess about anything, don't obsess about them, obsess about how great you want this breakup to make you, right? And then when they do come back, you're either going to be in a great position to turn things around with them or you'll do great with other people. And other people will be like, who is this person?

Margaret (19:20):

Get your energy back. We're going to talk about that again. But you want to get your energy back. You need the energy for your own healing and your own growth and not to be obsessing about them. Obsessing takes energy. I've discovered.

Craig (19:32):

Oh, it's exhausting. Yeah. It really is exhausting. And it's just exhausting. Cause you can't feel like you can turn it off at all at work.

Margaret (19:43):

No, no contact. No. And even our chemical system says, no, it's not a good idea. You better go find those lost people, that lost person that's right. But you can't do it. And it's terribly difficult. And I can see people's faces change. When I say to them, I think you'd be better off with no contact. Like no contact. You know, how can that work? I know it sounds crazy. We know it sounds crazy

Craig (20:07):

Simply just not reaching out. Okay. If you're not reaching out and they're choosing you in their life, think about what that tells you. They're choosing you again. Okay. And that's exactly what you want. If they're ending this, then you want them to choose you again. Now of course, every situation is so different and there's a million different factors. So it can be tricky to put out a general video at times, but we know you guys obsess over certain things and we try and educate you the best that we can in a general way, we get specific in certain videos. But this is a video that I know a lot of you are going to wonder about.

No Contact and The Power of Time

Today we're going to be talking about the power of time and no contact. Yep. A good big topic, a big topic that all of you guys are constantly wondering about and thinking about. And so we're going to go through this thoroughly today, cause we understand how difficult it is to be in no contact. I've done it. I've done it for long periods of time and I know how scary it is and I know how much anxiety you're going through and how overwhelming it can feel. Right? So we are going to be talking about how powerful no contact really is, but the importance of time with no contact. Okay. No contact is not going to be powerful for three days. Okay. Or two weeks. Yeah. Sometimes it takes quite a bit of time to get your, your ex to a place where they're really missing you and regretting the situation.

Craig (01:51):

And we know that it's very scary where you feel like, well, it's hopeless. Maybe they're not coming back. It's been a couple of months. I still haven't heard from them. But attachment is very, very powerful. Yes. So I want to go through a bit about the breakup and all the things you guys are going through thoroughly. So we kind of get you on the same page as us. Okay. So somebody breaks up with you. And a lot of times we are absolutely shocked. We had no idea it was coming, right. That happens all the time. And they say they don't want to be with you anymore. And what is the first thing, we're overwhelmed with shock. We can't believe it. And sometimes it happens when you're in a great relationship. Like I talked about with the Applebee's girl, I thought the connection that we had was amazing.

Craig (02:46):

We were happy and I didn't think we would ever break up. And so we have no idea that it's coming. Now sometimes some of you guys are in situations where the situation was actually rocky and there were points where you even considered breaking up with them, but you didn't, you stuck through it and you thought, you know, I want to work this out. I love this person. And you're kind of sitting here now thinking, "I didn't break up with them when we had problems and now they're leaving me" and it's really upsetting.

Margaret (03:16):

Oh yes. The whole thing is terribly upsetting. People have panic attacks. They don't eat, it's awful

Craig (03:23):

No, absolutely. And we're going to get to that in a minute. But initially what happens is we desperately want to repair the bond immediately and we don't care what we say, what we do, what we have to do. We will literally do just about anything to have another chance. And I know what that feels like. Um we, we do the begging, the pleading, the screaming and the grand gesture, the handwritten letter, all of that stuff. Right. We do it all. But you have to realize that. I think in most cases the breakup was planned by the other person. Sure. They've thought about it for awhile. Yeah. Whereas you had no idea now. Sometimes a breakup does happen after a fight. You know, you have a big fight and somebody just says, I can't do this anymore. I'm done. But I think in most cases the person had been thinking about it and you had no idea. Right. And that can be really confusing. So, you know, they tell you, they don't want to do this anymore. And you're thinking, this is like a split decision. And you're in panic mode.

Margaret (04:37):

That is the first thing like shock and like panic. Yeah.

New Speaker (04:40):

Basically your brain is hijacked. Your amygdala has been taken and has taken over everything. Right? So what happens then? You're telling them, please don't do it. You're crying. You're screaming. Please I'll do anything. Give me another chance. Give us another chance. And they just put up that wall and they get ice cold.

Margaret (05:06):

Right. And that's to help them distance.

Craig (05:10):

Yep. Cause they don't want to change their mind there.

Margaret (05:15):

And we hear people say, how could my partner get so cold? So fast? Well, they're struggling to do this.

Craig (05:21):

Yeah. And as you may have heard me say, when I was going through that, I felt like the water was representative coming out of the faucet was her love. And then she turned it off and there wasn't another drip, not another drip no. So that's what it felt like for me. So after that doesn't work, we kind of go home, go back to our place if we're not living with them. And we're trying to like pull ourselves together, trying to figure out what's going on. And we kind of come to terms like we have to leave them alone. We're like, I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to leave them alone.

Margaret (05:56):

What we hear all the time. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to them, but I don't know what to do.

Craig (06:01):

I just want to convince them to give us another chance I did that. I did that with the Applebee's girl. I remember going to her house and sitting across from her at the table and telling her, I don't understand. I love you. I can't believe you want to end this relationship. It doesn't make any sense to me. And so, you know, I've been there and then it's awful because you can't sleep. Okay. You can't eat. Your appetite is gone. Completely gone. You get diarrhea. You're you know, getting up three, four times a night with stomach aches everything physical that people throw up cold sweats. I used to get cold sweats.

Margaret (06:42):

Yes. But you know, powerful emotion can, can absolutely affect us physically. Yeah. Yeah. And just like kids, you know, who always have a stomachache and can't go to school the next day we get the stomach ache too. Yeah. Yup.

New Speaker (06:54):

Now there's a reason that we're talking about this because I want you to see that power of what happens to us with attachment. Okay. Your ex is not exempt from attachment,

Margaret (07:07):

No matter how cold they look when they walked away and no matter how many nosy, third parties are telling you, they look really happy now. They're not right. They're attached to you too.

Craig (07:21):

Exactly. So then you first, you've got all these physical symptoms. You're sick. You can't sleep. You can't eat. Your brain is constantly going back to your ex, what do I have to do? How can I fix this? How can I get another chance? And the obsessive, relentless and intrusive thoughts don't stop. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. I talked about like the pain in my chest. I felt like there was a giant gaping hole in my chest,

Margaret (07:54):

These physical pains and your heart was removed.

Craig (07:56):

Yeah. And there's just an empty cavity where my heart used to be. So then you got all of these feelings, so you can't think about anything but them where they're at, who they're talking to, what's going on. And literally every second away from them feels like an eternity. Think about it. Had you broken up with them, they would be experiencing this as well. That's my point is that we can't turn this off. Now, right now, we're the ones that are feeling it. Right. But the point is, is that when you leave people alone, they can have these feelings too.

Margaret (08:41):

Believe it or not. I know many people find it difficult to believe. Well, they turned so cold the last time I've talked to them. I can't believe they have any feelings for me. Yes they do.

Craig (08:51):

They hide it.

Margaret (08:52):

They put up the wall to do it. To do the breakup.

Craig (08:55):

Exactly. Yes. For whatever reason. Cause every situation as to why they ended it is different. Right. But I need space. Yes. They need, they need to be left alone. And when you leave them alone, that's when they start to have some of the symptoms that you have. Now, they're not going to tell you that they're anxious or they're stressed out or they can't stop thinking about you. Usually they do like a small little thing when they finally do reach out. Right. But even though they're acting like they're completely fine, their walls are up. They're not thinking about you. They are, they are. Yes, they are. And we get dumpers that do calls with us because they broke up with somebody and then they start to have all of the symptoms that the dumpy had when they reached out to the dumpy. And the dumpy was like, you know what? No, I don't want to do this. You see? And then the shoe goes on the other foot. Yeah.

Margaret (09:55):

And sometimes people almost forget who did the breaking up and you have to remind them, but excuse me, you broke up with her.

Craig (10:02):

Exactly. Yes. It's very interesting that, that some people do forget about that. So then what do you do? You're going through all this suffering. You're miserable. You can't stop thinking about it. And then you go to friends and family for advice. I've done it. Right. I would talk to everybody and anybody that would talk to me about the breakup advice,

Margaret (10:23):

Did you get terrible advice?

Craig (10:25):

Mixed advice, move on. Just move on. You know, they were in my particular situation, at least in the Applebee's one. They were very confused. Who literally her friends and family or friends and family couldn't believe it either. And they were like, I don't, I don't know what to tell you, Craig, like we didn't, we didn't know. We had no idea. So you get conflicting advice. One friend says this, your parents say send them flowers. Somebody told me that today send her flowers. Then the other one says go to her job. So don't do that. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's bad. But you can't stop thinking about it. Then you've got conflicting advice all over the internet of what to do, send them a good reminder text. Send them the handwritten letter.

Margaret (11:18):

Oh yes. It's a good reminder. Reminds him of some good times you had together. Remember the day we went to the beach and we had just the best time.

Craig (11:25):

Yeah. But you have to realize nothing is more powerful than attachment. Nothing is more powerful than love. And we want them to get to the point where they're regretting it and telling them a good reminder text doesn't sit there and make them regret it. Okay. One stupid little good reminder doesn't make them regret their breakup. It's ridiculous. Okay. Yes, it is. It is ridiculous.

Margaret (11:56):

I agree. I agree. And then there are the people who would say, you know, think of all the bad things about them, you know?

Craig (12:04):

Yeah. I mean, if you're thinking about the bad things of, I suppose, it's trying to get you to move on, but I don't know how it's gonna, it's not going to help you. Yeah. So you're going through all these symptoms on a daily basis. And every second, every hour just feels like an eternity and it feels like absolute torture. But the reality is, is that it takes time away from you away from the situation before they regret it. There is a lot of power in that time and space away from them. Right. Margaret, can you help them understand the importance of the time?

Margaret (12:45):

I know. And of course the first question we get is, well, when do you think I might hear from him or her? Well, and what I'll say is I don't have a crystal ball. I look at the length of time you've been together and the quality of the relationship. And if it was really good, then chances are eventually you will hear from them again, why shouldn't you contact them? Because you want to give them a chance to grieve. And even the person who did the breakup, okay. Who had to work up to it, had to get cold toward you to do it. They're going to grieve if you've been together for any length of time. And if you've cared about each other, they go through a grief process too. And that's when the third party always shows up and said, I heard from so-and-so that she's talking to this guy or that guy. And she looks very happy. Please try not to obsess about that because it may or may not be true. And it just doesn't tell you anything.

Craig (13:42):

It only tells you a little bit. It only tells you that in that moment, they may have been happy, but that doesn't mean they're not stalking you on social media and wondering what you're doing, wondering what's going on with you. And they often appear very confident with their decision. They really do

Margaret (13:59):

Well. The initial response to making the decision is relief. They felt like for whatever reason, they had to do it and they did it. So initially they're relieved that they got it over with. However, the tension will build up again, as they begin to grieve you. And there are stages of grief. The first one is shock. We've already covered that one. And then there's the process where you begin to sort of assess the reality of what's happened here. Oh, this person is more out of my life than I might've wanted. 

Craig (14:34):

Or that what was bothering them about the relationship was not as bad as they, it had felt for them at the time.

Margaret (14:41):

Right. And they may feel better. Feelings can change very quickly. Okay. When we have time to process, all right, but we live in an age of instant everything. And it's unfortunate that we've lost a sense of process. So people have to go through whatever it takes them to break up with you. And then they begin to realize that although they felt relieved at first, the tension is building for them and they're beginning to feel anxious. And they're beginning to miss you and common things during the day, make them think of you. And they really have urges to call you, but they don't want to do it cause they're the ones who broke up. And they go through all of this process and processes don't happen instantly or quickly, any more than breakups do. Okay. Anybody who breaks up with you has done a whole process of making this decision and they'll have to do a whole process of dealing with having made it and weeks or months is what we're talking about here. Yeah. I talked with someone recently and he wanted to know how many days. And of course I couldn't tell him that, but every now and then there are the sort of idle contacts. You know, you have a brief contact with somebody on social media or whatever, and that relieves your ex's anxiety. And that is not what you want to do. You want your ex to sit with the consequences of what they have done.

Craig (16:09):

Exactly. Like the feelings that you have, those overwhelming fears of anxiety that you're going to lose them to somebody else, all of those things. We want them to have to experience that as well, but it's not going to happen when you're writing them a handwritten letter

Margaret (16:27):

Or texting them periodically or doing any of those.

Craig (16:30):

It just doesn't work like that because then they don't really go through the same thing that you're going through. Right.

Margaret (16:37):

And people will say to me, well, why can't, why can't I just have a brief contact with them. Well you can, you're a grownup. You make your own decision. But if you want them to begin to feel what you're feeling, don't because it's a little fix, you know?

Craig (16:51):

Yeah. But they, they are going to have doubts. They're just not going to be clear about those doubts. They're going to have doubts by themselves. They're going to have doubts when they lay their head on the pillow at night or when they go out with this new, great person and they're doing things to annoy them already. They're going to think about you. Of course. Okay. And they're going to wonder where you're at and what you're doing. It's normal. And even if you don't know it, they're going to be but if you keep pushing them, they're gonna keep raising the walls and it's going to be even harder.

Margaret (17:24):

Yeah. Putting up their defenses more, as hard as it is to leave them alone. That's what you have to do.

Craig (17:30):

Exactly. So a lot of information out there is really bad. Ignore your ex, if your ex contacts you within 30 days, ignore them. No, we're not telling you to do that. We would never tell you to ignore your ex. Some people will say, well, it depends upon the reason that their ex is contacting you. No, no. If your ex is making a bid to repair this, that's exactly what we're looking for is for them to make any kind of effort to have you in their life. And you know, a lot of times they do what I have taught the indirect direct approach. I was wondering how your cat was doing today.

Craig (18:10):

I had somebody tell me that their ex contacted them and said, do you have my curling iron? And then a few hours later, she texts back, Oh, I have it over here. Of course she had, she knew that it wasn't his house. It was just an excuse to contract.

Margaret (18:27):

And what do we call that?

Craig (18:29):

The indirect direct approach.

Margaret (18:31):

People remember that very well. Yeah. Indirect, direct approach. I wasn't calling to have contact with you. Yeah.

Craig (18:36):

Yeah. but it takes time for the situation to change. It takes time for the person to go through the processing, to go through the grieving, to getting to the place where they miss you in their life. And they think, Oh my gosh, you're not coming back for me anymore. You're not chasing me anymore. You're not trying to get me back anymore? And then they start to think, Oh my gosh, I'm going to lose you. And it's, that is so powerful because that is love. That is attachment. And you can't turn that off, right?

Margaret (19:11):

Yeah. Even if you try, let me raise a question that I often hear his or her birthday is coming up in about two weeks. What do I do?

Craig (19:21):

You gotta leave them alone. Yeah. You gotta leave them alone, but it's their birthday. Yeah. I hear, I know. It's so hard. It's so hard. It's so hard. I had a guy a couple months ago that he didn't reach out for the ex's birthday. And that is when she actually got upset and thought, Oh my gosh, have you moved on for me? And she literally called him and asked him, have you moved on? Because he didn't reach out for the birthday. Right. And that's what we're trying to teach. When we say no contact, it's simply not reaching out. We want to connect. We want to reconnect, but we want it to be their idea. That's the key is they're the one reaching out.

Margaret (19:59):

You're the one breaking up and they're the ones who have to make a decision about contacting you. Yeah.

Craig (20:03):

So when you hear people telling you to ignore your ex for a certain amount of time or to ignore them when they reach out, I would not recommend that at all. And I'd question, anybody's understanding about how to repair a situation when you're ignoring somebody, who's making a bid to try and repair it with you. Right? I mean, it's just very frustrating to see that happen. And I see situations where like, people had an opportunity with their ex, but they were like, Oh, I was told to ignore them, but why they're reaching out to you? I don't understand why would you want to ignore them? So allow them to regret their decision. Dumpers, do regret their decisions. Margaret say it with me, dumpers, do regret their decision. And we know how comforting it is to hear that. And I've been there. I see it all the time.

Margaret (21:01):

And then we get the" yeah, buts," but I heard, but I heard, but I heard I know she's moved on. I know he's moved on already. No, you don't.

Craig (21:11):

Yeah. Look, not everybody's going to get a chance to get their ex back. We would never say that it's simply not the case. Every situation is unique and different in their own way. And some of you will get a chance. Some of you won't, but we want to prepare you the best way that we can. And if you have the mindset that you'll get another opportunity and you stay positive and you stay focused on that personal growth and becoming a better version of yourself, it's going to keep you in the right mindset for if they do reach out. And if they happen not to reach out, look at all the growth you've done. Look at how much more likely you're going to be improved in your future relationships and look at how much better your life is going to be. It's a win, win.

Margaret (21:57):

I heard somebody say just the other day, but it's been three weeks. You must have moved on, but it's been three months. They must have moved on. No, Nope. We can't estimate the amount of time it may take.

Craig (22:09):

No. And sometimes, you know, when you guys ask me, I will give my gut instinct. Sometimes I do too. You know, we don't know, but I will tell you, okay, in my experience, this is how long I think it'll be for your situation. But, you know, I don't act like I definitely know. I'm just saying, this is what my gut would tell me for you.

Margaret (22:33):

And that's what I would say as well. And people handled that quite well. And I've had people say to me, I'm sure you get this question all the time. Yes. And all I can do is look at the length of time you've been together and the quality of the relationship.

Craig (22:45):

Yup. Yup. Yup. And what's going on with that person? Why they broke up with you? Why they left the relationship? You know, how long has it been? Right.

Margaret (22:53):

Okay. The reasons did they give you,

Craig (22:55):

We break down and we look at all the different scenarios and all the different, you know, reasons that this didn't work. And you know, obviously we've done this for so long that we have a better understanding of what we see in situations like yours. So just understand leaving someone alone and allowing them to miss you is very powerful, but it takes time for that to happen. And so you want to really stay focused on what you're trying to achieve here and that's becoming the best version of yourself. And so that way, if they reach out, you are ready because I hate it when you guys are focused on the wrong things during no contact. And then they reach out and you just are completely shocked and you make a million mistakes. Yup. And that does happen. Yes, it does. And it's sad. And it's tough to see.

Craig (23:53):

I mean, I had a call with somebody this week that he had gotten his ex back and then he gave up on doing the work and wound up losing her. He got back with her and they broke up last, like spring. Then they were together and they broke up, I think just about a month ago. And I think I did the call with him yesterday. And so he didn't really make the changes on himself. Now he's in therapy now he's working on himself. Now he's doing the workbooks. And he's really hoping for another shot at this, which I think he probably will, based on what was going on for him. But, you know, I hate seeing a situation where somebody didn't focus on the right things in no contact. And they focused on the wrong thing where they don't watch the communication videos. You guys don't watch the videos on attachment styles or grieving or individuation.

Margaret (24:46):

Or personal growth stuff. Yeah. Yeah. There's no quick fix. Yeah.

Craig (24:54):

Right. Take a deep breath. Just realize that many of you are in situations where your ex is going to need some time and leaving them alone is a very, very powerful thing. And they won't realize what you're doing as long as you don't tell them. Right.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind During NO CONTACT? Will Your Ex Forget About You?

Today we're going to be talking about, out of sight out of mind. Well, I think that is a huge misconception. I just want to start with that but I think many people that, you know, even maybe advice that you see online, you'll hear things like out of sight, out of mind, there's one particular dating coach that I find extremely unhelpful. I won't name names, but their approach is very aggressive and in your face and almost gets you terrified that if you're not in your ex's face, they're going to stop thinking about you. They're going to move on. And I think it comes across as very toxic and hostile almost it's so aggressive or avoidant. I mean, it would scare you to death and you'd back off faster. Yeah. But this idea of out of sight out of mind is something that I think is a major misconception about human beings, right?

Craig (01:50):

When it comes to attachment, when we form a bond and emotional connection with somebody, we on some level, keep that bond forever. It goes on in our unconscious forever. It may not be as intense or the desire may not be there to be with that person, but you don't forget people that you truly bonded with. Right. Right. You want to hear about my Adam theory? Yes. I've read not all that long ago. And I don't claim to be an expert on this, but not long ago, someone who was writing about attachment, it's an article. I was reading talked about how Adam's work and if two atoms are attached to each other, at any point, they always, always are attracted to each other again and have something in common and have some connection. Okay. And the person was trying to say, so it is with human beings that once you've really had a connection with someone, it doesn't go away.

Craig (02:53):

No, it doesn't go away. And the reason that we're talking about this is that, you know, talk a lot about when somebody ends a relationship, not contacting them and respecting their decision and that we both understand that is absolutely terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. It might be one of the scariest things that you have to do or feel like you have to do in your life. And I understand that because I've been in that place, I've been in that situation where I had to do that and not knowing if it's the right decision is, you know, it's really scary. If I stop reaching out, they're going to forget me. They're going to forget all about me if I'm not reaching out, out of sight, out of mind.

Craig (03:42):

Margaret, do you have any idea where this concept may have even come from?

Margaret (03:47):

I think there's another early process. Of course, that has to do with that. And that is that again, if we are nurtured and cared for enough as little ones, eventually we learn to hold on to kind of a snapshot of mom so that when we're left alone or in our crib or our bed or whatever. And we don't see her and she's not near us. We can call up what her face looks like or remember what her voice sounds like. Yeah. Okay. So there is a way we can kind of take people with us. Yeah. And even though we're often not aware of it, most of us adults calm ourselves down somehow by getting back in touch with that, now we don't have time to do that in a split second, nor are we terribly aware of it. But if you've not had the experience of being able to do that, I'm sure you would believe everywhere in your heart that this person's just going to forget.

Craig (04:46):

It probably came from somebody that has an anxious attachment style and they were thinking, and that was their ultimate fear out of sight, out of mind. And for some reason it became a mainstream thought or process maybe amongst the anxious people.

Margaret (05:05):

Right. And it certainly was not a big idea with anybody who was into the unconscious because not much is out of mind.

Craig (05:14):

But you know, it's important to understand that when we form this bond, it's not just the, the thought of, "I love this person". It's a real connection that hits us on deep levels. And that just doesn't, you never kind of stop caring about them. I care about people that I dated many years ago and you know, it doesn't mean that I would date them again, but I certainly wouldn't forget them. I could call up their voice. Right. And if, if you're really struggling to call up their voice, I had somebody tell me this week, they couldn't call up their ex's voice, right. Then you probably had a massive trauma with your caregivers.

Margaret (05:59):

Sometimes it's helpful to look at a picture in order to be able to grieve because grieving is difficult If you can't call up the person's picture and or voice. That's interesting. Yeah. Sometimes it's helpful to look at a picture, even though it will make you sad, it may help you grieve. And I realized that after working with families who were too crazy to have people have time to internalize the picture of mom and so forth and so on. And I realized that they couldn't grieve. And finally it occurred to me to ask them to bring in the family album and that would do it. They would get to see the pictures of the lost people and so forth. And sometimes that would help them be able to grieve.

Craig (06:42):

And that makes me think of clients that I've worked with even many years ago, locally, that kids that I worked with had never met their father, never even seen a picture of their father and their behavior was just outrageous. They couldn't calm themselves down. They were extremely, I remember one kid was so hyperactive. Right. He had never seen his father never even seen a picture. Right. So how could he grieve that? Yeah.

Margaret (07:11):

And I've heard many people say, well, out of sight, out of my father, isn't involved. And I would say, no, you're supposed to have two parents watch TV for five minutes. You find that out. This is a huge issue always. Right. And if mom is willing to give up the information, sometimes she is sometimes she isn't, it's a huge help for this kid to know as much as he can know, because he has degrees.

Craig (07:32):

Yeah. So out of sight, out of mind is it's very helpful to know that when you're in no contact, you're leaving your ex alone. You're allowing them to sit with the decision. You're allowing them to start to wonder if it's the right idea. They're not going to forget about you. On their end, they're going to think about you. It depends upon what particularly happened in your relationship. Why it ended the circumstances, all of that is going to affect that. But at the end of the day, they are going to think about you.

Margaret (08:09):

Yes they are. And you hear people often say too, "well, did they ever love me? Maybe they never loved me. And they just kind of strung me along." No, they wouldn't have stayed around as long as they did. Okay. So they did have some genuine feeling for you and know they're not going to forget you, even if they want to.

Craig (08:26):

Yeah. And one of the things that is so difficult about being in no contact is you're constantly obsessing about if they're thinking about you, have they moved on, will you, will you ever hear from them again? And every minute feels like an eternity. Right?

Margaret (08:48):

And I think that's a great observation because anytime we're talking about anything that relates to unconscious material, it's important to remember that the unconscious doesn't do time. Everything is forever and everything is blissful. And so, it can slow down and seem like forever and time can get all this story and you're not going crazy. That's just kinda how it works.

Craig (09:13):

So it's awful because let's say you're sending there for 10 minutes by yourself. You might have a hundred thoughts about where are they at? What are they doing? Where are they looking at their social media, looking at their Facebook, obsessing about the last argument, obsessing about the last things they said to you, wondering if they're ever going to reach out wondering if they still care about you. And it just feels like that 10 minute period feels like an entire day. Yeah, sure. And I can remember literally sitting in my room after the Applebee's breakup in particular on the bed and just not being able to stop thinking about it. Just, I couldn't think about anything else. I, I couldn't even be distracted by a video game or TV or anything. I just was staring at old messages or, you know, obsessing about, will they contact me today? It's been three days and it just feels like an endless, you're trapped in this endless time and moment of uncertainty and fear and just being fearful.

Margaret (10:28):

Terrified. Yes. Being separated always is scary. Yeah.

Craig (10:32):

Yeah. But it's just, this moment feels endless. If that makes sense.

Margaret (10:36):

It does. You were talking about endless moments when we talk about the unconscious, this feeling must be forever too. The bliss thing didn't work out, but this abandonment thinks seems forever.

Craig (10:46):

Yeah. And the other thing that you probably think, and I know I was thinking, this is that, you know, "was our relationship meaningless to them". Right. And you start to obsess about it. Did they ever even care about me? How could they do this to me? I don't understand how could they want this connection, this dynamic that we had to go away, you know, especially if you're in a relationship where you're getting along so well and you know, you thought it was relatively healthy relationship, you know, then it's just like, you're, you can't even find faults. You're not, you know what I mean? You're just like, I don't even usually get angry at them. You know,

Margaret (11:28):

It feels like a physical wound, almost

Craig (11:31):

Pain is physical. It can be literally physical. It physically hurts for me. And, as I worked on understanding breakups more and more and how it relates to our attachment. I understand that the anxiety that I was feeling after my breakup was very similar, the anxiety I had as a kid. And I didn't understand that, that, you know, because my mom and dad were split up when I was about a year and a half old, and my dad left my mom to be with another woman. My mom had a lot of anxiety or so I can imagine. And so she was very stressed out about the bills and not being able to afford the house. And She was afraid that my dad would take me away. She would catastrophize.

Margaret (12:24):

The woman has to be a nervous wreck. So you picked that up, babies, pick it up,

Craig (12:29):

I absorbed all that anxiety. And then, you know, having to physically leave to be at my dad's house around a stepmother that I didn't like. And I got those, you know, we talked about me having the intuition that she wasn't good. And I think, you know, she probably has several diagnoses

Craig (12:55):

But when I had to go over there, I would cry all the time. I would cry on the weekends. I would cry being away from my mom,

Margaret (13:02):

I was going to say, you probably worried about your anxious mother, kids worry about parents. Sure.

Craig (13:08):

And I, you know, having to go there on the summer, I would go to camp and, you know, looking at it now, it was a really nice camp. They had go carts and swimming and all kinds of fun arts and crafts. And it was probably a wonderful camp, but I would literally be sick every morning. They would want us to go swimming. First thing in the morning, I would have earaches. I wouldn't, I would be crying at camp. I would, I would want to go home.

Margaret (13:36):

I also think the water would be cold first thing.

Craig (13:40):

And so it was so traumatic for me being away from my mom. And so I experienced a lot of the same symptoms, you know, as an adult, going through my breakup

Margaret (13:54):

And thank you for sharing that, Craig, that's generous of you. And that's exactly what happens that if we have early separations, the separation and adulthood calls, all that stuff.

Craig (14:04):

Yeah. So I think, you know, people that are more secure and had a healthier childhood and connection with their parents, the breakups aren't as painful to them 

Margaret (14:17):

Still painful, but not as, yeah,

Craig (14:19):

They are painful, but I'm just saying they probably don't experience it the same way because I, you know, like with trauma that it stays in the body. Right. You want to talk a little bit, you know, there's a book called the trauma the body keeps score.

Margaret (14:35):

The Body Keeps the Score. We'll do a whole thing on that one day, but the body, the body absorbs trauma. Yes, absolutely. So your body was anxious and it was no wonder you had earaches.

Craig (14:47):

Yeah. Probably very reflective of how I felt when was little being away from home and away from mom, is how I felt in the break actually. And I didn't understand that. I mean, how could I have known that? So many of you, if you, as you take a deeper look at your issues in your childhood, you may realize, Oh, I was sent to my grandma's house for two years or I was shipped off to another country

Margaret (15:15):

Right. And then you have to remind yourself, I don't have to go there now. I'm a, I'm a grown up and yes, I have all those feelings, but I don't have to go to another country. I don't have to go to my grandma's. I can stay right here. I'm a grownup now. And it's important to do that, to reorient yourself to the present. Yeah,

Craig (15:32):

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But I think it was for me, that timeless feeling of feeling devastated and separated and scared is what was coming out of my unconscious when I was in no contact and not reaching out to my ex.

Margaret (15:49):

Never have we said no contact was easy. No.

Craig (15:53):

We understand why the out of sight out of mind is so scary that your unconscious is like, "they're never going to come back. They're going to forget about me." Right. And that's just not the case.

Margaret (16:08):

Well, that makes me think of the movie home alone, which was a big hit and lots of people watched it and it probably speaks to a primal fear that the family will forget me and leave me behind. And they did. I watched it, the poor kid got left behind it's everybody's worst fear.

Craig (16:28):

Now the other thing is that what's so difficult is that usually the last interactions with an ex are, "I don't care about you. I don't want to talk to you anymore. This is over, I'm never going to give you another chance" because they're trying to separate from you and, and put that wall up. So they don't think you're going to keep manipulating them or trying to harass them or change their mind. Right. And so because those interactions, they they're. So even cruel at times, it's exasperating, the you're going to forget about me. Oh my gosh. If I don't do it,

Margaret (17:08):

She said, she's never gonna think about me again. That she's done with me. She's through with me. She's never given me another chance. So why should I think she'll ever think about me again? Yeah.

Craig (17:17):

But what happens is, as you leave them alone and they have some space to, you know, think about things, realize that the issue is may have not been as bad as they were feeling at the time or unhappy about certain things. Those issues aren't as intense for them, that all plays out in their unconscious, Margaret. And you wanted to talk about now they have the same,

Margaret (17:42):

They have the same unconscious responses that you do. So even if you did the breaking up, okay, you might feel at first, then you might feel a little better for a little while, but eventually it will catch up to you. And you're going to grieve this loss also. And you're going to wonder if you made the right decision and people say, well, if there are no contact, but I heard from that ubiquitously third party, you know, the third party that shows up everywhere and says, I saw so and so out at a bar. And they looked very happy with 12 new guys. Okay. You're always going to hear that one, but is your ex partner liable to go off and live happily ever after with the next person they meet,

Craig (18:21):

Not likely. It's very, very unlikely.

Margaret (18:24):

It may take them awhile to get around, to grieving the relationship with you, but they will. Okay. Yeah.

Craig (18:31):

And you know, we have this fear that they are going to see our ex as this amazing person, the way that we see them, but that often doesn't happen. And, you know, even like with the Applebee's situation with that girl, she thought she was going to date this new guy. And what did he do? He broke up with her to be with the girl that he really wanted to be with. Beaky buzzer wound up marrying that girl. Yeah, he was on a rebound is where he was. So, and what happened is the girl that he had longed for, for, for years saw that he got into a relationship with my ex. So that's when she finally wanted him because he became unavailable. And then the minute he had the opportunity, he dropped my ex and she told me that she admitted it. She came clean and said, you deserve to know this. So his rebound work in a way. Yeah. Yeah. but she told me that karma got me and you deserve to know,

Margaret (19:42):

Oh yeah, that was good of her.

Craig (19:46):

But you know, one thing that you said to me earlier is that even for them, the, the dumper that they're on some level insulted that the relationship

Margaret (20:03):

Are always insulted when our initial fantasy that this will be perfect and blissful doesn't work out. Absolutely never is a human being happy with the end of a relationship. Even if you, for whatever reason, think you need to end it. Yeah. You grieve too. You're shocked. And you grief too. Yeah.

Craig (20:23):

So have comfort in knowing that you are not going to be out of their mind, even if they, even, if they just said, I'm not going to think about him. I don't want him back. Even if they consciously did that, you're still gonna come up in their unconscious

Margaret (20:39):

And there's still going to be that favorite song you enjoyed that night

Craig (20:43):

Or the movies that you loved, or that hobby that you liked, you know, I'm sure they always saw that thing that you, no matter where they're going to go, you're going to come up. Right. You're going to come up in their unconscious it's it's inescapable. I'm sure that anytime any of my exes see like, like a star Wars movie coming out, they all know they're thinking of me. I know it. There's just no way they're escaping that. No, they can't just get it. And isn't that nice. Yeah. There are certain things they won't be able to escape. Like if I see a new Scooby doo movie come out, one of my other exes will come up or something. You know what I mean? Other things from other exes of when I see things that they enjoyed it come, they come up in my unconscious and that's okay.

Margaret (21:28):

And, and, you know, a good thing is if you can remember that you enjoyed the relationship for at least as long as it lasted and every time a loss comes up, you work through it a little further. Yeah.

Craig (21:38):

The point is, is that out of sight out of mind? No. No, we disagree. And that's why we go on and on about the unconscious, because we want you to understand why that is. Absolutely. So hopefully you found this video helpful.

3 Things you MUST Do in No Contact

Today we're going to be talking about three things that you must do in no contact. You know, when you're in a situation that you're not reaching out to your ex and you're really struggling, it can be very difficult and you are kind of all over the place. So we got three things here that I think are really big things that you have to do that you want to stick to while you're in a situation where if you're leaving somebody alone and you're trying to, you know, obviously if you want to work it out with them, you want to let them come to you. Right? But that time is so hard because every second feels like an eternity. But I got three things here that are really important. Okay. The first one is that you want to focus on understanding why the relationship didn't work out.

Craig (01:41):

That's a big one. Don't you think?

Margaret (01:43):

I don't know. She, she just got cold on me. I don't know what happened. Yeah. Okay. How do you do that? Yeah. How do you think about it? How do you go about thinking about it?

Craig (01:55):

Well, I would say, you want to think about where you guys had fights or arguments, disagreements.

Margaret (02:02):

What did you use to have fights about? What did you fight about? What did you disagree about? Right.

Craig (02:07):

Another big thing. I would say you want to look for is, was there something that this person kept saying they needed from you or asking from you repeatedly and you weren't doing it? Because that's telling you that they have this unmet need and they're trying to express it to you repeatedly. And you weren't meeting that, whatever it is, right. You were on your cell phone too much, or we didn't do vacations together. Or we spend too much time with your family and not enough with mine, whatever it might be. But you have to really think about what went wrong. Because if you don't know what went wrong, how are you going to fix it? Right.

Margaret (02:48):

You can't do it. And you know, it's nice if your partner can cooperate in that. Yeah.

Craig (02:55):

But a lot of times your ex doesn't really tell you the reason,

Margaret (02:58):

You know what I hear the most often? They said they needed space and that they had to focus on themselves.

Craig (03:04):

That's a big one. But usually those are the, like the generic reasons. There's no authentic reason there. Because a lot of times they feel like if they're telling you the real reason, then you're just going to try and say, "I'll fix that. I'll change that now. Well, if you just give me the chance, I'll do it." Right. But at that point, they're frustrated, it's too late. And you're trying to talk them into something when they don't want it.

Margaret (03:29):

But if you take a long, hard, honest look about, like you say, the things that somebody might have asked from you that you didn't do. And probably one of them is, you know, they weren't present enough. They worked too much. And when they were here, they were just on their phone. Yup. Those are big ones. Those are big.

Craig (03:47):

You have to know what happened. And obviously Margaret and I go into a lot of deep issues, looking at factors like individuation, mental health attachment styles, all the different areas that we explore that help you really look at your own situation and kind of put things together for what happened. Right. You know, you have to be willing to look at it. Yeah. You know, if you keep looking at this cliche stuff, that's out there, you're not really going to get to the meat of the problem. Right. You know, which is what you gotta do here. You know, you also want to think about how long they may have been unhappy. Right. You know, you might have a situation where your ex has been unhappy for months and they didn't tell you. Right. I had a situation today where the woman didn't tell him that she was unhappy and I think it was because she was afraid he would freak out. So she kind of was quickly navigating how to get out of the situation without telling him.

Margaret (04:51):

What was she afraid he'd do?

Craig (04:55):

I think she was afraid. Honestly, I think she had a lot of her own issues. And I think that she had a lot of trauma growing up. And so she's kind of maybe afraid of men's reactions,

Margaret (05:05):

Any risk rhat somebody might get out of control and really angry, scared, whatever.

Craig (05:10):

Yeah. So I think sometimes your ex or your, your partner doesn't want to tell you what's going on because they're not good with confrontation or they're not good with handling negotiation

Margaret (05:23):

And many people are not good at it.

Craig (05:25):

Yeah. but it's really important to understand where did this go wrong? What, what happened? What did you do that may have turned them off? What did they do that may have caused issues in the relationship? Cause both of you were responsible, you know, it's definitely not all on you, even though it feels like it. So you want to think about the reasons they gave you. Sometimes there's real authentic stuff there. Sometimes it's just the same BS where they just don't want to deal with something. Right. Right. But, you know, I think that's a big step in figuring out how to fix the situation. Yeah,

Margaret (06:00):

Absolutely. Well, you can't treat without a diagnosis. How's that?

Craig (06:05):

Okay. The next thing you want to do is after you've kind of spent time really looking at what happened, your mistakes, where it went wrong, when you had issues, all those things, you want to come up with a plan, right? Like what are you going to do to make it better? Why is it going to be better next time? How are you going to make sure that when you're in this situation next time, where that thing that you argued about 25 times doesn't become an argument again? Right, I mean, that's a tough thing to do is actually come up with a strategy and stick to it.

Margaret (06:38):

It's not easy. Yeah.

Craig (06:41):

But you know, you want to kind of imagine what it would be like when you get back together, like what are the scenarios where we did struggle?

New Speaker (06:50):

What kinds of things do you need to look out for? Yeah. What kinds of things do you need to do that you didn't do? Like talk to each other, which is the biggest one.

Craig (07:00):

I was always the kind of person to over prepare for things like I would, my anxiety would cause me to prepare an over-prepare. Right. Like, especially when I was doing standup comedy a lot and I would, you know, do a lot of shows and professional shows. I would be the one comic that would go over material again and again.

Margaret (07:21):

At least it's a constructive symptom. Yeah. It helped you work harder and better.

Craig (07:26):

Yeah. And that was one of the things that I would make sure that I was on point a lot of times, because I wouldn't know my material inside and out and I would practice it and I recite it. And you know, before a show or a big show, a lot of times I'd be outside pacing around going over my notes over and over and over again. But it kept me on point when the time came. And so I would over-prepare and that's what I want you guys to do because you know, you don't want to under prepare and then regret it. Right. It's better to over-prepare and be over. Yeah.

Margaret (08:06):

Yeah. And you feel more confident when you're doing that too. It'll keep you sharp.

Craig (08:10):

Yup. Right. Yeah. Cause then you'll imagine, Oh, I already felt like, yeah, I'm ready. And then you stay calm and you feel more confident, relaxed about it. Right. And here's the third biggest pointer and this is really important. Okay. You thought about what went wrong. You come up with a plan, maybe you've done a coaching with us and you've, or you've done the workbooks and you were working on all the skills. Yeah. Have to stick to that plan when you're in front of your ex.

Margaret (08:42):

Right. If you get the ex back, don't stop doing what you were doing. Right? Yeah.

Craig (08:48):

Stay motivated, stay watching the channel, stay committed to the personal growth. Don't go back to your old ways. You should see how many people I've seen that will, you know, do all the right things. And then they get so overridden by anxiety or emotions that their ex says or does anything to trigger them that they make a million mistakes go back to the same behavior.

Margaret (09:18):

So it's like, "well, I got, I accomplished my goal. I got him or her back. So now I can just relax again." Yeah. Oh, don't do that to yourself.

Craig (09:28):

I can guarantee that when the time comes, that when you get in front of your ex, your body is going to be overwhelmed with anxiety and you are going to want to start a five hour text conversation or stay on the phone with them for three hours and talk about everything. And all of the plans that I tell you. Like, if your ex reaches out, you want to set a date, you want to do this in person. I had somebody email me recently that they said, "Oh, my ex finally reached out and we've been texting for the last six hours."

Margaret (10:08):

There are some things you really need to do in person

Craig (10:14):

Six hours?! Why didn't you set a date with them? And it wasn't somebody that coaching with me, but I was just so like, Oh gosh, I know this is going to be gone before you even realize it, because they're going to know everything about you. That excitement of not having talked to you in months is going to be gone by the time you get together.

Margaret (10:34):

I had somebody say to me, very hesitantly, "maybe there are some things you shouldn't do over text." Yes. There were lots of things you shouldn't do over texts. Yeah. It's not as personal as being in the room with someone

Craig (10:49):

You're not trying to text your ex back. You're trying to get with them in person so they can remember what it's like to actually be in your presence and feel that energy and that connection that you had even from when you initially started dating, it's not going to help you to throw all that out. And that's what I'm saying is like, you didn't stick to the plan, right? The minute they reached out to you, you panicked, you came on too strong. You said he spent two hours or three hours on the phone. You spend all this time texting. When what you needed to do is get in front of them and show off all of these changes that you'd been working on for probably months. Yeah.

Craig (11:32):

Very disheartening for me to see to happen to you guys. You got to stick to the plan, right? Figure out what went wrong. Margaret and I are here to do that. If you don't do a coaching with us, you know, there's tons of information we have. Like, I don't even remember how many hundreds of videos at this point. Was it 700, 800 videos I don't ever, I don't even remember off the top of my head. We had the workbooks, You could do a call with us, but really assess what happened, what went wrong, figure out a plan for yourself or do one with us and stick to it when that time comes.

Margaret (12:07):

And personal growth feels good. Otherwise who would bother to do it? It really does. Yeah. It's exhilarating. You can get really excited. Yeah.

Craig (12:16):

Yeah. So so important that you stick to those strategies and then stay committed to the personal growth.

Craig (12:24):

Even after you get him back, I say, put yourself on probation for like nine months to a year. That's good. Because you know, I did a call with somebody today that got their ex back, gave up on the personal growth and six months later they're broken up again. Yeah, it is because he had done so much work. So near and yet, so far. Yeah. So very important. You stick to these kinds of strategies.

I Think About Breaking No Contact Every Day

Today we're going to be talking about: I think about breaking no contact every day. Oh dear. How difficult? Yeah. You know, it is difficult, you know, a lot of times when you're going through a breakup, you go online, you have no idea what no contact is. You come across all kinds of coaches with all kinds of ideas on what to do, how to get an ex back. Some give absolutely horrific advice, that are borderline stalkish behaviors. They almost have you stalking your ex, right? Others, have you ignoring your ex, but when we talk about no contact, we don't want you to ignore an ex. We don't want you to ignore them for a certain amount of days. We simply want you to stop reaching out, to allow them the time to process things, to deal with it and to miss you.

Craig (01:48):

Because quite honestly, if they were frustrated or upset with you or unhappy with the way things were going, you know, they get into an emotional state, but having time away from you oftentimes gives them enough of a space to think, "you know what, those things do bother me. But overall, I really do love this person. " Yes. So I got a quick email today and we're going to talk about this. They said, "hi, coach Craig and coach Margaret. I hear quite a few of the coaches talking about no contact. Some say to do it, some say not to do it. It's confusing. I wish I had found your channel first because I trust you to the most. No contact is so hard because I think about my ex every day, the first thing I do every morning is check to see if he texted, I feel addicted to the phone because I'm constantly looking to see if he's texted or posted on Instagram. I'm unsure about no-contact. I wonder if it's a mistake. I wonder if my ex will think I don't care. I wonder if they will move on", Okay. So in a situation like this, we don't know the details of your situation.

Margaret (03:29):

Do we know how long?

Craig (03:30):

No, this is the whole email there. So we don't really know how long it was. All we know is that they ended the relationship. And for many of you guys that if your ex has ended the relationship, we really do think that you have to leave him alone. Right? Okay. And what you do in that time is important. The changes that you make in that time are important because if they were unhappy with the way things were, then there are things that you want to go back and look at and fix, right?

Craig (04:08):

And being in no-contact gives you an opportunity to work on that. Take a look at the relationship, what areas you struggled, they struggled what you can do to make it better and how to handle things when they come back for you. You know, we talk a lot about attachment and the different types of attachment styles. You know, everybody struggles with their own attachment issues. You know, you might be secure, but most people have insecure attachment styles where you tend to be more anxious about the relationship and getting abandoned, or you feel smothered and trapped by the relationship. But it doesn't matter if you're anxious or avoidant. People still miss you after a breakup. And I get a lot of people wondering my ex was avoidant. They're not going to miss me. Will you talk about dismissive avoidance not missing you, Margaret?

Margaret (05:12):

That's the, well, that's the dilemma of the avoidant. They too are wired to want connection. That's why they were in the relationship. Chances are they ended it because they felt smothered. But that doesn't mean they're not going to miss you and being avoidant doesn't mean you don't get attached, even though it scares you, you do get attached. So even an avoidant is going to miss you. So don't despair if your partner was avoidant, but I know as the days and weeks go by, people get more and more anxious that they've moved on or they've forgotten about them. That's a big one right there, but you have to understand that it's a process. And we live in a world of instant. Okay. And emotional processes. Take some time. I had somebody say to me today, well, it's been 30 days. 30 days is not a long enough time to really process anything. You can make a good beginning, but sometimes we're talking months here.

Craig (06:13):

Yeah. It's so normal to think about reaching out and coming up with all kinds of reasons to reach out. And it's overwhelming because the intrusive thoughts just don't stop. Right. And it's exhausting. You, you literally are looking for any kind of connection to reach out to them. So I would say most of you will struggle with, you know, no contact or reaching out for a long period of time until you eventually get to a place where you're like, "you know what? I'm not going to reach out. They can reach out to me when they want to talk to me". And you're focusing on yourself, you're doing those workbooks. If you have them 20 to 30 minutes every day, that's why I did workbooks. So you can focus on improving those skills, working through attachment issues, getting a local therapist.

Margaret (07:12):

Right? Exactly. That's one of the things we recommend and I'll always ask people, what did your partner tell you when they broke up with you? What did they tell you that the problems were? Some people are honest and other people will say I'm not attracted to you anymore and I need space, which really doesn't tell you anything. Yeah. That's so true because in any real relationship, you're more attracted at some times than others, etcetera. So those really don't tell you very much. It's nice to know what it is you need to work.

Craig (07:44):

Yeah. Yeah. But if you're sitting there struggling and every day you're thinking about reaching out and, you know, contacting them, you know, we wouldn't recommend it. In general. Of course, there might be something specific to your situation that, you know, it would be okay to reach out. But for the most part, we're saying, let them come to you.

Margaret (08:10):

And give them time to miss you. No matter how angry they might've been or no matter how cold they are. And we hear that often cause people have to have to get called to do the deed of breaking up. It doesn't mean they're forgetting you.

Craig (08:26):

Yeah. That's big. It doesn't mean you're there forgetting you at all because people don't forget people they're attached to. No, they don't. They don't, they really don't. Even if it's years, they'll still remember you. That doesn't mean they're going to come back necessarily or the one, another chance to work it out. But they're not going to forget, you know? Right. Even the dismissive avoidance, Margaret,

Margaret (08:47):

Even the dismissive avoidance, we're all wired the same way. Remember the avoidant has been horribly disappointed in an early relationship and you may have helped them reconcile. Some of that. You've got to give it time. Yeah. You have to. Which is the worst news on earth for you. We understand that.

Craig (09:11):

I know it's. Yeah. I've been there where it's like, literally every second of the day feels like an eternity. You just feel like you're in a fog and all you want to do is contact them. But if you do, it is a risk.

Margaret (09:25):

The other thing is even if your partner wasn't able to give you real reasons for the breakup and maybe the ones that they thought would be easier for you to hear, think about what you fought about. And that will probably give you a good idea as to what they were upset about.

Craig (09:41):

Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. And I would say one of the big things is that you might be in a situation where your ex was saying they needed something from you or they wanted you to change something about yourself and you didn't do it. And now you're like, I'm willing to do it. I'm going to do whatever you need me to do. I'll be happy to do those things now. Well, they probably got to a point where they don't think you're going to change and telling them that is not going to make them want you more. You have to show them. You have to truly do the work that when you're in front of them again, you don't go back to those old mistakes. And that's why I say put yourself on probation for nine months to a year. Right? Because you'd be surprised how many people will get their ex back and then go back to their old ways, three or four months later, whatever. And then wind up in another breakup.

Margaret (10:35):

One of the things that often works is to be able to go back to somebody and say, I've gotten into therapy. That's like gold. If somebody's been begging you to change something and you haven't done it.

Craig (10:47):

Now, the thing is you don't want to look like you're trying to say it for approval. You want it to come out naturally, not "here is this new thing that I'm trying to display. Now you happy? " No, you don't want to do that. No. You mean it. You want to secretly do it, get into it. And then when they've reached out, it naturally comes up and then they're like, Oh wow. They really are making changes. Get into AA. If you've had an alcoholic issue.

Margaret (11:19):

Or whatever "A" you need.

Craig (11:22):

But telling them and trying to act like you're trying to present some grand thing to them, don't do it like that. It's better to do it for yourself. And they'll think you're being more honest about it if you are doing it for yourself. Right.

Margaret (11:39):

Yeah. It's a great way to gain credibility. And the other thing is it also gives you a sense of process and that feelings take time. Right? Once you get into therapy, that becomes very obvious to you.

Craig (11:54):

I understand that it's confusing. And you think about reaching out every day, right? I've been there. Yeah. I've been there and I understand it. So I know exactly how hard that is, but, and confusing. But your ex, isn't going to forget about you. And if you allow them time to feel the loss, that attachment is going to affect them as well.

Margaret (12:24):

Whereas if you give them a fix, it will stop the process.

Craig (12:28):

Yeah. So hopefully this will be helpful to you.