How To Get Her To Think About You Non-Stop! 9 Powerful Ways!

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about how to get her to think about you. So obviously if you're interested in somebody, you're hoping that they're thinking about you, because you're thinking about them all the time and you start to have feelings for somebody and you want to see it develop. Now, if you are in a breakup, obviously you have a long history with that person. And there's a lot of things that you can remember that is going to get you to think about them more, but that works for them as well. That they're going to be able to have that long history to call up with you as well. So what do you do? How do you get somebody to think about you? Well, we've got some strategies here and some tips to consider and think about that we like, and that we think are going to help. To me, one of the most important things is focusing on how you are in the present with that person. When you're on the date, how are you doing? How are you acting? How are you treating them? What is going on? What is that connection like? You know, I can think of a couple I saw on a date years ago, they were literally both on their phone, look bored out of their mind. Why are you even together? What is the point of even being together? You must be miserable. I mean, it was literally the entire dinner. Wow. And so, you know, you don't want to be wrapped up in your own thing when you're supposed to be connecting with another person.

Victoria (02:13):

Exactly. And it's that connection that makes the moment memorable and it's going to come up in her mind over and over again. So being able to have a good time with her is going to make her feel like, wow, the time that I spend with him is more fun than the time I spend without him and that's going to make her want to spend more time with you.

Craig (02:32):

Yeah. It's so true. If you're having more fun with that person, then they're going to want more of that time with you. And so now we know that over time, a relationship isn't going to be as fun and as exciting as it is in the beginning, that's just part of dating and the newness and the excitement that comes. But that doesn't mean you can't have a lot of memorable moments, right. And even after that

Victoria (03:00):

Moment has passed, that memory is going to come up if it was a fun lighthearted one. And even after a relationship, I mean, I can think personally of people that I've dated in the past, where we've had funny moments that, you know, I'm driving to work and the memory pops up and I'm laughing. And for no reason, I look like a crazy person out here. But that's the effect of being able to be present and mindful and playful with your partner or somebody that you're dating.

Craig (03:27):

Absolutely. So it's important that when you're present with somebody on a date and you're having fun with them, that you are able to do it in a way that you're not scared to be yourself and let your guard down at times and being a little bit vulnerable with that person allows you to say that joke that maybe is right on the tip of your tongue, but you don't want to say it cause you're like, ah, I don't know. I don't know if she's going to like this or what she's going to think about it.

Victoria (04:02):

Yeah. And taking those social risks can reap a big benefit for you if it's going to make her think about you more often. So on a physiological level, being playful and humorous with your partner can reduce stress and research shows that playfulness in relationships has increased relationship satisfaction reports. So that's something to think about when you're interacting with your partner and trying to build that connection. It creates a safe atmosphere where you can be vulnerable. So it almost has this reciprocal relationship of the more playful you are. The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed you are, the more playful you can be. Yeah.

Craig (04:41):

A big part of that comes from your own insecurities and fears. If you're afraid to be alone, then you're going to be afraid to mess up. And you're not going to be more natural and be more of yourself or who you normally would be around friends and family that you know, aren't going to reject you. So you have to work through your own insecurities and become more confident because you'll add more natural to who you normally are instead of you know, being afraid of turning the person off. And then you're not yourself around them and they could feel it and the connection feels off and then they get turned off.

Victoria (05:20):

Right. And if you think about it, humor is a common trait that people name when talking about their ideal partner. So taking that risk to be humorous and be playful with somebody that you're meeting that's new is going to benefit you.

Craig (05:35):

Absolutely. It keeps things fun. It keeps things exciting. It keeps the mundane memorable, right? Like if you go to the grocery store and you're doing silly stuff and having a good time just going to the grocery store that keeps life fun. We all have things that we have to do that we don't want to do. Right. But if you laugh and joke around and have fun with your partner in those moments where you have to do things that aren't necessarily fun, it makes your life just far more enjoyable. One thing that great comedians can do is look at something slightly different, right? If you can have a different angle on thing, a different take, it, it kind of lightens things up, right? Like I was reminding coach Victoria about a joke that I used to do on my aunt about a guy that used to sell turtles on the side of the road. . And so I had a funny perspective of like, why would you buy a turtle? Like they're not that hard to catch and who is selling turtles on the side of the road. And I went into like the interesting of things of such a bizarre thing where most people just drive by and think nothing of a turtle van. But me I'm like, what is this van on the side of the road, right. Who is buying turtles? So, you know, if you can kind of look at life a little bit differently and have an interesting perspective on things, it creates memorable moments,

Victoria (07:10):

Right, So think outside of the box and talking about the turtle. No, I didn't even think about it. So I will say a disclaimer here though. You don't want to tease your partner to the point where you're hurting their feelings, because this will hurt the connection. And I'm sure you all can think of hurtful jokes that your partners may have said. So these also stick with you, be very cautious with the way you approach your partner and make sure that you're not putting them down in the way that you're being playful

Craig (07:39):

Keep in mind that everybody has their own insecurities and things that they don't like about themselves. And you just don't want to hurt them in a way or an area that they're sensitive.

Victoria (07:49):

And this goes along the lines of our next tip for getting her to think about you and that's to read the room and to think about the way you interact with other people while you're around her. So this includes the waiter at the restaurant that you're at. This includes her friends, her family, because she's going to see these interactions and then think to herself, if I'm going to integrate this person into my life, this is how they're going to interact with the people that are closest to me or people around me in general.

Craig (08:21):

Yeah. I think this is just my opinion, but women are more socially conscious and aware of how people treat each other than men are. Men tend to be a little bit more insensitive or oblivious, but I think women are more astute to picking up social cues than we guys are. And so you gotta be aware that you may not think it's a big deal, but if she finds you being rude to somebody, a waiter, somebody, a sales member or something like that, it's going to stick with her, especially when they have limited interactions with them. They're just getting to know you.

Victoria (08:59):

Right. That's really critical. Especially in the beginning, our next tip to get her to think about you is to not be too available.

Craig (09:08):

Yeah. That's a big one because you don't want to look eager. I mean, it's nice to know when somebody's interested in you, but if their interest level is too much too soon, it can get a little weird. Right. And your insecurities are going to cause you to do these things. Whether you realize it or not. I've talked about the girl who said she loved me four times on the second date. Yeah. Right. I mean, this wasn't somebody that had known me for a long time. That thought, you know, there were a lot of things that she liked about me and the friendship that we had. She barely knew me. Right. And so, you know, those kinds of things are, I mean, that was it for me. I'm like, Whoa, I mean, you don't know me. And you're telling me, you love me. You know, that is like coming on really strong. So coming on strong can come out in different ways and being too available is one of them.

Victoria (10:04):

Right. And you really want to give that space, that space between you and your partner for the wonder and the mystery and the excitement to happen. Cause if you're trying to fuse with that person too quickly, you lose all the magic and the mystery to it.

Craig (10:19):

Yeah. You really do. And then it just kind of becomes boring and it just kind of fades off like the excitement isn't there. If you have a good connection with somebody, you want it to last a long time, right. And slow is actually going to be healthier for the relationship. Allowing them time and space to appreciate those moments that they've had with you, the jokes, the inside jokes, the memories, the things that you did together, allowing them to slowly incorporate you into their life is going to make them value you more and appreciate you more as opposed to somebody that is just bombarding you, won't give you some time to do what you have to do. You know, it doesn't allow you to spend time with friends or, you know, just messages you 50 times a day.

Victoria (11:11):

Right? It allows them to appreciate you more and appreciate those moments. Just like you said. So to wrap this all up, I want to end on a Maya Angelou quote, which she says, I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will not forget how you make them feel. So if you make others feel lighthearted, fun, important, and appreciated, then this is really, what's going to get her to think about you and to consider you as a potential partner.

Craig (11:44):

Yeah. And the healthier that you get, the easier it's going to be for you to do these things, especially those moments where you're scared and you don't know what to do. And everything inside of you is making you want to panic and reconnect with them. But getting to a good, healthy place is so critical to having balance and allowing a partner to come into your life in a balanced, healthy way. And then they'll start thinking about you more and more because you're going to set yourself apart from all of the competition that is making all of these mistakes. So hopefully you found this video helpful, put a like on there, if you did, and give coach Victoria a thumbs up for her research on this one of course, if you want to get my help personally, you can go to my website askcraig.net.

How To Get Your Ex Back- The Right Way!

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about, get your ex back the right way. You know, Margaret, I have realized that we get a lot of newcomers coming to the channel all the time. People that are recently getting into a breakup and they start to search things like, how do I get my ex back? How do I get my ex back in the right way? What's the right way to get my ex back. So I thought it would be helpful to do a video for people that are, might be new to our channel. So if you're new to our channel, you know, this is some of the basic stuff that we help you guys understand about our breakup. Margaret and I have been in the field for many, many years.

Margaret (01:27):

We should add up the number of years sometime between us

Craig (01:30):

Margaret, how long have you been a social worker? 

Margaret (01:35):

40 years, right. 40 years. Yeah.

Craig (01:37):

And I have been a therapist for about 20 years. Yeah.

Margaret (01:40):

So we can edit up to 60. Yeah, yeah. We should, we should know something.

Craig (01:45):

I do know a couple of things. And so, you know, we talk about that because many of you don't know what our background is. I'm a mental health counselor. She is a licensed social worker and we've known each other for probably about 20 years

Margaret (01:59):

I think so.

Craig (02:02):

We worked together in agencies locally together, and then we started this together. I told her she was behind the scenes of when I started the channel all those years ago. And now we have coach Victoria on board. Who's been learning with us and she will eventually do coaching. She will. And she'll be wonderful.

Craig (02:20):

So we want to talk about getting your ex back the right way, because there's a lot of bad information on the internet and we know when you're going through a breakup, you can get very desperate. Yup. Okay. People will do things like love spells.

Margaret (02:41):

Right. We have heard that. Right.

Craig (02:44):

You know, they get so desperate that they will buy a love, spell thinking that's going to help get your ex back.

Margaret (02:51):

When you're desperate though, you'll try anything. It's understandable. It's tunnel vision, right? Yeah. It's tunnel vision. When you're, when you're desperate and feel up against it, your, your view of the world narrows down to just one thing. It's tunnel vision, right?

Craig (03:05):

Yeah. Yeah. And it's, you know, I think very tied to a depression that you get in that state. And so you may find yourself, you know, looking for magic beans to get your ex back essentially, but that's really not the way you want to go about this. So we're going to talk about some of these major points today. And the first one is don't try to manipulate your ex and stop trying to force your own agenda.

Margaret (03:34):

And that happens very often, very soon. Very quickly. Yeah.

Craig (03:39):

Yes. A lot of the other information out there about breakups is centered around manipulating your ex with some BS magical text that gets your ex back or a handwritten letter or grand gesture. And in my experience, it very, very rarely works. Right. I mean, if, if something like that happens to work, I think it was only because your ex was really reconsidering it anyway. Right. Right.

Margaret (04:11):

There is no magic formula. And I think sometimes when people call us, they hope we have one, but we don't, it's not magic.

Craig (04:19):

Yeah. I mean, a lot of the stuff that we're teaching you and the psychology and the understanding of mental health that's directly related to attachment and relationships working is absolutely the real stuff of how to make a relationship work and how to really repair things with your ex so you can have a real shot at repairing it and having a healthy relationship again. But you know, there's a lot of stuff out there about manipulation and using guilt pressuring your ex is a big one trying to get other family members involved or friends involved. I was guilty of that. Right. You try always backfire. It makes it worse. Yeah.

Margaret (05:07):

Always backfires. And there's always somebody who's willing to get in the middle and give everybody advice.

Craig (05:14):

I can tell you what I did. It, it backfired for me. It often just pisses your ex off. Yes. Right. It makes him really angry at you begging whether you may realize it or not is just a form of manipulation.

Margaret (05:27):

Yes. It is. It's a different form. How pathetic do I have to look, right?

Craig (05:31):

Or that you think that if you beg for that extra chance, I mean, I've heard very, very few cases over the years of begging actually working. It often turns your partner off. So these are all manipulation strategies that you want to get away from. Guilt pressure, getting other people involved trying to beg and just simply ignoring needs of your partner and what they're trying to tell you. Right. Right. That's huge. So you gotta be careful of doing those things. Of course. Some of that is to be expected in the beginning, especially the begging and trying to talk person out of it

Margaret (06:11):

Well you're shocked. Right? Yeah.

Craig (06:14):

Yeah. That's absolutely it right there is when you're shocked. So it's okay to do some of that in the beginning, but you, and don't beat yourself up if he did, because most people do those things. I was guilty of some of those things you know, I tried to grand gesture

Margaret (06:30):

And lots of people who call us say, I already tried all the things you guys said not to do. Did they work? No.

Craig (06:40):

So you know, what you really want to do is give that person space and freedom to make their own decision, which is very, very difficult, which comes along with the second major point. I want to say here is let them reach out to you, right? The way that I have explained no contact and the way that I teach it is simply not to reach out to your ex. Some people have some convoluted strategies or situations where you should ignore them. If they reach out to you or play games with them. I don't believe in that. I don't think you're going to have something healthy again, if you're playing those kinds of games.

Margaret (07:19):

Games are not healthy games or manipulations.

Craig (07:22):

So, you know, your ex made the decision to get in the relationship with you. And if they decide that they want to get out, you want to respect that decision as painful as it may be, but you want them to have that space and time to feel your absence.

Margaret (07:41):

And you're being respectful by giving them what they asked for.

Craig (07:45):

But believe it or not, you want to give your ex the space to miss you. Right. you know, a lot of times people will continually reach out to their ex or maybe they'll try 30 days at a time. Right, I'll leave him alone for 30 days and reach out well, they ignored it. So I'll try in another 30 days or you know, using the good reminder text. That's another form of manipulation.

Margaret (08:13):

Good reminder texts reminding us what a good time we had at the beach that day. Yeah.

Craig (08:17):

I just drove by the beach that we went. Do you remember when the bird pooped on your head, you know, some silly reminder of what happened and it sounds like a nice idea. I understand when you're going through a breakup, it's like, that sounds like a good idea, that does some provoking, and then you should hear all the people that are like, I tried it. What happened? Usually the response didn't work. Nothing. They didn't respond.

Margaret (08:44):

Let me just say another word about manipulation. One of the reasons why manipulation is a wrong thing is that by definition, manipulation means you're trying to get somebody to something without directly asking them to do what you want or to even tell them what you want. Okay. It's dishonest. That's the problem. Yeah.

Craig (09:05):

And many of you probably grew up in a home where your mother used a lot of guilt or your dad. Yeah. But I could say I grew up in a home where my mom used guilt, you know, the Italian guilt.

Craig (09:21):

They're famous for that. Yup. And so you may unconsciously be doing the same thing that's been done to you your entire life and you don't even realize why it's such a turnoff.

Margaret (09:31):

Again, just let me come at one more time. You lived with the Italian guilt. I lived with the Irish martyrdom. God knows I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. Yeah.

Craig (09:42):

And so when you're reaching out, trying these strategies, like a good reminder text or a handwritten letter, it just allows your ex to know that you're still wanting them. And it doesn't really get them to grieve the loss of you. Right. Because how can they grieve your loss if they don't feel the loss?

Margaret (10:03):

That's right. And if they're talking to three of your relatives and two of your friends, they can find out how you're doing anytime. Not helpful.

Craig (10:11):

So when you're reaching out, it also takes away the curiosity of what you've been doing, or if you've moved on, which people really want to know.

Margaret (10:21):

No, that's the first thing people want to know. It's been two weeks. Do you think he or she has moved on?

Craig (10:27):

And so if your ex sees that you're continually reaching out, they're not going to wonder if you've moved on. Right, right. It takes away that mystery for them. Yes. Okay. Another big issue, another big way to make sure that you're going to get your ex back the right way is to fix your own issues. Right? We all have our own issues. We all have things in our childhood that were traumatizing or difficult. And we have these blind spots within us that we don't see things about ourselves. And many of you, when you come to the channel, you see that what we're all about is healthy relationships, learning skills, being the best version of yourself. So you either have an opportunity to blow your ex away, or you're doing great in your new relationships. And that way it's a win-win and you're not so focused on, you know, just your ex. Then I get success stories almost every day about, well, maybe I didn't get my ex back, but I found this new person and they made me really happy. And thank you for all the growth and all this, you know,

Margaret (11:35):

Those are, those are wonderful to hear. Yeah.

Craig (11:37):

They're just as good as getting your ex back. I know it doesn't feel like that now. Not at the beginning. And I totally understand because I've been there, but believe me, if you find somebody new, that's amazing for you and you look at your ex, like, why was I tolerating things? Or, you know, that relationship was toxic or maybe it was even abusive. You're going to be so happy with the people that you come across that are healthier for you. Yes. So working through your own issues, you know, we have hundreds of videos on understanding, attachment styles, mental health, the workbooks are all centered around it. The course is centered around it. We're all about bettering your life after a breakup. Right? Right. Another big area and the, the last one we wanted to touch on today is that you have to realize that there are areas that you can improve. And oftentimes you're, so shell shocked that your ex left you, that you can't even realize that you can't think about what did I do wrong? Like, or what's, what did I do in this relationship that may have ultimately led to, you know, the connection being hurt or trust being hurt or the other issues that have come up. But now you have an opportunity to reprioritize yourself. And I think that when you're going through a breakup, it really gets you to reevaluate. What's important to you and prioritze.

Margaret (13:09):

Absolutely. And that's a healthy thing to do.

Craig (13:12):

I mean, you, you talked to somebody today that I did a coaching with a few weeks ago that realized they were addicted to video games. Yes

Margaret (13:19):

He did. And to his credit, he's working about as hard as anybody could. Absolutely. Yeah.

Craig (13:25):

Yeah. But when you're in that mode, you don't realize he, I mean, he was addicted to video games for years. Yes.

Margaret (13:31):

And when it looks like everything is okay, and your partner is still there, you don't think about it.

Craig (13:36):

Yeah. But when you have some time to realize, Oh my gosh, the last three girlfriends I've had have said, I don't listen. What's going on with me. I haven't been listening to my partner. And then you realize I've got to fix this. How are you going to do it? What are you going to do differently? You've got to really reflect on that and improve in those areas. You know? Maybe you could look at ways you could be more social in your life. Maybe you've only spent your time with that one person and neglected your friends or family or other areas of your life.

Margaret (14:14):

Absolutely. Maybe it's the other way around, continue with your friends and kind of neglected your partner. All possibilities can happen.

Craig (14:21):

Another big thing that you could look at is what am I doing that I'm satisfied with my life, take an inventory. Where am I satisfied in my life? Where am I not satisfied in my life?

Margaret (14:34):

Well, and don't just beat yourself up, look for what's going right and what your strengths are. And then you can decide what changes you may like to make. That's a good point to reevaluate what you want and your values and so forth and so on.

Craig (14:48):

Yeah. You might want to use this as a time to take some risks and use those opportunities to grow and learn new things that may be you haven't been willing to do before. You know, a lot of times people take a look at things in a, like, you know, I've thought about going back to school for years. Right. I wasn't motivated enough to do it. Now. I'm getting in school, I'm focused on a career or a business or something like that. But you know, it's understandable that you probably aren't going to feel very motivated, especially in the beads,

Margaret (15:21):

Not in the beginning, because it's going to take all your energy to try and deal with this shock to your system. Yep. Yep.

Craig (15:26):

But even if you can do something small, it could be meaningful.

Margaret (15:30):

Absolutely. And it can encourage you to move further

Craig (15:33):

A new hobby or just trying something new. I remember that when the Applebee's girl broke up with me, I wanted to learn a couple of dishes and learning how to cook a few different meals. And so I had my mom teach me to cook some meals that I didn't know how to do. And that made me feel good. I mean, it was not a huge thing, but I still remember what those two meals were off the top of my head, the two main ones that I asked her to help me with. Different routines can be helpful. Maybe you realize, you know, you stay up too late on the phone and you don't have a good, healthy sleep routine or exercise or eating routine. All of those are little things that can make you feel better and focus on becoming a healthier version of yourself. So when your ex either comes back or you start dating other people, you're going to look a lot more attractive.

Margaret (16:27):

Absolutely. Right. And don't forget to be nice to yourself. We're so well, programmed to beat ourselves up and people tell us, they go over every phrase, every word they ever said, wondering, which was the one that put their partner off. And it's probably not just one phrase at all, but find your strengths too.

Craig (16:47):

Yep. Absolutely. Because when you start doing these things, people are going to notice. Your friends are going to notice, your family is going to notice. They're going to be happy with seeing you do something positive because I really think there's nothing more motivating than a breakup. Right. And I know it's been, you know, the times in my life where I was absolutely laser-focused on the personal growth and bettering myself and so use this as an opportunity because I promise you very few of your exes will do as much work as the dumpee is. Right. Right. The dumper is very rarely motivated like the dumpee is right.

Margaret (17:31):

As they've been in control and the dumpee hasn't been, and the dumpee is going to say, I don't want this to ever happen to me or anybody else again. Yeah.

Craig (17:38):

Yeah. So use that to your advantage, knowing that whatever's going on in your ex's life, the motivation that you do, if you're really consistently making an effort, even if it's just a little bit every day, it's probably going to be far more than they do a couple months down the road, three months down the road, six months down the road, whatever it is, you know? Absolutely. Because exes do come back all the time and you know, sometimes even after years. Absolutely.

Margaret (18:09):

And I'll hear, I haven't heard from them for three weeks. I know it's over. Oh, it could be three months, three years. Absolutely.

Craig (18:16):

In fact, I heard from somebody recently that I hadn't heard from him in about two and a half years. So, and it was interesting Margaret and I talked about it and you know, there was probably more to it than what was on the surface, but it shows you that people come back all the time, just stay focused on yourself and being the best version of yourself and it's a, win-win either way. And those are some strategies to make sure you're going to get your ex back the right way. And of course, we're here for coaching. And if you want to get our help, personally, all you have to do is go to my website, AskCraig.net, sign up for the option that you prefer.

What NOT To Do When Meeting Your Ex (4 HUGE Mistakes)

In this video, I'm going to be talking to about what not to do around your ex. You know, after somebody's broken up with us and we're just overwhelmed by emotions, we start acting irrationally. We start doing a lot of things that maybe we're embarrassed of or ashamed of later, and we kind of lose our emotional balance. And so we become so focused and obsessed on trying to get them back that we don't think clearly, we get like tunnel vision. And it's important to understand that how you behave is going to make a major impact on whether or not your ex will revisit the idea of getting back with you. A lot of times, we get so overwhelmed with emotions. When we get in front of our ex that we lose our balance again, we go back into our old mindset of the breakup, and it's important that you have to try and start fresh. You don't want to try and be in that dynamic of that person has all the power and you feel powerless, but that's often how we feel is we feel stuck in where we were when they made the decision, because in a lot of cases, time has passed the balance. Isn't as shifted as you thought it was, especially if they're agreeing to meet with you or they're wanting to meet with you in person, it's not as unbalanced where they were cutting you out of their life totally. Or they were so set in their decision. At least it's less likely to be that way because they're agreeing to meet up with you. So I've got four really important tips for you guys on how to act around your ex, because it's really, really important. You don't make these mistakes. The first thing you want to make sure you don't do is come on too strong.

Craig (02:38):

Okay? A lot of times you're trying to desperately get an answer from them on what they want and why they're meeting up with you. And if they're gonna give you another shot, right? You're so obsessed with, are they going to give us another shot? Are they gonna give me another chance that you will come on strong? Obviously your ex is meeting up with you so they have some kind of agenda. There's a reason they're meeting up with you, right. Something inside of them is making them say, okay, I want to see you. I want to get together whether or not it's they want to get you back or they want to talk about, about things or maybe they want to get with you just for closure. Sometimes an ex will miss you for a certain amount of time. And they'll think about you and they'll think about getting back with you, but they're like, you know, I don't think it's going to work and they'll actually kind of in their own mind, meet up with you for closure. And so if they're in that mindset of I'm going there, just to make sure I'm done with this and I'm over it, and you start to behave in an attractive way, that idea of closure can be thrown out the window. And there'll be like, wow, I really had a good time. And they really did make all these changes. I didn't think I would want to, but I actually am open to another shot at this. And that actually happens a lot. So even if you think that they're there for closure, stay calm. If you behave in a way where you do, they might change their mind. Okay. This next one I really like too don't make a big deal about the breakup.

Craig (04:20):

And there's a really funny story that I like. I love from Larry, David, I don't know if you know who Larry David is. He's one of my favorite comedian slash writers. He wrote the Seinfeld show and curb your enthusiasm. And I find him absolutely hysterical. And there's a great story about him that he shares where when he was working on Saturday night, live as a writer many, many years ago in the seventies, way before he was famous he helped on the show trying to get sketches on the air. Well, one night he didn't stay for the read through and the boss kind of saw him. The producer was like, where are you going? And he's like, well, I'm going home. I wrote a couple sketches. I wrote a couple of ideas, gotta get outta here. Like we always stay all night for the readthrough. And he's like, well, why, why would you do that? That's stupid. We've had weeks to work on this. Why would you stay an extra eight to 10 hours? I want to go home. So he goes home. Well, after that point, he rounds up not getting any of his sketches or ideas on the air. They probably are upset at him for what happened. So he had written a bunch of great sketches that he really liked. And he said they were working and it looked like they were good on the air, but they all got canceled. And so finally he has it and he gets so annoyed. He screams at the producer, that's it, I'm done. This show stinks. I've had it. And he's just start yelling at the guy. He just blows up and he goes, I quit. You're never going to see me again.

Craig (05:59):

So he starts walking home and he's all upset and he's angry. And then he thinks to himself, wait you know, this is going to cost me a lot of money. I had enough money from this job to pay for my bills for the next two years. What am I doing? I don't know what's going on. I don't know if I should have done this. So he goes home and his neighbor's like, what are you doing here? You're here early. And his neighbor was actually Kenny Kramer, the guy that the Kramer character was based on. So he tells him what happened and how he had quit his job. And he blew up and screamed at him and everything else. And his buddy Kramer looks at him and goes, well, why don't you just go back there on Monday and pretend that it never happened. So that's what he did a Monday.

Craig (06:50):

He goes in, he's in front of everybody. He sits at the table meeting. Everybody's looking at him like, what are you doing here? You blew up, you quit. And he's just acting like it never happened. And the producer looks at him and asked him what his sketch ideas are. And he tells him, and he didn't wind up getting fired, even though he technically quit. But my point of this story is, is that when you're in front of your ex, try not to make a big deal of it. Like, you know, he did, he like, it didn't really happen. So you kind of want to act like the breakup didn't really happen. One of my mistakes with the Applebee's girls was I kept talking about my feelings, how much she had hurt me, how badly I missed her daughter. And I kept kind of emphasizing it instead of focusing on, Hey, just having a great time with them again.

Craig (07:40):

So try not to make a big deal about the breakup. Can't act like it didn't happen altogether, but if it comes up, you talk about it. Right? Okay. Third one. Don't assume you have to get them back in that first meeting. Okay. This is a big mistake. It's not now or never. It feels like it's now or never. Like if I don't nail this down, if I don't talk about it, if I don't know where they're at or what we're doing here in that initial meetup, it feels like you're going to be scared and anxious and confused, and you're going to lose them. That's not the case. Okay. I had that fearful mindset back in the day, but you don't need to be that afraid that if you don't get them back after that meetup, that it won't happen. Your goal, your focus is leaving a great impression and showing them how different you are and the dynamic is not the, they have all the power and they broke up with you that you had just when the breakup happened. Okay. One more. And I want to share this as another one that I saw that was really unfortunate. I've seen quite a few times, getting too comfortable too soon. Okay. So I have had several clients that actually got back with their ex, but they went back to their old ways really quickly and it blew their shot. Okay. So you're going to find that if you're not vigilant with yourself, you're going to go back to your insecure ways. As soon as you get comfortable again, okay. You got to look at it like you're on probation. Tell yourself that if I get my ex, I'm going to continue to work as hard as you are right now for nine months, say nine months. Because if you do, and you really stick to that, you will make really long lasting changes. Okay? But if you give up right, when you get them back, I just hear it all the time. A month, two months after you get them back, you're going to go back to those old ways. I had one guy who had been in no contact for like a year, and this guy did tremendous amounts of work. He'd done a lot of work. He'd done the workbooks he'd been working really hard, totally changed himself. Well, first couple of times, he went out with her. Things were great. They had even hooked up. He was really happy. Third date. He made a big mistake that was one of her major complaints in the relationship.

Craig (10:25):

He did it on the third date and that was it. She was done. And she wound up never coming back and giving them another shot after that. She was so fed up and it was crazy because honestly the mistake wasn't that big, but in his situation, because it was something that had to upset her about their dynamic, she was like, you see, it is the same way that it's going to be. And then she started dating somebody else. Actually. Now that I think about it after that third date, so you don't want to get comfortable too soon and go back to your old ways. Otherwise you're going to be in for another breakup. Okay. So hopefully you found these tips helpful. And if they, if you did make sure you put a like on the video for me to support the channel.

Women NEED To Wonder About You

I'm going to be talking to about women need to wonder about you. So this is really important to understand time and space in dating and in relationships. But especially when you're dating somebody new and they don't know a lot about you. It seems like lately I've had a lot of people in my Skype calls asking me questions about dating and navigating, especially if they're coming out of a longterm relationship, they haven't dated in a long time and they don't know what to do. So this is going to be a really important video for you guys, because one of the biggest things that I see men do, especially early in dating, is coming on too strong and not being a challenge. Let me say that again, coming on too strong and not being a challenge. So a lot of our behavior in dating and relationships has to do with our self worth and our self esteem.

Craig (01:53):

We all want a secure partner, because if you think about it, secure partners are trusting. They're patient. They're understanding they're easy going. They're fun. They're good at communicating. They often like intimacy. It's just ideal. They're supportive. They're confident, really they're confident. And so when a secure guy is single, he's going to display those behaviors when he's dating, right? So he's going to take his time to get to know people. He's going to recognize his value. And he's going to look for what he considers to be his best option. Now you have insecure people and of course we're all insecure in our own ways, but the more insecure you are, the more behaviors you're going to display. That is a turnoff. So think about it. The insecure people always get anxious, or even avoidant because they feel so overwhelmed by the closeness. But anxiety often causes us to do really unattractive behavior. We get angry. We lash out, we get manipulative, we get controlling, we lose our temper. We lose emotional self control. Sometimes we get manipulative and controlling. We don't listen. And we're generally not fun to be around. Right? And the more often we do it, the more our partners aren't going to want to be around us. So you also have to think if you're doing a lot of these behaviors, you can't retain emotional self control. You are a danger to that person. Now they're scared of you. They feel threatened by you because you could lose your temper and hurt them. So you got to be aware that when you behave like that, women by nature are going to be scared. They're not going to want to be close to you. They're going to want to stay distant from you. They can't trust you. Okay. So insecure guys often don't I believe that they have any value, right?

Craig (04:19):

So when you believe that, and you're scared of that, you act in that way, especially the preoccupied anxious people. What happens with them is for some reason that anxiety wants to take over and make us control that person to keep them with us. And then that just makes them want to run and leave the situation. So one of the things that I see all the time is that women are more drawn to avoidant men. And you know, the guys that are considered jerks, you know, that are players. Why? Well, I think part of it has to do with, they display a confident kind of behavior. Now, in many ways, they're not confident, but because they're independent, it looks like they are this confidence self-assured person. When reality they're really terrified of any kind of connection or commitment. And they're likely to leave the woman and hurt the woman whereas the preoccupied, anxious guys are often working harder to make the relationship work. The more caring, the more considerate. Now, of course, there's, you know, a continuum here and the more anxious you are, you're not going to be as caring and considerate. But I tend to find that more anxious guys are thoughtful and trying to be there for the women. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes it's actually overwhelming. And they don't like that. Okay. Now, guys, you got to understand that if you don't correct this, if you don't really work on becoming a more secure person, these behaviors are going to come out. Especially in time. In the beginning, you might be able to put on a show and you know, do your best behaviors. But in time they're gonna see right through it because women know how to weed out guys fast. Here's a simple technique. They could do. Not even a technique. They take their time replying to some guys. If she senses you're anxious, she might stop replying to you or taking a long time because she wants to see what you do. Do you leave her alone or do you continue to reach out, reach out, reach out. And then she's like, Oh boy, here. She could see right through it. And then next thing you know, she loses interest. Some guys, like I said earlier, come on strong in the beginning that it turns women off. You might be one of these guys telling women that you want to marry them before you've even met them. You should hear how many women tell me guys are doing this on their dating sites. They're Oh, I love you. I want to get engaged. I want to marry you. I want to move to be with you. Haven't even met. But think about what that saying about you. You know what I mean? Like how much value do you really have to do that? So coming on too strong is one of the fastest ways to turn a woman off. So I got an email from a guy that I did a Skype with not that long ago. And he wanted to ask me some questions based on what was going on with this situation now. So he said, hi, Craig, hope you and Margaret are doing well. I originally came to you with a different breakup in the spring. I just wanted to tell you the call was really helpful. And I learned a lot. I started seeing a new Ooh girl right away. She and I were dating for about four months when she started to lose interest, we were never official, so we are technically in a breakup situation. In our Skype, we were talking about dating. And you were talking about getting women to think about you and wonder what is going on with you. I wanted to give you an update on what's going on since our call. You are right when you said that dating seemed to be overwhelming for me and brings out my insecurities. I really had no idea how much I didn't know about dating and relationships. It actually didn't even hit me about what you told me until this new relationship fell apart as well. So even though we the call, he didn't have that aha moment that we get when we figure things out until another relationship fell apart and then it probably hit him. Wow, I am really insecure. And I got to do something about that. Thanks to you. I realize I have an anxious attachment style and I'm working on that. Your knowledge workbooks are actually helping me a lot, but I am still learning. So I still get anxious and confused. I actually do get a lot of questions about the workbooks and the only place you can get them is on my website. Askcraig.Net. You just click on the little tab that says workbooks. I have one through five, and then I have the elite series six through 10, or you could get the whole bundle one through 10 and save cause I have it at a discount. So let me go on here. He said, you said that because I've been so available that women are losing interest and then I'm not being any kind of challenge. But I had no idea that was even wrong. I thought I was supposed to be texting girls all the time in order to get her to like me. And when I like a girl a lot, I want to tell her, well, you know, I could totally understand what you feel like that when I was younger, I didn't understand this.

Craig (10:27):

My mom and dad didn't sit me down and explain dating in any way. I think both of them were clueless. But you know, I navigated in the similar fashion. I thought you wanted to text someone all the time. I thought you wanted to talk to them all the time and you know, spend hours on the phone and tell somebody how you feel. But there are negative consequences to that. Okay. And that's why it's so important. That one I'm telling you, you stay disciplined with the girls that you like. See oftentimes with the girls we're not too crazy about. It's easy to behave in a natural way where you're not coming on too strong. But when we really liked somebody and we fantasize about who they are or what might happen with us, we come on so strong. And it's so important that you do these strategies with those people otherwise you mess up with the people that you're really hoping for a shot with. So when you come on too strong and you tell a girl that you like her so quickly, she doesn't wonder about things anymore. There's no mystery. There's no excitement. There's no laying her head on the pillow at night and thinking, I wonder if he's going to call me again. I wonder when he's going to text me. I wonder if he had a good time. You put all the cards out on the table with somebody that you don't really know. And you know, if you tell someone you liked them a lot right away, it doesn't really give them an opportunity to showcase who they are to show their personality and the qualities they could bring to the table. Right? Because you're, you're just like, well, you know, we went out two times, let's be exclusive. It's Whoa, I like you a lot. Okay. But you don't really know them. Right? It's really important. You understand that. And when you're willing to give up being singled to be in a committed relationship, it's like, you know, you're throwing away your value if you don't really know that person, because in other words, you have tons of options. And you're saying I'm giving up all those options for you. Even though we barely know each other. And we just started dating a couple of weeks ago. I think you got to take your time because you want to show, Hey, I got plenty of options. Show me why would be a good fit. I'll show you. You show me, it's gotta be both people trying to show each other. And if you're jumping all in, when you don't really know somebody, it doesn't really give a, a chance for both of you guys to do that.

Craig (13:13):

There's another way to look at it. Let's say you're looking for a job. And the first place you get interviewed hires you at minimum wage. Well, if you just accept minimum wage without looking at what the other offers are, then you're going to be settling for less. You want to go to a place where you're going to get your full value, but if you say, okay, I'll take minimum wage. That's all you're going to get. And it looks eager. It looks needy. Now, if you believe that you have true value, you're going to say, you know what? I'm going to have to think about it. That's less than what I was expecting. And this is what I'm going to need for a salary. And if you guys can't do that, I think I'm going to have to go elsewhere. You see, you know, your value and you're acting accordingly. It's really important that you do that. That is what secure guys do in relationships. They're not going to jump into something with somebody that are really know they're going to take their time. They're going to be confident that if this isn't the right person, I'm going to see who else might be. Alright, let me go on with the email. He said, I feel like I'm doing something wrong with my dating life. This really messes me up because when I see a girl is on social media all the time, like Snapchat or Instagram, I assume she's talking with other guys all the time and not me. So I feel like I have to keep up with those guys. Or she will wind up liking them more. It makes me really anxious so I can't help but message her. Okay? What you can help but message her. You got to take your time. Let her think about you. Let her wonder what you're doing. Let her think about the time in between your dates to wonder how life is going for you. You know, if you're texting all the time, you're not going to have much to say when you're in person, you've said everything. Plus the excitement that comes with texting somebody new will get boring and it will fade away and then there'll be less attracted, right? Cause they won't be thinking about you as much. So you've got to think about these things. You want to take a girl out, have a great time, get to know her, show her who you are, see what you guys have in common. See if you guys would be a good fit and then you set another date in like another week. You don't want to text all day long. It gets boring. They lose interest, not as exciting. And then they start wondering about those guys that aren't texting them all day long. Believe it or not. He goes on to say, as you may remember with the girl I was dating, we were talking every day. At first things were going really good.

Craig (16:23):

Once we started hooking up, it was good for a few months. She seemed to like me. I would message her in the morning. And then probably a bunch of times throughout the day, I thought it was going good. And I probably didn't realize it wasn't until her texts were getting shorter in length. And she was taking longer to answer. Then the last time I asked her to get together, she says, she's not sure what she wants right now. And started making excuses not to see me. The first time was when she canceled on a date that I thought was all set. Her reason was that she was too tired from work. I was shocked. I said, but we have plans to go to dinner. She said, no, I told you it should work, but I would call you when I got out of work. Now I'm calling you on my way home from work and I'm not up for it tonight. So was that rude? Well, they didn't have definite plans, but maybe she was testing him because he was coming on so strong and wanted to see what he was going to do. Is he going to get all upset or is he going to say, okay, you know, I didn't really like that. You're canceling last minute. I thought we had plans, but fine. You know, contact me when you're free something more casual and relaxed, you know? But he says, I got really upset on the phone with her. I tried to hold it in, but she knew I was mad. Yup. This is why guys you want to make sure you have definite dates. You have a definite time, a place, a plan in place. And it's confirmed. You don't want to settle for, we'll see or maybes. Because a lot of times they're just going to cancel on you to make matters worse. She posted on Instagram a few hours later with friends. I was so pissed. I deleted her off Instagram. Well, if she was testing you, you walked right into that trap and you failed it because he got angry. You got upset. And then you deleted her. How is a woman supposed to feel safe if you're going to get upset over things like that? It's not easy to get to this place to get secure, confident, but it's really where you want to be.

Craig (18:59):

She actually texted me in the morning and asked me if I had deleted her. Oh, she knew she saw, I tried to lie it first and played dumb, but I couldn't tell where I could tell she didn't believe me. So I told her the truth. Well, at least he told the truth. She probably knows you were trying to lie. But again, it goes and chose a reflection of how insecure you are. After that day. She started making other excuses. She was sick, busy work with work, et cetera. Well, you know, if somebody is going to start making excuses and not as excited or eager to see you don't be as excited or eager to see them either. You don't want to be all in on somebody. Who's obviously making excuses like I'm tired. I don't know if she was tired or she just wanted to go out with her friends or she really was tired and she got so annoyed by you that she decided to go out with friends, who knows. So I stopped reaching out. I've been working on the knowledge every day, but I know I still have a lot to learn. After about two weeks of leaving her alone, she messaged me and hinted that she was free one evening, you see, you gave her some time and some space to wonder about what was going on. If you had lost interest, if you had forgotten about her or just said, I'm moving forward. And then she reached out, she wouldn't have reached out and hinted if she was completely done with you.

Craig (20:49):

So I invited her to hang out. We actually did and had a really good time. Now she's going away with her family. And she said, she'll be back in about two weeks. Should I reach out to her on the trip or wait until she gets home? Okay. Well, if I was in that situation, I would probably see if she reaches out to you before her trip. And if she does say, Hey, have a great time with your family, have a lot of fun. And let me know. When you get back in town, we could get together. You can tell me all about it and just let her do her thing right now. You know, if she wants to contact you on the trip, she will. But the last thing you want to do is start contacting her. Cause you miss her on the trip. And then she gets annoyed. She says, Oh well, I'm with my family right now. Why are you reaching out? You know, I'm coming home in a week or whatever it is. So you want to give her some time she wants to reach out to you when she's on the trip. Great. If not, she'll probably reach out when she gets home. Okay? But guys, you really do have to display confidence and give people the opportunity to choose you as well. Let them think about you. Let them wonder about you. You reach out, you set a date, you make a definite date, time place, all that stuff. How are you going to meet? Have a great time. And then you try and set up a date for the next week. And if she reaches out to you, great, but don't spend all day on the phone, texting or calling. You want to have fun in person. That's really where you're going to convey your personality and you're going to have a great time with them.

Let Them Go To Get Them Back

Today we're going to be talking about, let them go to get them back. Does that make sense to you, Margaret?

Margaret (00:49):

In a weird kind of way. It really does in a weird kind of way.

Craig (00:54):

You know, Margaret, before you share what you have today, I wanted to say, people always ask us about the law of attraction and does the law of attraction work for dating. And for me, I don't know how you feel about this, but for me, it's almost the opposite of what people say the law of attraction is when it comes to re-attracting an ex. For me, it's almost like you don't manifest them by thinking about them. You kind of manifest them back by saying, that's it I'm done. I'm moving on with my life. And then they kind of sense it. I don't know how, I don't know why, you know,

Margaret (01:30):

So the law of attraction would say where your focus is, that's what you're going to get put out to the universities, what you're going to get. But I don't think it works here. I've never been a great believer, I must confess, in the laws of attraction. Now I do believe there is an unconscious mind and we can draw things or not draw things to ourselves without knowing it. But I don't know about the law of attraction. There are many people who are more familiar with it than I, yeah, but for me, in my experience with breakups, it's almost just seems like that letting go is when they start to somehow sense it or feel it.

Craig (02:09):

Absolutely. But you can't inauthentically do it. You can't fake it. You really have to process and deal and heal and grow. And when you really genuinely mean it, that's when they tend to come back, I call it a disturbance in the force. Yet the disturbance, a disturbance in the ether is something other people will say, and I've always called it the airwaves. Yeah. That's just my take on it. You guys can disagree if you want. That's totally understandable. But in my case, and just seeing breakups all the time, I just see it so often. It's just, it just blows me away. And even in my own life where I've got to places with certain people where I was okay with not being with them, it's when they wanted me. Of course.

Craig (03:00):

So, we're going to talk about how letting go can actually get someone back.

Margaret (03:06):

We're going to talk mostly about letting go because so many people struggle terribly with it. And I have two sets of thoughts on it today. Now this one is almost a guided imagery. It's a little out there for me, a little wifi. So I hope you'll bear with me, but the reason it caught my attention is because, believe it or not, it agrees with Freud. Now for its concept of attachment and grief, he saw grief as you know, the process of letting go of attachment. And he saw it in terms of energy as does this particular author. And when, if you look at it, it's the classic denial, anger

Craig (03:51):

Bargaining

Margaret (03:55):

Grief, and then finally acceptance. So when you get to acceptance, you have withdrawn your energy from the object, whether it's a loss of a partner or someone has passed, whatever. So he sees it as a slow process of taking your energy back. And this lady talks in terms of energy too. So let me tell you what she has to say.

Margaret (04:19):

How possibly do you let let go of someone who you really love? And she goes back to the beginning of the relationship and says that when you let someone into your heart, you create an energetic bond with them. In other words, there's an exchange of energy between the two of you. As your heart opens their energy mingles with yours until you are one big swirling ball of love energy. That's the fun part, right? You make your friends sick with all of the love. You're spewing. It's fun. It's awesome. You get closer still. And now your partner's energy is setting up residence in your heart. It's like you gave them a drawer in your dresser. I love that. Okay. It's like you gave the majority of dresser or space in your closet for their things. You're attached. Okay? What's actually happening, energetically is that you're building a cord of energy between the two of you.

Margaret (05:22):

You have cords of energy between you and all the people you let into your life. Friends, relatives, coworkers, etcetera. But the strongest cord is usually between you and your partner. It's built on love, experiences, shared dreams and future plans. Okay? So what happens when you break up energetically, the cord can rip and tear, a disruption occurs the love energy that used to flow back and forth between you is now poison, angry, upset, etcetera. And that cord continues to pump energy into you. Where once it was good, now, it doesn't feel good at all. When you're ready to let go of your ex energetically, there are ways you can do it and do it so you don't hurt so badly.

Craig (06:20):

Everybody's like, please help tell me how to do it.

Margaret (06:24):

Yeah. First you've got to gently lift the cord up and out of your energetic body and let it fall gently to the floor in peace, in love for your own good. And for the highest good to do this, repeat this mantra, or use it as an example and create your own.

Craig (06:44):

Okay? So she wants you to kind of visualize a mantra.

Margaret (06:48):

Visualize it while you say this mantra to yourself, I release your energy from mine. I send you peace, love and compassion. I appreciate the love we shared, but now it's time to let you go. I wish you well, then literally imagine yourself lifting the cord up out of your heart and let it walk to gently to the ground. This will release you from their energy. So it doesn't continue to negatively affect you. If your ex wants to keep pumping hatred or blame or anger through the court, it will no longer be anchored in you. And that's his or her choice to keep doing that if desire, but you've literally unplugged

Craig (07:34):

From that person. Okay. That's an interesting visualization. I just kind of imagined like a, like a power cord going into your heart. And you're just like, and then you're like thoughts down on the ground, you know? And just like, you know, and so if there's anger and hatred, it spews out, but you walk, you left the court and you walked away. Yeah.

Margaret (07:58):

There's no longer that conduit, that cord that connection. So I thought it was useful. You need, you may need to do this several times until you really feel released from your ex's energy.

Craig (08:09):

Yeah, for sure. I definitely think you'd have to do that several times.

Margaret (08:12):

Yeah. I'm sure you would. Most people try to rip the cord from their body, leaving pieces behind like angry shrapnel that continues to poison you over the years. It's far better to take the arrow out and clean the area without leaving any of the barbs behind. When you released the energetic could between you, you may feel like there's a gaping hole in your heart to close the wound, use this mantra. I am whole and complete within myself. I am worthy of being loved for who I truly am. I am always connected to the universe. I feel love around me. And remember that I am never truly alone. When you were saying this mantra, imagine a beautiful, pure white light coming into your body and filling you with love. And I like the image again, of a hole in your heart. I've had so many people literally say that to me. You know, since my partner is gone, I feel like I have a hole in my heart. That is how you feel. Yeah.

Craig (09:19):

Yeah. For me, I felt like a giant gaping hole in my chest. Yeah. But yeah, heart too. But too, it's like, yeah. In your chest, it really felt like it. Yeah. It's just unreal.

Margaret (09:34):

Anyway, I'm not particularly into guided imageries either. But I liked this one and I thought the theory was sound behind it. Yeah.

Craig (09:44):

Because you know, you've talked to me about Freud many times over the year and how he believed in energy. Okay.

Margaret (09:51):

Energy. his whole theory. The steam engine was a fairly new thing when Freud was coming up with his theory and much of it is based on energy and energy flow. Hmm. Yeah. There's a little tidbit of useless information for you, but I, I saw the parallel here. Yeah. Yeah.

Craig (10:10):

And I really do think that somehow letting someone go a sense, it, they actually feel it and you've seen it in your work. I've seen it in mine. It's just, yeah.

Margaret (10:23):

Yeah. And then, and only then might you have a chance of reconnecting in a different way. You have sort of cleaned out the bad stuff.

Craig (10:33):

Yeah. And if you're processing and dealing with it, then you really get to a good place where you can try and start something good again. Sometimes I think there are just things that we don't have explanations.

Margaret (10:45):

Absolutely. There are. And I think there are kinds of communication that we can't explain yet. Yeah. This lady's name, if you're interested, is Erin Pavlina, if you want to look her up on the computer,

Craig (11:02):

It was called how to energetically let of an ex.

Margaret (11:09):

Okay. That's my story.