Let Them Go To Get Them Back

Today we're going to be talking about, let them go to get them back. Does that make sense to you, Margaret?

Margaret (00:49):

In a weird kind of way. It really does in a weird kind of way.

Craig (00:54):

You know, Margaret, before you share what you have today, I wanted to say, people always ask us about the law of attraction and does the law of attraction work for dating. And for me, I don't know how you feel about this, but for me, it's almost the opposite of what people say the law of attraction is when it comes to re-attracting an ex. For me, it's almost like you don't manifest them by thinking about them. You kind of manifest them back by saying, that's it I'm done. I'm moving on with my life. And then they kind of sense it. I don't know how, I don't know why, you know,

Margaret (01:30):

So the law of attraction would say where your focus is, that's what you're going to get put out to the universities, what you're going to get. But I don't think it works here. I've never been a great believer, I must confess, in the laws of attraction. Now I do believe there is an unconscious mind and we can draw things or not draw things to ourselves without knowing it. But I don't know about the law of attraction. There are many people who are more familiar with it than I, yeah, but for me, in my experience with breakups, it's almost just seems like that letting go is when they start to somehow sense it or feel it.

Craig (02:09):

Absolutely. But you can't inauthentically do it. You can't fake it. You really have to process and deal and heal and grow. And when you really genuinely mean it, that's when they tend to come back, I call it a disturbance in the force. Yet the disturbance, a disturbance in the ether is something other people will say, and I've always called it the airwaves. Yeah. That's just my take on it. You guys can disagree if you want. That's totally understandable. But in my case, and just seeing breakups all the time, I just see it so often. It's just, it just blows me away. And even in my own life where I've got to places with certain people where I was okay with not being with them, it's when they wanted me. Of course.

Craig (03:00):

So, we're going to talk about how letting go can actually get someone back.

Margaret (03:06):

We're going to talk mostly about letting go because so many people struggle terribly with it. And I have two sets of thoughts on it today. Now this one is almost a guided imagery. It's a little out there for me, a little wifi. So I hope you'll bear with me, but the reason it caught my attention is because, believe it or not, it agrees with Freud. Now for its concept of attachment and grief, he saw grief as you know, the process of letting go of attachment. And he saw it in terms of energy as does this particular author. And when, if you look at it, it's the classic denial, anger

Craig (03:51):

Bargaining

Margaret (03:55):

Grief, and then finally acceptance. So when you get to acceptance, you have withdrawn your energy from the object, whether it's a loss of a partner or someone has passed, whatever. So he sees it as a slow process of taking your energy back. And this lady talks in terms of energy too. So let me tell you what she has to say.

Margaret (04:19):

How possibly do you let let go of someone who you really love? And she goes back to the beginning of the relationship and says that when you let someone into your heart, you create an energetic bond with them. In other words, there's an exchange of energy between the two of you. As your heart opens their energy mingles with yours until you are one big swirling ball of love energy. That's the fun part, right? You make your friends sick with all of the love. You're spewing. It's fun. It's awesome. You get closer still. And now your partner's energy is setting up residence in your heart. It's like you gave them a drawer in your dresser. I love that. Okay. It's like you gave the majority of dresser or space in your closet for their things. You're attached. Okay? What's actually happening, energetically is that you're building a cord of energy between the two of you.

Margaret (05:22):

You have cords of energy between you and all the people you let into your life. Friends, relatives, coworkers, etcetera. But the strongest cord is usually between you and your partner. It's built on love, experiences, shared dreams and future plans. Okay? So what happens when you break up energetically, the cord can rip and tear, a disruption occurs the love energy that used to flow back and forth between you is now poison, angry, upset, etcetera. And that cord continues to pump energy into you. Where once it was good, now, it doesn't feel good at all. When you're ready to let go of your ex energetically, there are ways you can do it and do it so you don't hurt so badly.

Craig (06:20):

Everybody's like, please help tell me how to do it.

Margaret (06:24):

Yeah. First you've got to gently lift the cord up and out of your energetic body and let it fall gently to the floor in peace, in love for your own good. And for the highest good to do this, repeat this mantra, or use it as an example and create your own.

Craig (06:44):

Okay? So she wants you to kind of visualize a mantra.

Margaret (06:48):

Visualize it while you say this mantra to yourself, I release your energy from mine. I send you peace, love and compassion. I appreciate the love we shared, but now it's time to let you go. I wish you well, then literally imagine yourself lifting the cord up out of your heart and let it walk to gently to the ground. This will release you from their energy. So it doesn't continue to negatively affect you. If your ex wants to keep pumping hatred or blame or anger through the court, it will no longer be anchored in you. And that's his or her choice to keep doing that if desire, but you've literally unplugged

Craig (07:34):

From that person. Okay. That's an interesting visualization. I just kind of imagined like a, like a power cord going into your heart. And you're just like, and then you're like thoughts down on the ground, you know? And just like, you know, and so if there's anger and hatred, it spews out, but you walk, you left the court and you walked away. Yeah.

Margaret (07:58):

There's no longer that conduit, that cord that connection. So I thought it was useful. You need, you may need to do this several times until you really feel released from your ex's energy.

Craig (08:09):

Yeah, for sure. I definitely think you'd have to do that several times.

Margaret (08:12):

Yeah. I'm sure you would. Most people try to rip the cord from their body, leaving pieces behind like angry shrapnel that continues to poison you over the years. It's far better to take the arrow out and clean the area without leaving any of the barbs behind. When you released the energetic could between you, you may feel like there's a gaping hole in your heart to close the wound, use this mantra. I am whole and complete within myself. I am worthy of being loved for who I truly am. I am always connected to the universe. I feel love around me. And remember that I am never truly alone. When you were saying this mantra, imagine a beautiful, pure white light coming into your body and filling you with love. And I like the image again, of a hole in your heart. I've had so many people literally say that to me. You know, since my partner is gone, I feel like I have a hole in my heart. That is how you feel. Yeah.

Craig (09:19):

Yeah. For me, I felt like a giant gaping hole in my chest. Yeah. But yeah, heart too. But too, it's like, yeah. In your chest, it really felt like it. Yeah. It's just unreal.

Margaret (09:34):

Anyway, I'm not particularly into guided imageries either. But I liked this one and I thought the theory was sound behind it. Yeah.

Craig (09:44):

Because you know, you've talked to me about Freud many times over the year and how he believed in energy. Okay.

Margaret (09:51):

Energy. his whole theory. The steam engine was a fairly new thing when Freud was coming up with his theory and much of it is based on energy and energy flow. Hmm. Yeah. There's a little tidbit of useless information for you, but I, I saw the parallel here. Yeah. Yeah.

Craig (10:10):

And I really do think that somehow letting someone go a sense, it, they actually feel it and you've seen it in your work. I've seen it in mine. It's just, yeah.

Margaret (10:23):

Yeah. And then, and only then might you have a chance of reconnecting in a different way. You have sort of cleaned out the bad stuff.

Craig (10:33):

Yeah. And if you're processing and dealing with it, then you really get to a good place where you can try and start something good again. Sometimes I think there are just things that we don't have explanations.

Margaret (10:45):

Absolutely. There are. And I think there are kinds of communication that we can't explain yet. Yeah. This lady's name, if you're interested, is Erin Pavlina, if you want to look her up on the computer,

Craig (11:02):

It was called how to energetically let of an ex.

Margaret (11:09):

Okay. That's my story.

Make Your Ex Regret Their Decision

Craig Kenneth:                  00:24                   Hi there. I'm coach Craig Kenneth, and in this video I'm going to be talking to about how to make your ex regret their decision to break up with you.

Well, have you ever found yourself in a situation where you didn't like the way somebody treated you or you didn't like the way things played out and maybe you felt slighted in some way and you wanted that person to regret their decision? For example, a lot of times we want our x to regret breaking up with us and we want them to feel like they made a huge mistake and it certainly helps our ego and makes us feel much better if they ever do come back to us, right? Even if we decide we don't want them back and it makes us feel awful good. If we know they sit there and they regret what they've done now sometimes we put ourselves in unhealthy situations as well.

Craig Kenneth:                  01:20                   Maybe we stay with somebody that doesn't treat us well and we tolerate their bad behavior. We let them walk all over us and disrespect us, and then of course if there's no respect there, there's just simply not going to be a relationship because you have to have respect and any kind of relationship if there is none, there's really no relationship there. So I've got a really difficult email today from somebody that I've done two skypes with and an email coaching and I can't remember if I did a video on one of his previous sessions, but if it sounds familiar, that's why. Okay. So he wanted to do another update with me and he said, Hey Craig, I hope you're able to re or recollect challenges that I'm facing in my personal life. And I did remember him very well. He had some very unique things about his situation that it was a very easy for me to recall how everything went.

Craig Kenneth:                  02:22                   In my previous interaction. I told you that I am single, 40 years old, not religious, Orthodox and basically a clean guy. His language is not English as first language is not English, as you could hear him saying he's a clean guy. I don't think most Americans would say that. Um, so I'm not going to say where he's from because I want to keep it a little ambiguous for me. Asked me to, in spite of having a loving and respectful girlfriend, this is important. I was extremely attracted towards a woman in my native place who was around my single, divorced and working professionally at a high level. Okay. So he had a really nice girlfriend. He still does. And yet he found himself extremely attracted to another woman and I made it very clear to him that this was not right for him to do because this girlfriend of his treated him very well and he was very disrespectful to the relationship they had by being very interested in another woman.

Craig Kenneth:                  03:30                   Okay. Now he kind of tries to justify his behavior and you're going to see how he said I had an instant, massive crush on her and did everything and anything just to fly to my native home and meet her. Okay. So look at how high his interest level is. My new, he's got another girlfriend, he's got a girlfriend. This is not a girlfriend. He's doing everything and anything to try and get her attention. It doesn't sound healthy already does it? And it's not. And you're going to see why I met her five times between May and July and in all the meetings I acted very needy, week anxious. And on the other hand she was rude, totally disrespectful, self absorbed and indifferent. So those are some really powerful words if you really let them sink in on that whole dynamic there right now. He says, I was honest with her and told her about my girlfriend.

Craig Kenneth:                  04:41                   Now this guy is really distorting reality and I think it has a lot to do with his relationship to his mother because he's coming from a place where, hey, I was honest and told her that I have a girlfriend yet he can't understand why she is not interested in reciprocating. Okay. Yet he's trying to justify like I can do these things even though I have a girlfriend because I told this new girl I have a girlfriend. He said, I just felt like hugging her tightly and not leaving her unable to handle my emotions. I contacted you were you were able to pinpoint the reason. She is an exact xerox copy of my mother, height, face, hair, way of dressing up, same way of thinking. Everything is just the same. Now, as you can imagine, he didn't have a good relationship with his mother. He had a massive internal struggle and that is why he is so incredibly drawn to this woman.

Craig Kenneth:                  05:57                   What do I tell you guys? All the time we are attracted to the familiar. He has this overwhelming, intense attraction to her that he completely disregards the fact that he has a girlfriend. He thinks that it's okay because he's saying to the new girl, hey, I have a girlfriend, but he doesn't understand that he's doing all of these super aggressive behaviors and, and he wonders why she's disrespectful. She's, you know, road and have self absorbed and different, which is exactly how he describes his mother. Okay. He's drawn to this woman because she's just like his mom and he's completely ignoring reality here. Right?

Craig Kenneth:                  06:44                   He said, never in my life was I so attracted to someone as I am to her. I don't think I can ever forget her. Think about that. Thinking about that, right? I don't think I could ever forget her. Why? Because she's just like your mom and she probably looks just like your mom did when your mom was younger, and so that's why the attraction is so intense because what is we do as children? We fall in love with our mother. That's what we're supposed to do, right? If we fall in love with our mother, that's how we learn empathy. That's how we learned to attach and bond to other people. It's absolutely what we're supposed to do now because he was traumatized and there is a massive attachment trauma. That is why he's having such a struggle with this woman because he feels like he has to be with her. Like it's abandoning his mother. Right? Like he's a child abandoning his mother. Okay. So he says, the last few months I have been in more control. I have been a no contact with her for the last five months. Absolute radio silence. And she never contacted me now for a week I will be going to my native place to visit my parents. My mom is now old, was hospitalized for several days and is recovering slowly. I will also visit my aunts place who is just living around one kilometer from that woman's house.

Craig Kenneth:                  08:30                   You know, this isn't going to go good. Right? Cause now he's looking for excuses to go see her. Needless to say, I will be very anxious to meet my crush. Also. I've worked on myself physically and mentally, but somehow I feel that I should meet my crush and tell her how rude and disrespectful she was to me. Wow. Right now, remember it has been five months since he has seen her. They haven't talked. There's been no contact and he wants to go and tell her that she was rude and disrespectful. Does that sound off to you? It does to me because. Well, let me get to that in a minute. Let me just finish his email. All my previous meetings with her, I behaved like a doormat and allowed her to walk all over me. Now remember, they only hung out five times. Okay? I want you to keep that in mind.

Craig Kenneth:                  09:38                   This isn't like a longterm relationship. They only hung out a handful of times and he had a girlfriend. I feel like redeeming myself so that I can just walk away with my head held high. My brain tells me that I should never contact her again and no need for any closure, but my heart tells me life is short. I don't live in that country anymore. I don't know how much time I have on this planet better to meet her and say what I feel. Then to walk away and always regret feeling that she walked all over me and I did nothing to respond to her or react. What do you say, coach? What's your advice on meeting her? She may not even reply to my message or declined to meet me. What's your advice on this? Okay. Well, first of all, it's obviously not healthy that you're just fantasizing about standing up for yourself for about five months here and I think this has a lot more to do with your mother and your relationship with your mother than it does with her.

Craig Kenneth:                  10:50 Remember, this woman only hung out with you five times and this wasn't some longterm relationship and it's interesting that you find her to be so incredibly disrespectful and rude. Yet I find it incredibly disrespectful and rude that you were trying to get with this girl when you had a girlfriend, so I don't understand how you can see how wrong her behavior is, but not your own. You need to think about that and I'm wondering if your girlfriend should be telling you all for being so rude and disrespectful to her because you should. Saying she's a great girl and look at how she gets treated. You're definitely fantasizing about this woman and you would have most likely left your girlfriend to be with this woman. Had you had the opportunity to do so in this girl and not treated you so badly. But you know, if you're sitting there trying to tell her off, first of all it's going to look pretty crazy because you haven't talked to her in five

Craig Kenneth:                  11:54 months and you're just gonna contact her just to tell her off. I mean how bizarre would that be if someone contacted you at a nowhere for. It's been almost five, six months and they just tell you off, you're going to be like, we only hung out five times and probably explaining how you're kind of distorting reality here. And of course why? Because this has a lot to do with mom is so disproportionate to what actually happened because this has to do with the conflict with his mother and he's angry and hurt about that. So he takes it out on her. A woman that he really barely knows. I mean if someone hung out with you five times and they were rude and disrespectful, you'd kind of forget about it and say, well the hell with that person. I don't want them in my life. And you'd move on.

Craig Kenneth:                  12:52                   But you are obsessed with it. And why? Because it's like walking away from your caregiver. It's like walking away from your mother and that means death. If you're a child and you walk away from your mother, you would die, so if you are coming from the place of wanting to make her regret, her decision and why she treated you the way she did, if anything, I would just send her a message while you're in town and try and get together with her and show her how awesome you are doing. That's how you're gonna. Make this woman regret how she treated you sitting there and berating her or yelling at her. She'll shut down immediately. She'll leave the situation and then you'll be standing there angry and frustrated that you didn't really get anything out of it, that you didn't get what you wanted and it's not really gonna.

Craig Kenneth:                  13:43                   Make you feel any better. Now, if you could go out with her, have a great time show or how awesome you are, how great your life is doing, and how much you've changed that might make her look at you and think, wow, what happened with him that I didn't want to work it out within that I didn't want to give him a shot. Not that you really deserved one because he had a girlfriend anyway, but for those of you that would be in this situation that you want to show somebody, you need to show them how awesome you are and how amazing your life is and how unique you are and how many great qualities you have, and that's the angle that I'm going to come from not trying to berate somebody or trying to get revenge over something so small and detrimental from five months ago.

Craig Kenneth:                  14:30                   Okay. She was rude and disrespectful, so why would you want to see her anyway? Well, if you did in a situation where you wanted somebody to regret what they did and how they felt, I would take the high ground and so look, look how great I am. Look at what you're missing out on, so that's what I would do in this situation and if you want to reach out to her, I mean quite honestly, uh, she'll probably be rude to you and ignore you or blow you off and just make you more frustrated. But if somebody else out there is watching this situation, then they're wanting to make somebody regret it and I would take the approach of let them see how great you are and then you don't give them another shot

Craig Kenneth:                  15:17                   and you say, oh no, no, I just wanted to hang out and see you, but you know, I appreciate you reaching out to me. And then you feel good about the way you handled yourself. So if you want to get my health personally, just go to my website as Craig. That net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching, I do skype coaching. If you have to get with me right away, I do offer emergency skype coaching and of course Margaret is now doing skype coaching too. And she's amazing. So that's it for this video. I'm coach Craig Kenneth and I will talk with you soon.