Today we're going to be talking about no contact works on everyone. So this is a big topic, Margaret. Yes, it is. You know, obviously no contact is something that many people will discuss in breakups. We understand there are a lot of people that talk about breakups out there, not even just online, but you know, maybe people that run local coaching services and such like that. So no contact. We're going to talk about our version of No Contact and kind of review it and get into this because it's really essential to understanding what it means, why you're supposed to do. And does it work on everyone? Well, the answer isn't as simple as yes or no, but I think you'll find it interesting what we have to say about that. Right. I got a quick email before we start.
Craig (01:41):
I want to get to from a fan that just said, hi Craig, I've been watching all the breakup expert out there for a few weeks and have to say you and Margaret are by far the best. Well, thank you very much, whoever you are. I am in therapy to help me cope with my breakup and it helps, but you both are even much better than they are. How do I explain this Margaret? Well, I think the only thing we can say is that at this point in our lives, we focus pretty exclusively on this particular phenomenon. Exactly. And your general therapist may have to deal with six different problems during the day. That's true. And you know, it's like anything, any career in life, not everybody is equal. No, you're not going to have doctors that are equal or dentists or lawyers, Margaret and I are very passionate about what we do and helping you guys and always continuing to learn and educate ourselves to get better at this.
Craig (02:38):
So we focus on breakups right now. And so we know the ins and outs of it, and we see what happens on a daily basis. Whereas the therapist might only come into a breakup situation once every couple of months and they don't know how to navigate, but I was happy to hear that you said it was helping. Absolutely. Don't don't quit. Yes, exactly. They say you truly have helped me change my life in such a short amount of time. I bought myself the knowledge workbooks and it's my new year's resolution to get all 10 done. Wow. That's a big job. It is. It's about 500 pages, I think. And there's 94 videos covered in all 10. So that's a lot of work. Right? I have a topic that I was hoping you both could do a video on. I've seen some other videos that no contact works on everyone. Could you do your take on that topic? So we took that email. We decided to do a video for you. Okay. So first of all, let's talk about our version of no contact. Okay? We don't ever tell you guys to ignore an ex and they're harassing you. Okay. But in most situations, we're simply saying, stop reaching out to them. If they want to contact you, let them do it on their terms. Right.
Margaret (04:03):
As long as it's on their terms, it works. Don't chase it.
Craig (04:07):
We're not telling you to ignore them. We're not telling you to ignore them within a 30 day period or in what you've heard recently, a 45 day period. And if they reach out in that time that you have to ignore them, I do not agree with that at all. I think it's foolish. And I think it's naive to ignore somebody when they're making a bid to try and repair things with you.
New Speaker (04:32):
And bid, if you will is Susan Johnson's word, our friend, Susan Johnson from Canada to make a bid is to reach out, to connect emotionally, to have some kind of an interaction.
Craig (04:45):
And what you have to understand is that even though your ex feels like they have the power in this situation, or at least they did at the time of the breakup, if time has passed, they don't know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're doing. And then they actually become insecure and wonder if they should reach out that's right. And that's why I have come up with the term, the indirect direct approach, where they want to directly reach out to you by making some kind of contact with you. But they don't know how to say I miss you. Or I was hoping we could talk. They say, how's the cat? Or have I got a piece of mail for you? Yeah, I do. You have that car key, my extra car key. I hear all kinds of excuses, but the indirect direct approach, and this is really important that you understand it is a confusing thing.
Craig (05:50):
Okay? It's not, we've got to pay the mortgage this month. Okay. Some people get confused and like my ex me, because I have to split the car payment with them, is that them wanting to repair things? Not likely, no. If they have a business related issue like a bill or a mortgage or health insurance or something, they need to have contact with you. The indirect direct approaches are often head scratchers. Like you're, they're disguised so well. You're like, wait a minute. Is this a, because they really need the key back for the car. I actually had this one spare car key about a month ago with an avoidant and an avoidant woman said, I didn't want to reach out and say, you know, I want to see you. So they acted like it was about the car key, but it wasn't. If she was able to say that she told me that she was actually one of the most insightful avoidants that I've had.
Craig (06:45):
In fact, I had an equally impressive avoidant this past week, which we haven't set to talk about, but I'm hoping they do a coaching with you because I was actually blown away by the amount of work they've done. And I told them that it was just, you can recover. And you know, guys, there are a lot of people out there that are avoidant that are on the channel now cause they were broken up with yeah. And they're changing their life. And if you're one of those people, share a comment. So people realize that avoidants can get motivated to change. And it's also helpful to let us know what worked for you.
Craig (07:22):
To review, we don't want you to reach out to somebody after they've broken up with you. That's our version of no contact, but we don't want you to ignore them. Okay. And we have no timeframes for any of it. Exactly. We don't believe in a 30 day or a 45 day window or something like that. Now why does no contact work on everyone? When I say that it does. Here's what I mean. Okay. It doesn't necessarily mean your ex is going to change your mind and want you back. However, what happens in many, many cases, I would say probably even most is if they have sat with their decision for some time and you're no longer chasing them and reaching out, they actually become the person that is scared that you have moved on. Right. Okay. Right. When that happens, they can't avoid the feelings of anxiety and that hard wired biological component that we have that when we're feeling disconnected from our partner, we feel that terror and we want to reach out quickly.
Craig (08:41):
Yes. So what you might even see is when your ex does reach out, if you don't reply right away, and maybe you wait three or four hours or even the next day or something like that, they might send you another message because then they are anxious. They're no longer in the driver's seat. And now they're like, Oh my God, I'm going to lose them. And I can't tell you how many times I've seen that, but it takes real patience and strength to get to that place. Because the hardest part about it is your ex might not reach out. Right?
Margaret (09:18):
What if, what if so-and-so never reaches out? We can't control that. You can only control what you do.
Craig (09:24):
Okay. But we really believe that allowing that person, the time to miss you and to regret things and then to think, Oh my gosh, they don't want me back. Ironically, it's like a switch. Right? And I see that a lot.
Margaret (09:43):
Right? It's a switch, right? The switch goes on
Craig (09:45):
And now it's like all of a sudden, the shoe is on the other foot and you're going to see your ex get anxious. Now that's not always gonna happen, but it does happen a lot because every situation is so unique. Your ex may only have a window of opportunity open for so long before they say, you know what? It's not going to work. They probably haven't changed. Right. So we don't want you to prolong things away, wait a week to reply or anything like that, because then your window of opportunity might be gone. Right. We just don't know. So this is a more of a general idea. So you can see that to some extent it does work on everyone because that feeling of anxiety can't be turned off. Nope.
Margaret (10:30):
It's, we're wired that way. And some people say, well, I don't know if he's thought of me in the entire month that we've been broken up. You can be sure he has. Okay. Or she has, they don't just say, Oh, well it was nice being with George or Georgina and I'll move on with my life. Now. We're not made that way we attach.
Craig (10:48):
Yes. And even, you know, you have to think about it. If they were upset and angry at you, maybe they were fed up with you because you had been continuing to do something that upset them, that anger subsides in time. Right. You know, not always because sometimes people say they have to move on, but in many cases it does subside. And then what happens? Their feelings change. Right. But if you're chasing them, if they think that they still have you, if you are stalking them and you're trying to do a handwritten letter or grand gesture, they know they still have you. And then they don't worry about you. Like they would, if you were just leave them alone.
Margaret (11:33):
And I've had many people say to me, well, what sense does it make to not have contact with somebody you want to return to you? It does make sense in another way. You want them to sit with their decision. Okay. As you have often said, people can feel like they want more space and make a to break up. And then in six weeks, six months or however long it takes, they begin to get anxious. They begin to realize this is more space from you than they wanted. And they will reach out to you.
Craig (12:05):
Yes. And there are many, many cases where your ex will break up with you to be with somebody else or start dating other people right away. And they think it's going to be amazing. They're posting social media. That it's amazing. I've even seen people get engaged and then it doesn't work out. And they usually return to the ex and revisit them. They take a look and they're wondering, have you changed, have their feelings for you changed? What would it be like to see you? A lot of times they think I'm over this person. I don't want them back. Then you say, Hey, why don't we get together? And you do. And you show them the side of yourself that they hadn't seen in a long time. And then they're like, you know what? I actually had a great time tonight and I hope I get to see them again. And then you take it from there. Right?
Margaret (13:01):
I talked with someone today who was having a hard time, trying to figure out how this makes sense, no contact to get them back sounds kind of crazy on the surface of it. Sure it does. But finally I said to her, every time he talks to you, he gets a fix and it takes care of his anxiety. So he's okay. Again, for a few weeks, don't give him that you want him to miss you and you want him to have to act on it. She finally, it finally became clear with her.
Craig (13:27):
Yeah. And when I tell you guys my suggestions on how handled things and I'm sure Margaret does too. I tell you from the perspective what I would do. Okay. You have to imagine, I deal with breakups all day, every day. And I'm telling you what I have found to be the most effective and what I would personally do if somebody did this to me. So you could imagine, of course, I'm going to try and put myself in the best position to turn things around if that's what I want. So I'm telling you what I would do here, what I found to be the most effective. And that's what I do when I'm navigating your situations. Is I think about how would I handle your situation if I woke up in your body and I'll tell you guys that I woke up in your situation tomorrow, what would I do? And this is what it is. And I would genuinely think about putting myself there, because if you can see how I would navigate it, you're going to say, okay, he knows what he's talking about. He's obviously dealt with this a lot. He's not going to do anything that's going to put himself in a bad position. Right? So by getting into your situation, it helps me navigate.
Margaret (14:34):
Sometimes when people say, I don't think that person has thought of me in the month, we've been broken up. I want to say, Oh honey, you're not that forgettable. And you're not that unlovable. Don't sell yourself short. If this person spent even months, you, they can't forget you in two minutes. Yeah.
Craig (14:54):
And I, I think it's important that we can't tell that to them too much. Right. Because I know what it feels like to go through that where, you know, when I was broken up with the, the Applebee's girl, for example, I didn't think she was thinking about me. And then I think a one call, I even remember saying to her, because at a certain time of the day I would always call her or when I got out of work and I would say to her, don't you think about me at this time every day when normally I should be calling? And she said, no, she said she didn't. And I believed her, but I don't now I don't believe her for one minute. No, no. At the time I thought, Oh my gosh, she really doesn't even think about me, but now I know she just didn't want to let her guard down. Right. She didn't want to tell me that
Margaret (15:39):
She didn't want to tell you herself. Yeah. But if somebody becomes that big a part of your life that they call you at the same time every day, you don't just forget that in minutes, whatever she said. No.
Craig (15:50):
And I really did believe it back then, but I mean, that was probably eight years ago now, a little over eight years ago. And so I didn't understand this stuff, but now I would know, first of all, I wouldn't have asked her because I knew, I know now she would just put her walls up. She's not going to want to tell me that because she's not going to want to lower her guard and then have me persue her.
Margaret (16:13):
And she didn't want to reinvest either
Craig (16:15):
At that time, which I did get an unusual, indirect, direct approach about which Margaret is actually there for me. I think the day that it happened. Yeah. I remember I, you know, it's so traumatizing. I literally remember where I was and what happened when I got that message. I can remember it. Exactly. And that was eight years ago. So, but then we talked about it and you know, now I understand it was an indirect, direct approach. He was revisiting, she was looking at me as she was, and I didn't handle it well, cause that's when I went to Applebee's and I was crying, but I did kind of know to go no contact. Right. And even back then, I did go no contact after my initial attempts with the grand gesture. And do you know, trying to talk to her about things wasn't working. And if I knew now,
Margaret (17:11):
Right. What you didn't know then
Craig (17:13):
Exactly. I would have been much more likely to turn it around and have another chance with it, but I've seen it time and time again. No contact works on just about everybody. It doesn't mean they're going to want you back. But at some point they're probably gonna think, you know what? I don't know if it was the right decision. Of course every situation is so different. So it's tough to say that, you know what I mean?
Margaret (17:42):
It's hard to know if it's the right decision. If you've been intimate with somebody and spent lots of time with them, it's a huge decision.
Craig (17:50):
I mean, if you've only dated somebody for three weeks, yeah. It's not going to be as powerful as if you dated somebody for three years. Right. And the key is, and I really believe this, that you focus on the personal growth and you act as if they are coming back. If you act as if you are going to have one more chance with them and you really put yourself in the position to become a much better version of yourself, when they do revisit, they're going to be blown away by the changes you've made.
Margaret (18:22):
And we see it over and over again.
Craig (18:25):
But even if they don't come back, think about how much you truly would have changed. And at that point you'll likely say, you know what? It's okay. And then you'll start dating other people and you've become so much more successful with understanding yourself. And you may attract healthier people. You will attract healthier people. Absolutely. Yeah. And so look at it from that angle, you stay in no contact. You allow them to reach out to you when they're ready, you focus and you obsess over the personal growth. If you're going to obsess about anything, don't obsess about them, obsess about how great you want this breakup to make you, right? And then when they do come back, you're either going to be in a great position to turn things around with them or you'll do great with other people. And other people will be like, who is this person?
Margaret (19:20):
Get your energy back. We're going to talk about that again. But you want to get your energy back. You need the energy for your own healing and your own growth and not to be obsessing about them. Obsessing takes energy. I've discovered.
Craig (19:32):
Oh, it's exhausting. Yeah. It really is exhausting. And it's just exhausting. Cause you can't feel like you can turn it off at all at work.
Margaret (19:43):
No, no contact. No. And even our chemical system says, no, it's not a good idea. You better go find those lost people, that lost person that's right. But you can't do it. And it's terribly difficult. And I can see people's faces change. When I say to them, I think you'd be better off with no contact. Like no contact. You know, how can that work? I know it sounds crazy. We know it sounds crazy
Craig (20:07):
Simply just not reaching out. Okay. If you're not reaching out and they're choosing you in their life, think about what that tells you. They're choosing you again. Okay. And that's exactly what you want. If they're ending this, then you want them to choose you again. Now of course, every situation is so different and there's a million different factors. So it can be tricky to put out a general video at times, but we know you guys obsess over certain things and we try and educate you the best that we can in a general way, we get specific in certain videos. But this is a video that I know a lot of you are going to wonder about.