I Told Them I Was Done, But I Didn't Mean It

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about, I told them I was done, but I didn't mean it. Huh? Okay. Margaret, you know, a lot of times when we're upset, we're emotional, something's bothering us and we say, I'm done. I'm done. I remember I started hearing that from some clients locally years ago. Right. I remember some of the women would be like, I'm done. I'm so done. I'm so done with him. I can't take it. I remember who it was specifically. And then two weeks later they'd be back together. Right, exactly. Right. And so, you know, that might be you, you might be sitting there thinking, Oh boy, this was me. I kept saying to them, I was done in the relationship. And, but I didn't mean it. And you don't mean it sometimes. You mean it at the time, but then afterwards you're like, I didn't really mean that you gotta watch what you say when you're upset in a relationship in any circumstances.

Craig (01:41):

Because if you say it, you have to own it. Yep. You can say, I said it impulsively. I didn't mean it, but you have to own that. You said eventually it gets old. And the person's like, you know what, I'm tired of you threatening this relationship. Cause it physically hurts them. When it causes emotional hurt, it causes physical pain as well. And so if they keep hearing it over and over again, it makes them just feel like, you know what, I'm going to disconnect from this and I'm tired. I'm done. So ironically, when you keep saying you're done to somebody, eventually they're going to be done with you. Right. Right. Got to be careful what you're saying. So we got an email coaching. That's going to go into this today. Okay. so this is from a woman in her early thirties and she was dating a guy in his mid twenties. So they were together for over four years. Wow. Long time she said they both live in separate houses and don't have any kids. She, he, she works in retail and he works at a store. They broke up about a month ago after a stupid argument regarding COVID. Now I've seen quite a few breakups over COVID now that the months have been going on. Right. And boy, Margaret it's getting, I think pretty rough for people that they don't have their outlets there.

Margaret (03:06):

Absolutely. Absolutely. People are depressed and mental health experts are saying that, you know, the clinics are going to feel it. And there's never been such a demand for online therapy. I get two messages a day of do I want a job?

Craig (03:20):

It's been really tough. You know, I kind of anticipated this was going to be going on six months. So even for me, I'm kind of like, all right, it's gotten past where it's going, but I know it's going to be a while still,

Margaret (03:34):

But it's on the uptick today and yesterday.

Craig (03:38):

Yup. But I think it's going to be some time before we have a vaccine realistically. And so it's going to impact a lot of people. You have friends and loved ones that are at risk. They have health issues that you're really worried about them. 

Margaret (03:54):

People with children have had a terrible time

Craig (03:59):

Homeschooling, If you're sending your kid to school or not you know, people are losing their job. There's a lot of stress. People are on top of each other in a little apartments or homes. You can't go out and see friends and family. I think a lot of people are depressed

Margaret (04:14):

And you can't go to the bar with your friends. Yep.

Craig (04:17):

Yeah. I think a lot of people are depressed and I think, I think a lot of trauma is coming up.

Margaret (04:22):

Absolutely. Yes. Of course. A lot of trauma is coming up not to mention the financial disaster of people facing evictions and so forth.

Craig (04:30):

Yeah. So people are on edge already and it's such a delicate balance of knowing that you still have to give your partner some space, even if you're in a small confined area. Right. Yeah. And giving them space to, you know, maybe listen to music or play video games or watch a movie

Margaret (04:51):

When you go play with your toys in the kitchen and I'll go in the living room,

Craig (04:55):

You got to do it. All right. So they had an argument about COVID. She said, I got mad at him for trying to argue about the topic. And I told him he was making me angry. What do you think about that statement?

Margaret (05:09):

I wanted to know if he said it was a hoax. Well that he didn't want to wear a mask or, but anyway, she got angry, whatever he said, I know

Craig (05:18):

A lot of people that I've done Skype calls with that have had COVID. But I always ask them about their area and how things have been for them. I do too. And so no, I've had a lot of people and I've had a lot of people that have seen people die in healthcare and stuff like this. And one of my best friends is a surgeon and he talks about how horrible it is. Yeah.

Margaret (05:47):

Oh, I've, I've talked with several people who've lost a loved one.

Craig (05:50):

Yes. Oh, I have too. Absolutely. Lost grandparents and family members. In fact, I remember somebody lost one of their best friends and she was only in her early thirties. Yeah. Yeah. So it's been rough. It's been stressful. She goes on to say, he then accused me of trying to start a fight. And I told him I'm done that we were breaking up and I didn't mean it. And I said this a lot throughout the relationship when I would get mad, but he got tired of hearing it and said that now he was done and meant it just, like I said, at the onset.

Margaret (06:32):

It wouldn't be something somebody could live with. We all have separation anxiety. And anytime anybody says that, you know, it kicks it off. Yeah,

Craig (06:40):

Yeah. Yeah. Cause they get tired of the threat

Margaret (06:43):

It is a threat. The guy was right with that. Yeah.

Craig (06:46):

Yeah. It is a threat. And so eventually somebody is just going to say, you know what you keep saying, you're done, I'm done

Margaret (06:52):

And the messages we can't resolve it, so we'll have to end it. Okay.

Craig (06:56):

Okay. let's go on. He then retracted and said maybe he was making arrest rash decision. But the following three days after him being silent, he came over to tell me, he decided to go through with the breakup. I pleaded and begged. And of course it didn't work. I tried texting him a few days after the breakup was final and got no response. So I went to his house, Oh dear. You know, this isn't going to go. Well, he was annoyed, but calm and told me he just couldn't do it anymore. So I calmly left and only returned to sit his belongings quietly on his porch. Since that day I had no contact with him. And it's now been 30 days. I know I was wrong for always threatening him and even deserve a taste of my own medicine. But I love him and want him back. Other than the petty arguments we would get into sometimes, we really did have a great relationship. We trusted each other. We're loyal and we're best friends.

Margaret (08:04):

The petty arguments though, oftentimes have some more heavy issue behind them. And so often people will say, I was, so what did you fight about? I don't even remember. It was stupid stuff. But when you do find out what it was about, it usually has some meaning

Craig (08:21):

Underlying issue. Yeah. A lot of times

Margaret (08:23):

The most recent one I heard was he wants me to go visit his parents four times a week. That's not stupid stuff. That's a, that's a serious issue.

Craig (08:33):

I feel like he does have some trauma issues because he was adopted at a young age by his great grandparents. And he was little, he was under the age of two.

Margaret (08:47):

Probably too young to have a tool to have a two year old. I wouldn't want to chase one. Oh, they're exhausting. Yes. You know.

Craig (08:57):

Both of his parents were neglectful and chose substance abuse over him. And he was born with fetal alcohol syndrome

Margaret (09:05):

Probably was born with a difficulty.

Craig (09:08):

His mother was worse than his father. And even told him she hates him and wishes. She had aborted him.

Margaret (09:16):

I have seen it and I've heard it. And the message is you're not even welcome in this world. Okay. I didn't even like you before you were born. I'm so sorry anybody said that to anybody. That's awful. Isn't it? It is.

Craig (09:36):

He even told me during my pleading and begging that no one should love him this much. So when she was begging and pleading, he was like, nobody should even care about me this much

Margaret (09:47):

Because I don't know what to do with it. My own mother didn't love me. Oh my God.

Craig (09:52):

Yeah. During my relationship with him, he was very clingy with me, which I didn't mind. I actually liked it. I loved that we were together so much. And when we were apart, we would always, we would be texting the majority of the time. The only major problem we had was our petty arguments and my response of threatening him. But if you think about it, Margaret he's already been abandoned by his mother.

Margaret (10:16):

So the worst thing you could possibly do to this man is threatened to abandon him. Like the last woman he loved, the most important woman in his life. Good heavens. And I wonder why she did that. I hope she's thought about it.

Craig (10:32):

Let's see what she says. There's a little bit left. Yeah. I heard from my sister a few days ago, she said that he missed me, but just can't do it, which is devastating to me. My question is where do I go from here? I'm afraid that because of his trauma with his parents, he won't reach out. He hasn't even attempted yet. Well, it's only been 30 days.

Margaret (10:55):

Yeah. And that feels like an eternity, but in the big scheme of things. Yeah. It's not that long. Yeah.

Craig (11:01):

He's got to sit with it and, and think about it and process everything. You both were upset when this breakup happened, but for him, I think this is a really sensitive area that he's been with the abandonment. So at this point, you know, I would let him process it and think about it because he's, he sounds exhausted when he says, I just can't do it. That sounds like he's exhausted. Right? And so he needs some time to probably process and think about it and maybe even get some of that energy back before he starts to really miss her.

Margaret (11:44):

I'm glad that he shared it all with her. I mean, that's a good sign and that's a good sign for the relationship. He sounds avoidant to me with no one should love me this much. I

Craig (11:58):

Was thinking disorganized.

Margaret (12:00):

It certainly could be because

Craig (12:03):

Yeah, the adoption and the clingingness that she said he would reach out all the time

Margaret (12:08):

And then it probably got too close for him. What does he know about being close to the people that love you? Nothing. Okay.

Craig (12:14):

My gut is that she's anxious got an anxious attachment style because she liked all of that closeness and that didn't feel too smothering for her. And he was probably disorganized because of the abandonment. And so,

Margaret (12:29):

And so he could easily go from clingy to frightened to death of being close. Yeah.

Craig (12:36):

So I think you got to give him some time to think about this. You know, he has a lot of anxiety, I think. So he's going to struggle with that and struggle with soothing himself. Yes, she is. So but he needs to, he needs to kind of sit with this and kind of reflect,

Margaret (13:01):

But I hear that she is out of her mind in her anxiety and so afraid he won't reach out.

Craig (13:08):

Yeah. you know, everybody's afraid that they won't, their ex won't reach out, but you know, it's only been 30 days and now while it feels like an eternity while you're going through it, when you're sitting on our side of things, you realize that's just not that long.

Margaret (13:22):

No, but it feels like an eternity, right?

Craig (13:24):

Every second feels like an eternity.

Margaret (13:28):

I would suggest to her that she spends some time thinking about her anxiety and how it got in her way here.

Craig (13:36):

I agree. Because she seems to have lost emotional self-control and would just keep doing it. And that eventually made him feel so unsafe in this relationship that he's like, I can't do this. I'm tired of you threatening to leave me

Margaret (13:53):

Probably angry. And he put it, he got it right. Tired of you threatening to leave me. And you know, she may have her own abandonment stuff, which would account for her enjoying his cleanness and probably feeling safe when he was clingy.

Craig (14:10):

So you gotta work on that and getting more secure and really learning the skills to manage yourself and to manage the relationship if you get back together. Cause I think if he comes back around again and you go back to those unhealthy ways, it's just gonna lead to another breakup. Right. So I think she's going to have to really work hard because since he's been adopted, he probably has a lot of his own issues. And so it's going to be even more challenging to navigate a relationship with him.

Margaret (14:41):

Exactly. Right. However, like I say, he did share the story. She does remember the story clearly, but she didn't think about the implications saying, you know, yeah, I'm done and I'm leaving you.

Craig (14:55):

Yes. And that, you know is often happens when we get an emotional state with our partner and are frustrated. We're disappointed.

Margaret (15:06):

And I'm sure everything in her says, well, I can call him up and explain that to him now. No. Give him time. I'm just speculating on what will go on in her head. I need to call him up and tell him I'm really sorry. And I didn't put it all together. Yeah.

Craig (15:20):

Because there did seem to be a lot of good in this relationship

Margaret (15:23):

Really did. And just the amount that he told her is encouraging.

Craig (15:27):

Okay. But he needs to see that on his own right now. Yeah. Okay. So that's what I'd do for now and see how it goes when he reaches out and then you can navigate, but you really got to implement those skills when he comes back around again.

Margaret (15:41):

And also his sister called for a reason.

Craig (15:44):

She said, I heard from the sister, so we were assuming that maybe this is the reached out. Right. But we'll see, give it some time.

I'm Scared My Ex Will Find Someone Better (While I'm In No Contact)

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to talk about, I'm scared my ex will find someone better than me while I'm in no contact.

Margaret (00:48):

What a terrible fear.

Craig (00:50):

This is a big fear. Margaret. I think this is one of the underlying fears that we all have going through a breakup is that if I leave this person alone and they start dating again, everybody's going to want them the way that I want them.

Margaret (01:06):

I hadn't thought about it quite like that. Okay. that makes perfect sense. Yeah. Everybody's going to want them,

Craig (01:12):

We feel like, because we value that person so highly that everybody that meets them is going to as well. Well, that's a very real fear. I mean, it's possible. We can't tell people that can't or doesn't happen and we're not going to tell you that because it can happen. Right. It is a very real fear and we all have to kind of, you know, live with that and, and kind of work through it. And today I got a little email that I thought would be helpful because I do think it's such a powerful thing that it, it, it just impacts everybody

Margaret (01:52):

What an awful feeling. I'm not good enough. Yes it is.

Craig (01:56):

And when that person has left, you, it's like, it's kind of like, well, I'm not good enough. Cause if I was, they wouldn't have left me. Yep. So it's not easy to work through that. So I think we can talk about that, but I just wanted to share a quick email. It said, hi, coach Craig and Margaret. My name is Ryan and I'm 27 years old. And my girlfriend is 26. I stumbled across your channel after about a month and a half ago and have been utterly blown away by your content. Good. Thank you so much. My girlfriend left me after a three-year relationship. Wow. We had been living together for about a year and a half. I'm really having a hard time because she's the best girl I've ever known. I really don't think I'll ever meet someone that I'll have that kind of connection with again, Margaret, that's a big thing that a lot of people say,

Margaret (02:46):

Yes it is. And it's likely untrue. There isn't just one person out there for us. There are probably a few. But I, I feel terrible that he feels that way. Yes.

Craig (03:00):

And I felt that way before where you just you're just like this connection, how, you know, it's just so like incredibly shocking that the other person can walk away. Even if there were points where you were ready to walk away and you were frustrated, you were like, well, I love them enough to work through it.

Margaret (03:18):

They aren't there because I'm not good enough. Yeah.

Craig (03:21):

But I think that feeling of I'm so scared, I'm never going to find somebody like this again.

Margaret (03:27):

I felt like I had found the one. Yeah. Yup.

Craig (03:30):

And that makes that's what makes the breakup so hard for so many of us. Let me go on. Okay. I thought she would never leave. Well there we have it. I just wish she had given me another chance to show her how I've changed. And I've been trying. After watching your videos, I realized my childhood wasn't as good as I thought it had been. A lot of people come to us and say that

Margaret (03:55):

Common, I'll start with people. How was growing up? Oh, good. Can you tell me more? It turns out to be a disaster. Yep. Yep.

Craig (04:02):

And I hear it too. My father was very avoidant and rarely made time for anyone in the family. My mom and him would argue all the often little did I realize I had taken on a lot of his negative traits.

Margaret (04:18):

There's the deal

Craig (04:20):

It happens a lot. We, we unconsciously it's not taking take on those patterns and behaviors and sometimes we're like, wait, did, did my father just come in the room? And it would just came out of your mouth, right? Yeah.

Margaret (04:34):

Yeah. And that's wonderful if the awareness comes to you it sounds like this guy's just figuring it out. Yup. All right.

Craig (04:42):

Now that I've had a lot of time on my hands. I've been thinking about all the complaints my ex had. I used to spend my time watching TV or playing video games. Well, it's interesting.

Margaret (04:53):

Yeah, he was being avoidant. Just like his dad. Yeah.

Craig (04:57):

I was disconnected blunt, rude and condescending at times I kind of only thought about my own perspective and really didn't care about how I affected my girlfriend's mood. Just like his dad probably.

Margaret (05:14):

But he's owning it. God love him. Yeah.

Craig (05:17):

In many ways it was just like my parents' relationship. So he started to see,

Margaret (05:22):

You know, we say it often that unless we're aware, we tend to repeat what we grew up with. Whether or not it's what we want. Okay. So poor Ryan. He just got bowled over with all this all at once. Yeah.

Craig (05:35):

I'm just realizing how bad I was in the relationship. I honestly didn't know where to start. So I got your workbooks. Good. I was reluctant, but they are helping me a lot. Thank you. I wish I had found you sooner. I really feel like I'm learning and changing to be better. My biggest fear is that it will be too late. That while I'm in no contact, she will find someone better. I was hoping you and coach Margaret could talk about it. I'll be signing up for a coaching soon. Okay. So yes, Margaret, the big fear it's too late and that they're going to find somebody better.

Margaret (06:23):

And I see he gave us very concrete reasons of what would be better. What he's, she's going to find somebody who doesn't spend all their time watching TV or playing video games and who's going to pay more attention to her.

Craig (06:36):

Yes. And so I would say to you that you don't know what's going to happen. No, I always enter a situation like this. If me personally, with I'm going to do everything in my power to put myself in the best position to turn this around. Right. And that means obsessing on the personal growth. Because if you do either, she's going to come back and you're going to show her these changes or she doesn't come back and you're still going to truly change who you are and have much better relationship.

Margaret (07:09):

Yes. Then any relationship you have in the future will likely be better, but what a terrible way to feel all at once powerless, right? Yeah. Totally powerless.

Craig (07:18):

And I think that's where he gets his power back here. Is that focusing on the changing and what he can control. Right.

Margaret (07:26):

But also let me point out it's three years. So also obviously something went right. If she stayed with you for three years,

Craig (07:35):

That's a good point. Yeah. And oftentimes, you know, that person loves you and cares about you enough to where they, once they have time to reflect on things and really process things that they can think, well, I know he wasn't perfect, but I do miss him. Right. It just takes time to get there

Margaret (07:55):

And it can take months and people will say, well, it's already been three weeks now. See, it takes months.

Craig (08:01):

Usually does take months

Margaret (08:04):

Because the person has to adjust to being away from you first they're relieved. Then they start to feel more and more sad. And you know, after six months or seven months or eight months, it may hit them. I talked to a gentleman just recently this week who explained to me that he had been in a relationship and he didn't know how attached he was. He broke it off. And then 10 months later he got hit with a ton of bricks that he missed her terribly. Yep.

Craig (08:35):

Yeah. I talked to a guy today who had done the breaking up. I figured I talked to two guys today, one that had done the breaking up and then about nine months later, it hit him that what was going on. And I talked to another guy that he's having a hard time moving on from a breakup two years ago. Yeah. So you know, it takes time.

Margaret (08:59):

And if you haven't heard from your partner for six months, give it a year.

Craig (09:04):

It doesn't mean we want you to put your life on hold. No, not at all. We just, it doesn't mean that because it's been that amount of time that they can't come back again. I have people that come back after years now, we're not saying, put your life on hold and do anything like that. We want you to grow. We want you to heal. We want you to change and see how the future goes. But you know, it's always scary that your partner's going to find somebody better right away.

Margaret (09:31):

Absolutely. Absolutely. But I still say she was with you for three years. So there must have been something that worked. I agree. Yeah.

Craig (09:39):

And so keep that in mind and stay focused on the personal growth. Right. Okay. Because either she's going to come back or you're going to find somebody that's a better fit for you and you don't want to mess up. Imagine having that amazing connection with somebody new and then you make the same mistakes again. Yeah.

Margaret (09:58):

You don't want to do that.

Craig (10:00):

Then you're really going to beat yourself up because I mean, think about how many times, Margaret, somebody says, I didn't think my ex was coming back. I moved on, I stopped doing the work. My ex came back. I blew it. Yeah.

Margaret (10:13):

And I was the same guy she had left or the same woman he had left. Yeah. That always, that's the one set for us.

Craig (10:19):

That's the one thing that really gets me that I'm like, ah, that's how I try and tell you guys act like you're going to get one more chance. If you keep that attitude, you're going to be ready.

Margaret (10:32):

And I have to hand it to Ryan. He figured this out all at once. It sounds like to me and was just bowled over. But he's describing it to us and he's owning. It

Craig (10:43):

Said he had a lot of time on his hands. So he's probably watching our videos all day.

Margaret (10:48):

Well, so if you're ready to go to therapy, Ryan, I think you'll do just fine because you owned it and you were able to put words to it. And the work books are a great place to start too.

Craig (10:59):

Absolutely. And he is, he already started there. So that's great. There's one of the thing that I want to say your ex not reaching out to you for several months or months on end is not necessarily a bad thing. You might need that amount of time to heal and grow before you actually have a real chance of repairing what that person and that's what people don't think about. They think I just want them back right now. But the reality is, is that personal growth takes time and effort. And so if your ex came back in three weeks or a month, or even several months, you might just go right back to that.

Margaret (11:39):

The old behavior. And I mean, it's a very hard way to learn, but it is often helpful in the long run.

Craig (11:45):

Yeah. So use that to keep perspective of, okay, this is another day that I can improve myself is another day that I can figure out how I'm going to improve my relationships, how I'm going to improve, what are my weaknesses? How can I improve it? Look at your other relationships before this current ex is there a pattern?

Margaret (12:06):

Yes. and don't beat yourself up day after day. It's not helpful. And you need the energy to put into your healing and your growing. Yep. Okay. Absolutely. And like I say, you're owning it, which is half the battle you're on the right path. Absolutely.

Craig (12:26):

Have the mindset of, I'm going to have one opportunity. Am I going to be ready? And then you're going to put yourself in a much better position to show her that you are her best option, that there's not going to be somebody that's going to be as invested as great of a partner. Being able to bring that real joy into your life that a relationship can really do. Right? Right. So stay motivated and commit yourself to personal growth. You can't go wrong. Sometimes you need the ex as motivation. Some of you don't, but whatever your motivation is, just use it.

Margaret (13:07):

Absolutely. And call us when you don't know what else to do.

Craig (13:12):

That's what we're here for as well. Absolutely.

How Crucial Are The First 30 Days of No Contact

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about how crucial are the first 30 days of no contact. Okay. A good subject. You know, this is a good subject and I'm glad this came up. I got a quick email because a lot of people have heard of the 30 day, no contact. That's been going on for many years. I don't know how many years. I don't know where it started. But the 30 days of no contact has kind of been something that people have kind of heard culturally. And I think it's talked about movies and stuff like that. And so when people are going through a breakup, that's one of the first things they think about and hear about and they panic about. And I understand because when you're in no contact, every second feels crucial and it feels like an eternity.

Craig (01:36):

So I got a quick email that I wanted to get to. And then we're going to talk about this. Okay. They said, Hey coach Craig and Margaret, I just started watching your channel a little bit more than a month ago. Unfortunately, you are not the first channel I came across, but I'm so happy that I did. I travel a lot for work. So I listened to your podcast in my car every day. Cool. And when I'm at home, I watch you on YouTube. I never say this. I always forget. You can find many of our episodes on iTunes and all the different podcast platforms that are out there. So you can listen in the car. I always forget to say that. Actually I don't even talk about it that often. And we recently had over a million listens on that. Yeah. And, and I rarely even mentioned it. So I was blown away by that. So thank you. Thank you. I'm on volume six of the workbook and I absolutely love them. They helped me so much to learn so much about myself actually. Don't think I've ever been so healthy and it's all thanks to you. So thank you both so much. I know you guys don't talk about the 30 day rule, like those charlatans. I'm just wondering, I haven't heard from my ex in over 30 days now, do you think that hurts my chances? Do you think that hearing from your ex in the first 30 days is crucial for my chances? Okay. So they came across stuff all the talking about 30 days. And so they're wondering about that. Okay. So do you think it hurts your chances if you haven't heard from them in 30 days? I say not at all.

Margaret (03:39):

That's what I say too. Yeah. Not at all. Not at all. It feels like 30 years, right.

Craig (03:45):

It really does. It really does the hardest part. And it's unfortunate because many of you are going to go to your friends and family and they're going to tell you, it's done. It's over, that's it. They moved on when it gets to like 30 days. And that's simply not the case. And in fact, time after time, and at least from what I see, people often need months before they want to repair things again. Yep. Okay. and I think there's a lot that goes on in that time. And even though it feels devastating to you when you've been dumped for the other person, I think it takes much longer than 30 days before they start to really feel the impact of losing you. Right. Okay. Right now that doesn't mean it doesn't happen sometimes. Of course it does. But not hearing your ex within 30 days, don't panic. No, I don't think that hurts your chances at all.

Margaret (04:51):

And then of course there are all those fears that they're going to find somebody else any minute now, any day now and live happily ever after. And that's not likely either.

Craig (04:59):

Well, you know, one of the things that's scary is that a lot of times your ex does start dating right away and we feel like it's going to last forever. Absolutely. I know I've been there and you really think that that new person is going to see all the great qualities that your ex does, but they may see that in the beginning, but I really don't think it leads to get them getting attached. Do you?

Margaret (05:23):

No, I don't. I don't, if it's a rebound. Yeah. They might have fun for a little while and it might be a distraction to your ex for a little while, but it very rarely works out. Yeah. I think that's what we've seen and, there are no perfect descriptions of stages, but we've, we've thought about this in terms of what the, I gathered the girlfriend broke up with him.

Craig (05:46):

Actually. I think this was a woman that wrote this.

Margaret (05:48):

Yeah. So you know, she's going to have all of those fears and we've found it can take months because first there's a sense of relief that you've done this thing that was very hard and you finally got it over with, and then you might feel better for awhile and six, eight months later, "I really miss so-and-so and wonder if I made the right decision."

Craig (06:16):

It's we know it's hard and, and it's such a difficult balance of going between do I move on or do I wait for this person that come back for me and you have to make that judgment for yourself? I like to focus on the personal growth stuff and make that my priority. And that way either way you're gonna win. If they, if they come back, you'll be in a much better position to turn it around. And if they don't, you're going to be much healthier and you're going to have a lot more skills to have in a new relationship. So, no, I would absolutely not worry about hearing from an ex in 30 days,

Margaret (07:00):

But we certainly understand where you got that.

Craig (07:03):

I totally understand. But if you sat next to me on my couch and heard all the, the calls that I do and how things progress day in and day out, I would say it's okay. 30 days is not that big a deal at all. Okay. And I the second question was, do you think it's crucial to hear from your ex and 30 days? Absolutely not. I don't think that hurts your chances at all. In fact, the way I like to see it is that the more time that you have from them, the more you really have the space and the ability to reflect upon what wasn't working and to grow and to change because growth doesn't happen in 30 days. No, unfortunately not.

Margaret (07:52):

No, it doesn't that wouldn't, I mean, not, not much can change in 30 days.

Craig (07:56):

I think the big thing that changes Margaret is the awareness of I made mistakes and it's such an overwhelming fear of I made mistakes and that's why they've left me. That's right. That's why they feel like I've changed.

Margaret (08:12):

Well, not in 30 days. No.

Craig (08:15):

It takes time to work through your attachment issues. It takes time to heal those things that happened in childhood that you're only starting to become aware of, which is why we talk about attachment issues and trauma and mental health,

Margaret (08:32):

All those things.

Craig (08:34):

Yeah. So, you know, I'm glad somebody sent this because I had never really thought about that 30 day and feeling that pressure of it's 30 days or, or it's 30 days, should I reach out now?

Margaret (08:49):

Right. And are there some coaches who say you should

Craig (08:54):

I don't recommend no, in my experience, it's much better to allow that person to come back. And you know, of course every situation is so different. I've had people that I thought and said to them, wait, why are you in no contact? This person is trying to repair this and what's going on here? And then I hear situations where it's like, okay, you definitely need to stay in no contact. Especially if somebody is like saying, is there a legal actions or that, you know, that they're being threatened with legal actions? Like, don't call me, I'm going to call them

Margaret (09:28):

Please. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. Back off.

Craig (09:32):

But I do think that 30 days came from somewhere many, many years ago and it just kind of became an you know, entrenched in the culture. And so that's why we're trying to enlighten you guys and help you guys see that no, 30 days is not a big deal. And if somebody broke up with me today, I would not expect to hear from them within that 30 days. Sometimes they do go, sometimes they will do indirect direct approaches of the breadcrumb. You, or

Margaret (10:07):

Yeah. I have the key to your apartment or,

Craig (10:10):

Or sometimes they have to handle business. Yeah. But if you're in a situation where you're afraid that, Oh my gosh, it's been 30 days I haven't heard from them or 30 days is about to be up. Should I reach out to them now? No, we don't believe in that.

Margaret (10:28):

And it's always hard to explain. I think we both do it all of the time. How does it better your chances to not be in contact then making contract? Okay. You're telling me not to do the thing I want to do the most and that's going to scare me the most cause I can't do it, but we have found definitely no contact is much more likely to get your ex back than contact. Absolutely. Or we wouldn't tell you that. Yeah. But it is counter-intuitive Craig's favorite word, right? It's counter doesn't make logical sense. Yeah.

Craig (11:00):

Yeah. And you're going to have a lot of family and friends that are going to say things to you. They don't understand how breakups navigate because they're so complicated. Right? I mean, a lot of times family and friends are telling you they're done. They're over you. Move on. Just forget about that.

Margaret (11:19):

It was no good for you anyway. And you know, but if you're, if you loved her, it's not that easy. No, I told you my latest, my latest war is against the phrase of you must let go. No, you must work through, so you can't just let go of feelings that are major for you. You have to process them and entertain them and, and deal with them, you know? So you can't just let go and date somebody else next week.

Craig (11:46):

It's not the healthiest thing to do. No.

Margaret (11:48):

And I mean, people mean to be helpful. They don't want to see you glum. They want to see you cheer up. Yeah.

Craig (11:54):

And oftentimes they're angry at your ex for hurting you. Yes, of course. And you know, they most likely had a relationship with your ex. And so they're upset because they're like, I can't believe they would do this. I can't believe they would leave you. And so they're hurt and angry at your ex too. Family may be particularly hurt by it. And you know, you, you gotta think about, who's telling you these things, how healthy are their relationships, right? Are you getting advice from somebody that can't maintain a relationship telling you, just forget about it, move on, move on.

Margaret (12:33):

Well, who's been in a relationship for 30 years and doesn't talk to their partner. That's another possibility, another possibility.

Craig (12:40):

So it's okay. If you don't hear from an ex in 30 days, I would be surprised if they do. I would be thinking more likely they're going to need more time. And I think that's a good thing because it really does take time to get your life turned around and really work through issues that you've been doing or things that were going on in the relationship that you're trying to improve. So keep focusing on yourself, keep focusing on that personal growth. It's going to help you either way. You can't lose by focusing on that. Because like I said, time and time again, either you're going to have another chance with that person and you're going to show them you've changed or you're going to do amazing in new relationships.

Margaret (13:41):

Right. And how what's better than that? Right. And what we say right off the bat is working on your attachment stuff. Absolutely.

My Ex Couldn't Take No Contact Any Longer

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about my ex couldn't take no contact any longer. Isn't that wonderful? Oh, it sure is. You know, you guys are thinking the same thing, right? I can't take no contact any longer, right? When you're going no contact and you're leaving your ex alone. It's one of the hardest things that you have to do. And I had a nice discussion with somebody about that recently, who has a success story, and she's going to be writing me an email about what it was like for her to do no contact. But when you're not reaching out to your ex anymore, it's awful because now you feel just terrified that they're never going to reach out again.

Margaret (01:24):

And that they'll forget about you. Yes.

Craig (01:26):

Right? Which they do not. No, they don't, but we know why you feel like that. We understand why you feel like that. I felt like that, that you just think that the person's going to move on and it's so difficult to refrain from wanting to reach out, wanting to repair things, contacting them through any way possible. Even through friends and family, it's awful.

Margaret (01:53):

Both of which have to be not done. Don't do that. It'll get you in trouble.

Craig (01:59):

But we understand that when you're in no contact, it feels like an eternity. Every single day feels like an eternity. Every second of the day, you want to check your phone. I've been there. That's why I understand it so well. Cause I have been in that situation and I hated it. It's just the worst. And you watch your phone all day. That's all you do. Every time you look at it, you're just like, Ugh. Or every time it goes off, you're hoping that it's them. Right. That's so hard. But believe it or not, your ex isn't always certain about their decision. Even at the time that they make it. Now, a lot of the times they are certain in that moment in time, but that can change, right? Yes. Feelings can change. And you got to understand that it's hard to know sometimes what your ex is going through thinking or feeling for their situation with you. Cause it can vary based upon what happened in your relationship obviously. But you know, it would be easier for them if you were continuing to reach out when you go no contact and you no longer reach out to them, it makes it harder for them.

Margaret (03:19):

Yes it does. Yeah.

Craig (03:21):

Because they would like to know that you still want to be with them because then that option is there for them. And they don't feel so anxious about their decision. But when you choose to stop reaching out, that puts the pressure on them where they're wondering if you're going to reach out. But then they think, well, are they moving on?,

Margaret (03:45):

And they wonder if you're moving on. So you're kind of giving them back a dose of their own medicine.

Craig (03:50):

Exactly. But oftentimes no contact or when you're not reaching out to them is very difficult for them too. And sometimes they'll put posts up that you know, are about you, but you don't reach out. Sometimes they'll put posts that are implying about you. Right. And they're hoping that you're going to reach out to them because in that moment, maybe they're feeling some vulnerability or some confusion, but you know, you want them to reach out to make the first move.

Margaret (04:26):

Right. Right. The breakup, wasn't your idea of the ball's in their court.

Craig (04:29):

Exactly. So I've got a good email success story today and we haven't done a success story in awhile. No, but they remembered that we like to get success stories and share them with you guys,

Margaret (04:41):

Please, everyone. Remember we love to hear success stories. Absolutely.

Craig (04:45):

So when you have your success story, regardless of what it is with your ex, make sure you email me on the website. Okay. And you know, this is a really good one that I thought people would like to hear. So they said, well, coach Craig, I've been wanting to type this awhile now. Life's been busy. Then I remembered how you said you like to receive the success stories as well. On some of your videos. I spent almost five months going day in and day out in a scary haze after a breakup of over seven years, I was utterly lost in it. In every way I came across your videos. And most, every piece of advice I received from your chat or from your wisdom and knowledge on your channel, helped me get my ex back using no contact. Wow. By far the hardest thing I've ever had to do, considering the woman I lost, I always felt she was my soulmate. Somehow I still do after all this. Not one single text call email, nothing never once. Luckily I found you soon enough. I was determined. But after five months of no contact, she had found it to be almost impossible not to come to me wondering why things went no contact and realized what she had lost when we separated. That is big.

Margaret (06:31):

So she was expecting continued contact. Isn't that interesting?

Craig (06:35):

This is what we try and get you guys to see here. Right? She found it almost impossible not to go to him. And she was wondering why things had gone no contact. In other words, why he stopped reaching out,

Margaret (06:49):

You broke up with me

Craig (06:51):

And realized what she had lost and that's what we want your ex to go through. And that's why we stress the importance of working on yourself in that time. Right. That is the most critical thing because you don't know when they're going to reach out, they could reach out after a month, they could reach out after five months in this case, it could be a year later. Now we don't want you to put your life on hold, but we want you to grow in that time. So when they do reach out, you blow them away. Yeah. And I had a guy this week who was so depressed, just absolutely depressed. I think it was our third call together. And I got on him. I'm like, you've got to stay motivated because you don't know what's going to happen. After the first call, he, I think he's got a little bit more motivated than he kind of dropped. And then our most recent call. He's like, no, after our last call I've been working harder. Okay. So I quizzed him on some certain areas that I had told them to work on and he did better. And I'm like, keep going. You got to get yourself in the right position.

Margaret (08:00):

Because if she comes back and you're just the same, you were as you were when she left. Yeah.

Craig (08:04):

Yeah. But he's working really hard. Good for him. So I'm really proud of him. All right. Let me go on, to put then feelings into words is unexplainable. You're exceptional at what you do. And I can't express enough on how learning my attachment and reworking myself from inside out has changed my view on myself in a relationship. I couldn't afford coaching, but after much hard work done to myself after listening to so many videos and building myself up to that next level. And fortunately my ex had surprisingly done work on herself.

Margaret (08:52):

Wow. How wonderful.

Craig (08:54):

That is great. Through therapy, we were able to come to our senses and move forward with progress in learning and accepting each other for everything we are and are not. Sometimes I think back on the nights of laying there all night, trying to make sense of your videos and how it would work for me. Then it did, bam, late night call. She couldn't take it any longer

Margaret (09:28):

Great. He outlasted her

Craig (09:31):

And we worked it out from there. I am grateful to have found you. Thank you, coach Craig. You really have helped me change my life and relationship for the all around better. If it wasn't for these videos, I don't know how I would've made it through some of those long nights. That's the truth. You're the best at what you do. Stay positive. Add another success story to your list, coach. Thank you so much for sharing that. It's so encouraging to see you guys having success stories, hearing your guys' success stories and being able to share them.

Margaret (10:11):

So he did it himself just by watching the video. Wow. Yeah. That's great. Good for you.

Craig (10:17):

And there's well over 800 videos at this point and plenty more in the works.

Margaret (10:24):

I've heard that recently that somebody had counted them. Yeah.

Craig (10:28):

Well I know we've had certain people that we've worked with that have literally shown me that they've done all the videos. They literally showed me. Cause if you pull up your YouTube it shows the red bar on the bottom when you watched the video. Actually, I will let you know that my next project I have two people in mind that have worked with me quite a bit over the years. This one is one of them. Cause I know she's done the work. She is going to be previewing the project first to get an approval, to give me an approval and the new coach and approval and you to see it, to give us feedback,

Margaret (11:10):

That'd be wonderful. It is what I've seen of. It is absolutely wonderful. We will put the finishing touches on it.

Craig (11:16):

Yup. And by the time you guys see this video, it will probably be fairly close to being done. It's so exciting. But I have several people that are some of my best students that are going to look at it and preview it first because I want to make sure that you guys absolutely love what we have here. And I I'm fairly convinced that you will. But I just want to hear it from people that I know who have done absolutely tremendous amounts of work. So this is a great success story. And even though your situation feels hopeless, it doesn't mean that is one of the things that's the hardest to understand about being in no contact is that there can and will be a day for many of you where your ex does reach out again, despite going months of feeling hopeless and thinking they're never going to reach out, they often do. I mean, this example was five moths.

Margaret (12:16):

And this guy's partner was very honest with us, for which we thank her on saying she didn't really expect the no contact. She broke up, but she didn't expect the no contact. Yeah,

Craig (12:26):

Yeah, yeah. And you know, you guys have just got to stay working on yourself in this time. We know it's not easy when you're anxious and you're depressed. But the worst thing that can happen is that one day they pick up the phone, they want to see you, you get in front of them and you haven't changed and they see right through it

Margaret (12:47):

They'll see right through it. Right. Exactly. Particularly if they've changed.

Craig (12:54):

So you know, stay motivated. You never know what's going to happen either way. You're going to be a success story either. They're going to reach out and you'll have another chance with it or you're going to go on to meet and date amazing people with all this stuff that, you know, and you'll blow them away. Right, right. Right. Well, we'll see, you know, each person is meant to have their own destiny or future and whatever yours may be, you know, just make sure that it's great. Right, right. By doing the work.

Margaret (13:23):

And there's almost nothing that can't be changed if you're willing to work at it.

Craig (13:29):

Absolutely. And you can so great success story. Thank you for sharing it. And when you get yours, be sure to email me.

How Do I Show an Ex I've Changed? How To Change After a Breakup!

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about how do I change and how do I show an ex that I've changed? You know, we're always talking about change and personal growth on the channel and it's not easy to do, is it? And Margaret, you and I were talking about this recently, that one of the things that comes along with that is actually fear.

Margaret (01:01):

Absolutely even good change is scary. Any change scares us human beings. We are frail little things, actually we are. Yeah, but even good change is scary.

Craig (01:13):

But you know, when you're trying to repair a relationship or repair your relationships with other people and learn to have healthier relationships, you have to make changes in order to do it, but it's not easy to do. So, Coach Victoria is going to be sharing some research that she did on this today.

Victoria (01:32):

Great. Sure. I have five steps that will help you in conducting change in your life. So the first step is a step if that we talk about a lot on the channel, and this one is awareness. It's recognizing harmful patterns in your relationships. If you're attracting the same kind of toxic people in your life, or if you're the one who's doing toxic behaviors in your relationship, it takes noticing these. And it's also to take it a step further. It's also knowing the ways in which your childhood has affected your present day behaviors.

Craig (02:05):

That's a big, that's such a big point because, you know, in order to fix a problem, you need to know what it is.

Margaret (02:12):

You can't fix a problem you're unaware of.

Craig (02:14):

So that's, that's so critical. And that's why oftentimes when you guys come to the channel and you're hearing us talk about these things, they're like, Oh my gosh, I've been doing this thing for this entire relationship or my entire life.

Margaret (02:26):

And it's never easy because you're admitting that you'll have a flaw, but you feel so much better when you do, you know, when it doesn't become the end of the world. It's okay. We all have our problems. We all have our blind spots.

Craig (02:39):

Except for Margaret.

Margaret (02:39):

Well, except for me, I just sit around describing them to others.

Victoria (02:46):

All right. So the next one is adopting new beliefs and reinforcing them every chance you get, and this is not easy to do. No, not at all. This is the next step after awareness and awareness is only as helpful as much as it emboldens you to take a risk and to try something new. And I think Craig, that you've touched on this before and talking about how anxiety can seem like the resting state, if that's what we're familiar with after so long. Now the one with this point is that taking a risk in trying something healthy that can seem as something outside of the ordinary and can seem different and uncomfortable.

Craig (03:24):

That's the first thing that came to mind, right? Cause you're like, I don't, this is awkward. I don't, I'm not used to this. So trying that can be like, you know, if you're like a baseball player and you're trying something new with your swing, it feels uncomfortable at first. You don't, it doesn't feel like the same, but if you want to improve, you have to do those things.

Victoria (03:43):

Right. And also with this one, if you work every day, doing something towards your goal, that's going to help you in the long run. Yep. And new beliefs can sound like I don't need to beg for love or I'm at worthy of love.

Margaret (03:56):

That's a big one. I'm worthy of love.

Victoria (04:00):

Or I can become more comfortable with receiving love as well. Yep. You can reinforce these ideas with affirmations, with positive self-talk with doing something that makes you feel good every day. Just having a routine of self care will really help you.

Margaret (04:17):

I wanted to make one comment. It's hard to imagine that people sometimes don't know what to do when someone loves them. But if you grew up in a family that didn't know how to tell you, or didn't know how to show you that your loved, it can be an absolutely foreign experience. And you don't know if it's safe to take it. Yeah. It feels uncomfortable. Right.

Victoria (04:38):

Okay. That leads perfectly into my next point of, accept that discomfort will be part of the process. So we did touch on this a little bit just now. But it can be uncomfortable to move away from the patterns that were literally developed by your brain and body to protect you at one point. Yeah.

Craig (04:57):

And that felt natural because you just kind of did it as it happened. And now you're trying to undo that. So that's really, it just awkward. Right.

Victoria (05:06):

And an example of this can be hyper-vigilance. If you were feeling super sensitive to your partner, abandoning you and you're, you're keeping your eyes open for any sort of threat that may lead to your abandonment self-soothing is going to take a while before your body becomes used to that and becomes receptive to that.

Craig (05:27):

Yeah. Your natural state might be to constantly obsess about what your partner is doing and if they're abandoning you and getting used to that, okay, they need space. I need to allow for that. That's uncomfortable.

Victoria (05:43):

Right? So knowing and accepting this discomfort as part of the process is also going to help you be aware of your changing process because change is never easy and it's never comfortable. No, it's not.

Craig (05:58):

And oftentimes you're going to slip back into old routines. So you're going to find that you're making mistakes and you've got to be aware of all. I did it again. I'll be, I'll catch it next time.

Victoria (06:10):

The next one I have is surrounding yourself in an environment conductive to your change. So this emphasizes the importance of community in your transformation process of surrounding yourself with role models and mentors that can show you this can be done and you can do it too. And it's possible.

Craig (06:29):

Absolutely. It's possible

Margaret (06:31):

Role models and mentors are very important. This person looks like they have it together. Let me figure out how they do it.

Victoria (06:38):

And also having supportive family and friends being around you. An example of this could be with addiction if you're addicted to a substance and you're around others who are addicted to that substance substance, it's going to be harder for you to change and change for the longterm.

Craig (06:53):

Yeah. Cause you're gonna be tempted and they're going to tempt you. Oh yes. Because they don't want to be alone in their addiction. They want you with them. Right, right. Misery loves company.

Margaret (07:05):

Misery really loves company. And besides you might leave, if you get healthy. Yep.

Victoria (07:10):

And it's going to be more difficult for you to change and break those old patterns if you're around those people that perpetuate those old patterns and bring that out of you.

Craig (07:18):

Yeah. Absolutely. Good, good, very good points.

Victoria (07:22):

Another to go further with this point also in what you surround yourself, as far as media, as far as what you're doing on your phone, as far as your hobbies, these are also inputs into your environment as well. So also be aware of, of the messages that you're receiving from the outside as well.

Craig (07:40):

That's going to impact you and you know, whether you were consciously aware of it or not, it's going to impact you. Sure. Yeah.

Victoria (07:49):

All right. My next point is not giving up. And you mentioned this earlier, but you may experience some fallback and don't let this stop you or hinder you from where you're trying to be. This is also part of the process. And you can learn from this progression is not just a linear, straight path. It's jagged with unexpected circumstances that happen and your resilience and ability to step back up and get back into the game and focus on what you're trying to do is really going to impact your lasting change.

Margaret (08:20):

Everybody makes mistakes. You can't be perfect while changing. And sometimes you need a rest, go back to your old ways for a bit and then go forward again.

Craig (08:30):

And sometimes you have to make a mistake to be aware of, Oh, I fell back into that pattern again, you know, so yeah. Not giving up and just focusing on who you want to become a year from now, who do you want to be a year from today from watching this? You can determine the speed that you grow and you know, how much effort you put in and no one, can you back if that's what you're focused on doing no matter what your issues are. Right,

Victoria (09:02):

And also as you progress, you might find yourself regressing a little bit as well. I think Margaret, you may have mentioned this to me before?

Margaret (09:12):

I know what Vicky's referring to. I had a wonderful supervisor once and I was very discouraged with one of my clients. And she said, oftentimes there is a progression before a leap forward. And it was exactly what was happening. We sort of dropped back, pick up all our old defenses, add up the new ones and then go ahead. But it's hard for a therapist when you've done a whole lot of work and you're ready for a breakthrough and then you seem to fall back, but she was right. And it was a profound point. Yeah.

Craig (09:42):

So expect it. Anything else?

Victoria (09:45):

Yes, I'm on my last one is on a positive note and that's to enjoy the fruits of your labor and celebrate the progress that you've made. Also, as far as you get, sometimes you need to take a look back to see how far you've come and how far you've grown. Yeah. So I just wanted to note that out that also notice the positive changes you're making on the day to day on the moment to moment and celebrate every success that you have because you deserve it.

Craig (10:12):

Yeah. And there's a good chance many of you have made a lot of progress from when you started watching the channel initially, and you've already had a lot of insights and a lot of growth and just continue it and you'll feel so much better. Right? Good stuff. All right. That was a really good research there. And I hope that you found this helpful.