Do Feelings REALLY Change?

Today we're going to be talking about, do feelings really change. Big topic. I know so many of you worry about that every single day. And I could totally understand it because when you're in a situation like a breakup and somebody says, I'm done, I'm over this. I don't want to work this out. And you feel devastated and hopeless, it feels like that's it. That's the way it stays forever. Okay. So I got a quick email today and we're going to talk about this. Okay. And before we start, I just want to say, make sure you guys subscribe to the channel that way, you know, that we continue to grow and help people and push those other channels away. That spew a little nonsense, you know who you are. So let me get to this email.

Craig (01:40):

They said, hi, coach Craig and Margaret. I know you've talked a lot about situations that are hopeless turning around. Sometimes that feels like false hope in my situation. People talk about false hope. Quite often. We'll get to that in a minute. I'll let you talk about false hope. Do you think that even if an ex really says they never want to see you again, that it can really turn around? Sometimes I get scared that you just say that to make us feel better. Oh, okay. Well, I could totally understand why you would feel like that. Okay. you know, you guys have to understand that we are in a very different position than you are. Okay. You are on the end of a recent breakup and everything is terrifying. Margaret and I are on the other end of it and we see tons of people every week and we've been doing it for a long time now. So we see when situations that are really hopeless. Absolutely do turn around. I have seen situations that the person was like, I'm never coming back. In fact, we share those emails sometimes. "I'm Never coming back. I never want to see you again. I never want to have another chance with this" and they absolutely can get turned around. Now, sometimes you guys feel like that there are situations of false hope. "Well, You're just giving us false hope." Margaret, what do you think about that?

Margaret (03:10):

Well, I think it would be irresponsible of us to do that. And you know, we're more likely to tell you how it is then to give you false hope. And we have seen all kinds of feelings change. Have you ever been so angry at someone that you never wanted to see them again, talk to them again, know that they existed in the world again, and most people don't feel that way longterm over very many people, particularly someone they were close to. Okay. And people can say all kinds of things when they're angry,

Craig (03:44):

Or if they want you to leave them alone, they're just, they're cold. And they're in that moment. They are like, I don't want to deal with you.

Margaret (03:51):

You feel like you're chilled to your spine and you need your mittens and your coat. But again, feelings change over time. It could have to do with a fight they had with the boss that day, the way their mother treated the most of the time they were growing up, all kinds of things can go into the angry things we say to each other, but trust us, we would rather have you unhappy and facing the truth than try to give you false hope. But we believe that most situations have hope in that because we've seen it over and over again. Yep. Okay. Yeah.

Craig (04:29):

It's just about, you know, focusing on the personal growth in the meantime, and then when you get an opportunity in front of your ex, again, show them a newer, more attractive version of yourself where you're not dramatic when you're not begging and you're crying anymore and you're actually showing them, wow, you've really made changes. You've done things that you, I didn't think you were going to do. You've made progress. I've had people just recently that had drinking problems and they stopped drinking. So they make complete life changes and they're going into therapy when their partner thought they'd never get into therapy or they're actually working on communication skills and, you know, committed to being a better partner. And yes, that is a lot more attractive than who you were before.

Margaret (05:17):

One of the other things is it depends on what you think you deserve. Okay. And there are many people out there who got all kinds of messages growing up, that they were not good people and that they didn't deserve to have good things happen to them. And if you're one of those, even aside from the situation you're dealing with, you're a human being. You're a good person because you breathe and you are here and you deserve to have things turned around. Okay?

Craig (05:46):

Yeah. It's really, really tough because some people are so upset and frustrated about their particular situation that they get angry at us or how we see things. Now we are very upfront and when we say not, everybody's going to get a chance with their ex it's simply not going to happen for all of you. We wish that everybody would, but we don't say that. Okay. We don't talk about percentages unless it's been researched. We don't spew that kind of nonsense because you know, Margaret, her philosophy has been for years ever since I've known her, is that we can talk about and deal with anything,

Margaret (06:28):

Right. If we're willing to look at it. Absolutely.

Craig (06:31):

Okay. So that's how we stand about it. Some of you will not get another chance with your ex, but many of you will surprisingly hear from your ex again. And when you do, leave comments, so that people know that it does happen. Exes say I'm never coming back. I never want to see you again. They think that the grass is greener. Like they think that their other options are better or they just, they don't feel the same way about you. And then in time they realize how much you really did mean to them.

Margaret (07:09):

Another thought has just gone through my mind that if you have an experience where you have a parent who left you and disappeared, it would be hard for you to have a whole lot of hope about relationships, redeeming themselves. I could readily understand that. So if that's one of the things that happened to you, yes, it happened to you. And it was real. But actually that cannot happen again, since you've already dealt with that parent and most situations turn around and later in life that parent could look for you, all those things can happen. But if you've had that kind of a loss, it would be hard to hope. And you could say, what are these people talking about? People do leave, and just never come back at all. But not often.

Craig (08:00):

Yeah. Sometimes they do leave. It depends upon the situation because your situations are so different. You should see how different my calls are in any given day. Right? Right. It's just all over the map. If you sat and heard my calls, you would see that so many of them are extremely different now over any given month, you're gonna see a lot of similarities, but you're going to see a lot of differences. You know, I had a guy today that the girlfriend broke up with him right around the anniversary of the, one of the parent's death. So we had an anniversary reaction and thanks to the channel he was, a little familiar with that when I brought it up to him, you know? So we talked about that and, and how to, you know, navigate that.

Margaret (08:50):

What I want to say to this gentleman is you can't be that unlovable. Okay. You cannot be so that someone would never, ever even debate coming back to you. Yeah.

Craig (09:01):

Yeah. You know, there's a lot of reasons why somebody could leave a relationship. But there's also a lot of reasons why they could come back. Sure. You know, sometimes the person was frustrated with the way the relationship was going. They couldn't deal with things going the way they were. And they're like, I'm done, I'm over it. I have to get out. I can't keep feeling like this, but if you leave them alone and you let them deal with things, process, things, think about things and come back to you when they're ready, you're going to be a lot more likely to repair it or have another opportunity if it presents itself. So yes, feelings really do change all the time. And it's absolutely true. It's true for men. And it's true for women.

Margaret (09:52):

Absolutely. Think of your parents. I mean, you can remember both of your parents being extremely anxious, angry, safer for all sorts of different reasons and they're fine a day or two later feelings do change. Yeah.

Craig (10:06):

Yeah, absolutely. So I hope you, you know, feel a little bit better about this, knowing that a lot of times, time is a key factor in having an opportunity with your ex again, how much time it takes. It's different for everybody. And there's a lot of different factors, you know, and unfortunately our crystal ball still hasn't been delivered by Amazon.

Margaret (10:35):

No, we'll let you know when it comes in,

Craig (10:37):

Simply look at our past experiences with coachings and what typically happens with previous clients and how we've seen things.

Margaret (10:46):

Well, you know, I do have to say something else about feeling hopeless. If you feel hopeless for a long time, please reach out to some local therapists because being hopeless can sometimes make you hurt yourself or think about hurting yourself and we don't want that to happen with anyone. Of course. So if you can't beat the hopelessness, please reach out. Okay. Every community has some sort of a clinic.

Craig (11:10):

Absolutely.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind During NO CONTACT? Will Your Ex Forget About You?

Today we're going to be talking about, out of sight out of mind. Well, I think that is a huge misconception. I just want to start with that but I think many people that, you know, even maybe advice that you see online, you'll hear things like out of sight, out of mind, there's one particular dating coach that I find extremely unhelpful. I won't name names, but their approach is very aggressive and in your face and almost gets you terrified that if you're not in your ex's face, they're going to stop thinking about you. They're going to move on. And I think it comes across as very toxic and hostile almost it's so aggressive or avoidant. I mean, it would scare you to death and you'd back off faster. Yeah. But this idea of out of sight out of mind is something that I think is a major misconception about human beings, right?

Craig (01:50):

When it comes to attachment, when we form a bond and emotional connection with somebody, we on some level, keep that bond forever. It goes on in our unconscious forever. It may not be as intense or the desire may not be there to be with that person, but you don't forget people that you truly bonded with. Right. Right. You want to hear about my Adam theory? Yes. I've read not all that long ago. And I don't claim to be an expert on this, but not long ago, someone who was writing about attachment, it's an article. I was reading talked about how Adam's work and if two atoms are attached to each other, at any point, they always, always are attracted to each other again and have something in common and have some connection. Okay. And the person was trying to say, so it is with human beings that once you've really had a connection with someone, it doesn't go away.

Craig (02:53):

No, it doesn't go away. And the reason that we're talking about this is that, you know, talk a lot about when somebody ends a relationship, not contacting them and respecting their decision and that we both understand that is absolutely terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. It might be one of the scariest things that you have to do or feel like you have to do in your life. And I understand that because I've been in that place, I've been in that situation where I had to do that and not knowing if it's the right decision is, you know, it's really scary. If I stop reaching out, they're going to forget me. They're going to forget all about me if I'm not reaching out, out of sight, out of mind.

Craig (03:42):

Margaret, do you have any idea where this concept may have even come from?

Margaret (03:47):

I think there's another early process. Of course, that has to do with that. And that is that again, if we are nurtured and cared for enough as little ones, eventually we learn to hold on to kind of a snapshot of mom so that when we're left alone or in our crib or our bed or whatever. And we don't see her and she's not near us. We can call up what her face looks like or remember what her voice sounds like. Yeah. Okay. So there is a way we can kind of take people with us. Yeah. And even though we're often not aware of it, most of us adults calm ourselves down somehow by getting back in touch with that, now we don't have time to do that in a split second, nor are we terribly aware of it. But if you've not had the experience of being able to do that, I'm sure you would believe everywhere in your heart that this person's just going to forget.

Craig (04:46):

It probably came from somebody that has an anxious attachment style and they were thinking, and that was their ultimate fear out of sight, out of mind. And for some reason it became a mainstream thought or process maybe amongst the anxious people.

Margaret (05:05):

Right. And it certainly was not a big idea with anybody who was into the unconscious because not much is out of mind.

Craig (05:14):

But you know, it's important to understand that when we form this bond, it's not just the, the thought of, "I love this person". It's a real connection that hits us on deep levels. And that just doesn't, you never kind of stop caring about them. I care about people that I dated many years ago and you know, it doesn't mean that I would date them again, but I certainly wouldn't forget them. I could call up their voice. Right. And if, if you're really struggling to call up their voice, I had somebody tell me this week, they couldn't call up their ex's voice, right. Then you probably had a massive trauma with your caregivers.

Margaret (05:59):

Sometimes it's helpful to look at a picture in order to be able to grieve because grieving is difficult If you can't call up the person's picture and or voice. That's interesting. Yeah. Sometimes it's helpful to look at a picture, even though it will make you sad, it may help you grieve. And I realized that after working with families who were too crazy to have people have time to internalize the picture of mom and so forth and so on. And I realized that they couldn't grieve. And finally it occurred to me to ask them to bring in the family album and that would do it. They would get to see the pictures of the lost people and so forth. And sometimes that would help them be able to grieve.

Craig (06:42):

And that makes me think of clients that I've worked with even many years ago, locally, that kids that I worked with had never met their father, never even seen a picture of their father and their behavior was just outrageous. They couldn't calm themselves down. They were extremely, I remember one kid was so hyperactive. Right. He had never seen his father never even seen a picture. Right. So how could he grieve that? Yeah.

Margaret (07:11):

And I've heard many people say, well, out of sight, out of my father, isn't involved. And I would say, no, you're supposed to have two parents watch TV for five minutes. You find that out. This is a huge issue always. Right. And if mom is willing to give up the information, sometimes she is sometimes she isn't, it's a huge help for this kid to know as much as he can know, because he has degrees.

Craig (07:32):

Yeah. So out of sight, out of mind is it's very helpful to know that when you're in no contact, you're leaving your ex alone. You're allowing them to sit with the decision. You're allowing them to start to wonder if it's the right idea. They're not going to forget about you. On their end, they're going to think about you. It depends upon what particularly happened in your relationship. Why it ended the circumstances, all of that is going to affect that. But at the end of the day, they are going to think about you.

Margaret (08:09):

Yes they are. And you hear people often say too, "well, did they ever love me? Maybe they never loved me. And they just kind of strung me along." No, they wouldn't have stayed around as long as they did. Okay. So they did have some genuine feeling for you and know they're not going to forget you, even if they want to.

Craig (08:26):

Yeah. And one of the things that is so difficult about being in no contact is you're constantly obsessing about if they're thinking about you, have they moved on, will you, will you ever hear from them again? And every minute feels like an eternity. Right?

Margaret (08:48):

And I think that's a great observation because anytime we're talking about anything that relates to unconscious material, it's important to remember that the unconscious doesn't do time. Everything is forever and everything is blissful. And so, it can slow down and seem like forever and time can get all this story and you're not going crazy. That's just kinda how it works.

Craig (09:13):

So it's awful because let's say you're sending there for 10 minutes by yourself. You might have a hundred thoughts about where are they at? What are they doing? Where are they looking at their social media, looking at their Facebook, obsessing about the last argument, obsessing about the last things they said to you, wondering if they're ever going to reach out wondering if they still care about you. And it just feels like that 10 minute period feels like an entire day. Yeah, sure. And I can remember literally sitting in my room after the Applebee's breakup in particular on the bed and just not being able to stop thinking about it. Just, I couldn't think about anything else. I, I couldn't even be distracted by a video game or TV or anything. I just was staring at old messages or, you know, obsessing about, will they contact me today? It's been three days and it just feels like an endless, you're trapped in this endless time and moment of uncertainty and fear and just being fearful.

Margaret (10:28):

Terrified. Yes. Being separated always is scary. Yeah.

Craig (10:32):

Yeah. But it's just, this moment feels endless. If that makes sense.

Margaret (10:36):

It does. You were talking about endless moments when we talk about the unconscious, this feeling must be forever too. The bliss thing didn't work out, but this abandonment thinks seems forever.

Craig (10:46):

Yeah. And the other thing that you probably think, and I know I was thinking, this is that, you know, "was our relationship meaningless to them". Right. And you start to obsess about it. Did they ever even care about me? How could they do this to me? I don't understand how could they want this connection, this dynamic that we had to go away, you know, especially if you're in a relationship where you're getting along so well and you know, you thought it was relatively healthy relationship, you know, then it's just like, you're, you can't even find faults. You're not, you know what I mean? You're just like, I don't even usually get angry at them. You know,

Margaret (11:28):

It feels like a physical wound, almost

Craig (11:31):

Pain is physical. It can be literally physical. It physically hurts for me. And, as I worked on understanding breakups more and more and how it relates to our attachment. I understand that the anxiety that I was feeling after my breakup was very similar, the anxiety I had as a kid. And I didn't understand that, that, you know, because my mom and dad were split up when I was about a year and a half old, and my dad left my mom to be with another woman. My mom had a lot of anxiety or so I can imagine. And so she was very stressed out about the bills and not being able to afford the house. And She was afraid that my dad would take me away. She would catastrophize.

Margaret (12:24):

The woman has to be a nervous wreck. So you picked that up, babies, pick it up,

Craig (12:29):

I absorbed all that anxiety. And then, you know, having to physically leave to be at my dad's house around a stepmother that I didn't like. And I got those, you know, we talked about me having the intuition that she wasn't good. And I think, you know, she probably has several diagnoses

Craig (12:55):

But when I had to go over there, I would cry all the time. I would cry on the weekends. I would cry being away from my mom,

Margaret (13:02):

I was going to say, you probably worried about your anxious mother, kids worry about parents. Sure.

Craig (13:08):

And I, you know, having to go there on the summer, I would go to camp and, you know, looking at it now, it was a really nice camp. They had go carts and swimming and all kinds of fun arts and crafts. And it was probably a wonderful camp, but I would literally be sick every morning. They would want us to go swimming. First thing in the morning, I would have earaches. I wouldn't, I would be crying at camp. I would, I would want to go home.

Margaret (13:36):

I also think the water would be cold first thing.

Craig (13:40):

And so it was so traumatic for me being away from my mom. And so I experienced a lot of the same symptoms, you know, as an adult, going through my breakup

Margaret (13:54):

And thank you for sharing that, Craig, that's generous of you. And that's exactly what happens that if we have early separations, the separation and adulthood calls, all that stuff.

Craig (14:04):

Yeah. So I think, you know, people that are more secure and had a healthier childhood and connection with their parents, the breakups aren't as painful to them 

Margaret (14:17):

Still painful, but not as, yeah,

Craig (14:19):

They are painful, but I'm just saying they probably don't experience it the same way because I, you know, like with trauma that it stays in the body. Right. You want to talk a little bit, you know, there's a book called the trauma the body keeps score.

Margaret (14:35):

The Body Keeps the Score. We'll do a whole thing on that one day, but the body, the body absorbs trauma. Yes, absolutely. So your body was anxious and it was no wonder you had earaches.

Craig (14:47):

Yeah. Probably very reflective of how I felt when was little being away from home and away from mom, is how I felt in the break actually. And I didn't understand that. I mean, how could I have known that? So many of you, if you, as you take a deeper look at your issues in your childhood, you may realize, Oh, I was sent to my grandma's house for two years or I was shipped off to another country

Margaret (15:15):

Right. And then you have to remind yourself, I don't have to go there now. I'm a, I'm a grown up and yes, I have all those feelings, but I don't have to go to another country. I don't have to go to my grandma's. I can stay right here. I'm a grownup now. And it's important to do that, to reorient yourself to the present. Yeah,

Craig (15:32):

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But I think it was for me, that timeless feeling of feeling devastated and separated and scared is what was coming out of my unconscious when I was in no contact and not reaching out to my ex.

Margaret (15:49):

Never have we said no contact was easy. No.

Craig (15:53):

We understand why the out of sight out of mind is so scary that your unconscious is like, "they're never going to come back. They're going to forget about me." Right. And that's just not the case.

Margaret (16:08):

Well, that makes me think of the movie home alone, which was a big hit and lots of people watched it and it probably speaks to a primal fear that the family will forget me and leave me behind. And they did. I watched it, the poor kid got left behind it's everybody's worst fear.

Craig (16:28):

Now the other thing is that what's so difficult is that usually the last interactions with an ex are, "I don't care about you. I don't want to talk to you anymore. This is over, I'm never going to give you another chance" because they're trying to separate from you and, and put that wall up. So they don't think you're going to keep manipulating them or trying to harass them or change their mind. Right. And so because those interactions, they they're. So even cruel at times, it's exasperating, the you're going to forget about me. Oh my gosh. If I don't do it,

Margaret (17:08):

She said, she's never gonna think about me again. That she's done with me. She's through with me. She's never given me another chance. So why should I think she'll ever think about me again? Yeah.

Craig (17:17):

But what happens is, as you leave them alone and they have some space to, you know, think about things, realize that the issue is may have not been as bad as they were feeling at the time or unhappy about certain things. Those issues aren't as intense for them, that all plays out in their unconscious, Margaret. And you wanted to talk about now they have the same,

Margaret (17:42):

They have the same unconscious responses that you do. So even if you did the breaking up, okay, you might feel at first, then you might feel a little better for a little while, but eventually it will catch up to you. And you're going to grieve this loss also. And you're going to wonder if you made the right decision and people say, well, if there are no contact, but I heard from that ubiquitously third party, you know, the third party that shows up everywhere and says, I saw so and so out at a bar. And they looked very happy with 12 new guys. Okay. You're always going to hear that one, but is your ex partner liable to go off and live happily ever after with the next person they meet,

Craig (18:21):

Not likely. It's very, very unlikely.

Margaret (18:24):

It may take them awhile to get around, to grieving the relationship with you, but they will. Okay. Yeah.

Craig (18:31):

And you know, we have this fear that they are going to see our ex as this amazing person, the way that we see them, but that often doesn't happen. And, you know, even like with the Applebee's situation with that girl, she thought she was going to date this new guy. And what did he do? He broke up with her to be with the girl that he really wanted to be with. Beaky buzzer wound up marrying that girl. Yeah, he was on a rebound is where he was. So, and what happened is the girl that he had longed for, for, for years saw that he got into a relationship with my ex. So that's when she finally wanted him because he became unavailable. And then the minute he had the opportunity, he dropped my ex and she told me that she admitted it. She came clean and said, you deserve to know this. So his rebound work in a way. Yeah. Yeah. but she told me that karma got me and you deserve to know,

Margaret (19:42):

Oh yeah, that was good of her.

Craig (19:46):

But you know, one thing that you said to me earlier is that even for them, the, the dumper that they're on some level insulted that the relationship

Margaret (20:03):

Are always insulted when our initial fantasy that this will be perfect and blissful doesn't work out. Absolutely never is a human being happy with the end of a relationship. Even if you, for whatever reason, think you need to end it. Yeah. You grieve too. You're shocked. And you grief too. Yeah.

Craig (20:23):

So have comfort in knowing that you are not going to be out of their mind, even if they, even, if they just said, I'm not going to think about him. I don't want him back. Even if they consciously did that, you're still gonna come up in their unconscious

Margaret (20:39):

And there's still going to be that favorite song you enjoyed that night

Craig (20:43):

Or the movies that you loved, or that hobby that you liked, you know, I'm sure they always saw that thing that you, no matter where they're going to go, you're going to come up. Right. You're going to come up in their unconscious it's it's inescapable. I'm sure that anytime any of my exes see like, like a star Wars movie coming out, they all know they're thinking of me. I know it. There's just no way they're escaping that. No, they can't just get it. And isn't that nice. Yeah. There are certain things they won't be able to escape. Like if I see a new Scooby doo movie come out, one of my other exes will come up or something. You know what I mean? Other things from other exes of when I see things that they enjoyed it come, they come up in my unconscious and that's okay.

Margaret (21:28):

And, and, you know, a good thing is if you can remember that you enjoyed the relationship for at least as long as it lasted and every time a loss comes up, you work through it a little further. Yeah.

Craig (21:38):

The point is, is that out of sight out of mind? No. No, we disagree. And that's why we go on and on about the unconscious, because we want you to understand why that is. Absolutely. So hopefully you found this video helpful.

Why Would My Ex Come Back To Me?

Why Would My Ex Come Back To Me?

We often feel like our ex will never come back. We look at everything we've done wrong and think, there's no way they would come back to me after the way I treated them. So why would your ex come back? Why would your ex give you a second chance? We talk about those reasons in this video.

In Today’s video we're going to be talking about why would my ex come back to me? That's a big question. It is a big question and when you think about it, it's probably a scary question,

Margaret:           00:52    right? If you say, why would my ex come back to me? You're looking, you're asking me to really think about what I think I have to offer. Yeah, well what I had to offer her

Craig:    01:03 or him, so I've got a quick email that I want to go to and then we're going to talk about it. All right, so they said, hi coach. I wanted to start off by saying you and Margaret are the best coaches I found on youtube.

Craig:    01:20    The videos have been really eyeopening and I started the workbooks and love them. One of the big things I've struggled with is this, why, what my ex ever come back to me. I was with my girlfriend for three years. I am just now realizing how terrible I was as her boyfriend. Oh, I've been feeling very depressed. As I look back. I used to yell at her all the time. I didn't call her names. I was just impatient with her. I neglected her and it's been going on for a long time. I really didn't know how to make her feel loved. After watching the video on that, I really thought there's no way she's coming back and he's referring to the video I did. How to make her feel loved. I'm guessing she said she still cares about me, but it's tired of how I made her feel.

Craig:    02:24    When I pushed her to talk about it more, she said she was done talking about it. She got angry and then said, how many times have we had this discussion? You didn't hear what I had to say then why would you care now that hurt you could imagine that are, uh, I'm doing the work books and they're helping a lot. I've already made a lot of changes and I'm saving up to do a skype with you in the next few weeks. I've just been having such a hard time. She will ever come back. I don't blame her if she doesn't. Well, first of all, I think one of the things that we do in this situation is we assess everything we did wrong, right? And a lot of our energy goes into that as we start thinking about everything we said that was wrong or did that was wrong. All the complaints that they had on why they broke up with us and we magnify them,

Coach Margaret:              03:31    but in this man's behalf and good for him, he's willing to look at whatever is his fault and that's refreshing and that will help you. Absolutely. Most people say, I don't know what I did. This guy is saying, I know what I did. I can see what I did. I take responsibility for and I'm trying to change good for him

Craig:    03:53    and that's the best thing you can do, but that doesn't happen. Magically know, right? You're having to force yourself to really look at who you are in your romantic relationships and maybe how selfish you've been. Yeah. And that's a tough thing to look at.

Margaret:           04:08    Yes it is. Yes it is. And the other thing that you'd be surprised people have a very difficult time time answering is can you say three good things about yourself? I gave up asking for three. I went to two and people still had such trouble. I now settled for one. Can you say a good thing about yourself? And some people really have to struggle. Um, you know, I go to work on time, we'll do, um, you know, I try heart, I clean up after myself. There were all kinds of, even very little things that we do well every day and those are important too. But as you say, when you're in a beat yourself up phase, it's hard to see any of those. Right?

Craig:    04:52    Absolutely. It's very hard because you're overwhelmed by guilt and depression. Right. And you can't think about what you did, right? Because all you're sitting, you want to punish yourself. Yeah. You're like, ah, this person away. Yeah.

Margaret:           05:08    Listen, stupid. What did you do that for?

Craig:    05:11    Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. It's very hard, and you've got to realize that love is incredibly powerful. Attachment is incredibly powerful. I don't think there's anything more powerful than the bond. I think there is either. We have with each other and you know, even though your ex may say to you, I'm never going to talk to you again, I don't want to see you right now. I don't want to hear from you right now. It doesn't mean that they're going to stay feeling like that forever. People change their mind all the time. Good point. Yup. People's feelings change all the time and having some time to reflect on that. And when you give them the space to have that freedom and you're no longer chasing them or begging them to be in your life, they're going to sit back and think about, well, you know what? They did bring a lot to my life too, and I don't know if I want to go on with them either or without them either. Right,

Margaret:           06:12    right. But you could hear in this one. She was desperate. She was talking to him. Okay. For Awhile, but then she got exasperated and said, we've had this conversation 100 times. I'm not doing it again. You didn't hear me before. Why do I think you'll hear me? No, except I think he did hear her this time. Yes, it's a little bit late, but maybe not too late.

Craig:    06:30    Well, I think a lot of people listening, um, they have been told over and over and over again by the x when they were together. You're not changing. You're not fixing this. You're not hearing me. And you didn't take it seriously. Right. You always have to take your partner's needs seriously. Always, always, always. It's part of a relationship and maintaining it. It's 24 slash seven, three 65. It's not waiting for somebody to show up at your door with a letter handing you instructions. You got to know to do this from now on because if you don't, why would they stay with you? Do we know what this lady was complaining about? Only what they said here.

Margaret:           07:13    Okay. All right. But obviously she didn't feel like he was hearing her. Yes. Maybe you don't spend enough time with me. You don't talk to me about what's going on in your life. All of those kinds of things. I'm sure.

Craig:    07:25    Well, he did say that he yelled at her a lot and he was impatient and he neglected her for a long time. Okay. Okay. So you know, one of the things that Margaret said earlier is really important for you to think about and that's thinking about what you have to offer. Yes. Okay. You always have to think about what you have to offer. People aren't obligated to be in a relationship with you. Right? They don't see it sound like you say you're my girlfriend and now and that's it for now and forever. No, you've got to make them want to stay with you all the time. Not, you know, you don't have to be perfect all the time. You can't, but you've got to do your best to be conscious of the relationship.

 Margaret:          08:09    It doesn't sound like this fella asked himself how things were going and he certainly didn't ask her how things were going and if she didn't complain then he probably thought everything was okay until she finally said, but she did complain. She's saying, yeah,

Craig:    08:24    and one of the things that you know, someone like in this situation might say, his life changed now. Now I've changed. Well, you haven't changed. You're aware of the problem, but that doesn't mean you've changed. Real change takes time and work

Margaret:           08:39    and you know, this guy may come from a family where that worked for everybody for a lifetime. His parents might've been perfectly happy that way, but the lady he was with was not having any of it. She was not having any of it,

Craig:    08:52    but nobody's going to expect you to be perfect all the time. They love you and your imperfections just like you loved your ex. Would their imperfections and things that made you nuts or pissed you off or made you sad or frustrated all the time. But at the end of the day, you love somebody and you love who they are in your life and oftentimes when they don't have you anymore and they're scared to lose you, they really reevaluate and reassess that. And it's hard to believe that when the person has just told you, I don't want to talk to ever again, I never want to see you ever again. I'm never going to give you another chance. Right?

 Margaret:          09:34    And you believe it. Of course, particularly if you're this gentleman and you're aware of what you've done, but it may not be forever.

Craig:    09:40    No. And you know, one of the things that we talked about in the video the other day is that, you know, when somebody is telling you, I don't want to talk to you right now, I'm never going to date you again. It's because you haven't respected their boundary and their decision and people do not like it when you impose your will onto their decision

Margaret:           10:05    when you try to. That's absolutely right. And that goes for both men and women. Yeah.

Craig:    10:09    That would be like Margaret and I saying, okay, we're only going to coach people from now on. If you shaved your head at the beginning of the skype, that's right. Change your socks. Some of you guys would say, I'll see my head mom ready to do it. So you're going to be like, well, I'm not going to shake my hand. I don't want to do that. We'll see. No, you don't want to be told what to do. That's our point. Yep. And you have to.

Margaret:           10:32    Nobody wants to be too. And we have to remember, remember that human beings have to, per founder urges, one to be connected and one to be independent and we have to figure out a way to get both and to respect both, right? Yeah,

Craig:    10:47    absolutely. Yeah, but you know, you think about your relationship with your parents and your caregivers, right? Think about your mom. Your mom probably drove you crazy and she probably did certain things that made you feel so nuts inside. You're like, I can't take it. I hate when my mom does this.

Margaret:           11:05    Pick up your shocks and take out the trash at exactly the same time.

Craig:    11:08    Yup. Everybody's mom or dad has quirks and does things that just make you nuts. Right? But you still love them, right? You still wouldn't trade them for another mom. Well, if somebody, you guys might, but for the most part, mostly you would. Wouldn't you say, despite that I still loved them. They still love me and that's the same thing with romantic love, right? If you love somebody and you care about them, you know you can get to a point where you're frustrated and you're fed up and you don't think things are gonna change or that you're going to change, but you can and if you do them.

Margaret:           11:45    Yeah, anybody can at any time of life if you choose,

Craig:    11:49    if you work on yourself and make improvements and weight and your patient for that opportunity to show them again and display the behaviors of somebody that is confident and and can do the things that they were hoping they got the first time around, they're going to revisit it. They're going to be reluctant in some cases and they may make you show it over a period of time, but if you've really changed your welcome mat,

Margaret:           12:17    that's right. Now these folks have been together for awhile.

Craig:    12:20    Yes. Right. Yeah. And uh, several years, I think three years. Yeah.

Coach Margaret:            12:24                   Um, so there's no way she's got to forget about you. There's no way. And you know, so you want to be ready, as Greg says, when she reaches over again and after that length of time, something kept her there for five years, three years in this screen. Okay. Something her there for three years and it had to be something substantial. So whatever that is, she may be back looking for it. Maybe you make great pancakes, have a wonderful sense of humor. Maybe you can fix anything in the house. Maybe you have all sorts of wonderful traits.

Craig Kenneth:                 12:58                 Yeah. You know, the connection that you have with somebody. I mean, let's face it, you go out on a lot of dates and people often go out with many, many people in their lifetime, but there are very few that we really truly bond with. Right, right. That you really have a strong connection with that person and they have that with you and even though they feel like I'm fed up, it's not gonna work that can change and being without you and I'm giving it some space to and them some freedom to make their decision can make them really think, you know, what maybe maybe we can work

Coach Margaret:             13:39                   to sell. Whereas if you persist, she's got to put her energy into saying, oh, not him again.

Craig Kenneth:                 13:44 Exactly. And I can tell you from experiences. One girl that I dated for about four years that I ended the relationship because she hadn't changed and she refused to get into counseling. She had a lot of issues she had to work on from early, early childhood trauma. And so after about four years, three or four years of it, I was like, I gotta this. I gotta move forward. And I asked her to move out and I was, you know, kind as I can be patient with her as I can be. And you know, we were still talking here and there after she had moved out. And I even thought to myself, you know what, maybe if she works on herself and she stays in therapy, like she says she is, I can give this another shot. But then she didn't like being alone and started dating another guy right away and was playing both of us. I found out, oh no, that didn't last long on my end. And that's when I'm like, okay, I'm done. I'm done. Instead of trying to talk about this and deal with this and act like an adult. So you'd rather jump to somebody else. That's when I was like, I'm not gonna I'm a good decision

Craig Kenneth:                 14:52 because I had already been on such a thin ice or she had been on thin ice with me for so long. But even in a situation where I was just fed up beyond belief with this woman and the way she had acted and treated me and she was just negative and mean and manipulative and selfish and oh my gosh, the list went on. Even then I thought, well maybe there's a chance. Yeah, right. And had she done the things that I asked you to do and changing the ways that I have asked you guys to and we teach you to, we might have been together. We might've gotten back together.

Coach Margaret:             15:31                 Right? She wasn't ready. There was no way you could do.

Craig Kenneth:                 15:33                  Yeah, absolutely. So love is incredibly powerful. And the bond that you have when you attach to somebody doesn't just go away. Even if they act like they did or tell you that it did, it doesn't. Yeah,

Coach Margaret:             15:47                  you don't have. Doesn't mean it has. And I don't want this gentleman just spend a lot of time beating himself up. It's not helpful. No. Do some positive things that are going to make you feel better, but don't beat yourself up. It doesn't help. Absolutely. I just want to remind this gentleman to be good to himself. Um, what, what's done is done. He's doing his best to correct it and beating, beating yourself up, sir will not help you. Okay? So be good to yourself and, and help yourself. Encourage yourself to become the man you want to be.

Craig Kenneth:                 16:21                   But realize there are many, many people in this world that go through a breakup and get back together. Right. And sometimes that relationship winds up becoming better than it ever was. And if you do work and make personal growth your priority, you can only increase those chances.