How To Get Your Ex Back- The Right Way!

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about, get your ex back the right way. You know, Margaret, I have realized that we get a lot of newcomers coming to the channel all the time. People that are recently getting into a breakup and they start to search things like, how do I get my ex back? How do I get my ex back in the right way? What's the right way to get my ex back. So I thought it would be helpful to do a video for people that are, might be new to our channel. So if you're new to our channel, you know, this is some of the basic stuff that we help you guys understand about our breakup. Margaret and I have been in the field for many, many years.

Margaret (01:27):

We should add up the number of years sometime between us

Craig (01:30):

Margaret, how long have you been a social worker? 

Margaret (01:35):

40 years, right. 40 years. Yeah.

Craig (01:37):

And I have been a therapist for about 20 years. Yeah.

Margaret (01:40):

So we can edit up to 60. Yeah, yeah. We should, we should know something.

Craig (01:45):

I do know a couple of things. And so, you know, we talk about that because many of you don't know what our background is. I'm a mental health counselor. She is a licensed social worker and we've known each other for probably about 20 years

Margaret (01:59):

I think so.

Craig (02:02):

We worked together in agencies locally together, and then we started this together. I told her she was behind the scenes of when I started the channel all those years ago. And now we have coach Victoria on board. Who's been learning with us and she will eventually do coaching. She will. And she'll be wonderful.

Craig (02:20):

So we want to talk about getting your ex back the right way, because there's a lot of bad information on the internet and we know when you're going through a breakup, you can get very desperate. Yup. Okay. People will do things like love spells.

Margaret (02:41):

Right. We have heard that. Right.

Craig (02:44):

You know, they get so desperate that they will buy a love, spell thinking that's going to help get your ex back.

Margaret (02:51):

When you're desperate though, you'll try anything. It's understandable. It's tunnel vision, right? Yeah. It's tunnel vision. When you're, when you're desperate and feel up against it, your, your view of the world narrows down to just one thing. It's tunnel vision, right?

Craig (03:05):

Yeah. Yeah. And it's, you know, I think very tied to a depression that you get in that state. And so you may find yourself, you know, looking for magic beans to get your ex back essentially, but that's really not the way you want to go about this. So we're going to talk about some of these major points today. And the first one is don't try to manipulate your ex and stop trying to force your own agenda.

Margaret (03:34):

And that happens very often, very soon. Very quickly. Yeah.

Craig (03:39):

Yes. A lot of the other information out there about breakups is centered around manipulating your ex with some BS magical text that gets your ex back or a handwritten letter or grand gesture. And in my experience, it very, very rarely works. Right. I mean, if, if something like that happens to work, I think it was only because your ex was really reconsidering it anyway. Right. Right.

Margaret (04:11):

There is no magic formula. And I think sometimes when people call us, they hope we have one, but we don't, it's not magic.

Craig (04:19):

Yeah. I mean, a lot of the stuff that we're teaching you and the psychology and the understanding of mental health that's directly related to attachment and relationships working is absolutely the real stuff of how to make a relationship work and how to really repair things with your ex so you can have a real shot at repairing it and having a healthy relationship again. But you know, there's a lot of stuff out there about manipulation and using guilt pressuring your ex is a big one trying to get other family members involved or friends involved. I was guilty of that. Right. You try always backfire. It makes it worse. Yeah.

Margaret (05:07):

Always backfires. And there's always somebody who's willing to get in the middle and give everybody advice.

Craig (05:14):

I can tell you what I did. It, it backfired for me. It often just pisses your ex off. Yes. Right. It makes him really angry at you begging whether you may realize it or not is just a form of manipulation.

Margaret (05:27):

Yes. It is. It's a different form. How pathetic do I have to look, right?

Craig (05:31):

Or that you think that if you beg for that extra chance, I mean, I've heard very, very few cases over the years of begging actually working. It often turns your partner off. So these are all manipulation strategies that you want to get away from. Guilt pressure, getting other people involved trying to beg and just simply ignoring needs of your partner and what they're trying to tell you. Right. Right. That's huge. So you gotta be careful of doing those things. Of course. Some of that is to be expected in the beginning, especially the begging and trying to talk person out of it

Margaret (06:11):

Well you're shocked. Right? Yeah.

Craig (06:14):

Yeah. That's absolutely it right there is when you're shocked. So it's okay to do some of that in the beginning, but you, and don't beat yourself up if he did, because most people do those things. I was guilty of some of those things you know, I tried to grand gesture

Margaret (06:30):

And lots of people who call us say, I already tried all the things you guys said not to do. Did they work? No.

Craig (06:40):

So you know, what you really want to do is give that person space and freedom to make their own decision, which is very, very difficult, which comes along with the second major point. I want to say here is let them reach out to you, right? The way that I have explained no contact and the way that I teach it is simply not to reach out to your ex. Some people have some convoluted strategies or situations where you should ignore them. If they reach out to you or play games with them. I don't believe in that. I don't think you're going to have something healthy again, if you're playing those kinds of games.

Margaret (07:19):

Games are not healthy games or manipulations.

Craig (07:22):

So, you know, your ex made the decision to get in the relationship with you. And if they decide that they want to get out, you want to respect that decision as painful as it may be, but you want them to have that space and time to feel your absence.

Margaret (07:41):

And you're being respectful by giving them what they asked for.

Craig (07:45):

But believe it or not, you want to give your ex the space to miss you. Right. you know, a lot of times people will continually reach out to their ex or maybe they'll try 30 days at a time. Right, I'll leave him alone for 30 days and reach out well, they ignored it. So I'll try in another 30 days or you know, using the good reminder text. That's another form of manipulation.

Margaret (08:13):

Good reminder texts reminding us what a good time we had at the beach that day. Yeah.

Craig (08:17):

I just drove by the beach that we went. Do you remember when the bird pooped on your head, you know, some silly reminder of what happened and it sounds like a nice idea. I understand when you're going through a breakup, it's like, that sounds like a good idea, that does some provoking, and then you should hear all the people that are like, I tried it. What happened? Usually the response didn't work. Nothing. They didn't respond.

Margaret (08:44):

Let me just say another word about manipulation. One of the reasons why manipulation is a wrong thing is that by definition, manipulation means you're trying to get somebody to something without directly asking them to do what you want or to even tell them what you want. Okay. It's dishonest. That's the problem. Yeah.

Craig (09:05):

And many of you probably grew up in a home where your mother used a lot of guilt or your dad. Yeah. But I could say I grew up in a home where my mom used guilt, you know, the Italian guilt.

Craig (09:21):

They're famous for that. Yup. And so you may unconsciously be doing the same thing that's been done to you your entire life and you don't even realize why it's such a turnoff.

Margaret (09:31):

Again, just let me come at one more time. You lived with the Italian guilt. I lived with the Irish martyrdom. God knows I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. Yeah.

Craig (09:42):

And so when you're reaching out, trying these strategies, like a good reminder text or a handwritten letter, it just allows your ex to know that you're still wanting them. And it doesn't really get them to grieve the loss of you. Right. Because how can they grieve your loss if they don't feel the loss?

Margaret (10:03):

That's right. And if they're talking to three of your relatives and two of your friends, they can find out how you're doing anytime. Not helpful.

Craig (10:11):

So when you're reaching out, it also takes away the curiosity of what you've been doing, or if you've moved on, which people really want to know.

Margaret (10:21):

No, that's the first thing people want to know. It's been two weeks. Do you think he or she has moved on?

Craig (10:27):

And so if your ex sees that you're continually reaching out, they're not going to wonder if you've moved on. Right, right. It takes away that mystery for them. Yes. Okay. Another big issue, another big way to make sure that you're going to get your ex back the right way is to fix your own issues. Right? We all have our own issues. We all have things in our childhood that were traumatizing or difficult. And we have these blind spots within us that we don't see things about ourselves. And many of you, when you come to the channel, you see that what we're all about is healthy relationships, learning skills, being the best version of yourself. So you either have an opportunity to blow your ex away, or you're doing great in your new relationships. And that way it's a win-win and you're not so focused on, you know, just your ex. Then I get success stories almost every day about, well, maybe I didn't get my ex back, but I found this new person and they made me really happy. And thank you for all the growth and all this, you know,

Margaret (11:35):

Those are, those are wonderful to hear. Yeah.

Craig (11:37):

They're just as good as getting your ex back. I know it doesn't feel like that now. Not at the beginning. And I totally understand because I've been there, but believe me, if you find somebody new, that's amazing for you and you look at your ex, like, why was I tolerating things? Or, you know, that relationship was toxic or maybe it was even abusive. You're going to be so happy with the people that you come across that are healthier for you. Yes. So working through your own issues, you know, we have hundreds of videos on understanding, attachment styles, mental health, the workbooks are all centered around it. The course is centered around it. We're all about bettering your life after a breakup. Right? Right. Another big area and the, the last one we wanted to touch on today is that you have to realize that there are areas that you can improve. And oftentimes you're, so shell shocked that your ex left you, that you can't even realize that you can't think about what did I do wrong? Like, or what's, what did I do in this relationship that may have ultimately led to, you know, the connection being hurt or trust being hurt or the other issues that have come up. But now you have an opportunity to reprioritize yourself. And I think that when you're going through a breakup, it really gets you to reevaluate. What's important to you and prioritze.

Margaret (13:09):

Absolutely. And that's a healthy thing to do.

Craig (13:12):

I mean, you, you talked to somebody today that I did a coaching with a few weeks ago that realized they were addicted to video games. Yes

Margaret (13:19):

He did. And to his credit, he's working about as hard as anybody could. Absolutely. Yeah.

Craig (13:25):

Yeah. But when you're in that mode, you don't realize he, I mean, he was addicted to video games for years. Yes.

Margaret (13:31):

And when it looks like everything is okay, and your partner is still there, you don't think about it.

Craig (13:36):

Yeah. But when you have some time to realize, Oh my gosh, the last three girlfriends I've had have said, I don't listen. What's going on with me. I haven't been listening to my partner. And then you realize I've got to fix this. How are you going to do it? What are you going to do differently? You've got to really reflect on that and improve in those areas. You know? Maybe you could look at ways you could be more social in your life. Maybe you've only spent your time with that one person and neglected your friends or family or other areas of your life.

Margaret (14:14):

Absolutely. Maybe it's the other way around, continue with your friends and kind of neglected your partner. All possibilities can happen.

Craig (14:21):

Another big thing that you could look at is what am I doing that I'm satisfied with my life, take an inventory. Where am I satisfied in my life? Where am I not satisfied in my life?

Margaret (14:34):

Well, and don't just beat yourself up, look for what's going right and what your strengths are. And then you can decide what changes you may like to make. That's a good point to reevaluate what you want and your values and so forth and so on.

Craig (14:48):

Yeah. You might want to use this as a time to take some risks and use those opportunities to grow and learn new things that may be you haven't been willing to do before. You know, a lot of times people take a look at things in a, like, you know, I've thought about going back to school for years. Right. I wasn't motivated enough to do it. Now. I'm getting in school, I'm focused on a career or a business or something like that. But you know, it's understandable that you probably aren't going to feel very motivated, especially in the beads,

Margaret (15:21):

Not in the beginning, because it's going to take all your energy to try and deal with this shock to your system. Yep. Yep.

Craig (15:26):

But even if you can do something small, it could be meaningful.

Margaret (15:30):

Absolutely. And it can encourage you to move further

Craig (15:33):

A new hobby or just trying something new. I remember that when the Applebee's girl broke up with me, I wanted to learn a couple of dishes and learning how to cook a few different meals. And so I had my mom teach me to cook some meals that I didn't know how to do. And that made me feel good. I mean, it was not a huge thing, but I still remember what those two meals were off the top of my head, the two main ones that I asked her to help me with. Different routines can be helpful. Maybe you realize, you know, you stay up too late on the phone and you don't have a good, healthy sleep routine or exercise or eating routine. All of those are little things that can make you feel better and focus on becoming a healthier version of yourself. So when your ex either comes back or you start dating other people, you're going to look a lot more attractive.

Margaret (16:27):

Absolutely. Right. And don't forget to be nice to yourself. We're so well, programmed to beat ourselves up and people tell us, they go over every phrase, every word they ever said, wondering, which was the one that put their partner off. And it's probably not just one phrase at all, but find your strengths too.

Craig (16:47):

Yep. Absolutely. Because when you start doing these things, people are going to notice. Your friends are going to notice, your family is going to notice. They're going to be happy with seeing you do something positive because I really think there's nothing more motivating than a breakup. Right. And I know it's been, you know, the times in my life where I was absolutely laser-focused on the personal growth and bettering myself and so use this as an opportunity because I promise you very few of your exes will do as much work as the dumpee is. Right. Right. The dumper is very rarely motivated like the dumpee is right.

Margaret (17:31):

As they've been in control and the dumpee hasn't been, and the dumpee is going to say, I don't want this to ever happen to me or anybody else again. Yeah.

Craig (17:38):

Yeah. So use that to your advantage, knowing that whatever's going on in your ex's life, the motivation that you do, if you're really consistently making an effort, even if it's just a little bit every day, it's probably going to be far more than they do a couple months down the road, three months down the road, six months down the road, whatever it is, you know? Absolutely. Because exes do come back all the time and you know, sometimes even after years. Absolutely.

Margaret (18:09):

And I'll hear, I haven't heard from them for three weeks. I know it's over. Oh, it could be three months, three years. Absolutely.

Craig (18:16):

In fact, I heard from somebody recently that I hadn't heard from him in about two and a half years. So, and it was interesting Margaret and I talked about it and you know, there was probably more to it than what was on the surface, but it shows you that people come back all the time, just stay focused on yourself and being the best version of yourself and it's a, win-win either way. And those are some strategies to make sure you're going to get your ex back the right way. And of course, we're here for coaching. And if you want to get our help, personally, all you have to do is go to my website, AskCraig.net, sign up for the option that you prefer.

Will My Ex Think About Me On Valentine's Day?

Craig (00:00):

Today. We're going to be talking about, will my ex think about me on Valentine's day? Well, if you're going through a breakup, that's a particularly difficult day. Yeah. And you are pretty much obsessing about your ex that day. Unot necessarily where they're at or what they're doing, but you just keep thinking about them. It's going to be everywhere because love is going to be everywhere on TV.

Margaret (01:08):

Absolutely. You cannot get away from social

Craig (01:10):

Media. You see what friends are doing? You hear what friends are doing and it just makes you feel awful. Yeah. So you're thinking about them nonstop, right? And so you're like, are they even thinking about me?

Margaret (01:24):

Or have they just moved on?

Craig (01:27):

To me? I think how could they not think about you? Right. That's right. How could they not think about you when, even if they're not wanting to be with you, even if they don't want a relationship right now, how could they not think about the person that they've spent, you know, probably last Valentine's day with, for many of you and how would they not be able to think about what you did last Valentine's day? I think that's a big thing.

Margaret (01:57):

Absolutely. You're going to remember what you did last year. Yeah. Or at any happy Valentine's days of the past. Of course.

Craig (02:06):

You know, when a holiday comes up, I think we often are reminded of the last one, you know, last Christmas last, last birthday. Yeah. And so I think it's normal. And how could they, you just can't put a push that out of your unconscious.

Margaret (02:21):

No, it is impossible to move on and never think back.

Craig (02:26):

Yeah. And even though you feel like they're not wondering how you're doing, maybe they've said we're never going to date again. I don't care about you anymore. Even if they're dating somebody new, it doesn't mean that they're not going to think about you. It's just the way we're wired.

Margaret (02:42):

Right. It's the way we're wired,

Craig (02:43):

The attachment that we have to other people is just so overwhelming. Those intrusive thoughts, they're going to experience it too. Right. so it doesn't necessarily mean that they're to want to get back with you, right? We're not saying that just because they're thinking about you, they're going to want to repair things or then they're going to come back. We can't say that, but we really feel like if you leave them alone, it's going to impact them and they have to sit with that. Right. And we say that all the time, because we just know how important it is that, you know, you may be tempted to reach out, but I think it's more powerful if you don't reach it.

Margaret (03:25):

That's right. And even if they broke up with you, I think you pointed out earlier today. Great. They're going to wonder why you didn't.

Craig (03:34):

Yeah. I mean, I think that it's more powerful for them to feel that loss that day. That's right. Don't you? Yeah. So when you're tempted to buy them a gift, reach out see how they're doing. Just know that they are thinking about you. And I think social media is, is changing that too. Like don't you think people are going to be looking at you on that day.

Victoria (03:59):

Yeah, definitely. And you have to remember that spending Valentine's day with your partner is a privilege. So once that relationship is over, you don't want to keep giving them that privilege, that you're always accessible to them, even on holidays and special days, like Valentine's day, you want to have them experience that loss. And of course, on social media, they're going to be scrolling, seeing what you're up to seeing what other people are up to. They're going to be exposed to the same amount of, let's say, love propaganda that you are. Exactly.

Craig (04:33):

Yeah. I, I think that it's just one of those things that they may not reach out or, and I don't think they will reach out for Valentine's day because it's overwhelming. Right. Right. Like, because it's like, if you reach out on Valentine's day, it's almost like saying, "I want to fix this". And I think that's going to be too big of a step for somebody

Margaret (04:54):

Don't do it.

Craig (04:55):

I think that, you know, you should just expect not to hear from them, but that not hearing from you will really hit their unconscious and be powerful to them. Right.

Victoria (05:08):

Because they probably expect to hear from you on that day, like you were saying Margaret. Right.

Margaret (05:12):

Yeah. And I have often said to people, remember who broke up with whom, right?

Craig (05:18):

Yeah. Because even if they don't want to hear from you, I think on some level they do want to hear it from you

Margaret (05:25):

Sure they do. Right. Or at least know that you still find them attractive and wonderful and all of those good things.

Craig (05:30):

They want them back. Yes. So, you know, I think it's safe to say that most of you will know in the back of your mind, your ex is gonna think about you. Of course, you know, some of you that may have been in like a situationship or something like that, maybe not. But even then I think you're going to at least come into their unconscious at some point during the day, because we cannot wait, wipe out close relationships. It's just so easy for a thought to pop up when you're not even thinking about it. Right.

Victoria (06:05):

And romance is not something that you share with everybody. It's something that you share with select people. It's rare. Yeah. So on a day, like Valentine's day where romantic feelings are at an all time high, of course, you know, romantic partners are going to come to their mind.

Craig (06:22):

Yeah. That chemistry that you had, that connection, that feeling of, you know, maybe how good the relationship was at its peak and how long, you know, all those things are going to come back to you. Right. So I think we all kind of agree that your ex will think about you at some point during the day and wonder what's going on with you, even if the relationship ended badly. Right. Absolutely. Yeah. So we just wanted to talk about that and reassure you that we know how awful it feels. We know you feel like they don't care about you. I've been there. Right. I've been in the situation completely convinced that that person wasn't thinking about me, but they often will admit later on, "I thought about you all the time". Right. How often do we hear that? Very often. Right. And, and you feel like there's no hope, but you don't know what they're doing behind closed doors.

Victoria (07:22):

Exactly. And it can be very hard to keep that emotional self control on a day, like Valentine's day, but just remember it's even more important on days, like Valentine's day to continue to no contact and to have that emotional self-control

Craig (07:36):

Control. Yeah. I think so. I think it's more powerful for your ex not to hear from you.

Margaret (07:40):

And to give your ex the benefit of getting in touch with all of their feelings.

Margaret (07:46):

But it's going to be an emotional day for them too. And of course, whether they show it or not, I don't think they would show it. They want to keep their guard up. But that doesn't mean behind closed doors, they're not feeling that loss right. Laying down at night, trying to fall asleep, thinking about it. Cause they know they made mistakes too. Sure. They know that they cause problems in that relationship to fail. Even if they're putting all the blame on you, they have to get to that point at some time. Right. So hopefully this makes you feel a little bit better about Valentine's day. And just knowing that there's a very good chance that they're thinking about you wondering how you are, wondering what's going on with you and that they're struggling with that day too. Right? Okay. Hopefully you found this video helpful. And of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.

My Ex Said I'll Always Love You

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about I'll always love you. You know, Margaret, that is actually something that comes up quite often in breakups, where somebody will say to their partner, I'll always love you, I want the best for you, but they can't do the relationship anymore. Okay. Now, in many cases, it's because there was a situation that kept going on over and over again, and they got frustrated and fed up and they didn't want to deal with it anymore, but there are always very unique situations and breakups. And I say that all the time, every situation is different. Every breakup is different. And I thought this was a really interesting email coaching that I had today that I think you guys will like. This is from a woman in her mid forties, single mother, and a guy in his late thirties. Now he doesn't have any kids. She says we had a passionate, loving relationship for nine months. He was affectionate, always telling me how much he loved me. He's from a wealthy family. I won't say what his dad's career is, but it was a let's say a successful career who had a father who was egotistical and impossible to please. Eric would do anything to try and impress him. His mother left Eric when he was a small child, let's say around kindergarten age, he still won't speak to her. He stayed living with his dad and he had a privileged life, but not one full of love and warmth. It was materially privileged. Yeah. His ex-wife was a trust fund child and had no need to work. At first, he worked at a job. Let's say an average job. I'm not going to say the career. Um but his wife gave him an ultimatum of giving up work and traveling the world with her or she would divorce him.

Margaret (02:53):

I wish somebody give me that one.

Craig (02:58):

Sounds pretty terrible. Doesn't it? Yeah. Give up working and travel the world with me. I won't do it. I won't do it. I will do it. I will do it. Not during coronavirus though. No, I won't do it then. He gave up his job and traveled for years living off her family's fortune. He told me she was not a nice person and extremely controlling. After over 10 years of marriage, one day she disappeared.

Margaret (03:30):

Oh Lord, just like his mother.

Craig (03:33):

Then he got divorce papers delivered stating he would not receive any of the family's money. He was depressed for several years, not working or seeing anyone else until he met me. He got a job in sales and seemed happy and confident in his work and we had a great time in our relationship. COVID hit. Then he was placed on furlough. This is when things started going downhill for us. He has a sibling that had been running their father's business, but had gotten into a dispute with the dad over their pay and left suddenly. Eric stepped in as he currently wasn't working and ran the place far better than his sibling. His father was planning on retiring, but told Eric that if he wanted to continue, he could hire other people for the business by opening more businesses under their names like expanding , but dad would retire. Meanwhile, his sales job opened back up and offered him a position, a higher manager managerial position, which he turned down in favor of working for his father. Can you see the disaster coming? In the final month of our relationship, he was less affectionate and seemed off. Though he would say everything was great. When I asked about work, one night, we had an argument, nothing too serious. He apologized the next day. But then when silent for several days after that. You could already see working for the dad was going to be a nightmare. Right. Because of the way dad treats him. Something he would, would always do after disagreement, but would make up for it after a few days, meaning disappear.

Margaret (06:02):

Withdraw after a disagreement,

Craig (06:04):

When I hadn't heard from him for five days, I texted and asked him to meet me and talk. We met. I never seen him. So agitated. He admitted to me that things were terrible at work. His father was horrible to work for. Of course. Yeah. Which is why the sibling got out. Right. And he was turning into an alcoholic, the father. And I wonder if it was turning into or already was. Yeah. His sibling was now refusing to talk to either of them. And that his dad was now saying that he was just going to sell the business, leaving Eric high and dry again. But you could see the stress going on here.

Margaret (06:56):

What's he going to do with the money from the business?

Craig (06:58):

He doesn't say probably just take it and retire. But then it sounds like the sibling was wise to be autonomous.

Margaret (07:05):

Very smart sibling. Good boy.

Craig (07:07):

I think the sibling had had enough. He told me his life was a mess and that I was the only stable thing in it. He said he loved me several times and cried, ending things by saying he just can't be in a relationship with me right now. He needed to get his life together. It couldn't bear being judged, feeling like a failure.

Margaret (07:37):

So that is the least healthy thing he could have done. So first he goes back to dad, which was not a healthy idea. And now he's going to push away his only support.

Craig (07:48):

Yeah. It's very sad. Very. Let me go on. I told him that I would help him, but he said, I couldn't. After we parted that night, he sent a text, ,I attached below then said, no, that I love you always. That was six weeks ago. And that was the last I heard from him. Having found the no contact advice in time. I texted him three times since, or she said she didn't find no contact in time. I texted him three times since about two to three weeks apart, the first two times just saying that I was thinking of him just one sentence. And the third time, just three days ago saying I was going to respect his decision not to have me in his life anymore. He hasn't responded to any of them. Will he ever reach out to me again? He's ADHD and likely a fearful avoidant. Wow. This was such a sad situation.

Margaret (08:54):

It is a sad situation

Craig (08:56):

Because he didn't want to break up with her. At least from what I'm reading here, he did it because I think he was still trying to end that cycle of making his father feel disappointed with him.

Margaret (09:12):

Yeah, I think so too. But again, it's a failure of individuation. He wasn't able to say to "dad, you go take a walk down, whatever money street there. Isn't a city state street bank street". Unfortunately I agree with you. I don't think he wanted to break up either. And we see this sometimes that people think they have to break up due to circumstances and instead put themselves in a situation where they go through the circumstances without the supportive partner and it's painful to see.

Craig (09:43):

Yeah. And I think he's probably thinking about her all the time. And I think he's probably feeling like he doesn't want to give it another chance but he doesn't want to feel like a failure with her too. I think he's so overwhelmed with feeling like a failure to his father that he can't think about disappointing another person or not being there for another person while he's overwhelmed with this business situation. And stress

Margaret (10:09):

Must have quite the hold on him.

Craig (10:11):

I think so, too. And so it's particularly sad because I don't think he wanted this relationship to end. Yeah. And the, the hard part for her is where would we be a year from now or six months from now, if he hadn't gone to work for dad, would they still be together? Now? Maybe it would have led to a breakup because of other issues, but feeling like he was taken away because of dad is even more painful.

Margaret (10:38):

Right. I feel very bad for her. Yeah. I feel bad for both of them. He needs to do something.

Craig (10:45):

So she wants to know, will he ever reach out? And I think it's not a matter of does he want to reach out? I think he wants to reach out. I think it's a matter of how does he resolve things with his dad? Does he let dad continue to run his life and manipulate him?

Margaret (11:01):

And you could only hope that in a few months he will think about that when he has a chance to miss her.

Craig (11:09):

Yeah. Hopefully. Yeah. Hopefully he'll realize that what they had was nice and good and that, you know, there was a lot of potential there and you know, that he is able to muster up enough strength and anger towards dad to say, "you know what I love you. And if you let me run the business, my way I'll do that. But I can't do it like this and I'm not going to do it like this. So it's either, let me run it or you sell a business and I'll go find something to do."

Margaret (11:38):

That's right. That's right. But he had to make another shot. He had to take another shot at pleasing dad, which it sounds like to me is totally impossible to do anyway.

Craig (11:50):

Yeah. Oh, of course. I think dad will never be happy no matter what he does or any of his children. And I think the sibling finally figured that out and said, I'm outta here. If the sibling is able to individually, hopefully Eric will be able to do that.

Margaret (12:03):

So I wonder if the sibling is older or younger,

Craig (12:07):

You know, and that I don't remember. But I'm just thinking he might have gotten more of mom. Yeah. That's a good question. I don't remember if he said that. Sorry, but you know, he probably thought that the sibling wasn't doing a good job, dad was probably painting the picture of the sibling, not doing a good job when the sibling was probably working their butt off to try and please dad, and you know, dad, wasn't happy. So Eric is thinking, Hey, my sibling can't do this. They can't, they're doing a terrible job. I could do a better job. And maybe they, he did, maybe Eric did. But I think that dad has him kind of brainwashed that the sibling was probably doing their best to try and please that he played them off against each other, all their lives. Yeah. So this is a particularly sad situation. I think if he can, individually, you will definitely hear from him again. It's just a matter of, can he stand up to dad or how it resolved with that and not regarding, it's not regarding how we felt about you, at least from what I'm reading don't know.

Margaret (13:16):

And she's probably thinking she did this wrong or she did that. Right. I don't think she did it all. Yeah. I think this was circumstance. So let's see what happens with time alone and let him do his process and feel his feelings.

Craig (13:29):

That's right. Tough situation, sad situation. Of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.

Let Them Go To Get Them Back

Today we're going to be talking about, let them go to get them back. Does that make sense to you, Margaret?

Margaret (00:49):

In a weird kind of way. It really does in a weird kind of way.

Craig (00:54):

You know, Margaret, before you share what you have today, I wanted to say, people always ask us about the law of attraction and does the law of attraction work for dating. And for me, I don't know how you feel about this, but for me, it's almost the opposite of what people say the law of attraction is when it comes to re-attracting an ex. For me, it's almost like you don't manifest them by thinking about them. You kind of manifest them back by saying, that's it I'm done. I'm moving on with my life. And then they kind of sense it. I don't know how, I don't know why, you know,

Margaret (01:30):

So the law of attraction would say where your focus is, that's what you're going to get put out to the universities, what you're going to get. But I don't think it works here. I've never been a great believer, I must confess, in the laws of attraction. Now I do believe there is an unconscious mind and we can draw things or not draw things to ourselves without knowing it. But I don't know about the law of attraction. There are many people who are more familiar with it than I, yeah, but for me, in my experience with breakups, it's almost just seems like that letting go is when they start to somehow sense it or feel it.

Craig (02:09):

Absolutely. But you can't inauthentically do it. You can't fake it. You really have to process and deal and heal and grow. And when you really genuinely mean it, that's when they tend to come back, I call it a disturbance in the force. Yet the disturbance, a disturbance in the ether is something other people will say, and I've always called it the airwaves. Yeah. That's just my take on it. You guys can disagree if you want. That's totally understandable. But in my case, and just seeing breakups all the time, I just see it so often. It's just, it just blows me away. And even in my own life where I've got to places with certain people where I was okay with not being with them, it's when they wanted me. Of course.

Craig (03:00):

So, we're going to talk about how letting go can actually get someone back.

Margaret (03:06):

We're going to talk mostly about letting go because so many people struggle terribly with it. And I have two sets of thoughts on it today. Now this one is almost a guided imagery. It's a little out there for me, a little wifi. So I hope you'll bear with me, but the reason it caught my attention is because, believe it or not, it agrees with Freud. Now for its concept of attachment and grief, he saw grief as you know, the process of letting go of attachment. And he saw it in terms of energy as does this particular author. And when, if you look at it, it's the classic denial, anger

Craig (03:51):

Bargaining

Margaret (03:55):

Grief, and then finally acceptance. So when you get to acceptance, you have withdrawn your energy from the object, whether it's a loss of a partner or someone has passed, whatever. So he sees it as a slow process of taking your energy back. And this lady talks in terms of energy too. So let me tell you what she has to say.

Margaret (04:19):

How possibly do you let let go of someone who you really love? And she goes back to the beginning of the relationship and says that when you let someone into your heart, you create an energetic bond with them. In other words, there's an exchange of energy between the two of you. As your heart opens their energy mingles with yours until you are one big swirling ball of love energy. That's the fun part, right? You make your friends sick with all of the love. You're spewing. It's fun. It's awesome. You get closer still. And now your partner's energy is setting up residence in your heart. It's like you gave them a drawer in your dresser. I love that. Okay. It's like you gave the majority of dresser or space in your closet for their things. You're attached. Okay? What's actually happening, energetically is that you're building a cord of energy between the two of you.

Margaret (05:22):

You have cords of energy between you and all the people you let into your life. Friends, relatives, coworkers, etcetera. But the strongest cord is usually between you and your partner. It's built on love, experiences, shared dreams and future plans. Okay? So what happens when you break up energetically, the cord can rip and tear, a disruption occurs the love energy that used to flow back and forth between you is now poison, angry, upset, etcetera. And that cord continues to pump energy into you. Where once it was good, now, it doesn't feel good at all. When you're ready to let go of your ex energetically, there are ways you can do it and do it so you don't hurt so badly.

Craig (06:20):

Everybody's like, please help tell me how to do it.

Margaret (06:24):

Yeah. First you've got to gently lift the cord up and out of your energetic body and let it fall gently to the floor in peace, in love for your own good. And for the highest good to do this, repeat this mantra, or use it as an example and create your own.

Craig (06:44):

Okay? So she wants you to kind of visualize a mantra.

Margaret (06:48):

Visualize it while you say this mantra to yourself, I release your energy from mine. I send you peace, love and compassion. I appreciate the love we shared, but now it's time to let you go. I wish you well, then literally imagine yourself lifting the cord up out of your heart and let it walk to gently to the ground. This will release you from their energy. So it doesn't continue to negatively affect you. If your ex wants to keep pumping hatred or blame or anger through the court, it will no longer be anchored in you. And that's his or her choice to keep doing that if desire, but you've literally unplugged

Craig (07:34):

From that person. Okay. That's an interesting visualization. I just kind of imagined like a, like a power cord going into your heart. And you're just like, and then you're like thoughts down on the ground, you know? And just like, you know, and so if there's anger and hatred, it spews out, but you walk, you left the court and you walked away. Yeah.

Margaret (07:58):

There's no longer that conduit, that cord that connection. So I thought it was useful. You need, you may need to do this several times until you really feel released from your ex's energy.

Craig (08:09):

Yeah, for sure. I definitely think you'd have to do that several times.

Margaret (08:12):

Yeah. I'm sure you would. Most people try to rip the cord from their body, leaving pieces behind like angry shrapnel that continues to poison you over the years. It's far better to take the arrow out and clean the area without leaving any of the barbs behind. When you released the energetic could between you, you may feel like there's a gaping hole in your heart to close the wound, use this mantra. I am whole and complete within myself. I am worthy of being loved for who I truly am. I am always connected to the universe. I feel love around me. And remember that I am never truly alone. When you were saying this mantra, imagine a beautiful, pure white light coming into your body and filling you with love. And I like the image again, of a hole in your heart. I've had so many people literally say that to me. You know, since my partner is gone, I feel like I have a hole in my heart. That is how you feel. Yeah.

Craig (09:19):

Yeah. For me, I felt like a giant gaping hole in my chest. Yeah. But yeah, heart too. But too, it's like, yeah. In your chest, it really felt like it. Yeah. It's just unreal.

Margaret (09:34):

Anyway, I'm not particularly into guided imageries either. But I liked this one and I thought the theory was sound behind it. Yeah.

Craig (09:44):

Because you know, you've talked to me about Freud many times over the year and how he believed in energy. Okay.

Margaret (09:51):

Energy. his whole theory. The steam engine was a fairly new thing when Freud was coming up with his theory and much of it is based on energy and energy flow. Hmm. Yeah. There's a little tidbit of useless information for you, but I, I saw the parallel here. Yeah. Yeah.

Craig (10:10):

And I really do think that somehow letting someone go a sense, it, they actually feel it and you've seen it in your work. I've seen it in mine. It's just, yeah.

Margaret (10:23):

Yeah. And then, and only then might you have a chance of reconnecting in a different way. You have sort of cleaned out the bad stuff.

Craig (10:33):

Yeah. And if you're processing and dealing with it, then you really get to a good place where you can try and start something good again. Sometimes I think there are just things that we don't have explanations.

Margaret (10:45):

Absolutely. There are. And I think there are kinds of communication that we can't explain yet. Yeah. This lady's name, if you're interested, is Erin Pavlina, if you want to look her up on the computer,

Craig (11:02):

It was called how to energetically let of an ex.

Margaret (11:09):

Okay. That's my story.