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Big Mistakes NOT To Make In No Contact
Craig (00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about five ways to destroy your chances of getting your ex back while you're in no contact. You know, a lot of people think, how can I destroy my chances in no contact. Right. And you would think, yes, it would be pretty simple. It's not as simple as it sounds many people really struggle with no contact and leaving their ex alone because they're having such a hard time, which I completely understand. And, you know, coach Victoria, you've gone through breakups before I was thinking about this. I think I've seen you go through three breakups in all the years that I've known you and, you know, especially the ones from several years ago, you really struggled with that feeling, right? We were talking about that feeling.
Victoria (01:29):
Yeah. It's just a feeling of wanting to connect and your brain just says, get back with this person, get back with this person. You're remembering reminiscing on all the great, good times that you had together and that's all you can obsess about until you get that.
Craig (01:44):
There was one, several years ago that I was actually on the phone with you as you are on your way to your ex's house. And I was pleading you not to go with you not to go when her phone went out, cause she was in the train. Right. And do you remember that feeling? I remember how panic to where your way there.
Victoria (02:02):
It was, I was very nervous because you don't know when you're about to do a grand gesture or anything like this in your head. You have it planned out for it to work. So on the ride there ,on the train ride there, Craig is on the phone and he's like, don't do it. And meanwhile, I'm passing through tunnels. It's like,
Craig (02:21):
You're getting like every 10th word. I'm like stop! No! Please! But you know, in hindsight it wound up really helpful that you went through that. So now it's something that we've been able to talk through over the years of going through it. So it's been helpful for you to see what people go through in that moment and we can laugh about it now. We were not laughing then. That was a rough one. And we could get into the story a little bit in the future about what happened there. But just, you know, I've seen it through our friendship cause we've been friends probably like seven or eight years now. Breakups. And when we've talked about it, she seen me through difficult times. And, and so we know what it's like to have that overwhelming feeling of like, Oh my, I have to do something to reach out to my ex and you just get so emotional with the uncertainty and the anxiety causes you to make a lot of mistakes. We're going to talk about some of these mistakes today. Margaret, you know, these are some big ones, right? So the first one I want to talk about is blaming shaming or criticizing. Okay. This obviously I don't mean directly with your ex. I mean, yes, it would. Don't do that with your ex, but even with friends or family publicly, you've seen this with some of your girlfriends, right?
Victoria (03:45):
Especially if you have mutual friends, word gets around and people will give you their word to your face, but they may also be talking to your ex, you know, you never know. So it's better to be safe and find somebody professional that you can speak with or somebody that is outside of your social circle.
Craig (04:05):
Yeah. that, cause we get so upset. Oftentimes we'll sit there and tell our friends and family, Oh, they did this and they did that. And you know, you don't think it'll get back to them, but it does. It does more often than not. And you know, it's understandable that you're hurt and you're angry at them. But if it gets back, it's only going to do damage. I mean, how many times have you seen that you say something to somebody else. Oh, absolutely. And the next thing you know, everybody knows it. And then your ex is like, why did you call my uncle and tell him that I,
Margaret (04:41):
And people want to call people's relatives after a breakup.
New Speaker (04:45):
So guilty of that with the Applebee's girl. Yeah. Oh, it was so awful. I was talking to her brother, her sister, her mother, and they all love me. They really felt bad. And I think they probably would have wanted us to repair things. But I do think that there was more getting back to her than I realized. And I had one friend that I thought was a friend that wound up spilling the beans, you know, that story. And so I had a friend that was a very mutual friend and I thought to my face, she was, you know, on my side, but she had a hidden agenda. She sabotaged it and she really caused a lot of problems. So regardless of how upset you were be very careful who you share with. Yep. Okay. The next one on the list is retaliation manipulation or playing games. This is big. Especially with social media, a lot of people will do something to get revenge. You'd be surprised how many people will send out naked pictures of their ex to other people. They'll post it on websites. They'll they'll post it on Facebook. Oh yeah. I've seen some really big mistakes because people are hurt, but they're trying to humiliate their ex, but that is really good to destroy any possibility that wanting to come back, it's going to really hurt your chances. Right. you know, it's going to get back with them. Essentially. If you play a game with somebody, they're gonna get it. Right. They're gonna hear us through friends. Right. Do you see that with any of your female friends playing games or manipulate?
Victoria (06:27):
I could see that with social media, as far as posting pictures with other people to make their ex jealous you could also see this with people trying to get with their ex's friends. That's that's particularly insidious.
Margaret (06:42):
It is. Yes.
Craig (06:45):
I agree. I've seen that too. I've seen that, but a lot of times it just makes them so angry at you that they're like, well, I'm never going to date you a deck again, because of that. I've seen girls do it to guys, like they'll go after the guy friends. And if the guy reciprocates any way that might ruin that friendship as well with him and the other friend.
Margaret (07:09):
That would get them good, wouldn't it?
Victoria (07:14):
I could also see how somebody could warn other people about dating their ex
Craig (07:19):
Oh, that's a big one.
Victoria (07:20):
Spread rumors about them.
Craig (07:24):
It lies. Lies. That's what you know. So like with the revenge, the retaliation. Yeah. It's a big one. Okay. Here's another one. This is important too. Frequent emotional inconsistency and mood instability. Right? Posting emotional songs and poetry. Especially I see this, like on Instagram, people will just post, post, post, post, post 50 things in a week and it's like so much, right. It just doesn't make you look confident and like you're over things or that you're handling things well, right. Margaret.
Margaret (08:01):
No, it wouldn't make you feel like that. And you're trying to let your, your ex know how distressed you are hoping they'll respond. Is that it?
Craig (08:08):
I think that might be what they're trying to do, but I think it just makes the ex angry or like what is going on with this person.
Margaret (08:16):
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That wouldn't ever get you anywhere.
Victoria (08:19):
This could also be a loophole in the no contact, especially if you have a public profile or if you're still friends with your ex on social media, you may think they're going to receive the messages that I'm expressing via social media via signing on, you know, I don't need to contact them to express myself to them.
Craig (08:41):
So sometimes you, you might do it because you're wanting to connect with them on some level, but it often makes a situation worse. Right. Okay. Okay. Here's a big, we see this a lot: disrespected or ignoring boundaries.
Margaret (09:01):
Well, boundaries are sacred and serious and so forth and so on, but boundary violations would be calling the rest of the family. Trying to stalk them on social media and all of those things that sometimes desperate people do to try to get a response,
Craig (09:20):
Even worse than that, the social media driving to the work. Have you seen that like with your friends and stuff too?
Victoria (09:28):
Driving by houses, driving by work, trying to find their car at friend's houses.
Craig (09:35):
And I feel like women in particular get very scared when a guy does that.
Margaret (09:40):
Yes they do. Yes they do. Cause it looks like they're being stalked and there's a lot of information around about stalking these days. So women do get very scared.
Craig (09:51):
I just had a guy today who went to her work and she got a restraining order against him now. And he's like, hasn't even been served yet, but it's going to happen. He's scared as hell. But you know, you violate those boundaries and you think it's innocent. You know what I hear a lot too, is that the ex doesn't want to talk to you. So they just show up at their house and like I'm coming over.
Margaret (10:18):
Terrible boundary violation. No means no.
Craig (10:24):
So you want to avoid doing that and if you get upset, figure out a way to deescalate and calm down because it's only going to make decisions.
Margaret (10:32):
So we make things much worse. But going to people's work, I've known people to be fired when some angry or agitated ex shows up at work. Yes, yes,
Craig (10:44):
Absolutely. And the last one I want to talk about is another big one. Not following through with promises. How many of you have told your ex certain things about what you're going to do, what your goals are, what you're trying to change. And then instead you get so obsessed with where they're at, what they're doing. You completely lose sight of that. Right? like a big one, I'm going to go to therapy.
Craig (11:16):
If you have a guy that says I'm going to go to therapy and then four months later, the girlfriend comes back. I mean, Margaret, what do you think? How do you think that's going to hurt the chances?
Margaret (11:28):
It's not going to help. And I will say, always say to the guys, you know promises, don't cut it. You have to do it. And nothing's going to impress her as much as if you've actually gone to therapy. "But I thought about things and I worked on myself". No, it's not going to sell as well as going to therapy. Yeah. Yeah.
Craig (11:49):
Any other lifestyle changes you can think of that you might see that somebody really wants to see their ex do in that no contact.
Victoria (11:57):
I would also think of the problems you had in the relationship. So if your partner was always complaining about you not going to work or not being functional at work, also, maybe living with family, not having a place of your own might be another one.
Craig (12:09):
I think especially women get frustrated with men for that. Cause I think a lot of guys just kind of will get complacent and live with their grandparents or their parents and women like to see a man who can really be independent and self sufficient. Right. I just had a call about that this past week
Margaret (12:31):
Or I'm going to go back to school. Yeah. That's a big one too. Did you do it? "Well, No." Okay.
Craig (12:38):
Maybe quitting a habit like smoking or drinking or if you're doing drugs, those are all big ones that your ex wants to see. And so if you don't really make those changes while you're not in contact with them, it's going to come back and haunt you. That's why Margaret and I have been preaching for years. It's all about the personal growth in no contact, healing, those attachment issues, becoming more confident learning to communicate. Right? We talk about all kinds of different ways to improve your relationship.
Margaret (13:11):
Of course, we'd love to see you do it for your own wellbeing, not just to impress your spouse, but if you're going to improve yourself, start anywhere you can. Yes.
Craig (13:21):
Yeah. That's so true because we ideally, we want you to do it for yourself. Right. But we understand that it's often the ex and the, you know, trying to get the ex back that keeps you motivated so highly. Right. So we just want to see you staying committed and working on yourself, whatever way you can. Right. But I think all of these are huge big ones. We hear all the time. So if you can make sure you don't do any of these mistakes from here on out. Many of you have probably already done several on this list,
Margaret (13:58):
But I think Craig, as you pointed out, boundaries is behind a lot of these yeah. Of, of how to get to somebody when they don't want you to get there.
Craig (14:08):
And the course, we talk a lot about boundaries. There is like, what is it? The one homework assignment. That's like five sections. It's all on boundaries. Boundaries is so key. And that's in the creative healing course if you want to check that out. But I think that it's really important that you do your best to steer away from these mistakes. And I think it'll help your chances significantly. Absolutely. Okay. So hopefully you found this video helpful, put a like on there if you did. And of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net,
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How To Get Her To Think About You Non-Stop! 9 Powerful Ways!
Craig (00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about how to get her to think about you. So obviously if you're interested in somebody, you're hoping that they're thinking about you, because you're thinking about them all the time and you start to have feelings for somebody and you want to see it develop. Now, if you are in a breakup, obviously you have a long history with that person. And there's a lot of things that you can remember that is going to get you to think about them more, but that works for them as well. That they're going to be able to have that long history to call up with you as well. So what do you do? How do you get somebody to think about you? Well, we've got some strategies here and some tips to consider and think about that we like, and that we think are going to help. To me, one of the most important things is focusing on how you are in the present with that person. When you're on the date, how are you doing? How are you acting? How are you treating them? What is going on? What is that connection like? You know, I can think of a couple I saw on a date years ago, they were literally both on their phone, look bored out of their mind. Why are you even together? What is the point of even being together? You must be miserable. I mean, it was literally the entire dinner. Wow. And so, you know, you don't want to be wrapped up in your own thing when you're supposed to be connecting with another person.
Victoria (02:13):
Exactly. And it's that connection that makes the moment memorable and it's going to come up in her mind over and over again. So being able to have a good time with her is going to make her feel like, wow, the time that I spend with him is more fun than the time I spend without him and that's going to make her want to spend more time with you.
Craig (02:32):
Yeah. It's so true. If you're having more fun with that person, then they're going to want more of that time with you. And so now we know that over time, a relationship isn't going to be as fun and as exciting as it is in the beginning, that's just part of dating and the newness and the excitement that comes. But that doesn't mean you can't have a lot of memorable moments, right. And even after that
Victoria (03:00):
Moment has passed, that memory is going to come up if it was a fun lighthearted one. And even after a relationship, I mean, I can think personally of people that I've dated in the past, where we've had funny moments that, you know, I'm driving to work and the memory pops up and I'm laughing. And for no reason, I look like a crazy person out here. But that's the effect of being able to be present and mindful and playful with your partner or somebody that you're dating.
Craig (03:27):
Absolutely. So it's important that when you're present with somebody on a date and you're having fun with them, that you are able to do it in a way that you're not scared to be yourself and let your guard down at times and being a little bit vulnerable with that person allows you to say that joke that maybe is right on the tip of your tongue, but you don't want to say it cause you're like, ah, I don't know. I don't know if she's going to like this or what she's going to think about it.
Victoria (04:02):
Yeah. And taking those social risks can reap a big benefit for you if it's going to make her think about you more often. So on a physiological level, being playful and humorous with your partner can reduce stress and research shows that playfulness in relationships has increased relationship satisfaction reports. So that's something to think about when you're interacting with your partner and trying to build that connection. It creates a safe atmosphere where you can be vulnerable. So it almost has this reciprocal relationship of the more playful you are. The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed you are, the more playful you can be. Yeah.
Craig (04:41):
A big part of that comes from your own insecurities and fears. If you're afraid to be alone, then you're going to be afraid to mess up. And you're not going to be more natural and be more of yourself or who you normally would be around friends and family that you know, aren't going to reject you. So you have to work through your own insecurities and become more confident because you'll add more natural to who you normally are instead of you know, being afraid of turning the person off. And then you're not yourself around them and they could feel it and the connection feels off and then they get turned off.
Victoria (05:20):
Right. And if you think about it, humor is a common trait that people name when talking about their ideal partner. So taking that risk to be humorous and be playful with somebody that you're meeting that's new is going to benefit you.
Craig (05:35):
Absolutely. It keeps things fun. It keeps things exciting. It keeps the mundane memorable, right? Like if you go to the grocery store and you're doing silly stuff and having a good time just going to the grocery store that keeps life fun. We all have things that we have to do that we don't want to do. Right. But if you laugh and joke around and have fun with your partner in those moments where you have to do things that aren't necessarily fun, it makes your life just far more enjoyable. One thing that great comedians can do is look at something slightly different, right? If you can have a different angle on thing, a different take, it, it kind of lightens things up, right? Like I was reminding coach Victoria about a joke that I used to do on my aunt about a guy that used to sell turtles on the side of the road. . And so I had a funny perspective of like, why would you buy a turtle? Like they're not that hard to catch and who is selling turtles on the side of the road. And I went into like the interesting of things of such a bizarre thing where most people just drive by and think nothing of a turtle van. But me I'm like, what is this van on the side of the road, right. Who is buying turtles? So, you know, if you can kind of look at life a little bit differently and have an interesting perspective on things, it creates memorable moments,
Victoria (07:10):
Right, So think outside of the box and talking about the turtle. No, I didn't even think about it. So I will say a disclaimer here though. You don't want to tease your partner to the point where you're hurting their feelings, because this will hurt the connection. And I'm sure you all can think of hurtful jokes that your partners may have said. So these also stick with you, be very cautious with the way you approach your partner and make sure that you're not putting them down in the way that you're being playful
Craig (07:39):
Keep in mind that everybody has their own insecurities and things that they don't like about themselves. And you just don't want to hurt them in a way or an area that they're sensitive.
Victoria (07:49):
And this goes along the lines of our next tip for getting her to think about you and that's to read the room and to think about the way you interact with other people while you're around her. So this includes the waiter at the restaurant that you're at. This includes her friends, her family, because she's going to see these interactions and then think to herself, if I'm going to integrate this person into my life, this is how they're going to interact with the people that are closest to me or people around me in general.
Craig (08:21):
Yeah. I think this is just my opinion, but women are more socially conscious and aware of how people treat each other than men are. Men tend to be a little bit more insensitive or oblivious, but I think women are more astute to picking up social cues than we guys are. And so you gotta be aware that you may not think it's a big deal, but if she finds you being rude to somebody, a waiter, somebody, a sales member or something like that, it's going to stick with her, especially when they have limited interactions with them. They're just getting to know you.
Victoria (08:59):
Right. That's really critical. Especially in the beginning, our next tip to get her to think about you is to not be too available.
Craig (09:08):
Yeah. That's a big one because you don't want to look eager. I mean, it's nice to know when somebody's interested in you, but if their interest level is too much too soon, it can get a little weird. Right. And your insecurities are going to cause you to do these things. Whether you realize it or not. I've talked about the girl who said she loved me four times on the second date. Yeah. Right. I mean, this wasn't somebody that had known me for a long time. That thought, you know, there were a lot of things that she liked about me and the friendship that we had. She barely knew me. Right. And so, you know, those kinds of things are, I mean, that was it for me. I'm like, Whoa, I mean, you don't know me. And you're telling me, you love me. You know, that is like coming on really strong. So coming on strong can come out in different ways and being too available is one of them.
Victoria (10:04):
Right. And you really want to give that space, that space between you and your partner for the wonder and the mystery and the excitement to happen. Cause if you're trying to fuse with that person too quickly, you lose all the magic and the mystery to it.
Craig (10:19):
Yeah. You really do. And then it just kind of becomes boring and it just kind of fades off like the excitement isn't there. If you have a good connection with somebody, you want it to last a long time, right. And slow is actually going to be healthier for the relationship. Allowing them time and space to appreciate those moments that they've had with you, the jokes, the inside jokes, the memories, the things that you did together, allowing them to slowly incorporate you into their life is going to make them value you more and appreciate you more as opposed to somebody that is just bombarding you, won't give you some time to do what you have to do. You know, it doesn't allow you to spend time with friends or, you know, just messages you 50 times a day.
Victoria (11:11):
Right? It allows them to appreciate you more and appreciate those moments. Just like you said. So to wrap this all up, I want to end on a Maya Angelou quote, which she says, I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will not forget how you make them feel. So if you make others feel lighthearted, fun, important, and appreciated, then this is really, what's going to get her to think about you and to consider you as a potential partner.
Craig (11:44):
Yeah. And the healthier that you get, the easier it's going to be for you to do these things, especially those moments where you're scared and you don't know what to do. And everything inside of you is making you want to panic and reconnect with them. But getting to a good, healthy place is so critical to having balance and allowing a partner to come into your life in a balanced, healthy way. And then they'll start thinking about you more and more because you're going to set yourself apart from all of the competition that is making all of these mistakes. So hopefully you found this video helpful, put a like on there, if you did, and give coach Victoria a thumbs up for her research on this one of course, if you want to get my help personally, you can go to my website askcraig.net.
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Is She Flirting or Just Being Friendly? Signs She Is Interested!
Craig (00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about, is she flirting or is she being friendly? You can't really be sure. So that's it for this video. I'm coach Craig Kenneth. Just kidding. It's so hard to figure this one out. Isn't it? It is. And so I had coach Victoria do some research on this one and we're going to look at it because it's not always a definitive thing. Sometimes people are just being friendly. Sometimes a woman is just being friendly to you and it's so hard to know, is it because she likes me, is she interested or is it just because she's being polite?
Victoria (01:21):
And many of you are probably watching this video and you have somebody in mind that you're not sure if she's being flirty with you or if she has romantic interest or you might also be watching this video to avoid possible rejection.
Craig (01:36):
Yeah. Either way. We totally understand. But a lot of times when you're wondering if one particular person is interested, you start to research stuff like this. So you're probably going to be like going down the list of the person you have in mind here. Right.
Victoria (01:52):
And especially if you didn't get much love from your childhood, growing up, if you get a little attention from women, you might think to yourself that they might be crushing on you just because you're not accustomed to receiving that kind of affection or love or attention from somebody else.
Craig (02:10):
Yeah. I agree with that. I think that women in general have a lot more opportunity for socialization growing up. And so they get a lot more guidance, especially from mom, because so many of us guys don't have a lot of time with our dads, our dads aren't around. And so we don't learn as much as I think women get to learn from their mom to know these things,
Victoria (02:36):
And this is a very important topic to help you be able to gauge where your partners or somebody you're dating, where their interest is at to know how to make the next move in the most informed way possible. And research shows that men tend to overestimate a woman's romantic interests.
Craig (02:55):
Yeah. I think that's a good point. And I was thinking about that and suspect it's because they're projecting their own interest level onto a woman's. I feel like a lot of times a guy has a strong interest in a woman simply because he's physically attracted to her. Right. And whereas I think a woman has to invest more in a relationship, especially, you know, if you think about like, she has to carry a baby for 10 months, right. There's a lot more of investment. Her health is at risk, especially thousands of years ago. You know, obviously modern medicine is a lot better. But you're putting your life at risk. So a guy who doesn't have to risk much to like somebody new,
Victoria (03:39):
Right. And even on a social level, men have a lot more pressure to make the first move, not saying it's right or wrong. In fact, women, 2020, shoot your shot. Those are my thoughts on that.
Craig (03:51):
It can't get any worse than 2020, so you might as well go for it. But when we're not talking about in regards to an ex, okay, we're talking about particularly if you're interested in somebody new and looking at dating new people.
Victoria (04:06):
Right. But my point is that women tend to be more subtle. So that's why this topic is really important to be able to better understand and read the body language, be able to be a little bit more intuitive about the vibes that you're getting from other people.
Craig (04:18):
Yeah. You know, one of the ways that you can do that and test the waters is to flirt, you know? You pas maybe like an innuendo joke or a pun or something that kind of puts it out there in a way that if they don't get it or they're not receptive, you're not going to feel crushed or hopefully not
Victoria (04:44):
Right. And flirting really is where relationships start. Or if you're trying to rekindle things with your ex keeping things light and airy and being able to flirt with them, that's how you rebuild that connection. Those are the first little sparks that happen in order to build that.
Craig (05:00):
And I just want to add that. I would say that you want to do that if you're meeting up with them in person, right. I wouldn't recommend you trying to flirt with them through text messages. You always want to rebuild a connection with an ex in person more so, because it can get misconstrued when feelings are hurt in a breakup, right. People can get upset really easily.
Victoria (05:23):
So to start off, I just want to say that everybody flirts differently, men, women, regardless of gender people flirt in different ways, based on their personality, based on their culture, what they think is acceptable or not even their attachment style, which is an important one to think about if they're avoidant, anxious and we have tons of videos on that. Also about their intent, are they flirting just for fun? Are they flirting to have sex with you or are they flirting to start a meaningful relationship with you? All of these different factors are going to play into if and how a person flirts with you.
Craig (06:01):
Yeah. And you want to consider the setting as well, because if you work with somebody, they might be less interested in just hooking up with you, especially if it's like a professional setting, right? Like they might be thinking, I don't want to risk dating or hooking up with this person. If I don't think it'll be something meaningful. Obviously every situation is different. It's just something to consider.
Victoria (06:24):
Right. And Dr. Jeffrey Hall, he has studied flirting as fun of a job that sounds, and he's come up with five different flirting styles that we'll talk about in a different video. But just to give you an overview, those five different styles that he found were physical, traditional, polite, sincere, and playful. So just think about those terms when watching the video. Yep. So the first tip that I can give you or sign that a woman might do in order to express interest in you is using her eyes. There's that phrase that says the eyes never lie. And I think there's a lot of truth to that. And even on a research level, research shows that after you make a joke, or if you're telling a story, the person that you look to in a group of people, that's the person that you feel most connected to. And that's because you're trying to seek their validation after you express yourself to see if, if they've accepted you or appreciated your comment or joke.
Craig (07:21):
Yeah. And I can tell you, you know, doing up comedy for many, many years, you will see in the audience, when you tell a joke, a lot of times the people in the audience will look at the person next to them. If they're on a date, they're looking at each other to connect over that joke.
Victoria (07:38):
Another thing that a woman might do or people in general do is called eyebrow flashing. And this is a one fifth of a second movement. That's very non-verbal and you can almost miss it, but they will lift their eyebrows slightly when they're showing an interest. Interesting. Another way that a woman might subtly show interest is in how she smiling, laughing, or giggling with you. And you also want to try to get a baseline of the person that you're trying to gauge their interest. How do they interact with others? Do they laugh harder at your jokes? Notice those things. And those could be subtle signs that she has an affinity for you.
Craig (08:22):
And it's those little things that can tell the difference between if she's just being polite, because maybe you work together or you have mutual friends and or if she's wanting to see if there's a romantic connection there.
Victoria (08:38):
Right. Next is language, vocabulary and how she talks to you. So does she say the words "us" or "we "when referring to you both,
Craig (08:50):
It's a good point. And it's a very subtle thing that you'd have to be aware of.
Victoria (08:55):
Another thing to think about is how does she define your hangouts? Does she call them dates? If she's calling them dates, then that's a pretty good sign. I would say.
Craig (09:03):
Yeah. If she's asking questions about your personal life, that is a really good sign. I have found that one of the things that I think women ask a lot is what's your situation. And a woman kind of expects you to understand what she means by that. Right. It's, it's subtle, but it's, I'm asking you because I want to know, but you know, I don't want to put myself out there too much. I mean, it's scary to do that. So anything about your personal life, you know, maybe asking you questions about where you going, what are you doing? Your dating history? Do you have a girlfriend? How serious is it? Those things are them trying to get to know a little bit more.
Victoria (09:50):
Right. And then notice the energy in the conversation. If you have to go see a chiropractor because you're carrying the conversation, chances are that she's not as interested in you as you think. So if she's inquiring about you and, and keeping the conversation going, that's always a good sign that she wants to talk to you more and wants to learn more about you.
Craig (10:13):
Yeah. They'll try and make it easy. Someone will try and make it easy. A woman's going to make it try and make it easy if they're like, you know, especially if their interest level is high.
Victoria (10:22):
Right. Another thing that you want to look at is also physical touch. Is she, you know, playfully touching your shoulder, your knee, and how close is she getting to you? So proximity is another factor that you want to think about if you're out to lunch and with a group of friends and there's a spot right next to you, does she maneuver in a way to get that spot, to be the closest to you? So notice those things and pay attention to how she moves her physical body and relation to you. Yeah.
Craig (10:52):
Yeah. The more somebody wants to be around you, the more it shows that they enjoy your company, they're at least interested to see if there's anything more there. Right. You know what I mean? It doesn't mean that they necessarily have a really high interest, but they're probably at least curious enough to see like, well, this guy asked me out, you know? And you know, I really think that as a guy, a woman kind of wants you to know that if she contacts you, she wants you to ask her out. I think a lot of women get frustrated by men that they're like, we're constantly talking, but he never asked me to go on a date.
Victoria (11:31):
Yeah. I would definitely say, be bold. And one thing that you can do, if you're hesitant about asking for a number and one thing that might make the girl more comfortable is to give her your number by just saying, "Hey, I've been noticing that we have a vibe going here. Do you mind if I give you my number, maybe we can meet up some time?" Then that relieves her of the pressure of having to call you right that moment to verify she's not giving you a fake or something and that just gives her the opportunity to reach out to you, if she is in fact, flirting with you. Another thing that you can do to be aware of, if a girl is comfortable or not, that also has to do with physical touch is their posture. Do they have open posture? Are they facing you? Another thing to look for is their feet are their feet towards you. If they're away from you, they might be planning their escape route.
Craig (12:25):
That's so true. Yeah. I've seen, I remember seeing videos about stuff like that back in the day, like the woman's foot or the other way, like get me out of here. And the guy's like trapping her.
Victoria (12:36):
Right. And this brings me to my caveat, which is don't mistake, nervousness for flirting. So I've heard other coaches and other people online saying that, you know, a woman playing with her hair is a sign of flirting. Now it totally may be, but at the same time, it also can be a sign of nervousness as it's a self-soothing behavior. So don't mistake somebody playing with their hair as an automatic sign.
Craig (13:02):
It could be an indicator, but keep it, you know, in context don't necessarily blow it out of proportion. Now, if she's flipping, you know, playing with her hair and she's touching you, then things are looking in the right direction. Right. Multiple signs. Exactly. You don't want to, obviously just like a one side, you want to look at multiple signs. You know, a big one is that a lot of times guys are out and they're in some kind of setting with like a service industry and if the woman is being nice to them, they are like, Oh, she really likes me right now. Sometimes she can, she can. But sometimes he's just, this is my job. I have to make tips or I have to be nice because it's my job. So keep it in mind, don't blow things out of proportion.
Craig (13:54):
And even sometimes in that setting, they might give you their number or, you know, show some interest. But then afterwards, if you see that they're ignoring your call or not responding to you, don't keep showing back up at their work and making things awkward or uncomfortable because you thought you, you know, she was sending you one mixed message or a mix. I mean, she may be sending you a mixed message, but you know, especially in the setting, she might be used to that and just thinking, well, I have to pay my rent and to flirting gets me, you know, some extra tips she's going to do it. Right?
Victoria (14:29):
So don't mistake customer service for flirting,
Craig (14:33):
Be careful. Right? All of these tips are just to give you a better idea if someone is being polite, if they're being friendly or if they're exploring the option of seeing, if there could be something more there,
Victoria (14:48):
Right? And if you want to learn more, you can look up relationship initiation research, and look at the work of Dr. Jeffrey Hall. We're also gonna put out some more videos around this topic and around the different types of flirting. So definitely look out for those and watch those. If you're interested.
Craig (15:04):
If you have any thoughts or additional ones that you think we missed share them in the comment section. I'd love to see. And especially from you, ladies, maybe you say your perspective on these are certain things that I've done or that you missed, or that I've tried to drop hints in certain ways. I'd love to hear more.
Victoria (15:21):
Right? Everyone's different. And everyone has their own way of flirting. So share.
Craig (15:26):
So give Victoria a thumbs up for her research on this one, of course, when you want to get my help personally, go to my website, askcraig.Net.
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Can Your Ex Sense When You Moved On?
Craig (00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about a disturbance in the force. Well, I've mentioned this in other videos, but I thought we should do a specific video on here. And I had a good email that made me want to do a video on it. One of the things that I have seen over the years doing breakup coaching and looking at breakups is that, as we're desperately hanging on hoping to hear from that person, it just seems like forever before they reach out. And finally, where we get to the place where we're ready to move on. Maybe we started dating somebody new, that person reaches out. And the theory for us is that it's almost like they can sense a disturbance in the forest that something is telling them something's not right. They didn't think they were going to lose you and now they are losing you. And it happens time and time again. It's just one of those things that are unexplainable other than we see it all the time. And you know, some of you won't believe in it and that's okay, but I'm just telling you from behind the scenes with us, we see it a lot. Right?
Margaret (01:55):
And I've heard some people say they couldn't believe it at first, but wow.
Craig (01:59):
I've had people that literally got text messages on our Skype from their ex. They hadn't heard from them in months. Literally they were like, you won't even believe this. And I'm like, you better write a comment in the YouTube channel. People are waiting for their ex for months and they literally contact them during the Skype,
Margaret (02:20):
As you were having the conversations, some part of them heard it.
Craig (02:23):
It's so bizarre, right? Because you know, people ask about like the law of attraction and can you manifest stuff like that? And I don't know for me, I don't have a big understanding of that, but the way I see it, it's almost like when you completely let go and move on and you really do enough work to get to that place where you really are healing and moving on, that's when they come back.
Margaret (02:48):
And your partner somehow senses it. It's so bizarre. Right.
Victoria (02:51):
And it's that moment where you relinquish control, but you can really feel that moment of just like "I'm I feel like I'm getting over this" and boom. Yeah, that's right.
Craig (03:01):
So interesting. But you know, you can't fake it. You can't lie to yourself and be like, no, I'm over it. And then where's the text. That's not the way that it works. You got to really be over it. It's like once you really truly get through that. Yeah. It's, it's incredible how often that happens. And Margaret, you, you said you had a good example that when you
Margaret (03:25):
It started before I ever darkened the door of the school of social work, I was working for the child protective agencies and the clients that you had, there were often struggling with poverty, as well as whatever their other problems were. And so they would move a lot and you couldn't find them, when you'd go back to make another home visit. They weren't there. They had moved somewhere else. And so at that point we would have to close the case. And as soon as you picked up the pen to write the closing, the phone would ring and it would be them saying, don't close my case. Wow. Yeah. Somehow they knew.. Yes. And it happened over and over again.
Craig (04:04):
Okay. And many of you may be skeptical and rightfully so. You can believe whatever you want, but think for a minute, okay. Not in this particular breakup that you're going through because obviously you're still hoping they come back. But think about other exes that reached out. Have you had other exes that reached out when you finally let go and maybe even started dating the person that you just broke up with. Right. So think about previous exes that reached out to you that you thought you would never hear from them. Again, they went after that bad breakup with them, I'm never going to reach out to you. And how often do they say to you? I've been thinking about you for years. I thought about you every day. It's unreal. Yeah.
Victoria (04:47):
Right. And if you think about the ways that even you think about others, sometimes a random thought or something around you will remind you of that person and then you'll have the feeling of, "Oh, I should see how they're doing" . And how random that is. That must be the same for your ex as well.
Craig (05:04):
Yeah. I mean, I've had people say they had exes come back after 30 something years. I think that was the record was 30 something. Yeah. I know. I definitely remember when in like 27 years, I mean, those things stand out to me. So people do come back all the time and even when you think this situation is completely done, if you really get to a good place and work through your stuff and kind of move forward and move on, you're probably going to hear from them again.
Margaret (05:33):
And the more connected you are, the more likely you are to hear from.
Craig (05:36):
Yeah. So I got an email that I wanted to share. This was someone that did a coaching with me awhile ago. They said, hi, Craig, I did a Skype session in may of this year regarding my long distance relationship. I did what you said and diligently followed the rules of no contact to the T. I have some good news for you. It's truly strange, but it's true what they say, when you let go, things unfold super fast. So I finally let go and moved on from my past relationship and worked on meditation, self-love, et cetera. A new guy I am interested in as well as an old friend came into my life recently. And I went on a date with each. See, we have two people, right? I'm actually interested in one of these new guys, people I haven't spoken to in years reached out after only minutes or hours, I think of them very odd, right? The big news is that yesterday after almost exactly seven months of no contact, except for his mom reaching out, occasionally my ex wrote to me. Now, it's not super long. He reached out excusing to bother me, but would really like my help on something. A ridiculous excuse for help on some legal advice. She says, I'm a doctor specialized in cardiology, definitely not a lawyer, by the way. So, okay. Then you see it's an indirect, direct approach, right? Because it doesn't make any sense for him to do that. The funny thing is that as you and Margaret said multiple times in your videos, he reached out the very next day after I went out on a date with the new guy. Wow. LOL in bold. Right.
Victoria (07:34):
But that really puts somebody in a real predicament. If you're going out to date new people and now you get a text back from you're ex "what do I do now?",
Craig (07:43):
That is a great problem to have
Margaret (07:45):
I have too many of them instead of not enough. Yeah.
Craig (07:49):
But it's incredible that this is what happens time and time again. So she said I haven't responded yet. It's only been 24 hours and there's a difference of seven hours. I was thinking of answering politely tomorrow. So I remain calm and kind, thanks again for your help. I'm not sure I want him back at all anymore. So it's almost like when we get more balanced within ourselves, that the person comes back for whatever reason,
Victoria (08:20):
And it can be scary to make that move or to even think about it. Many of you guys might be thinking, I don't want to let go. I want to hold on. I want to hold on for hope and see what's going to happen with my ex and not meet new people, because what if I get over them? That could be a very real fear.
Craig (08:40):
I talked to somebody today that was like, "I'm kind of getting over them. I'm not really sure." And it's so interesting because it's almost like we get to a place where we're so stuck on our ex that we are almost afraid to let go of letting go. So very interesting stuff. And you know, it just is another example of what we see. And like I said, you don't have to believe in it. We're just sharing our personal stories behind it and what we see. There are obviously things that we can't explain, right? Yes. There definitely are. And this is just one of those things that we see behind the scenes and when it happens, we're like we got to tell you guys about it because it's really cool to hear an interesting to hear.
Margaret (09:28):
And I just want to say a word in favor of the concept of process. The in term right now is "let go of", but let go of, it's not that simple. Process is the right word. Feel it entertain it, make friends with it. Okay?
Craig (09:43):
Absolutely. So just one of the share this little email, I thought it was a good one. And think about your previous exes. Okay. In the situations where you had truly moved on, maybe you started dating new people, did you have other exes that come back because that kind of shows along what we're seeing here, why it works like this? I don't know. It's just something that we see, right? So hopefully you enjoy this video.
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Should I Wish My Ex Merry Christmas?
Craig (00:00):
Today. We're going to be talking about, should I reach out to my ex for Christmas? Okay. So, many of you guys are really struggling right now on the fence about what to do. The holidays are really important. And I know many of you are feeling like "this is going to be the worst holiday I've ever had in my life". And it does feel like that because I know I've been through a breakup around the holidays and it's awful, but we're going to talk about this today because we have some opinions about this. Do you think someone should break no contact and reach out to their ex for Christmas?
New Speaker (01:22):
No.
Craig (01:25):
No. If somebody has chosen to end the relationship with you, we all believe that it's their job to reach out to you and try and repair things. Right? Margaret.
Margaret (01:36):
Exactly. Yeah. The ball is in their court, as we say.
Craig (01:39):
Yeah. Because you know, if you think about it, the holidays is actually an even more powerful time for not reaching out to somebody. Right. Because it's like, they're going to be impacted even more on those days when they don't hear from you as well, because it's a special day. Right.
Margaret (02:04):
And, and you want to be with your loved ones and if you watch TV for even five minutes, you'll see one happy couple and one happy family right after the other. And if you're not in that situation, it's just terrible and you can even feel guilty for not doing it, but remember they broke up with you.
Craig (02:24):
Yeah. And for a lot of you guys, it's going to be a shock for your ex to not hear from you. Right. You don't realize it, but they're on the other side of this as well. And you know, despite how they're behaving and showing, and a lot of times acting like they don't care if you're alive or dead, it doesn't mean that's how they're feeling inside. And so it's going to hit them hard when you don't reach out to them and you really want to give them the gift of missing you. Right. So yes, they are going to be thinking about you.
Margaret (03:02):
They are, even if you don't believe it. And so many people's like, I know they're not thinking about me they said it was over and it's over. Probably not. And no one breaks up that they don't think about it afterwards and say, gee whiz, did I make the right decision? If they were with you last year? Of course, they're going to be thinking back on that this year. Right. and wondering if they did the right thing and probably missing you no matter what they said, when you broke up, okay,
Craig (03:30):
They're going to also compare their life to how they were doing last year and where you guys were. Exactly. And now how it's going. Right. And so they need time to see what life is like without you. And when you just keep pushing forward and reaching out to them, I don't think it gives them the opportunity to, to really feel that.
Margaret (03:52):
No, it doesn't. And you want them sounds kind of mean, I know, but you want them to sit with the consequences of their decision, which is not to have you in their life anymore. And you're honoring what they asked you for, which was obviously space, right?
Victoria (04:09):
And it's going to feel weird because especially if you're used to spending that time with them or their family every year, it's going to be a big difference to be alone for the first time, right. During the first holidays. Always that first year is always going to be the most difficult because of all these very special sentimental moments that come up.
Margaret (04:28):
And if you contact them, it's going to help their anxiety and don't think for a minute, they don't have it. Separation, anxiety works both ways, but you don't want to rescue them. You want them to sit with that anxiety and that upset and their sadness and rethink their decision.
Craig (04:46):
And the other thing that's going to be a struggle for them is they're going to have a lot of nosey relatives .
Margaret (04:52):
Nosy relatives are always at family dinners, right? And there's always so and so, and uncle, blah, blah, blah, who will say to you. "So Where's Linda. She was here last year. We thought you guys were going to be married and we'd have children around by now." now if you're hurting, that is the last thing you need to hear. And it's very difficult to be polite, but refuse to answer the question, which is the goal, "she couldn't come or things didn't work out with us the way we might've hoped" or whatever you say, but don't get into a long discussion, just provide the information.
Craig (05:32):
But your ex is going to be bombarded with questions from their relatives, asking where you are.
Margaret (05:39):
And everybody wants to know when you're getting married and why you haven't so far, there's no family member that doesn't want to know. Right.
Victoria (05:46):
And they want to know what happened. So having to rehash that story to every family member, no, it's overwhelming. It didn't work out. Yeah.
Craig (05:58):
Your ex is going to have to rehash the story of your breakup.
Margaret (06:02):
It's a good point. Cause they're going to get all the same questions from uncle so-and-so.
Craig (06:06):
It's going to kind of in a way, force them to think about you, even if they weren't, even if they were trying not to. Right now, some of you guys will hear from your ex on the holidays. Sometimes if your ex's been thinking about things for a while and they've been on the fence, they will use the holidays as an excuse and you'll get a happy holidays message, Merry Christmas message, something like that. Sometimes you do hear that, but you know, for them, you have to realize it's, it's actually scary for them to do that because they're putting themselves at risk. We don't feel like they are because we've made our feelings so clear to them during the breakup. But actually after some time has passed, they start to wonder and they start to feel like "if I reach out to you, are you going to reject me?"
Margaret (06:54):
Which you have every right and reason to do. Right.
Craig (06:57):
But if they do reach out and they wish you like a Merry Christmas or something like that, it's really important that you don't come on too strong. Right? Because it might be something where they are just caring about you as a person and they really, you know, they miss you. They don't necessarily see you getting back together, but you know, they miss you
Margaret (07:20):
And they were your friend, as well as your lover,
Victoria (07:23):
Especially if they were connected with your family and culturally, they might think it's rude to not share the season's greetings with your ex and their family. That is a big point. Yes.
Craig (07:35):
So the key is, is that if they reach out to you not to come on too strong, don't reply right away. I would suggest waiting till later on in the day have a good time with your family, even though that's difficult, but the phone aside and let them sit with wondering how you're feeling or if you're going to reply. And the other thing is that many of you are not necessarily in a situation where you're completely in no contact. Maybe you and your ex are talking here or there, maybe there's, you're still seeing each other sometimes. And it's, you know, kind of, one of those things are on the fence. Reaching out is a risk, right? We're not suggesting that you do that. We understand some of you are going to do, regardless of what we suggest, which is fine, but you got to consider if you reach out, they might not reply. Right. Okay.
Margaret (08:26):
So you have to be prepared for that. That's right.
Craig (08:28):
They may not reply with something that you're expecting or they may reply and it may just not go anywhere. Like they might just might be polite and say, Merry Christmas to you and then afterwards, you're like, why did I send that? Right. And then you're, then you're kind of feeling like frustrated.
Margaret (08:47):
Don't just do it impulsively is what we're saying. Cause you can't get hurt if you're not ready.
Craig (08:52):
Yeah. But we understand how difficult it is during this time of year and how, you know, it feels even worse on those days.
Margaret (09:02):
Oh, Christmas is brutal. Again, like I say, I learned this from kids in foster care who weren't with their families. And they would say, if I see one more blank'n happy family there, I'm going to cry or throw something at the TV. Okay. So they let you know just how painful and hard it was for them to be separated from their families and their loved ones. Yep.
Craig (09:26):
So your, your ex is going to go through a lot too, regardless of what they show you, because oftentimes your ex has their walls up, particularly if you've been pushy and haven't respected their decision and pushed your own agenda. Right. So you can expect that. It's not like they're going to be eager to reach out to you when all these, you know, dramatic moments have happened and fighting and arguing and all these kinds of things. But we wanted to talk about this today. Cause I know that many of you are going to interpret it as they don't care about me. They're not thinking about me and we're never going to get back together if it doesn't happen at Christmas, that's simply not true.
Margaret (10:11):
It's not true. Yeah. Right, right. Yep. It's simply not true. It's not, it's never all or nothing. Yeah. You know? Yeah.
Craig (10:20):
Many people that don't get back together at the holidays or hear from their ex at the holidays and get back together with their ex in the future.
Margaret (10:29):
And then you find out later, Oh, I was thinking about you all Christmas. I was thinking about you on new year's. Do you remember that lovely new year's we had last year? Then you'll start to hear these messages. Yep.
Craig (10:40):
Right. Absolutely. But in the moment we know how difficult it is. So we just wanted to help prepare you. We have several other Christmas videos out there.
Margaret (10:48):
And I've heard a couple of people ask me just in the last two weeks, should I reach out at Christmas? Who broke up with whom? Remind me, Oh yeah. They broke up with me. You know? What if I don't hear, she will think, I don't care about them anymore. Well, you know, they took that risk when they broke up with, you know.
Craig (11:10):
Okay. So hopefully you found this video helpful.