3 Things you MUST Do in No Contact

Today we're going to be talking about three things that you must do in no contact. You know, when you're in a situation that you're not reaching out to your ex and you're really struggling, it can be very difficult and you are kind of all over the place. So we got three things here that I think are really big things that you have to do that you want to stick to while you're in a situation where if you're leaving somebody alone and you're trying to, you know, obviously if you want to work it out with them, you want to let them come to you. Right? But that time is so hard because every second feels like an eternity. But I got three things here that are really important. Okay. The first one is that you want to focus on understanding why the relationship didn't work out.

Craig (01:41):

That's a big one. Don't you think?

Margaret (01:43):

I don't know. She, she just got cold on me. I don't know what happened. Yeah. Okay. How do you do that? Yeah. How do you think about it? How do you go about thinking about it?

Craig (01:55):

Well, I would say, you want to think about where you guys had fights or arguments, disagreements.

Margaret (02:02):

What did you use to have fights about? What did you fight about? What did you disagree about? Right.

Craig (02:07):

Another big thing. I would say you want to look for is, was there something that this person kept saying they needed from you or asking from you repeatedly and you weren't doing it? Because that's telling you that they have this unmet need and they're trying to express it to you repeatedly. And you weren't meeting that, whatever it is, right. You were on your cell phone too much, or we didn't do vacations together. Or we spend too much time with your family and not enough with mine, whatever it might be. But you have to really think about what went wrong. Because if you don't know what went wrong, how are you going to fix it? Right.

Margaret (02:48):

You can't do it. And you know, it's nice if your partner can cooperate in that. Yeah.

Craig (02:55):

But a lot of times your ex doesn't really tell you the reason,

Margaret (02:58):

You know what I hear the most often? They said they needed space and that they had to focus on themselves.

Craig (03:04):

That's a big one. But usually those are the, like the generic reasons. There's no authentic reason there. Because a lot of times they feel like if they're telling you the real reason, then you're just going to try and say, "I'll fix that. I'll change that now. Well, if you just give me the chance, I'll do it." Right. But at that point, they're frustrated, it's too late. And you're trying to talk them into something when they don't want it.

Margaret (03:29):

But if you take a long, hard, honest look about, like you say, the things that somebody might have asked from you that you didn't do. And probably one of them is, you know, they weren't present enough. They worked too much. And when they were here, they were just on their phone. Yup. Those are big ones. Those are big.

Craig (03:47):

You have to know what happened. And obviously Margaret and I go into a lot of deep issues, looking at factors like individuation, mental health attachment styles, all the different areas that we explore that help you really look at your own situation and kind of put things together for what happened. Right. You know, you have to be willing to look at it. Yeah. You know, if you keep looking at this cliche stuff, that's out there, you're not really going to get to the meat of the problem. Right. You know, which is what you gotta do here. You know, you also want to think about how long they may have been unhappy. Right. You know, you might have a situation where your ex has been unhappy for months and they didn't tell you. Right. I had a situation today where the woman didn't tell him that she was unhappy and I think it was because she was afraid he would freak out. So she kind of was quickly navigating how to get out of the situation without telling him.

Margaret (04:51):

What was she afraid he'd do?

Craig (04:55):

I think she was afraid. Honestly, I think she had a lot of her own issues. And I think that she had a lot of trauma growing up. And so she's kind of maybe afraid of men's reactions,

Margaret (05:05):

Any risk rhat somebody might get out of control and really angry, scared, whatever.

Craig (05:10):

Yeah. So I think sometimes your ex or your, your partner doesn't want to tell you what's going on because they're not good with confrontation or they're not good with handling negotiation

Margaret (05:23):

And many people are not good at it.

Craig (05:25):

Yeah. but it's really important to understand where did this go wrong? What, what happened? What did you do that may have turned them off? What did they do that may have caused issues in the relationship? Cause both of you were responsible, you know, it's definitely not all on you, even though it feels like it. So you want to think about the reasons they gave you. Sometimes there's real authentic stuff there. Sometimes it's just the same BS where they just don't want to deal with something. Right. Right. But, you know, I think that's a big step in figuring out how to fix the situation. Yeah,

Margaret (06:00):

Absolutely. Well, you can't treat without a diagnosis. How's that?

Craig (06:05):

Okay. The next thing you want to do is after you've kind of spent time really looking at what happened, your mistakes, where it went wrong, when you had issues, all those things, you want to come up with a plan, right? Like what are you going to do to make it better? Why is it going to be better next time? How are you going to make sure that when you're in this situation next time, where that thing that you argued about 25 times doesn't become an argument again? Right, I mean, that's a tough thing to do is actually come up with a strategy and stick to it.

Margaret (06:38):

It's not easy. Yeah.

Craig (06:41):

But you know, you want to kind of imagine what it would be like when you get back together, like what are the scenarios where we did struggle?

New Speaker (06:50):

What kinds of things do you need to look out for? Yeah. What kinds of things do you need to do that you didn't do? Like talk to each other, which is the biggest one.

Craig (07:00):

I was always the kind of person to over prepare for things like I would, my anxiety would cause me to prepare an over-prepare. Right. Like, especially when I was doing standup comedy a lot and I would, you know, do a lot of shows and professional shows. I would be the one comic that would go over material again and again.

Margaret (07:21):

At least it's a constructive symptom. Yeah. It helped you work harder and better.

Craig (07:26):

Yeah. And that was one of the things that I would make sure that I was on point a lot of times, because I wouldn't know my material inside and out and I would practice it and I recite it. And you know, before a show or a big show, a lot of times I'd be outside pacing around going over my notes over and over and over again. But it kept me on point when the time came. And so I would over-prepare and that's what I want you guys to do because you know, you don't want to under prepare and then regret it. Right. It's better to over-prepare and be over. Yeah.

Margaret (08:06):

Yeah. And you feel more confident when you're doing that too. It'll keep you sharp.

Craig (08:10):

Yup. Right. Yeah. Cause then you'll imagine, Oh, I already felt like, yeah, I'm ready. And then you stay calm and you feel more confident, relaxed about it. Right. And here's the third biggest pointer and this is really important. Okay. You thought about what went wrong. You come up with a plan, maybe you've done a coaching with us and you've, or you've done the workbooks and you were working on all the skills. Yeah. Have to stick to that plan when you're in front of your ex.

Margaret (08:42):

Right. If you get the ex back, don't stop doing what you were doing. Right? Yeah.

Craig (08:48):

Stay motivated, stay watching the channel, stay committed to the personal growth. Don't go back to your old ways. You should see how many people I've seen that will, you know, do all the right things. And then they get so overridden by anxiety or emotions that their ex says or does anything to trigger them that they make a million mistakes go back to the same behavior.

Margaret (09:18):

So it's like, "well, I got, I accomplished my goal. I got him or her back. So now I can just relax again." Yeah. Oh, don't do that to yourself.

Craig (09:28):

I can guarantee that when the time comes, that when you get in front of your ex, your body is going to be overwhelmed with anxiety and you are going to want to start a five hour text conversation or stay on the phone with them for three hours and talk about everything. And all of the plans that I tell you. Like, if your ex reaches out, you want to set a date, you want to do this in person. I had somebody email me recently that they said, "Oh, my ex finally reached out and we've been texting for the last six hours."

Margaret (10:08):

There are some things you really need to do in person

Craig (10:14):

Six hours?! Why didn't you set a date with them? And it wasn't somebody that coaching with me, but I was just so like, Oh gosh, I know this is going to be gone before you even realize it, because they're going to know everything about you. That excitement of not having talked to you in months is going to be gone by the time you get together.

Margaret (10:34):

I had somebody say to me, very hesitantly, "maybe there are some things you shouldn't do over text." Yes. There were lots of things you shouldn't do over texts. Yeah. It's not as personal as being in the room with someone

Craig (10:49):

You're not trying to text your ex back. You're trying to get with them in person so they can remember what it's like to actually be in your presence and feel that energy and that connection that you had even from when you initially started dating, it's not going to help you to throw all that out. And that's what I'm saying is like, you didn't stick to the plan, right? The minute they reached out to you, you panicked, you came on too strong. You said he spent two hours or three hours on the phone. You spend all this time texting. When what you needed to do is get in front of them and show off all of these changes that you'd been working on for probably months. Yeah.

Craig (11:32):

Very disheartening for me to see to happen to you guys. You got to stick to the plan, right? Figure out what went wrong. Margaret and I are here to do that. If you don't do a coaching with us, you know, there's tons of information we have. Like, I don't even remember how many hundreds of videos at this point. Was it 700, 800 videos I don't ever, I don't even remember off the top of my head. We had the workbooks, You could do a call with us, but really assess what happened, what went wrong, figure out a plan for yourself or do one with us and stick to it when that time comes.

Margaret (12:07):

And personal growth feels good. Otherwise who would bother to do it? It really does. Yeah. It's exhilarating. You can get really excited. Yeah.

Craig (12:16):

Yeah. So so important that you stick to those strategies and then stay committed to the personal growth.

Craig (12:24):

Even after you get him back, I say, put yourself on probation for like nine months to a year. That's good. Because you know, I did a call with somebody today that got their ex back, gave up on the personal growth and six months later they're broken up again. Yeah, it is because he had done so much work. So near and yet, so far. Yeah. So very important. You stick to these kinds of strategies.

I Think About Breaking No Contact Every Day

Today we're going to be talking about: I think about breaking no contact every day. Oh dear. How difficult? Yeah. You know, it is difficult, you know, a lot of times when you're going through a breakup, you go online, you have no idea what no contact is. You come across all kinds of coaches with all kinds of ideas on what to do, how to get an ex back. Some give absolutely horrific advice, that are borderline stalkish behaviors. They almost have you stalking your ex, right? Others, have you ignoring your ex, but when we talk about no contact, we don't want you to ignore an ex. We don't want you to ignore them for a certain amount of days. We simply want you to stop reaching out, to allow them the time to process things, to deal with it and to miss you.

Craig (01:48):

Because quite honestly, if they were frustrated or upset with you or unhappy with the way things were going, you know, they get into an emotional state, but having time away from you oftentimes gives them enough of a space to think, "you know what, those things do bother me. But overall, I really do love this person. " Yes. So I got a quick email today and we're going to talk about this. They said, "hi, coach Craig and coach Margaret. I hear quite a few of the coaches talking about no contact. Some say to do it, some say not to do it. It's confusing. I wish I had found your channel first because I trust you to the most. No contact is so hard because I think about my ex every day, the first thing I do every morning is check to see if he texted, I feel addicted to the phone because I'm constantly looking to see if he's texted or posted on Instagram. I'm unsure about no-contact. I wonder if it's a mistake. I wonder if my ex will think I don't care. I wonder if they will move on", Okay. So in a situation like this, we don't know the details of your situation.

Margaret (03:29):

Do we know how long?

Craig (03:30):

No, this is the whole email there. So we don't really know how long it was. All we know is that they ended the relationship. And for many of you guys that if your ex has ended the relationship, we really do think that you have to leave him alone. Right? Okay. And what you do in that time is important. The changes that you make in that time are important because if they were unhappy with the way things were, then there are things that you want to go back and look at and fix, right?

Craig (04:08):

And being in no-contact gives you an opportunity to work on that. Take a look at the relationship, what areas you struggled, they struggled what you can do to make it better and how to handle things when they come back for you. You know, we talk a lot about attachment and the different types of attachment styles. You know, everybody struggles with their own attachment issues. You know, you might be secure, but most people have insecure attachment styles where you tend to be more anxious about the relationship and getting abandoned, or you feel smothered and trapped by the relationship. But it doesn't matter if you're anxious or avoidant. People still miss you after a breakup. And I get a lot of people wondering my ex was avoidant. They're not going to miss me. Will you talk about dismissive avoidance not missing you, Margaret?

Margaret (05:12):

That's the, well, that's the dilemma of the avoidant. They too are wired to want connection. That's why they were in the relationship. Chances are they ended it because they felt smothered. But that doesn't mean they're not going to miss you and being avoidant doesn't mean you don't get attached, even though it scares you, you do get attached. So even an avoidant is going to miss you. So don't despair if your partner was avoidant, but I know as the days and weeks go by, people get more and more anxious that they've moved on or they've forgotten about them. That's a big one right there, but you have to understand that it's a process. And we live in a world of instant. Okay. And emotional processes. Take some time. I had somebody say to me today, well, it's been 30 days. 30 days is not a long enough time to really process anything. You can make a good beginning, but sometimes we're talking months here.

Craig (06:13):

Yeah. It's so normal to think about reaching out and coming up with all kinds of reasons to reach out. And it's overwhelming because the intrusive thoughts just don't stop. Right. And it's exhausting. You, you literally are looking for any kind of connection to reach out to them. So I would say most of you will struggle with, you know, no contact or reaching out for a long period of time until you eventually get to a place where you're like, "you know what? I'm not going to reach out. They can reach out to me when they want to talk to me". And you're focusing on yourself, you're doing those workbooks. If you have them 20 to 30 minutes every day, that's why I did workbooks. So you can focus on improving those skills, working through attachment issues, getting a local therapist.

Margaret (07:12):

Right? Exactly. That's one of the things we recommend and I'll always ask people, what did your partner tell you when they broke up with you? What did they tell you that the problems were? Some people are honest and other people will say I'm not attracted to you anymore and I need space, which really doesn't tell you anything. Yeah. That's so true because in any real relationship, you're more attracted at some times than others, etcetera. So those really don't tell you very much. It's nice to know what it is you need to work.

Craig (07:44):

Yeah. Yeah. But if you're sitting there struggling and every day you're thinking about reaching out and, you know, contacting them, you know, we wouldn't recommend it. In general. Of course, there might be something specific to your situation that, you know, it would be okay to reach out. But for the most part, we're saying, let them come to you.

Margaret (08:10):

And give them time to miss you. No matter how angry they might've been or no matter how cold they are. And we hear that often cause people have to have to get called to do the deed of breaking up. It doesn't mean they're forgetting you.

Craig (08:26):

Yeah. That's big. It doesn't mean you're there forgetting you at all because people don't forget people they're attached to. No, they don't. They don't, they really don't. Even if it's years, they'll still remember you. That doesn't mean they're going to come back necessarily or the one, another chance to work it out. But they're not going to forget, you know? Right. Even the dismissive avoidance, Margaret,

Margaret (08:47):

Even the dismissive avoidance, we're all wired the same way. Remember the avoidant has been horribly disappointed in an early relationship and you may have helped them reconcile. Some of that. You've got to give it time. Yeah. You have to. Which is the worst news on earth for you. We understand that.

Craig (09:11):

I know it's. Yeah. I've been there where it's like, literally every second of the day feels like an eternity. You just feel like you're in a fog and all you want to do is contact them. But if you do, it is a risk.

Margaret (09:25):

The other thing is even if your partner wasn't able to give you real reasons for the breakup and maybe the ones that they thought would be easier for you to hear, think about what you fought about. And that will probably give you a good idea as to what they were upset about.

Craig (09:41):

Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. And I would say one of the big things is that you might be in a situation where your ex was saying they needed something from you or they wanted you to change something about yourself and you didn't do it. And now you're like, I'm willing to do it. I'm going to do whatever you need me to do. I'll be happy to do those things now. Well, they probably got to a point where they don't think you're going to change and telling them that is not going to make them want you more. You have to show them. You have to truly do the work that when you're in front of them again, you don't go back to those old mistakes. And that's why I say put yourself on probation for nine months to a year. Right? Because you'd be surprised how many people will get their ex back and then go back to their old ways, three or four months later, whatever. And then wind up in another breakup.

Margaret (10:35):

One of the things that often works is to be able to go back to somebody and say, I've gotten into therapy. That's like gold. If somebody's been begging you to change something and you haven't done it.

Craig (10:47):

Now, the thing is you don't want to look like you're trying to say it for approval. You want it to come out naturally, not "here is this new thing that I'm trying to display. Now you happy? " No, you don't want to do that. No. You mean it. You want to secretly do it, get into it. And then when they've reached out, it naturally comes up and then they're like, Oh wow. They really are making changes. Get into AA. If you've had an alcoholic issue.

Margaret (11:19):

Or whatever "A" you need.

Craig (11:22):

But telling them and trying to act like you're trying to present some grand thing to them, don't do it like that. It's better to do it for yourself. And they'll think you're being more honest about it if you are doing it for yourself. Right.

Margaret (11:39):

Yeah. It's a great way to gain credibility. And the other thing is it also gives you a sense of process and that feelings take time. Right? Once you get into therapy, that becomes very obvious to you.

Craig (11:54):

I understand that it's confusing. And you think about reaching out every day, right? I've been there. Yeah. I've been there and I understand it. So I know exactly how hard that is, but, and confusing. But your ex, isn't going to forget about you. And if you allow them time to feel the loss, that attachment is going to affect them as well.

Margaret (12:24):

Whereas if you give them a fix, it will stop the process.

Craig (12:28):

Yeah. So hopefully this will be helpful to you.